I just read the post I made for the blog on July 4th 2007.
"It was a bit of a bad night....but it got better. The day went well and work was cool. The night crept in and as it got darker so did my mood. I realized after dinner that this would be the first holiday without Jim.
I started to think about things we had done on the Fourth of July. And it got me down. I found my self wandering thru the house saying over and over 'I miss you Jim, Jim I miss you". I said it to the couch, the walls, the kitchen and the screen door as I looked out at the yard. I tried to hold the tears in but they came anyway. Buckets of them. I couldn't seem to stop them. There was a feeling of helplessness in the situation and an uncontrollable feeling of just plain old sadness. Sadness that he was gone."
I am not as down today as I was when I wrote that a year ago. I am not as happy as I was in July 2006. I just sort of 'am'. The emotions and thoughts I wrote a year ago are still valid, just a little quieter.
I woke up this morning crying. Why the tears came was when I rolled over and once again realized I was alone in the bed. There was no heartbeat next to me. No shoulder to snuggle against. No real sense to the death of my loved one. The tears were few and they seem to stop fairly quickly nowadays. They are still coming though.
Jim, I miss you. Still.