Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Two years, one month.

Yep, I am still counting, even if it just to myself.

I have been really emotional for the last few days and couldn't quite figure out why. The 29th sort of snuck up on me. I have had some early morning tears and some late night 'why's'. And just this evening driving to Walmart I thought about Jim's daughter and her new baby and a stray thought that popped in was "please tell him good things about his granddad" and it exploded in my head and it was all I could do to drive and cry at the same time.

It exploded because I know how much Jim would have loved to see his grandson. And how much he loved and was so proud of his children and what they had achieved. And how I really wish there was a way for his grandson to learn about him and I can only hope they he does.

I really don't like this being alone stuff, but I don't know who I could be with other than Jim right now, so I am stuck alone. There is no one to yell 'let the dogs out!' or to ask to get you some ice cream from the freezer or to help by rubbing their shoulders after a stressful day. He is missed.

Monday, June 8, 2009

2 years of blogging

It's been a long trip.

Just about two years ago I started this blog and tried hard to use it to capture memories of my beloved Jim. The special things that was no one elses. The quirk of an eyebrow, the twinkle in the eye, the jokes, the personality of the man. I wanted to keep the memory alive, so that he would be still alive, even in his death. Photos and stories that were told. Dreams we had that were reached and the ones that from his being gone, are not possible anymore. My inside was a shell filled with pain and the healing that has come was in the sharing.

The missing of Jim is still with me. Each day, with each breathe, but and there is that big old but. But I am finding that I can breathe without him. It hurts, and I don't want to be able to, but I can. I am.

It was two years ago that I started blogging. And I thank everyone that has read my blogs and journeyed with me. Thank you for sharing the journey that is Jim. A man that was very special in this world of mine.

The posts have gotten much spottier because work has been cranked up and taken my energy. Mercury's illness is pulling energy out of me in a different way. I want to take some time and read what I have written and make notes - I am thinking that as I read, more memories will be triggered and more things will not be forgotten. The journey is not done, but it is pulling over to the side of the road for a moment.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Grandmother, me?

Oh my, what news.

Jim's daughter, my stepdaughter, is about to have a baby. That would make me a Grammy. Or a step Grandma. I never imagined this day would come. And I am so very sorry that Jim is not alive to enjoy it. He would have been a wonderful Grandfather. He loved children - maybe because he was able to reach into his inner child and connect with them.

My relationship with my stepchildren was tenuous at best while Jim was still alive. It has been non-existant (and not a surprise) since his death. His relationship with them was wonderful until the divorce. Then it slid downhill, as I saw, it was because of his ex-wife and her influence. Both Jim and I were very happy when his daughter reconnected with him about 5 years ago. He met with her and they got to know each other as adults.

Last week my cellphone did a systems update and it retrieved phone numbers from my old contact list. This meant I had many numbers doubled and some I had deleted show up again. Jim's daughter was one of those. On the 29th I called her to let her know I was thinking about her, and how I still had some of Jim's ashes set aside for her. She responded on the 30th with an email that gave me her address and the news of the baby to come in just a couple weeks.

Oh my, what a wild high I was on that day. A grandmother!!! Kind of, sort of. I know I won't be involved a lot in the baby's life, but I can at least visit and see him/her and maybe ask for some pictures thru the years. I would love to see how much of Jim's genes are peeking out.