Saturday, May 29, 2010

3 years

"It's not easy to be a superhero's heroine."

Remembering Jim on this third year of his passing.

One of my internet friends, a fellow widow, sent me this video and told me that she was thinking of Jim and I on this day. "What I want you to do today and often in the future when you're thinking about your personal superhero, Betts, is to realize the hero qualities you possess and have proven are inside you. If you never gave thought to you being Jim's super heroine, give it thought now, for no doubt Jim knows it's not been easy to be you, and is so proud of you in your silly red sheet as you've so courageously tried to find the better part of yourself these last three years. There are so many special things inside of you."

I have tried to be strong and to move forward with my life, as Jim would want me to do. Every day seems like a new adventure to test the limits of my bounds. Jim and I did this together and it made us a special team.

Jim, I love you still and miss you always.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Star Spangled America Remembers

This Memorial Day weekend has me remembering lots of things.

Jim's passing on Tuesday morning 5/29/2007 is one of those things, but others include the soldiers that have served for their country. My country. Our country. My father was one of them. He served in the Army under Patton, in WW2 and was a POW. My husband served during Vietnam and was in the Navy for 12 years. My friend Fred, served as a Marine during the Gulf War and just retired after 20 odd years serving and protecting our nation.

Thank You.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Iron Man

So there I was, at the movies, about to watch Iron Man 2. Iron Man was a favorite of Jim's. That was one of the things that I was sad about when it came out, was that he would be watching it with me. He had been looking forward to it since they announced it.

Anyway, there I am and there he is. No, not Jim but a cute older guy that was sitting alone. He was on the end of the row that myself and two of my gal friends were in. I got up to go do my last pee before the movie. He let me by and coming back I said "one more time past". He put his leg up and said "oh wait, toll to pay". I laughed, he moved his leg, chuckled and said Just Kidding. I then got promptly teased by my friends. What? are we back in high school? Geesh. Well, then I couldn't stop sneaking looks over at him. Did he have a wedding band on? I never could tell.

I am looking at other guys.

That was a rush in my head when I thought about it but then realized that I probably had too much baggage to be able to do more than flirt a bit. But, hey, I flirted a bit when Jim was around so that is nothing new.

Baggage? Well, not just mental. I thought about how I would really have to clean up my act a bit. Lose some more weight, take care of some other vanity issues and do something with the house, or maybe leave the house the way it is and rent an apartment and pretend I lived there. LOL.

As for the mental baggage, hey, I still miss my soulmate. I miss him always and sometimes with a deep deep ache and sometimes with just a sigh of sadness.

Things I try to imagine is putting my arms around another guy. Kissing. I mean really deep throat kissing. I don't know. It may be really tough and I don't know if there is a guy nice enough to stick with and work with me and get me thru it. It must be hard running up against a memory. And then of course, if I am smart I will get drunk enough so it won't matter or in a more predictable way, I will get drunk enough to try and then can see myself crying. Bleh.

All kinds of scenarios run thru my head and they basically end with me not being able to find a man that is patient, loving and willing to overlook all my flaws the way Jim did. And the way I did of his flaws, to see the beauty in ourselves. He boosted my confidence in my self image. That is self image I have of myself is part of the baggage that has to be dealt with.

I am not Iron Woman, I don't want to live alone. So, I will go to movies, share a laugh and think about what is coming next.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

May Flowers

My Mom was always into gardening. I love to garden, but I am into the pots and flower boxes rather than in the ground planting. Probably because of my blackish green thumb that doesn't do well with setting up flower or vegatable gardens. Usually it all goes to waste because I don't maintain it. A flower pot or flower box in the backyard is a lot easier. If I have a few pots and one doesn't grow, I can take that one out of the mix and replant in the pot.

I am having fun with Morning Glories this year. I got a pot with five starter shoots and set it next to the fence where there is a lattice. I have been letting them grow and then wrapping the ends around the lattice to twist them and make it thicker.

I saw this in a magazine (see the pic on the right) and mine is not nearly as thick as this now, the way it is growing, it will be soon! I think that will be a wonderful dash of color to the side of the privacy fence that right now is worn down faded brown wood. I also contemplate painting the fence but haven't gotten the energy together for that.

We are having both May showers and May flowers around here. I like both.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mom!

It's Sunday, and Mother's day. I miss Mom.

Yesterday was the 9th anniversary of her passing and it was a tough day. I look around the house and see things the remind me of her - things I do now that I remember her doing.

There are little things like color and furniture styles and bigger things like the impulse to decide at breakfast that it would be a good day to go for a ride instead of doing the chores around the house. I will admit there is my Dad as an influence in my house also. That would be the packratedness of the rooms, though I am trying to squelch that and clean things up. My sister and I talked about this and she was saying that she feels her gardening is a trait she got from mom. We would have large vegatable gardens in the back every year. Mom would use the veggies for meals but also would do canning of the tomatoes and such for the rest of the year.

My sister went to visit my Mom's grave yesterday and put some flowers there. Mom is buried in the same cemetary as my grandfather and grandmother and several other generations from that side of the family. Today, while cleaning and going through some boxes that had never been sorted out from our move, I found a small tin that has some of my Mom's ashes in it. I looked at it and thought about taking them up to the Susquenhanna River near Harrisburg where she was born. She told me that it was on that river in a canoe on a sunday afternoon that my dad proposed to her. Then I thought about my tattoo with some of Jim's ashes in it and now am considering maybe a small tattoo in her honor with some of her ashes. I have to think about it for a bit to figure out just what would be right.

The photos I have looked at today of my Mom were fun. I pulled out an album that had some from her childhood - it is interesting to compare pictures of her with those of me, my sister and my nieces. There are family resemblances and that is comforting.

Happy Mother's Day!

Friday, May 7, 2010

When I close my eyes

So many songs touch my inner core when I hear them. This one gave me chills. There are so many things I didn't say. Each line was written as if I had written it and describes my missing Jim. To see him when I close my eyes, to hear his laugh and feel his touch again.

Thursday, May 6, 2010



I finally learned how to post a video from Youtube.

My world has just expanded! This is going to be fun.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

New York and Breathing

Well I made it through the first week of May.


I have been experiencing crazy allergy symptoms this year. It is new for me and dealing with the sinus headaches, congestion, runny nose and now sore eyes has been pretty stressful. I didn't know which way to turn. I have had a couple friends tell me that their spring allergies didn't hit them till they were older also. I am going to be really mad at my body if it makes me endur this every year. Bleh!!

I spent last weekend in Manhattan. That was fun. I went up to visit a friend and his wife who live on Long Island. We all walked around, saw some touristy stuff and some not so touristy, but still fun stuff. It was a nice weekend getaway. I even got an "I love New York" t-shirt.

It was in New York City that the allergy problems really hit me. It was a surprise.