Thursday, April 29, 2010

2 plus 11

Yep. 2 years and 11 months since Jim has been gone.

I have said it before, and will say it again, but some days it feels like just yesterday and some days it feels like forever and sometimes I look up from the computer thinking I hear his step coming thru the front door and I wait, breathless for a second, to hear the 'hello' he always yelled out and then his 'oh hi boy' in a lower voice as he would pet Merc and Tigg and Fig while they greeted him, and it gave me a minute to run down the stairs. Then, wrapping my arms around his neck and ignoring bags and coats and anything else, just to let him know I missed him.

Yep, sometimes.

The house gets quiet and I don't mean to, but I do, I wait to hear him stirring downstairs. If I can think that then maybe I can think he isn't really gone. I catch myself doing this, then shaking my head, a little smile and feeling sad, silly and wondering why it still happens. Though, honestly, I don't know that I mind it.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Memory land

Hanging some photos in the office tonight was a nice trip thru memory lane. I put some up of Jim and I, but also of my family. I found a few of my siblings and me as kids from when I was putting together a memory board for my Dad's memorial service. I have them up and it is neat to see the years fade and remember my life back when I was a kid. Me with the funky hair style and the big 80's style glasses. My brother with his hockey gear on. Best of all was the christmas card photo from 1972 with my family all standing on the stairwell in our house holding garland. These blasts from the past are a fun time travel.

Sorting through some of my Dad's old things I found a card that I sent him with my high school graduation picture in it. Also there was maybe 8 more wallet size pictures of me, from first grade till high school. Not every year, but most of them. All I can say as I look at them is Oh my God. In two of them I have red bandannas around my neck, in 4 I have wire rim granny glasses and in 3 I have hair styles I shouldn't have walked out the door with.

I don't mind remembering. I love going back in my head to various times in my life. I have another wall in the office that will be for friends. My Blues Brothers, my Jedi Knight, the TCF peeps and Dalpals. It is a nice reminder of life.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

One of those Saturdays, or maybe not

It could only get better you know. Saturday started with a list of things to do and I figure a run up to sam's club and go from there. Sam's club was a total clusterfuck. I am going to vent so you can skip ahead if you want.

I forgot my card so I had to get a temp. one. No big deal, it has happened before. I get in line for customer service and am waiting patiently, suddenly a lady walks in from the side and goes up the counter and she gets helped next. I sigh and think about saying something but then figure that will be a okay. Then the other CSR gets done and a man sidles in with a receipt from the tire place and she takes care of him......I am getting upset now. Internally. The wisps of steam from my ears may have scared the guy behind me off or maybe he just got tired of waiting. Finally get helped and I mention the two people ahead of me and the woman just looks at me like I have three heads. Okay, shopping goes well, I go to pay and am told the card number written down doesn't work. Argh. I lose it and push the cart into some water (nothing spilling) and go off to Customer Service. The same woman is there and doesn't understand what is wrong. All the numbers are right to her. A look at my driver's license and she says, oh, it should be okay now. I tell her great, she can check me out here. She starts to say no and I say yes. Yes, you can. She did.

On my way out I am asked if I would like to fill out a survey. I smile savagely and say sure...oh boy will that be fun!

Then the day starts to turn. I look down and see 2 gift cards in the parking lot. One for a local restaurant and one for Target. Must have dropped out of someones wallet when they put the sam's club card away. I scooped them up and then asked the different people in our parking row. No one was missing them. Well, finders keepers. Sorry there was NO WAY I was going back in sam's club.

I went on to get lunch and found my favorite bar-b-que was packed and I was too hungry to wait. It was off to find a fastfood place. Argh. I was looking forward to some pulled pork. Oh well. "Be flexible" I kept chanting to myself.

Then I saw a couple of tweens holding up signs for a free car wash at the gas station. I scooted in and got to watch the kids working on the car. I donated $10 bucks to their goal of getting to a summer church retreat.

Okay things were changing for the better. I went home, settled down outside with a book and a dog and relaxed. In the afternoon on saturdays the local Baptist church at the end of the block has a band or choir practice or something where you can hear the drums and sometimes the songs. I enjoy doing stuff in the yard so I can listen.

I found out this morning that the Target card has $5.24 on it and the card for the restaurant has $50.00. I guess a nice dinner will make up for the farce at Sam's club. Though, I wonder if I can call the restuarant and find out who bought it.

Weekends are so much fun and so short. I think a three day weekend should be the norm. A day to do errands and chores, a day for home repairs and one for just plain fun. Sounds good to me.

Friday, April 16, 2010


These stuff in the house, I need to go thru it and that is just so tough. The last week has been a slow pick thru of things to determined what to send to the trash or yard sale or what to keep. It is better this year than it was last year but there is still things of Jim's that I just don't want to lose yet.

I am learning to make decisions and choose 3 things and let the other 10 things go to the dump. This helps.

Talking to my neighbor, who is also a widow, told me that she can't bear to part with any of her husband items yet. It's only been one year and she says it is just too soon. I am approaching three years and it is getting easier to filter what to keep and what to let go.

My basement has quite a few boxes of knick knacks and such that I need to go thru....again. I went thru them all once and got rid of some stuff, but I think I need to make it smaller once again. I just have to tell myself that I really DON'T need those items. That is the tough part.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I want to run to you.....

The Bodyguard (1992)

I know that when you look at me
Theres so much that you just don´t see
But if you´d only take the time
I know in my heart you would find
Oh, a girl, who has scared sometimes
Who is not always strong
Can´t you see the hurt in me
I feel so all alone

I want to run to you
I want to run to you
Won´t ya hold me in your arms & keep me safe from harm
I want to run to you
But if I come to you
Tell me will you stay
Or will you run away

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home & turn the key
Theres nobody there, no one cares for me
Oh woah what´s the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share them with
Tell me what does it mean


Run away, no
I need you here I need you here to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
No if you only knew how much I want to run to you
Ya know I want to run to you
Won´t ya hold me in your arms & keep me safe from harm
I want to run to you
But if I come to you
Tell me will you stay
Or will you run away

Irony is so much fun!!

I am spending the weekend rearranging furniture and pulling open bags that haven't been touched in a long time. One bag opened to reveal Jim's shoes. A pair of dress shoes, sandals, an awesome pair of boots he used for his costumes and sneakers. Yep. Sneakers that meant he could run. Run to me. Or me to him. To kiss away all my fears. And hold me in his arms.

One of my problems with just giving all his stuff to goodwill is not just that I am losing a part of him...but rather because it seems a waste. I would love to find one of my friends to help by giving him some new shoes. Then I would know in my head/heart that the things weren't just fading off into the mainstream world but rather helping someone I knew. I have given lots of his clothing to some homeless men in my neighborhood that were in need. That made me feel like it wasn't just a blanket 'giving it away' but rather to help, to know.

Anyone need some size 10 1/2 running shoes?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Dipping toes in the pool

Testing the water as it were.

In a couple days my niece and finacee are coming to help me rearrange my office and bedroom space. This may be the start of more reworking in the house. Things that have needed to be done and been put off for 3 years. If I can get thru this weekend with no major meltdowns, then there is a possiblity that the other things can get done too. I am going to try and with family and friends around it may not be an issue. It's usually the afterwards, after everyone has gone home, that is the problem.