Tuesday, June 24, 2008

50 First dates

I just watched 50 First Dates. It completely blew me away. I went to see it when it was out in the theatres. With Jim. Seeing it again without him was so strange. I kept wanting to grab his hand and squeeze. I started crying with how wonderful Adam Sandler was being to this woman that could never remember him for more than a day. I hugged myself because I wanted someone to hug.

I could see Jim doing something like Adam Sandler did in the movie. Every day having me fall in love with him again. He would have done it because of the love that was held in his heart.

I can't go on right now. The crying was not just a 'miss you Jim' cry but more a total loss of what could have been and a sadness for losing what was.

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I went grocery shopping and saw a couple things that reminded me of Jim and had to share.

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This quote from hannah and lily.

This grieving, it really is a process. In the beginning I could barely make myself get out of bed in the morning. I chose to honor Hannah and to LIVE, but it was so so hard. I initially measured the passing of each day. Then, I would say, "It's been one week. It's been two weeks." Pretty soon, I was marking the passage of months. I was proud of myself for being able to make plans for the next day, then, to look ahead a week. Pretty soon, I was looking out a month, two months. There was such unbearable pain I was having more down yos than up. Gradually, so gradually I didn't even realize it was happening, the pain was lessening. I didn't consciously realize I was having more up yos than down, that I was no longer marking month anniversaries. Time, and life, whether we wish them to or not, move onward quite steadily.

Am I suggesting I'm out of the woods? Am I suggesting I'll never have another down yo? Nope, not by a long shot. Am I saying I'm in a pretty good place, right now, at this moment? Yes. Yes I am. Do I still catch my breath with slight twinge to my chest even this second as I sit here thinking of all I'm missing with the Monkey? Absolutely. This process, this journey is long and arduous, but right now, my path is pretty level.

6 comments:

Rach said...

Oh, I LOVE "50 First Dates". Brien is a bit of an Adam Sandler junkie, and I can see how it would make you weep for ALL that you have lost, not just Jim, for ultimately you have lost so very much.

Just so you know, I check on you daily too. :o) I need to know you are okay. I wrote about parents losing children because those are typically the blogs who get sent my way. I seem to be the person people go to to seek comfort for others... Go figure.

I can't wait to read about the items that remind you of Jim. I picked up fresh green beans the other day and was IMMEDIATELY reminded of Han as she LOVED to eat them as a snack, and I would let her put them in the bag at the store.

I'm pleased to see you felt some connection with what I had written.

Wishing you some peace and comfort today, Betsy. :o)

HUGS

Betts4 said...

Oops. This wasn't supposed to be posted until I cleaned it up and added photos.

But hey, maybe my subconcious was telling me something.

I have edited it a bit from last night.

Rach said...

LOL, Betsy, I've done the same thing before, thought I hit "save" and instead hit "publish". No worries. :o)

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Hey sweetie - I sure wish I could hug you. I would never say I understand what you're going through, but I'm here to listen.

Linda said...

50 First Dates is an awesome movie. It's one that I've watched over and over again.
I am so,so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express how much my heart aches for you.
I am thinking of you and holding you close.
Linda

patrick said...

50 First Dates was a genius chick flick; awesome scenery too, made me want to live in Hawaii