The Second Fourth

How much has changed in a year. And how much has not.

I just read the post I made for the blog on July 4th 2007.

"It was a bit of a bad night....but it got better. The day went well and work was cool. The night crept in and as it got darker so did my mood. I realized after dinner that this would be the first holiday without Jim.

I started to think about things we had done on the Fourth of July. And it got me down. I found my self wandering thru the house saying over and over 'I miss you Jim, Jim I miss you". I said it to the couch, the walls, the kitchen and the screen door as I looked out at the yard. I tried to hold the tears in but they came anyway. Buckets of them. I couldn't seem to stop them. There was a feeling of helplessness in the situation and an uncontrollable feeling of just plain old sadness. Sadness that he was gone."

I am not as down today as I was when I wrote that a year ago. I am not as happy as I was in July 2006. I just sort of 'am'. The emotions and thoughts I wrote a year ago are still valid, just a little quieter.

I woke up this morning crying. Why the tears came was when I rolled over and once again realized I was alone in the bed. There was no heartbeat next to me. No shoulder to snuggle against. No real sense to the death of my loved one. The tears were few and they seem to stop fairly quickly nowadays. They are still coming though.

Today I started the new memories in my life. I went to a friends for a 4th picnic. I had some good food, some good laughs and played with some cute dogs. Being around friends that knew Jim and I and yet are still okay with me as a onesy is nice. Several other friends just can't seem to figure out that and are uncomfortable. Today I was with people that respected and enjoyed Jim. That is important, and appreciated. I know having new experiences is part of the growing that needs to be done by me. Part of the grieving is also the growing. Not forgetting, but remembering while continuing.

It was when I was rereading the last part of the post from a year ago that I found I was also smiling. It was there that I wrote about some wonderful fourth of july memories that Jim and I shared. And that is why I started this blog. So I wouldn't forget the memories or have them fade to nothing. Not to hold them stagnant and not to move forward, but to remember and smile and be happy that I was given the time I was. Reading the post for last years 4th, besides being sad, I was also able to smile and recall and that showed me the writing that I am doing here is good and right.

Jim, I miss you. Still.