Friday, February 29, 2008

Now it's been Nine

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.
- Sophocles -

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love,
the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
~From the television show The Wonder Years

You don't marry someone you can live with,
you marry the person who you cannot live without.
- Author Unknown -

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things.
- The Bible : 1 Corinthians -

All days are nights to see till I see thee,
And nights bright days when dreams do show thee to me.
~William Shakespeare, "Sonnet XLIII"

"I would take this pain any day of the week rather than have
lived my life without Hannah.
Love is a blessing."
- From my friend Rachael is grieving the
loss of her daughter Hannah

Jim, I love you. I miss you.
I wait patiently to be with you again.
Smile at me and help me through this time without you.
Your strength is my strength.
Honeybunny, I hold you in my dreams and in my heart.

Under the sea

A photo that was tucked away is bringing back some very warm memories. here we found a world of pure beauty, a peaceful sea with warm waters that opened it's arms to the two of us on that day.

As we snorkeled in the cove of an island, we discovered a new, incredible place. Each dive was into a world of luxury that we had not seen before. In the deep sapphire liquid holding heaps of riches, we were just engulfed by the elegance that was found there. A world we had not touched before. Amazement and pure joy touched us as we saw and felt and played.

The warm blue sky met up and mixed with an equally warm blue ocean. Jim and I found ourselves surrounded in such a kaleidoscope of colors, twirling shimmers as the lights from above reflecting down below and we swam thru them. A blue that I had not seen before. Azure, indigo, turquise, cobalt - a rainbow of blues.

We had an afternoon of joy together. Well, there was a whole boat full of other people, but we didn't care. We were snorkeling down in St. Thomas, off the boat Allura. On a 3 hour tour that took guests out on the water to some coves and let us get wet, sunburnt and have fun. I bought one of those cheap disposable underwater cameras. Not much else came out under the sea, but Jim did. This is Jim snorkeling on by me.

It was this trip that really sealed up what had been just a notion of what to do for our remains. Jim decided that since we both wanted cremation, no problem there. He liked the notion of having our ashes mixed together and then released over a beautiful blue ocean. He had that written in his will. It was a wonderfully sweet. I love the idea and have put a contingency into my will (which I just wrote last week) that money from the 'estate' (ha ha) will allow for payment for a ticket for the trip to be made.

From the honeymoon at an ocean side hotel on the Atlantic, to the deep crystal clear blue oceans of the Caribbean.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


I have been working this blog/journal for 8 months or so. I try to post something at least once a day or once every couple days. Sometimes they are rants but I have been trying since the beginning to post memories of Jim so I don't forget.

I was thinking of the ones I posted last night. The moving stuff, walking dog one. I realized how sometimes these memories start me off with a smile. Even this morning, when I was getting ready for work, I did something I haven't done before - I started talking to Jim about what was I going to wear and pausing as he answered me as he always did. I smile to myself as this was a warm memory I am glad to have remembered. Of course the sadness comes with the realization of 'never agains'. But the memory was/is soothing.

It feels like I have had these memories more and more. Or if not more, than at least in a more soothing fashion. I guess that is it. Don't get me wrong, there are still tears, and even some of the wild hysterical tears when the world is crumbling still and you wonder when this damn ride will end and still the 'when is he coming home' feeling, but well, I don't know, sometimes now the memories make me smile in a sad, sad happy way.

Confused you say? That's okay, just wait, in a day or two my mood will be totally differently. Hating the whole world and wondering why my head is screwed up. For now I will take the soothing and run with it.

I can do that, I'm a widow.


I am not going to write a lot because I am tired. Just want to remember Jim in a way I thought of him tonight.

Moving stuff.

Jim loved to rearrange the rooms and move furniture upstairs and downstairs. Funny, my Mom did this also. When I was growing up it was every few months or a year things would get rearranged or new covers on the sofa or new drapes. Well I married a guy that did that also.

I remember when I realized that he and my Mom had the same qualities. It was when she came to visit us in Boston and - oh boston, just a flash of a memory of Jim walking in front of me with the sun setting and the dog at his side. Striding along in his blue camo pants and that smile on his face. - okay, memory over, so Jim and my mom decided one morning to reupholster the couch and he was going to move the furniture a bit. I watched the two of them discussing things and remembered my mom doing this when I was a kid. My mom and I had a great time redoing the couch together.

I remember this with Jim because tonight I rearranged my kitchen and moved the kitchen table upstairs. Here I will put it back together and make it my 'desk'. Big and able to hold more clutter.

It was standing on the stairs with my neighbor Alan holding the front end and me supporting the bottom and him trying to figure out how to get it up the steps and around the corner. I just saw Jim doing this same thing and cussing and grunting and trying to do it all himself. He was very good at doing this type of stuff himself or with help from me as I could.

Just a flash of a moving memory.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Just some days

It's been a quiet couple days.

Sunday was movies that made you cry day. I watched "Boys Town" with Spencer Tracy and Mickey Rooney, then "Oliver" (one boy for sale, one boy. Five guineas for one boy) and then I borrowed from a friend the movie "Pursuit of Happyness" with will smith. OMG. Those other movies had me tearing up, but this last one, well, I lost it. They kept throwing stuff at this guy and life was so darn harsh to him. Finally the ending made it worthwhile, but what hell he went thru for a year. Ouch.

There was also the intermittent wild thoughts of Jim. The one that came to mind was 'why was I so calm today'. I think I realized it was because Jim had been away so much the last couple months before he died that I got used to him not being home. However when I get upset is later in the evening, when he should be either calling me or coming home. I guess in that way I am like our dog who waited at the door each evening. After a certain time of night passed, he would get up and come back to the couch. He stopped waiting at the door about three months afterwards. I don't know when I will stop. If ever.

The Saturday night movie club showed "Jason and the Argonauts", a wonderful Ray Harryhausen classic that Jim loved, and thru him, I loved it too. I couldn't stay in the room while it was playing. The beginning music and the first scene got to me and I had to leave. I went and sat on the steps and a good friend came out to talk to me. The rest of the night was okay though.

I don't know if anyone watches "How do I look" but I was upset at that show tonight. They had a woman on there that had lost her husband just 5 months ago and her friends and family were telling her to get stop wearing his clothes. Well, there was more to it than that, but that was the essence of it.

There were parts that made me mad at how it was handled and very sad for the woman to go thru the pain. But I will admit there were other parts that they did nicely. I guess the woman had to agree to this. I don't know if I could. They didn't follow the norm of throwing stuff out and instead created a 'memory chest' for her husband's clothes so she could keep some of his favorite stuff. I think what I didn't like was how they were all pushing her to 'move on' with her life and such.

I don't know, I still wear Jim's shirts and sleep with his Hawaiian shirt, but am not worried about it. And I feel sorry for the person that tries to pry the shirt from my hand. Not ready for that yet.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Corner of my eye

I write this to capture a memory from just moments ago.

Sitting in the mall, on a bench, waiting for my friends to get thru the line. I see, in the corner of my eye, just a fleeting glimpse. I see Jim, coming thru the door of the mall.

But no, it's not him.

Just a guy in a jacket like his. A guy with the same build. My heart aches.

Not my Jim. No, not my Jim with a bouncy stride and the smile that grows bigger when he sees me. I think about this, picture this and remember, the moment when we both get up and walk towards each other. The hug. The "missed you honey". Not any of these tonight.

Except, in my head. I saw it all. Felt it all. Missed it all.

How strange it was to see Jim and yet, not see him. I could hear his voice and feel myself answering to the seeing of him. It was like a whisper, a tease.

I sat on the bench afterward the guy walked by and felt my eyes tear up. I stared at the ceiling and then tried to stop myself from crying. Then looked at all the men that walked by.

None were Jim.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

At the Convention

At the Star Trek convention I went to on Saturday, they had a small memorial for Jim. Part of it was in the program book they hand out to members. It was a one page write up about Jim and it was really sweet. I sent them a couple pictures and they were posted also. This makes the convention very special. The convention is run not by strangers, but by friends of ours. Jim enjoyed doing things for them at the convention and helping out.

On Saturday night there were a few words spoken from one of his friends and then a showing of the Superman movie that they made, with Jim as Superman/Clark Kent.

This movie was one of Jim's most proud things he had done. He loved Superman and made the costume himself. It was great to see the movie (11 minutes long) again and see Jim alive and having fun. There were a couple lines that really made me laugh and there was fun in hearing the audience get the jokes and laugh also. The movie had some shots of Superman 'flying'. They were able to do this with a blue screen and Jim laying on a table as they filmed it. It added some fun to the movie.

There were a couple lines at the end that hurt. Made me close my eyes. There is an end scene when Superman is killed by the bad guys. He is lying on the ground. Suddenly he gets up and grabs them and they say "Hey, we thought you was dead".
He answers with the line "You can't kill Superman- don't you know that I can stop my heart and hold my breath forever".

Superman goes on to capture them and the end credits roll. In the last scene of the credits they show and outtake of Superman flying. In true Jim fashion, he looks over at the camera, smiles and does a little wave.

Good bye Superman.

Again a Dream

I had this dream early monday morning.

I was upstairs and heard the door open and Jim's voice come up saying 'hello'. I was happy he was home again. I don't know if I was thinking home from work, or home from being dead, but either way, I raced down the stairs, tripping over the cat and dogs.
I ran into the living room and stopped. I didn't see him. I know I heard his voice. I turned around and around.
Then I looked at the door to the basement and saw his arm and leg and shoulder. He yelled 'boo' or something from behind the door. I yelled at him not to do that and didn't he know how upset I was and scared and stopping doing that!

That is about when I woke up.

Now, to explain some of this. When we lived in boston we had an old farm house we rented. There were all kinds of places to 'hide' and Jim was always hiding behind a door or curtain or something and then jumping out at me. I always yelled at him to stop that and that it scared me. He would then hug me and tell me it was okay.

I don't remember him doing this after we moved.

I woke up with a sort of mixed feeling of good that I heard his voice and sad that I didn't see his face, but just parts of his body. I knew it was him from seeing that though. I remembered the dream and ran it thru my head a couple times to help me remember it when I woke back up.

Saturday, February 16, 2008


Star Trek Conventions.
I think I have mentioned them before but today I am going to one. For the day. Friends are going to honor Jim in the evening. I am going for the day so I can hang out with friends that though we see only twice a year, we've been, I've been seeing them since around 1983. They live from all parts of the country and all convene here at to share a weekend of fun.

Here is Jim making funny faces at the camera. We are in a mall food court and my friends are in their Star Trek uniforms. Can you name which show?

One nice thing about these photos...I am not in any of them. As a photographer there are some privileges.

Picture on the right is three friends showing off their Star Wars costumes. The group below is the 'brat pack' of the mid 80's that I hung out with at conventions. Pre-Jim. Some of us are in costume, some are not. I have another photo I didn't post but it is of the ten of us that all shared a room one weekend. I think there was sleeping on floors, in chairs and on beds. We were wild and crazy in our younger days.

There is me! On the left in the black hood. Very short hair and also Pre-Jim. My friend and I were 'guards' for the queen in the middle. One the left here we have our friend Sophia. She is an artist that does fantasy portraits. She takes your dream and puts you in it with her art. Want to be an elf or a Trek captain or a Klingon or a viking? She can do it. I have 2 done by her for me
and Jim and I have one. It sits above the mantel - Jim is a Starship Captain and I am a Lady in green and gold. It is wonderful and we love it.

This last one is Jim and I after I won the tee shirt I am wearing. Well, Jim won it for me at a charity auction they were having. It is a tee shirt with Patrick Stewarts autograph on the front. I am going to have to write a blog about all the connections that Jim and I have with Star Trek. From the 3rd date to the aisle in Blockbuster to seeing the actors on stage and at conventions to...well a few other things that this shirt reminded me of.

Stated before, I know, Jim loved costumes and would love to come up with an idea, create it and wear it proudly. I have shown pictures of the Batman (his first), Green Lantern, Hulk, Superman and Duffman. At least I think I have. I am going to check this and come back to it later.

Well, that is a taste of the fun we have on those special weekends. We get to meet and hang with friends that know exactly what we are feeling when we talk about the wonder of Star Wars, the love of Star Trek and the beauty of good movies. Great friends!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Roses are Red part two

These are the roses that I got myself last night. I love the colors and if you look, there is sort of a two tone to them. That is on purpose.
I took the pics with my new canon rebel xti and love the depth of field I could get, making the closer ones in focus and the others less in focus. My neighbor was very sweet and brought me home a single pink rose and a small box of chocolate. Applause to Alan for thinking of me, he said he knew it would be a tough day.
I had my meltdown tonight. I went up to the room and saw the heart shaped pillow that Jim gave me one year. It is a little thing that I haven't looked at in years or to be honest didn't know quite what to do with. It is pretty dusty now. But I saw it and started crying. I was crying because I have only found a few things that Jim gave me and I know there are more than I can remember. Crying because I am missing Jim right now and tonight was pretty lousy.

V day

Two more Valentines Day cards. I scanned them at work and they didn't come out to well. I am going to redo them tonight at home.
I miss Jim.
I wore black today in memory of him. But I also wore red in memory of our love.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Roses are Red

I'm going to write this tonight, tomorrow is going to be a tough one. Not really because it is Valentine's day, but more because Jim always tried to make it special. Our first Valentines day, Jim came home with a tattoo on his arm. I know I have mentioned this. It had my name, a heart and a rose. He walked in with the patch on his arm and a smile. We had been married just 4 months and had just moved into our own place.

This is the last card that he gave me. I have that up where I see it everyday. It inspires me to go one more day

He gave me roses every year we were married. So tonight, I went out and bought some roses for myself. But from him. Because he would have wanted it. He also always brought home a box of chocolates. In can't think of any year that he forgot.

I have a photo here of some roses that he gave me, I think last year, 2/07. Who knew what was coming. I guess no one can know. I have the flowers I bought for myself. I can touch them and think of him. I put them in the vase that this flower in the photo is in. I can hope that he knows I feel his love on this special day. And, well, everyday.
edit - 2/14/08 I found in my drawer at work 4 roses from this dozen. They were ones that I took to work last year to remind me of Jim and to show them that my man loves me. I put them in the drawer to dry out. They are now next to Jim's urn.

A flash of thoughts

I can't remember if I posted this photo before, but I liked looking at it, so what the hell, it's my blog.
What I have enjoyed about looking thru old photos has been the story behind the photo.
Looking at the picture and my knowledge of all the things in the photo and being able to say to myself what they are. Having it all run thru my head.
Here is Jim in bed, mostly like watching tv as he is holding a remote. We are in our house in boston because I recognize the walls. This was boston, a time when we rejuvanated our marriage and became a stronger couple. I miss boston. The comfortor/blanket cover you just see in the lower right corner was given to us by a friend. It is now on my couch. The pillow case pattern hasn't been used in awhile and is in a box. Jim has the look on his face of quiet submission to my photo taken. "come on, take it, get it over with so I can go back to the batman cartoon." He is wearing a flannel shirt that one of my employees left at our store when I worked back in cockeysville, about 3 years before the photo. Jim really liked the pattern to it. It was worn so much it had to be tossed. I did find a similiar patterned one at a thrift store and have that on my bed. It is not a common pattern. The tee shirt is from our trip to florida. His wedding ring is the second one of his. I am wearing it now.
I know this seems crazy, but it is the things that go thru my head as I view the photo. In a flash. In much less time than it took to type it all out.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

When the day shall come

Since Jim died, I have been in a knot over the last few minutes that we had together. Those moments were mere seconds with him on a gurney and me touching his shoulder. I am sad and upset that I didn't get to actually hold his hand, see his eyes, say "I love you" one more time.

His last words were "It hurts alot" or maybe it was "it hurts baad", as he clutched his chest and his fists balled up. I can't quite remember the exact words. Either way it wasn't I love you. This rips me up inside, because we loved each other and always spoke of our love to each other. On the other side, it is the strength of that love which has helped me stay strong.

But for the issue of our last words. Everyone wants them to be 'I love you' or some such. We didn't get that.

I read the following quote today. The last line of a wonderful novel I have read a couple times, a romance novel of a love that trancends time. I read it and knew that it was for me. It was like she wrote it for me. It makes sense and eases my mind.

"When the day shall come, that we do part,
if my last words are not "I love you",
you'll know it was because I was not given the time."

Saturday, February 9, 2008

A taste of Jim

Learning to use ASL. We went to evening classes together and the teacher went around the room to ask us all why we were there. Most everyone had a deaf child/friend/coworker. We were there to help us at work. Jim spoke up and said, "so we can talk to each other in bed" Everyone laughed. She asked me, I said "so we can win when we play poker with the family".

Jim loved tastykakes, hated liver. He loved Green Lantern but hated Guy Gardner. He enjoyed a good film noir, mystery, adventure, science fiction, fantasy, western, drama, comedy, musical or three stooges movie. He didn't like....well I don't know any movie type he didn't like to watch. He loved to watch a good movie.

He spent most of the time we were married in either hawaiian shirts, flannel shirts or tee shirts with some comic hero on it. Unless he was dressed for work. I have taken an hawaiian and a flannel and made a pillowcase with them.

A favorite for both of us was to go see a movie on opening day. We saw many that way. All the Trek and SW and godfather and rocky and any batman, or superhero movie. It was just a given that we would either ask for the day off, call in sick or schedule ourselves off somehow.

His family played poker at family gatherings. I have heard stories of their father playing with uncles for years. When I came to the family I joined in. I think Jim's brothers had a hard time believing that I could bluff them like I did. I remember when Jim won a hand with a perfect royal flush. Hearts - ace, king, queen, jack and ten. He saved the cards and we have that hand framed.

Jim's birthday is just one day before my brothers.

He told me that he never wanted to have more children. His had hurt him though not their fault, the hurt was there. He told me that I was the one he wanted to care for. He was able to reestablish contact with his daughter and it made him very happy in the last three years. I am glad for that.

A love for the wild and crazy. Jim wanted to skydive and bungie jump, but never got to. He loved roller coasters and ferris wheels and wild theme park rides.

Jim and I had Sundays together. It would be a day when we would do some errands like groceries and such. Maybe a movie. Usually I would go grocery shopping and Jim would call his siblings, one by one to talk to them. To see how they are doing. He loved having that time in the truck in the parking lot by himself with no distractions, to be able to touch base with them. This was only in the last few years, but it became very important.

He used to help bag food when we were shopping. He would tell the cashier that he was practicing for when he retired. I just remembered that when I was typing about the phone calls. When I was done shopping and about to get in line, I would call him and he would come in and help.

Jim loved my speghetti sauce, the tunafish I made, he loved it when I made mashed potatoes the way my mom made them. I don't peel them. I cut and boil them with the skins and they are very tasty. He enjoyed them. One of his favorites that I made was very simple. A grilled cheese sandwich. But it had to be perfectly grilled with the light brown but not too brown color.

We held hands on the couch in our house even when no one was around. We loved to touch each other.

I learned how to cook "egg in the hole" from Jim. It's a piece of bread, buttered on both sides with a hole taken out of the middle. Put it in a pan and then break the egg so the yolk goes into the hole. After a minute or two flip it so the egg is cooked 'over easy'. Then it can be served with a piece of ham or some hash browns or such.

He loved to do outside work around the house. When we were in boston he built a privacy fence for the dogs. He dug the holes, mixed cement, put the posts in and set it up. He had done lots of stuff, but this was the best I think of what he had done. It was not easy. The digging was horrendous because of the rocks. But the final result was great.

He did many things around the house we are in now. Tar on the roof, painting, new ceiling fans and spackle, doors hung, and an entire kitchen renovated by himself. He would look at a job and work it thru how to do it. It didn't always get finished, but he had it figured out in his mind and could tell me about it.

Jim put sod strips down in the backyard here. The space is about 4 ft by 6 ft. It looked so nice when he was finished that he lay on the grass. He called me out and we both lay on the grass and stared at the sky. It felt like a real backyard.

He loved to listen to a lot of the 70's music. The bee gees, diana summer, the village people. He loved the beatles and thru my suggestions came to like some country music.

When we were first married we lived with Jim's mom, in this very house. I can see the basement door still has the spray paint that Jim put on it "I love U Mom - Jim & Betsy". I don't know how often she looked at it, but I see it everyday.

Jim was definately a joker. We were dating and we stopped to get some money out at the atm. He was next to me and showing me his pin number. We finished and turned around. The older man behind us said "good that you are showing your daughter how to use that". Jim grabbed me and said "it sure is" and kissed me in front of the guy.

He would go to the movie theatres and for the last five years would ask for a senior discount. He said sometimes he got it right off and other times they asked for id and he didn't get it. He told me, he isn't telliing them he was a senior, just asking for it. It's their choice. I never could get him to see the difference.

Jim was a techno electric guy. He didn't know computers, but loved to wire tv's, stereos or the like. We have a cable running in from the wall and it is split to all over the place. He was good at that - making it work. In one house we had a tv in every room and all had cable. Well we didn't have one in the bathroom.

The first fourth of july we spent in boston we both had to work. We were working down in Faneuil Hall and we closed a little early. He told me to come out the back and when I went there was a horse and carriage waiting there. He hired a carriage to take us on a tour of the waterfront and to watch the fireworks. It was incredibly romantic.

I can remember another fourth of july when we went to an area to watch the celebration with Jim's sister and brother. I took my camera and we sat in the field and we ooohhhed and aaahhhheed. I have a frame shot that I took with two bursts in it. He had it matted and framed for me.

This will continue.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008


Dear Jim,

I thought of you this morning as I woke and touched your pillow. I miss the snuggle against your chest as we both enjoy that quiet moment before all hell breaks loose for the day. You always told me it was your favorite time to be with me - before the world crashes in on us with all the obligations and stress. It was just the two of us. It was a peaceful feeling to know that you were at my side and we shared that calmness.

I thought of you this morning when I saw my neighbors kiss as they left each other on their way to work. Jim, I miss not having you to kiss good bye and wish a good day to. I know as we would kiss good bye we were both thinking of the time ahead when we would be together again.

I think of you alot. I am trying to keep going on without you and sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it is hard to explain to others just how hard it is. The different levels that your death has touched. Not just in my mind, dealing with your being gone. But in day to day life chores in the house, handling finances and thinking things out more about repairs and what would Jim do. Sometimes I can solve them fine, sometimes I just let them go.

Jim, my love, my honeybunny, I ache. The ache comes because I won't be able to touch you again. To feel your lips on mine. To see into the eyes that love me.

I have a photo of you on the wall, it is a head shot and you are smiling. It is an 8x10 and is large. I talk to you and look at that photo. I can see you there. I watched a video and chuckled again at the eyebrows raising and the facial expressions you could create. Your humor is missed not just by me, but by our friends also.

Jim, I know you didn't want to leave me. Thinking of the long days ahead where there is this hole in my heart for you. I know, I know, what you are going to say is that I will get over you and that I must go on, but it is hard right now. I breathe in and feel the pain, right there, right in that spot that you touched with your lips.

Last night I heard some noise outside. I looked out my door and was caught up in a memory. A man walking down the street and from where you would park when there was no spaces near our house. It was eerie. I got goosebumps and a deja vu.

I looked again and said "yes, he would park there, he would climb wearily out of the car, he would turn to pull stuff out and I would see his butt and smile, then he would walk down the street smiling more and more as he got closer and would see me and the dogs with our heads out the door, I would sometimes run to greet him, in my pj's and slippers and who cares what the neighbors saw, I remember his lips on mine in greeting and the hug. The hug that told me how much he needed to come home to me." I said all that to myself, with just the dogs looking on.

Jim, I almost stopped the man to ask for a hug. I know you are laughing as I tell you this. I miss your hugs. You know how good the sex was? well Jim, the hugs we shared were better. Okay, well almost better. No, they were better and you know it too. Hugs and laughter and love.

Oh Jim. I can't stop the tears, but I can remember the smiles my love.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Almost like a song

It Was Almost Like a Song
Ronnie Milsap

Once in every life,
someone comes along.
And you came to me,
it was almost like a song.

You were in my arms,
right where you belong.
And we were so in love,
it was almost like a song.

January through December,
we had such a perfect year.
But then the flame became a dying ember,
all at once,you weren't here.

Now my broken heart,
cries for you each night.
And it's almost like a song,
but it's much too sad to write.

Now my broken heart,
cries for you each night.
And it's almost like a song,
but it's much too sad to write.
It's too sad to write.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Pricks of pain

Shopping at the grocery store yesterday brought a realization of what I have been noticing for a couple weeks but not really recognized. After losing Jim there was almost nothing I could see as I travelled through the day that didn't remind me of some aspect of our lives together, or just simply, him. They all hurt. They would cause a very sharp pain, or a feeling like a hole was ripped open in my chest.

The tears come now, but they come more in my mind and less to my eyes. I see jalepeno peppers and think that I won't need to buy them again. I see my neighbor pushing the cart thru the parking lot and remember how Jim would do that and like the kid he was, get up on the back of it and ride it, or let it go and then chase it. Laughing as he did this. These cause what I am going to call little pricks of pain. It hurts for a moment, I acknowledge the hurt, remember the Jim moment and then I have to move on.

Not forgotten. I have the late night tears when I am home all alone and it is still so overwhelming. I wonder when does it get any better and what is the point to it all. I am still grieving, still missing and still wanting him back.

I realized shopping that remembering Jim thru the day is being internalized more and not spoken to others. Who wants to keep hearing "Jim and I did this...." or "Jim used to do that....". I can say it to myself. I can remember him and tell him that his quirky way of looking at life is being missed by me. I appreciated and enjoyed and complimented this view he held.

The prick of pain that is found at the end of a quick Jim memory flash will sometimes grow to be a large hole that makes it hard to breathe. I am not sure how other people handle this. I have let go on buses, in the stores, in the bathroom at work, but now am learning the control to keep it till I am home, alone and able to really get it all out. This first month of the new year has been a hard one. I spent alot of time very depressed and trying to figure out why others can have years together with abuse and fighting and drinking and yet, a happy situation was whisked away. It is so hard to explain the feeling to others, at least when I talk. Writing has certainly helped.

I don't want to be a widow stuck in a dark house with the slippers and messed up hair and no sleep. My Mom wouldn't have wanted it, my husband wouldn't have wanted it and my family doesn't. The obstacles against this are sometimes overwhelming. That is when I really start to lose control. When the pain of loss hits and I am stuck. By wanting to get out of the house, I don't want to seem as if I am forgetting what has happened. I worry that people will think that also. The circle goes aaround and around in my head.

The pricks will be with me today as I go out to the mall with a friend.

Another diet plan

Got on the scale today and found out that after a week of not much more than scambled egg sandwiches, chicken noodle soup and lots and lots of water, I have lost 6 pounds. That is after standing on the scale fully clothed with my sneakers on (but not soaking wet) so it may be more. Being sick had it's good points.

I am having some Keebler fudge stripe cookies as I write this, so who knows what next weeks weigh in will bring.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Sick week

I spent a week pretty sick. I haven't posted in a bit because of this. I went back to work today and tonight had a real dinner for the first time in 5 days. Wheee.

More later.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Part 2

Memories of May 29th and beyond. I can't remember if I talked of that day or not, but am going to call this part two anyway. If information is repeated, well, too bad.

Everything was such a rush. It was a rush or just whizzed on by. That week after Jim died. I remember certain things and can't remember some.

Sitting in my kitchen. Lots of family around but no one knew baltimore so i had to look up the funeral home. I could barely see the pages of the phone book. I knew the one we chose was the same one his mother had her service at. And more than likely his father also.
(why do i keep reliving this? so that maybe the nightmare will end. so that i can say, no i want it to end diffrerently.)

I stopped there for awhile and couldn't didn't want to handle the memories again. I decided not to open that pandoras box.

I look over at the picture of jim and i in athens ga and the look on his face makes me smile and cry. He has that goatee and just a sort of tired yet, happy smile. I look at other pictures and he has that same happy smile, yet he doesn't look so tired. I don't know why I didn't realize he was so tired. Why didn't I realize it.

I thought about how as I look back on our life, it seemed like Jim didn't think he was going to live to be an old man. The last five or so years of our time he talked about how I would take care of myself when he was gone. He didn't talk about how we would retire together. He did get his postal job so that we could retire safely, but he didn't talk about it much. He didn't say 'when we have a chance we will go see xxxx or live in xxxx. Though actually until his brother benny died, he did talk about moving down to florida to be closer to him or selling the house and getting an RV to travel in.

I guess it is tough because for all that I had in self confidence and outgoing nature, it was a mask of my feeling like i wasn't as good as the others. The others are all of you. It goes back to that childhood thing that most of us probably know about and have. self esteem.

Jim gave me thru word and deed and touch, the feeling that i was. I was his special girl, his beautiful woman and his exciting love. He needed to be able to have this - a person to give this love too, as much as I needed to receive it. It was not just a him give, me take, but also a me give, him take. our needs complimented each other. At least most of the time. Sometimes our timing was off and things got heated, but I shrug at this because we always hugged in the end and we always realized what we had with each other was not worth messing up.

He was a family guy and missed his relationship with his children. Every night he said prayers and they were first on his list. He loved hanging out with his sister and brothers when he could. He considered friends to be an extension of his family and enjoyed it when he could share time. This usually extended even to employees of his. He was like this umbrella. There were times back almost 15 years ago when we had parties at the townhouse and it was just a bunch of our employees coming over to hang out. Kind of weird but there was some comarderie that helped us to form a great sales team. This happened with Jim from job to job. I can close my eyes, picture the job and remember the people he helped in some way.

Jim had a lot of jobs for one guy in 17 years. He worked hard at them, and I always thought he gave to much. He tried to hard and wasn't as ruthless and cutthroat as others in his same spot. He was starting as an older guy because he was in the Navy for 12 years and served during the Vietnam war. The got him out the gate into the retail management world a bit later than others. His stores did well but something always seemed to happen that squelched success. His one real moment of triumph was a few years back when he asked for and received a transfer to Texas. We were going to move! It was something we both were looking forward too and the move was set for early October. Then. Well, then Katrina hit. The company stores in LA were wrecked. They moved the managers from there right into...texas. Jim was told he had to wait. It was a blow that was not his fault, but still seemed like the black cloud was following us.

I am not sure why I am writing this all out, but in doing so, it is unlocking other memories which is kind of neat. Things I haven't thought of in years pop up and flash into my head. It is a bittersweet road.