Family gatherings from Jim's side

I am not feeling much like writing this week, however I have found a whole box of photos. They were in a corner of the basement I have not looked at in a bit. I had a fun night sorting them out into piles with my family, Jim's family and some of both of us. I am going to post the ones I found of Jim and his family. The first one is one of the few we have of Jim as a youngster. I posted one other one way earlier in this blog. The others are of various family gatherings.

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Here is a favorite. It's Jim age - at 3? or 4? or 5? He had a great expression even then.

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Jim's oldest brother, his Dad and his Mom. .

The siblings and Mom. Jim's head is sticking in there between Mom and his sister.

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The men of the family. Jim is on the right and his son is on the far right.

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I had forgotten about this photo. I am glad I found it.
It was taken at the first christmas that Jim and I had together in 1989.

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Jim, his mom and his oldest brother. Thanksgiving 1993.

I am going to be posting more pictures, but I don't have any more of his family. At least that I have found yet. It is very healing for me to be able to look at photos and think back to that time. It is a special code that sometimes only you know the way to solve it. To look at the backround and know where the photo was, who was there, what time of year or even what year, just by looking at the details. Yes, the sadness of a time gone past is there. A wonder of why more times were not to be. But a small smile inside that at least there were these times.

Together.

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Jim and I on his birthday. We were married 11 months and 21 days.

Found in a box

My sister found a few photos of my Dad and I. Dated Jan 1988 they were before I met Jim, heck, they were before I met the boyfriend before Jim. What a rose colored glasses kind of time. The first one is my Dad in the den. Second one is me on the frozen pond.

And then threre is Me and Dad.

Found it on Youtube

While searching for some music and vids for my Dad's service, I came across the following ones. I have to post them because they were so wonderful. Be warned, I was crying at work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQUFvdRdIG0&feature=related

14 months

Throughout the day yesterday it popped into my mind that tomorrow was tuesday and it was a 29th. I pretty much forgot last night and then it struck me again this morning as I drove past the fire station that houses the ambulances - one of which came out that night.

I have stopped counting days, hours, but can't stop the months. 14 months. I guess my forgetting about it till it was upon me may mean that the day doesn't matter so much. Well, it does, but it matters in a different way.

It matters not just once a month, but everyday and in many ways. Missing Jim's touch, voice, laughter and face with all his expressions. I won't go into missing his body. But I do. There are also even more subtle things that occur each day. Subtle things like not having someone to talk to at night, so you watch a movie or no one to bounce a 'what to do about..." and having to figure the solution out yourself. I don't find myself thinking it out like I just typed and I know I am a different person for having to do these things, but it still doesn't help the ache in the chest.

At 14 months I find it hurts to look at Jim's photos. I have them up on the walls and when I look I am captured by his eyes. His beautiful eyes. And all I can do is stand there and wonder why this happened to him. I stand there and say my thanks that he was brought into my life. I stand there and talk to him about what I will be doing for the next few years.

My brain has turned on the switch button for 'don't think about it'. I still do, but not as much because of either the veil of depression or the number of things on my to do list for that day. I look at the last picture ever taken of Jim and I and I think back to the words that were said at his service by his brother and I find both a comfort and an ache.

A new thing and a better day

My coworker talked me into joining Netflix today.

Jim and I never joined because he was always the "must own it" kind of guy.

So I went online, joined up and starting looking over movies. Oh what fun! I can finally watch about a dozen (so far) movies that I always wanted to see, never wanted to go to the trouble to rent and definately not to buy.

Ratatouille! Knocked Up! I am Legend! I will be able to watch them maybe by Wednesday. They have some great classics and film noirs that I have wanted to see and a few tv series I missed. I went with the three at a time plan. I will have to be sure to use this as incentive. You know, do a project in the house, watch a movie.

I am also happy because I got ahold of my tax preparer and he is going to go over what the IRS is having a problem with my return. I want to tell him, hey you made the error you pay the bill. Argh. It will be turbo tax for me next year.

Thinking of movies got me thinking about how much a part of my life they are and how they have been a way to find new places to go - in a fantasy - but also a way to meet and connect with people. There are lots of film geeks out there and Jim and I were a couple of them for sure. Going to the movies last night, alone, was okay, though of course I missed having a hand to hold or someone to whisper comments about the movie to. It seems something to get used to and relearn.

On a side note - my dad had lots of quirks, like everyone else. I have several of his. One I realized the other day was the line between upper and lower on the hand. It sounds odd but I noticed that he had this years and years ago and renoticed it while holding his hand in the hospital. I am not sure if my siblings have this. I think my sister may. For me it sort of shows the Greek/olive skin heritage. I in no way have olive skin. But there is this line that matches my dads. Heck, maybe everyone does have it, I just never looked.

Monday monday - not till tomorrow

Tomorrow is Monday.

I don't mind it being Monday, I just wish I could have a week with no obligations. One that I could run the errands I needed, go to the dentist, doctor and get a pedicure and not worry about time away from the office. Maybe we should make it two weeks off. I could get a massage, catch up on some movies and just think things out.

I woke up feeling so depressed. I did get up, watched some tv while the dogs were out back and then went back up to take a nap. When I got up again it was for lunch and I watched Dirty Dancing while I cleaned the kitchen and did some chores in the living room.

Depression is scaring me and I can feel the overpowering sense of 'it doesn't matter anyway' overtaking me sometimes. I am going to try and find a counselor to talk to again just because I can't stand my head being like this and can't figure out how to get past it.

It is like there is a little me inside my head looking at what is happening and pounding on that door saying 'no no no' and the big me inside my head is just laying there going 'what's next'. The little me is trying to keep some hope there and the big me is feeling overwhelmed.

That last paragraph was a downer but it is just what is happening. After the whole bit with my dad dying I come home to a letter from the IRS saying my return was missing some info. I have to look into and submit the information and I can't reach my CPA on the phone. This means I may not get the stimulus check because they won't issue it if they think I still owe money.

Does it ever end?

On a different note.

I made some decisions this weekend to really start getting rid of the 'things' around my house that are cluttering it up. I have so many things that are just that, things. The next three months is going to be many trips to the goodwill and the dump and to friends houses with items. Maybe even some things will be seen on ebay. But I realized that I am done. I am tired of trying to hold it all together and keep track of all the pieces. I am not going nuts and gutting the place, there will definately be some precious items kept, but this time in October the house will look different.

I am trying to think of where I want to live. I visited a friend and her place was beautiful. Open yard and a plant that attracted butterflies and a nice piece of country. It was so much cooler outside than in the city that I was amazed at the difference. I really want to work at moving sometime next year to a place either in a small town or outside of a suburb. Yep. I haven't figured out what state - montana looks pretty, west virginia is nice, pennsylvania for some reason is still my favorite choice.

Divided we fall

"When we look back at all that has happened to us, we easily divide our lives into good things to be grateful for and bad things to forget. But with a past divided we cannot move freely into the future . . . True spiritual gratitude embraces all of our past, the good as well as the bad events, the joyful as well as the sorrowful moments . . . we want to remember all of it as God’s guidance . . . even the bad did not happen out of the loving presence of God."

Henri Nouwen

Blog links and more

If you haven't noticed, I added blog links to the page. Links from several of the visitors here. If there are any that I have missed, feel free to make a comment and supply a link. I have enjoyed reading them this morning and it is like seeing different parts of the world.

I am enjoying the quiet that comes when both the boss and coworker are out at meetings. Well quiet except for the itunes radio playing hits from the 80's. I can sing along and not worry about anyone hearing me. I am stuck in the 80's/90's I think.

A heavy cloud

This is hurting more than I thought it would.

I have no energy and am feeling like I have to start over with the little steps to get through the day. I feel like there is a cloud over my head and sometimes even in the brain.I enjoy the car but miss the Dad.

I am working with my niece on a memorial 'video/movie' for the service we are having in October. This should be interesting.

I am sorry I don't have much more to say. I am very tired and not feeling like I want to think to hard. Maybe in a few days when things get sorted out in my head I will hijack the blog from Jim and make it some Dad memories that I don't want to forget.

3 pm today

My Dad passed on at around 3 pm today. I had just posted the previous blog about him and went to lay down for a quick sunday afternoon nap.

I got the phone call and knew before I picked it up what the call was about. My stepsister said that my stepmom and her were out of the room - she was talking to the nurse and my stepmom was in the bathroom. We had been saying for a few days that he was waiting for all of us to leave. My brothers and sister and I said our peace with him and went on home and my stepmom and stepsister were still there.

My Dad was not just a good dad, but a good guy. He taught me a lot and allowed us to follow our dreams and guided us along the way. He will be missed by many and remembered with a smile.

Goodbye Dad.

Dad 3

It's been a week as of yesterday and there has been no changes. My Dad has had fevers, then cooling extermities, he is breathing but in a shallow way, he still has a heart beat, but it is intermittent and still the doctor can not say anything other than ' it could be 4 hours or 4 more days'.

The hospice doesn't have any internet service, I am posting this from home - I ran home long enough to get clothes and see the dogs.

We are talking to Dad and also about him. Trying to get good memories from each of us at the room about things that Dad had a part in. He walked 3 of the four girls there down the aisle and we reminiced about that. I asked his wife about her favorite vacation they went on and she told us about some places they went. My sister and I shared times when we were growing up about Dad teaching us to ride a bike, a horse and to drive. I talked today with one of his WW2 buddies. They were in the same infantry division/unit together. They are the last two alive from that unit. He shared some war stories with me about my dad that I hadn't heard yet.

Dad is being given morphine for the pain and it seems like he is just taking a nap while we all talk around him. He usually does that....takes a nap and lets the party go on.

Just 24 hours

I am jumping on to give a quick update. I will be coming back later to edit this.

Basically it comes down to two more strokes, one major and one minor. The minor one falls over where the minor one hit last week, which makes it more than minor, but not as bad as the major one on the right side that blew his left side of his body from any mobility.

He can't talk, can't really open eyes and can sometimes squeeze a hand when we talk to him. He recognizes the Male voices -deep and louder then the women, but last night he did ask for water when I was talking to him. He is a dnr and is on just comfortable and quiet. No IV's no food, just some water and morphine. He will pass peacefully. At least I hope it's peaceful. They are saying with the amount of blood built up in the brain, it could be tonight or tomorrow, but not much longer.

I am not sure what I am doing home except that there was not much more to do at the hospital. I need to get some sleep and will be going back out tonight or tomorrow morning depending. There were issues with stepsisters and kids and noise and the party atmosphere but I did get several times of quiet time wiht my dad. To talk to him, to let him hear my voice and to touch. He could pass in ten minutes or three days. Not much longer than that.

The last few years I had with my dad were special because we were able to get past anger of very past events and do some talking and bonding. With Jim gone and Dad gone I am not sure what I will be doing. Going crazy is all I can think.

Dad friday update

Ha, Jim would have loved this. I can invision him shaking his head and smiling.

My dad on Wednesday at 2 pm was moved from the hospital to a rehab center for 2 weeks. At 7 pm he started complaining of severe chest pains. They called my stepmom and told her they wanted to move him back to the hospital. Well, my stepmom said she would come, check him out and drive him the 1/4 mile rather than pay $500 for the ambulance.

They checked him out, got in the car and my dad said "Take me home." That was it. She asked him about the pains and he said he was better and to take him home. My stepsister leaned forward and said "Dad were you faking the pain to get out?" He admitted to this and said lets go.

They went back home, had a good nights rest and it was decided that the rehab woman would come on monday and that he would have a quiet restful weekend. I respect my dad for admitted to what he did, but am frustrated that he did it. He needs the rehab to get back up to 100%. He is scared/worried that the rehab center will be a nursing home and will be his last stop.

I also was reminded of the time when I was 8 and didn't want to go to school. I cut up a potato and poured some milk in the toilet and told my mom I was sick. She didn't go for it. I was also reminded of the things that my grandmother (dad's mom) would do when she came to live with us. One time my mom and I watched her hit the dog with her cane, set the cane on the floor, lower her self to the floor and then cry that she had fallen because of the dog.

Humans are strange animals.

Freedom!! almost

I am now an officially licensed driver again!!!!


I got all the paperwork and approval from my doctor, had it reviewed by the medical advisory board and it was passed. I got the license yesterday (after trying on wednesday) and have been looking at it every hour or so to make sure it really is there.


The short version - I drove for 28 years. 20 years ago I had seizures (not while driving) and was diagnosed with epilepsy. I had a bad accident three years ago and was asked to turn my license in for an ID card. I did it and accepted that. The last year and a half, no seizures. My doctor put me on a new drug dosage and it seems to be working really well to control things. She said if I didn't have a seizure with the last year I had, I was doing pretty darn good.


Now I need to find a car to drive.

My not driving was not really a problem when Jim was alive. He would drop me off at work or I could carpool with another worker. Weekends we would run errands together. It gave us some 'us' time.

The last year it has not been easy and I want to thank my friends that have been such a big help in getting me places. A Big THANK YOU!!! To have you give up your time to come and pick me up and help me go shopping for groceries, dog food, clothing or just to get the heck out of the house has been wonderful. You know who you are.

Oh, I don't mind the bus rides, but here they suck. If there was some consistency to the reliability of them, that would be fine. I hope that soon I will be able to move around a bit without help. I am thinking short rides and not pushing the envelope. My doctor said it may be the stress of long drives that was throwing me off.

If the right vehicle falls in my lap, I will post photos. Till then - Wheeeeeee!!!!

A bit much.

A bucket of water tossed out a second story window on to my head.

Like a scene from the I love lucy or the 3 stooges. I got a bucket of water dumped on me.

Back up some.

Went to the MVA to get my license. Finally they were reinstating it. I waited about an hour and got up to the counter and had my picture taken and eyes tested. Then I was told that the block was still on my file. I said well no, the letter I have here says they were taken off. The guy up at the front counter said they were taken off or he wouldn't have even let me get this far. The mva lady said, well sorry, no license. It is too late to call anyone in that dept. It's five and they are all gone.

Arrrrgggghhhhh.

I left with a ticket that would let me come back and not have to wait in line. They would call me tomorrow when they checked on it.

Arrrgggh.

So it is super pouring down rain. We leave the MVA. I am mad and frustrated and don't even care about the rain. I walk thru the rain shower to get in my friends car, we go home, let dogs out, dry off, change clothes and go to meet the guy that wants to sell me a car.

It stops raining. Yay.

We meet him and are talking about the car. He is telling me how it has NJ tags, he bought it from his cousin and then never registered it here in maryland. He has been driving it for about 10 months that way. Basically illegally. He said the registration in NJ is expired, but he has insurance and a MD inspection, but no title or registration for MD. A bit strange I think. I mean, really, how can you do that?

We talk some more and are just standing on the street, no big deal and feel some water on his shoulder. We think it is from the tree. We move over a couple feet. We talk a few more minutes.

Suddenly BOOM, I get water poured all over me from above.

This old lady is telling us 'that it's private property and no loitering.' We look at each other and then her in disbelief. It's a public sidewalk. We aren't hooligans. We weren't being loud. I yell back about we aren't loitering, we are discussing a car. She says no loitering.

ARRRGGGHHHH!

So the long and short of it is, I don't have a license YET. I don't have a car and am feeling a little nervous about this one. The car is fine, the guy is a bit strange. My friend test drove it for me and said it was in great shape. And she has the same make and model just one year different. I may just make him a lowball offer and tell that I will go with him to the MVA to get things straightened out and then make the sale. With him paying for the paperwork he should have had done a year ago.

But really - a bucket of water on my head???????

My friend Elaine and I ended the day by going to IHOP and having some pancakes at 9pm.

Dogs and walks

Sunday mornings. I lay in bed this morning thinking about the things to do today. Clean the kitchen up a bit, walk the dogs and my most hated chore of all - the kitty litter box. Ugh. However, trash day is tomorrow so I need to do that and get it out there.
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Walking the dogs this morning was very pleasant. The dogs and I walked over to an area where they could be let off the leash and be safe from vehicles. It is fun to watch them scamper around the field. A
hidden alcove of grass and trees in an urban world.
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I enjoy the walk also because I saw many of the small white butterflies. These are the ones that I was told that when you see one, it really your loved one watching over you. Old wives tale or not, it is a comfort when I see them. I look for them when I am out walking, either the dogs or just home from work and smile when they flutter by.

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In the course of the last 13 months, I have found some things very difficult or impossible. It seems almost silly but walking the dogs is one of those things that is difficult. It was a ritual that Jim and I shared. Sometimes both of us and sometimes just one of us depending on the mood. Often Sunday morning when we finally got our butts in gear and up. Jim would take the dogs out while I made breakfast. He would don his black and white camo pants, his 'Stealth' (the movie) t-shirt and take them both out.

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Jim was great for exercise and would walk the dogs further than I could. He loved it and they loved it. They would come back tired and panting and yet a smile on all three faces. Yes, dogs smile.

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There was always the days when it was raining or we were lazy and the dogs and Jim would grab the couch and a good movie and hang together till I got breakfast all made and ready for him. We were very good about not allowing the dogs in the kitchen while we ate. That rule has been broken a bit now, but I am much better than Jim ever was at ignoring the big brown eyes.

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Jim and the dogs on the couch was a pretty common scene. Jim had his particular spot that he liked to sit in (usually one side of the couch) and he had to have a table or someplace to put his drink.
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Many things in this new journey of mine have been new to me because they were things that I took for granted as 'Jim's to do'. The dog walking and dog time was always split up between us.

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When we lived in the boston area, we were near a reservoir that had some wonderful walking/hiking trails. It was a joy to go there, walk the dog and let him run - into the water or along the edge. Free to chase the rabbits, birds and play with the other dogs that came along. I can't find the photo, but a funniest moment was when our dog Gryphon and one of our foster dogs both came upon some scent on a bush. They both peed into the bush at the same time with their legs up and actually sort of crossed. They both seemed to want to be the first one to add his scent to that spot. Jim and I just stood back and laughed.

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In writing this blog I have been trying to remember the man that was Jim and share him. I haven't figured out yet how I am getting by each day. I still turn to talk to him and still miss the conversations we had on the phone. We called each other several times a day to discuss what was happening to each other and help solve the dilemma that was that day. Or just to say I love you honey, see you soon. I often find myself writing when I'm at the days darkest moments, and by writing it down and getting it out, it helps. What I am trying to make myself do is also write when I am at an 'ok' moment and can recall events surrounding Jim. The blog has been an up and down series of posts, I know, but I guess it divides the real time posts of my emotions and thoughts with the memory posts of Jim and our life.

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The Second Fourth

How much has changed in a year. And how much has not.

I just read the post I made for the blog on July 4th 2007.

"It was a bit of a bad night....but it got better. The day went well and work was cool. The night crept in and as it got darker so did my mood. I realized after dinner that this would be the first holiday without Jim.

I started to think about things we had done on the Fourth of July. And it got me down. I found my self wandering thru the house saying over and over 'I miss you Jim, Jim I miss you". I said it to the couch, the walls, the kitchen and the screen door as I looked out at the yard. I tried to hold the tears in but they came anyway. Buckets of them. I couldn't seem to stop them. There was a feeling of helplessness in the situation and an uncontrollable feeling of just plain old sadness. Sadness that he was gone."

I am not as down today as I was when I wrote that a year ago. I am not as happy as I was in July 2006. I just sort of 'am'. The emotions and thoughts I wrote a year ago are still valid, just a little quieter.

I woke up this morning crying. Why the tears came was when I rolled over and once again realized I was alone in the bed. There was no heartbeat next to me. No shoulder to snuggle against. No real sense to the death of my loved one. The tears were few and they seem to stop fairly quickly nowadays. They are still coming though.

Today I started the new memories in my life. I went to a friends for a 4th picnic. I had some good food, some good laughs and played with some cute dogs. Being around friends that knew Jim and I and yet are still okay with me as a onesy is nice. Several other friends just can't seem to figure out that and are uncomfortable. Today I was with people that respected and enjoyed Jim. That is important, and appreciated. I know having new experiences is part of the growing that needs to be done by me. Part of the grieving is also the growing. Not forgetting, but remembering while continuing.

It was when I was rereading the last part of the post from a year ago that I found I was also smiling. It was there that I wrote about some wonderful fourth of july memories that Jim and I shared. And that is why I started this blog. So I wouldn't forget the memories or have them fade to nothing. Not to hold them stagnant and not to move forward, but to remember and smile and be happy that I was given the time I was. Reading the post for last years 4th, besides being sad, I was also able to smile and recall and that showed me the writing that I am doing here is good and right.

Jim, I miss you. Still.

Dad update

UPDATE -
I spent the day at the hospital and am very glad that I was there to be with my sister. She drove in from WV and my friend took me out there. We helped each other get thru the day. We only saw a few minutes of my dad, he slept most of the time and we didn't want to bother him.

He did go in for an MRI today and after several hours, the neurologist came to say that they discovered some bleeding in the brain and diagnosed his problems as relating to a stroke. A small one, but still it hit hard enough to injure his communication center. This didnt show up on the catscan they did yesterday.

So, the good news is we know what is causing the problem. The better news is that he is being told he has to stay at the hospital for a couple more days and then has to go to a rehab center to relearn. This will help him with speech and other things that were disrupted. My stepmom was ready to bring him home and set him up in the front room on the couch. That upset me. I am glad the hospital and doctor are suggesting the rehab center for a couple weeks. It is easier for her to accept that way.

Happy Fourth of July everyone!!

Dad Photos

So, I am hijacking a blog filled with memories about Jim to toss in some photos and memories of my Dad. He is still in the hospital and will be having an MRI done this morning to see if that shows a cause for his problem.

The one above is my Dad in his kilt he wore while attending Carnegie University (now it is Carnegie Mellon) in Pittsburgh. I think he was telling my mom to join him in the pic.

This is Dad and children, the most recent pic taken.

It was just a month ago at a WW2 veterans reunion.

My Dad and his wife taken about 6 months ago at a birthday party.

There are some of my friends that said they can see Sean Connery in my dad. Something about the eyebrows and the look.

If you can't tell, this was taken in the late 80's. Look at that 'do on me! And those jeans! The little blonde gal in front is now a sophomore in college.

Father's Day 2 years ago. My Dad and Jim and my stepbrothers. They gave all of the men a shirt that said "Grateful Dad", a play on the group grateful dead. It was a great day for Jim and my Dad, they played their wives at horseshoes and almost won. I think Jim may have thrown the game because of my whining about losing. We had some lemonaide, chicken on the grill and sat out on the new deck area. I like those moments with Dad because we are a small group and it's more one on one then when it's a party.

Dad in hospital

Well, it's a sad day here. My Dad is still in the hospital. He went in a week ago for a operation to remove an infected toe. He is diabetic and has high blood pressure and some heart problems. The operation was last thursday night and for two days afterward he slept most of the time.

Since then he has had a lot of trouble speaking and making sense when he talks. His speech is halted and he will start a sentence, get three words out and then stop and not finish. The worst part is that he knows what he wants to say, but somewhere in the thinking it, he forgets or is not able to say it. He realizes that this is happening and is frustrated by his lack of communication. My stepmom says he can't read and can't write anymore.

He couldn't sign his name for the neurologist and when asked some questions, some he could answer fine and some - like what is 5 + 3, he couldn't say. He would say 'I don't know' in a voice like he is trying to, but can't remember.

What is frustrating for us/his children is the doctors can't really say what is happening or why. Before the operation he had sometimes a slowing in his responses during conversations and sometimes was fine.

I spoke to my stepmom about all this tonight and suggested a second opinion and she flat out said no way. Very adamentantly. She said that their doctor - a cardiologist - is doing everything and what could a second opinion tell us? I don't know but we are living in a city with some darn fine hospitals in them. And the neurologist came because my dad asked for one. My sister suggested it and my stepmom said no, not needed. My dad later that day told her he needed one. My stepmom said okay and talked to their doctor and he said okay. So there is SOME brain cells working, he just can't say the words he wants to.

I called this afternoon to see how he was and my stepmom said he was just asking her to call me. She handed the phone to him and he said "I had a premonition. (long pause) I want you to call Ed and ask him to call me." There was lots of halting in between the words. I said of course I would. We hung up and I called my Uncle Ed. He said that he had been talking to my dad and a nurse came in and dad couldn't talk to them both and hung up on Ed without saying good bye or anything. I don't know what the 'premoniton' was. I don't really think there was one, but I think my dad was using that word in place of another one.

I am going to see him tomorrow afternoon. It is not going to be easy to see my Dad like this. I can imagine he is really hating what has happened. He always said he never wanted to be in this spot and be a burden.

lost

I was in the middle of a great blog and got an error message. I lost all the copy. I thought that blogspot saved the new posts as it went along, but I guess not.

I am too tired now to write it all out again. Sorry. I will post some tomorrow.

13 months

First, a big round of applause and many thanks to my friend Kaszeta. He was able to save these pics from the flooring day. My camera's memory disk went bad and they wouldn't download to my computer. He worked some IT magic and retrieved the pics!

My brother Sam is at the saw.

My niece Jess is in the middle of the finished floor nailing in trim.


The dogs are enjoying the fruits of all this human labor.


This has been a busy week. My Dad went in the hospital because of an infection in his toe. He had this last year and they had to remove half a big toe. Friday they took the rest of the big toe off. Dealing with my Dad in the hospital has been tough because he doesn't like to be visited there. He wants to be left alone and my siblings and I want to see him and make sure he is at least okay. We will see how it goes over the next few days.

It seems like the last two weeks have been a spiral of depression for me. I am lethargic and forcing myself to get up and walk the dogs or do the chores. Taking a nap in the evening and going to bed early. I am wondering what the point of it all is. It being this existence. I am back to being a seesaw of emotional reactions vs numb to all around me. Watching a movie or tv show and I get tears. Listening to someone talk about a tragedy and I am numb. Maybe I am doing better because I can recognize the depression and am doing some things to work thru it, but it still can be very gripping sometimes. Usually late in the evening after all the chores and duties are done and I am left on the couch by myself with the animals and no one to cuddle with or talk to about the day. I am online more because of this feeling. Lonliness. Or rather All Alone.

I am not sure if this is even more of the grieving process or the new single life process or a combination of both.

Doing some laundry today I realized what I really wanted was to take everything in the house, dump it and start fresh. Okay, maybe keep a few things, but I am feeling overwhelmed with trying to not just keep up on chores but also to sort thru and get rid of things that are unused and taking up space.

Now that is all out of my system - positive things I did - the bookcase from the living room is now in the front room and it is great to finally have space for stuff there. Jim's Total Gym 1500 went to a friend and that leaves more space. I have done laundry for days and now everything I own is clean. Only about half of what was washed is put away. I need more drawers. Or maybe to get rid of some clothes. The wood pieces that were left from the flooring installation are bagged and can be in the trash on monday. Previously they were in bags and stuck thru the bags causing riips and holes. The trash men wouldn't take them like that. I spend some time this afternoon making little and littler pieces of wood.

This blog is ending at 12:05 am on June 29th. 13 months after we lost Jim.

I find the days are passing, but the memories are still with me. The hole in my chest has mostly healed, but sometimes the pain reaches out and touches all the nerves in my body.

I miss you Jim, each night as I touch your space in bed, in morning when I wake without you, each afternoon when I am walking the dogs, at 10 pm when Merc still lays down at the door waiting to hear your car keys rattling. I miss you my love.

50 First dates

I just watched 50 First Dates. It completely blew me away. I went to see it when it was out in the theatres. With Jim. Seeing it again without him was so strange. I kept wanting to grab his hand and squeeze. I started crying with how wonderful Adam Sandler was being to this woman that could never remember him for more than a day. I hugged myself because I wanted someone to hug.

I could see Jim doing something like Adam Sandler did in the movie. Every day having me fall in love with him again. He would have done it because of the love that was held in his heart.

I can't go on right now. The crying was not just a 'miss you Jim' cry but more a total loss of what could have been and a sadness for losing what was.

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I went grocery shopping and saw a couple things that reminded me of Jim and had to share.

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This quote from hannah and lily.

This grieving, it really is a process. In the beginning I could barely make myself get out of bed in the morning. I chose to honor Hannah and to LIVE, but it was so so hard. I initially measured the passing of each day. Then, I would say, "It's been one week. It's been two weeks." Pretty soon, I was marking the passage of months. I was proud of myself for being able to make plans for the next day, then, to look ahead a week. Pretty soon, I was looking out a month, two months. There was such unbearable pain I was having more down yos than up. Gradually, so gradually I didn't even realize it was happening, the pain was lessening. I didn't consciously realize I was having more up yos than down, that I was no longer marking month anniversaries. Time, and life, whether we wish them to or not, move onward quite steadily.

Am I suggesting I'm out of the woods? Am I suggesting I'll never have another down yo? Nope, not by a long shot. Am I saying I'm in a pretty good place, right now, at this moment? Yes. Yes I am. Do I still catch my breath with slight twinge to my chest even this second as I sit here thinking of all I'm missing with the Monkey? Absolutely. This process, this journey is long and arduous, but right now, my path is pretty level.

Mud!

Just stumbled on these two pics. One of my nieces and nephews dated 1993 or so. Fun in the Mud!



And this one of me.

Morning sounds

The birds woke me this morning.

I slept with the windows open and the darn birds outside woke me up. Chirp, chirp, chirp. Then the cat came to see what I was all about and of course once the dogs heard that I was up, I knew it was all over. But I was missing something.

I lay in bed and remembered what I was missing. Jim. Yep, I am missing his grumbling about the noise of the dogs or the noise of the birds or the nudge I was giving him to get up and let the dogs out. Neither of us ever wanted to leave the warm cocoon that was the bed to do this. The system we (I) came up with many many years ago was 'Scissor, Stone, Paper'.

I could beat Jim at this even with my eyes shut.

I am not sure how, but a good 75% of the time I knew what he was going to choose. He hated that I won so much, but he was a good egg and he only yell for a moment and then cry "2 out of 3, come on, 2 out of 3". Then when he lost one or we tied one he would try the "5 out of 7" gambit.

We solved a lot of decisions this way. Times when there was something to do and we both wanted different things, we would look at each other and cry "scissor, stone, paper?" It was not just a way to make a choice, but also a way to diffuse a tense moment. It brought laughter back to us and made whatever the decision seem not so critical. It worked for us.

But back to the dogs.

So we would lay in bed, do the scissor, stone, paper and he would lose. He would get up, shuffle downstairs, grumble to the dogs in a voice loud enough for me to hear and he would let them out. I would hear both him and the dogs out in the yard. Him telling them to "get busy" and them making their doggie noises. He may even growl at the cat saying "and what do you want? no food, not till later, just ignore that I am here".

As I was listened to the birds this morning, I recognized the pocket of emptiness. I realized what I was missing. It was not the sounds of everyday life. It was the sounds of Jim.


Two songs running thru my head this morning - Jim songs of course.







And I am very happy/proud that I figured out how to post them instead of just the link to them.

Comforts, Addictions and Me

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens

Brown paper packages tied up with strings

These are a few of my favorite things.....
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Maybe addictions is too strong a word, but comforts is a good one. The following is a whole slew of things that I have found that - will make me smile, make me think, have influenced me in someway, must have daily, must have once a year, enjoy and have some positive meaning. To me. So here are a few of my favorite things -

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I started thinking about the things around me and what I reach for - either in my head - mentally or with a hand, for comfort or for reassurance or just things I go back for when given a chance. Some of these are just an image of something that has influenced me in some manner.

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I am sure we all have these and it was an interesting journey to try and think about some of them, find pics to represent them and wonder if I got the right one. I know I have only scratched the surface, but it is more a game then a pysch experiment.
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I will put in some info on each picture, about why it is a Betsy thing, but it may not make sense to anyone but me. The Frap in the corner is my morning drink. I got addicted to these after having one at a mall. I have never liked hot coffee and therefore never had needed the caffeine fix. I do now.
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The original Disney movie 101 Dalmatians got me on the addiction of all things spotted. I love Dalmatians and think they are the most beautiful dogs out there. I would love to have a Dalmatian Plantation. Before being able to have the real ones, I collect plush Dalmatians. I have a zillion of them and it made things easy for people to get me gifts. I haved owned 3, but now just have 2, and have been able to rescue over 40, foster 6 and thus let others know the joy of spots. Gryphon our first dal was a pup when we got him and he was our 'baby'. We lost him early in his years, and Mercury and Tigger came to us after that.

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The photos of Greece homes have alway been interesting to me because of the architecture and the color and photograph image. It is a style of photography I have mimicked and I love taking pics of buildings around me and seeing something in their patterns and colors. My grandfather came to America from Greece and my Dad is an architect and taught me to see outside the box so with this combination, the attraction of the Greek homes, colors, stairwells and the beautiful mediterran views has always been special.
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Speaking of photography. I first saw this photo on the right of the depression woman in maybe sixth grade or so when we studied American history. I was struck by the story that just one photo could tell. Without any words. It was all there, and the way the photographer shows it is just right. I decided to make photography my artistic expression. I love using black and white film and for several years I had my own darkroom set up in the basement.
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The pic on the left is from Ansel Adams, a famous black and white photographer. Taking things that are in color and seeing them in black and white is a wonderful way to expand perception. Maybe someday I will post my own pics. Besides black and white there is also a beauty found in color slides. They have wonderful saturation of color for landscapes and close ups. More than just a "what we did on vacation" medium, slide film can offer a great range. I used slide film for several years in high school and college.
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In this post am not including food or people or about a zillion other things that I could or should. This is a pretty random selection of things I can think of just at this time and there are probably connections as they jump from one to the other. Oh well. The brain is like that. I was interested in the fact that when I first started I had the greece buildings and Fraps and dogs on the left side and the b&w photography, the animated Dal shot, the beach and sunset on the right side. I wonder if that is my brain doing the logic vs art bit.
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So now we move to the beach. I love the beach but don't get there enough. A favorite of mine since I was a kid was to build sandcastles. Maybe again, becuase my Dad is an architect. I would make some really elaborate sandcastles with all kinds of turrets, moats, walkways, outer buildings and even little villages inside the castle. I love to use the dripping sand method of decorating and would work hard to keep the tide from washing it all away.

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The beach of course means sunsets and sunrises. To see the reds and yellows and pinks and clouds makes the glory come to life. To see this is to see beauty. I will stop and watch the colors and sky shift as the evening draws to a close and night falls.

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A good memory pops into my head of Jim and I in St. Thomas sitting on chairs watching the sunset. We couldn't actually see the sun, but we could see the colors in the sky and also the colors in the water. It was a special evening.

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And the final image. A yellow Polo shirt. I really like polo shirts because they are easy to wear, somewhat okay in most situations and have a collar. That is me at work. I have found that I look best with some sort of collar on the shirt I am wearing. I love to wander thrift stores and find stuff like these at the store. That comes from my Mom. She told me if I buy it at a thrift store, make sure there is a good brand name lable on it. I thank her often for teaching me this.

Okay I think that is it.

Eyes

I have to keep with the song theme. I am finding songs that I have forgotten how much they touch me, trigger something, make me feel Jim's presence.

Peter Gabriel was an artist that Jim liked, had CD's of and sang to. I also love this song because Jim had beautiful eyes. He had an organ donor wish so his corneas went to help two others see.

"In Your Eyes"

love I get so lost, sometimes

days pass and this emptiness fills my heart

when I want to run away

I drive off in my car

but whichever way I go

I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return

and the grand facade, so soon will burn

without a noise, without my pride

I reach out from the inside

in your eyes

the light the heat

in your eyes

I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand church

sin your eyes

the resolution of all the fruitless searches

in your eyes

I see the light and the heat

in your eyes

oh, I want to be that complete

I want to touch the light

the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain

so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away

I get so tired of working so hard for our survival

I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return

and the grand facade, so soon will burn

without a noise, without my pride

I reach out from the inside

in your eyes

the light the heat

in your eyes

I am complete

in your eyes

I see the doorway to a thousand churches

in your eyes

the resolution of all the fruitless searches

in your eyes

I see the light and the heat

in your eyes

oh, I want to be that complete

I want to touch the light,

the heat I see in your eyes

in your eyes in your eyes

in your eyes in your eyes

in your eyes in your eyes

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Celtic Thunder

I was wondering what to write today. It was decided for me when I heard this song. It is done by a group called the Celtic Thunder and the song title is "Remember Me". The Youtube performance -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=to-yk9d7E10

The moonlight dances among the trees
The campfire glows in the autumn breeze
and I am lost in my thoughts of you
Remember me, recuerda me

A comrade strums on a sad guitar
My mind is drifting to where you are
I’m holding you as I used to do
Remember me, recuerda me, mi amor!

So long ago, so far away, each night I pray
"volvero los dias passoados"
I promise you that come what may
those days will stay ever in my memory

In all this world I could never find, the love that I had to leave behind
But duty calls, so whate'er befalls
Remember me, recuerda me, mi amor

God only knows what tomorrow brings
You’re in my heart so my spirit sings
I’ll be strong just as long as you remember me,
recuerda me, mi amor!

Flooring

Tonight I got to sit in the living room, take my shoes off and not worry about getting splinters from the floor!

My two brothers, younger and older, came up today and lay down some Pergo flooring. It is a laminate, tongue in groove and it took about 5 hours for the whole room.

It is gorgeous and wonderful compared to what was there and it gives the room a whole new fresh look. This was a project that Jim was going to undertake last summer. When I told my older brother about it, he said 'well, I have put down floor in my two sister in laws houses so why not in MY sisters'. Wheee!! He is a good guy. Thank you Sam!

My niece came to help and she is 19. It was nice to get to know her a little. We have always been too far away to interact as families except for the once a year at christmas or thanksgiving deal. Of course then it is with other family members and not one on one like it was today.

I took my wedding ring off this weekend. I wear Jim's and my rings on the same finger and I put them both beside his Urn. I took them off with two reasons in mind. One, I knew I was going to be doing a lot of moving, hammering, washing and didn't want to worry. I worry about it sliding off and losing it. Jim's ring is a little bit larger and slides off easier but it is stopped by my ring that fits snug. The second reason is to see what it would feel like. I have been thinking of the 'year and a day' of mourning from the older times. I am not going to stop grieving my loss of Jim but I am going to move forward. More moving forward than I have done in the last year. I have to. I have come to realize that I have to, whether I like it or not. The whole in the heart is there, I don't deny that. But the step forward must be taken.

I went without the rings for two days and found myself always touching my finger. And being off center because I didn't feel the rings. Then remembering they were safe. So tonight I put them back on and will wear them again. It felt good to have them on again.

Waves

A week into the year after the year we lost Jim.

I was told by some in my grief group that this year is harder than the first year. The first year is struggling to accept, to deal, to rearrange life plans and goals, to get thru the day and the night still wanting to go to the next day.

Without knowing exactly why, I have been pretty emotionally numb this past week. Not super sad, not super happy. Not crying, not losing control. Maybe waiting for the next up or down of the ride.

Maybe I can describe it as a feeling like I am treading water waiting for that second wave to hit.

The first wave hitting me was his death and that wave went on for a couple months. Then there was that space between waves. It was the time for treading water, with my head bobbing and some sputtering as water going up the nose. This would be the times when things were crazy and I didn't know if I would get thru even the next day. Trying to float, keep my head up and having little waves hitting me. The little waves of grief or despair or depression or frustration or pain. The little ripples swooshing my body and brain all around, but still I was coping.

Treading in the water. Once in a while my feet has touched the sand down below. A feeling of security. Holding on to the thought that I made it thru the bad first wave. I could make it thru these ripples. All the while knowing that the second wave is coming. How big or small it will be I can't tell, my back is to it. It will hit and I will just feel the slam.

If you have gone to the beach you know what I mean. Standing out in the water, feeling the waves hit you. The waves can knock you right off your feet and leave you struggling to grab onto something. Getting up can be hard, but it is an instinct.

Grief has been described by myself and others as a roller coaster. Ups and downs. It is like the waves of that keep on hitting, then the lull, then the next wave. Does the ride end? Do the waves stop? Can one tread water or swim to reach firm sand. I am trying.

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After rereading what I wrote. I think of a little girl. Hannah. This post is dedicated to the memory of Hannah and her Mom who is riding the roller coaster.

Glorious storm

When thinking about companions gone,

we feel ourself doubly alone.

--- Sir Walter Scott

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These shots were taken last week at dusk, at the end of my street, after a stormy day. The glow in the sky was incredible, the clouds were stupendous.