Sunday, July 27, 2008

Monday monday - not till tomorrow

Tomorrow is Monday.

I don't mind it being Monday, I just wish I could have a week with no obligations. One that I could run the errands I needed, go to the dentist, doctor and get a pedicure and not worry about time away from the office. Maybe we should make it two weeks off. I could get a massage, catch up on some movies and just think things out.

I woke up feeling so depressed. I did get up, watched some tv while the dogs were out back and then went back up to take a nap. When I got up again it was for lunch and I watched Dirty Dancing while I cleaned the kitchen and did some chores in the living room.

Depression is scaring me and I can feel the overpowering sense of 'it doesn't matter anyway' overtaking me sometimes. I am going to try and find a counselor to talk to again just because I can't stand my head being like this and can't figure out how to get past it.

It is like there is a little me inside my head looking at what is happening and pounding on that door saying 'no no no' and the big me inside my head is just laying there going 'what's next'. The little me is trying to keep some hope there and the big me is feeling overwhelmed.

That last paragraph was a downer but it is just what is happening. After the whole bit with my dad dying I come home to a letter from the IRS saying my return was missing some info. I have to look into and submit the information and I can't reach my CPA on the phone. This means I may not get the stimulus check because they won't issue it if they think I still owe money.

Does it ever end?

On a different note.

I made some decisions this weekend to really start getting rid of the 'things' around my house that are cluttering it up. I have so many things that are just that, things. The next three months is going to be many trips to the goodwill and the dump and to friends houses with items. Maybe even some things will be seen on ebay. But I realized that I am done. I am tired of trying to hold it all together and keep track of all the pieces. I am not going nuts and gutting the place, there will definately be some precious items kept, but this time in October the house will look different.

I am trying to think of where I want to live. I visited a friend and her place was beautiful. Open yard and a plant that attracted butterflies and a nice piece of country. It was so much cooler outside than in the city that I was amazed at the difference. I really want to work at moving sometime next year to a place either in a small town or outside of a suburb. Yep. I haven't figured out what state - montana looks pretty, west virginia is nice, pennsylvania for some reason is still my favorite choice.

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