Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween!

Feeling a little better today, though my eyes still hurt and I wanted to sleep awhile longer. The room was warm and dark and body was tired.

I wore my Wicked Witch of the West striped socks to work today, that was the closest to a costume that I was allowed to wear. I also pulled out on of Jim's favorite dress shirt, it is striped and goes with the socks.

I got some halloween candy for the trick or treaters but I don't expect many. Last year we had about 15 or so. I think a lot of families take their kids in costume to the local malls for a 'safe' trick or treat time.

On another note, I debated (with myself) about taking some time off. I would have to talk to my boss and see if I could maybe just skip a paycheck and take 2 weeks off to get things in the house more in order. I come home from work and have no inclination to do anything that needs to be done. I don't mind the little things like straighten and such. But I mean the bigger things like sort out the tools in the back/summer kitchen/laundry room, getting stuff out of the basement, finding my winter clothes and packing the summer ones. It just isn't happening.

My older brother is coming next weekend to help me haul stuff to the dump or to a Goodwill and fix a few things around the house. That will help. I wanted to have a yard sale or such so I may make a pile for that. I am thinking I don't need all the things we had in the basement like lamps, non working computers and such anymore. My younger brother said 'minimalize' and I think to a certain degree that is a good idea. Now of course, don't nobody touch my Star Wars collection or the comics....but old lamps can go.

We had a lot of things we were sort of hanging onto for when we moved to the new place. Twice in the last 3 years we were about to move and something happened. Katrina was one of them and Jim's death another. We had put in transfer paperwork for a move to PA and were very happy about this. It saddens me to think about the dreams we had that are no more. They were OUR dreams and they are gone. Jim would probably say 'make new dreams and never never quit dreaming'. That was how he lived.

Well, I sort of veered off of Halloween there.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Have I told you lately.....

This will be a rambling babbling blog, but I don't really care at this point.

It was an okay day. Till I got to the supermarket to get a couple things. Standing in the checkout line I hear "have I told you lately that I love you" by Rod Stewart but in a sort of muzak version.
I am getting a pain in my chest and remembering when that was sung to me.

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

I started crying in the line. I had my hands filled with banannas, bread, some pringles and a bag of halloween candy. I had no way to wipe the tears and the song went on.

For the morning sun and all its glory
Meets the day with hope and comfort too
You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better
Ease my troubles, that's what you do
There's a love that's defined
And it's yours and it's mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray to the one, to the one

Hearing the voice, then hearing Jim's voice in my head. I heard the words coming, was even sort of singing along and just missing that I used to have this sung to me.

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do
There's a love that's defined
And it's yours and it's mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray to the one, to the one

I was staring at the ceiling and saying 'that's what you do, ease my troubles, take away my sadness, and there is no one else like you.' It was like a moment in freeze frame. I had no idea what was happening around me, I could just see his face, his eyes and hear his voice.

And have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
You fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

Then, suddenly it was over, the line was moving and I was wiping my eyes. I checked out, grabbed my bags and went out to wait for the bus. I wanted to call someone, but there was no one to call. I thought about what I wanted to say, and just said it out loud. No one was there to hear but me. I stared at the sky and talked.

I told Jim that I missed him and that there was nothing in my heart or in my life that would fill the void. I felt totally broken sitting at the bus stop and not knowing if the sadness would ever be healed. I thought about the days that I got thru and the days coming up. It was a life that I wanted to share, that we were supposed to share, a life that should have had more days, months, years of us together.

I ached to have Jim's arms around me and his voice telling me it was all going to be okay. I got on the bus and came home. I got home and put the food down and the dogs out and looked around at the empty house and realized again, I was alone. I couldn't stand this feeling and just wanted a hole to swallow me up. I gathered all of Jim's shirts up and lay on the bed and tried to bury myself in him. The shirts were muffling the screams and soaking up the tears.

And then. It was over. I got up and moved around a bit and found that I had left the dogs outside. My face is swollen and my body is tired. I am not focusing well tonight. I had spent the last week telling myself that Jim was just away on a trip. I had after five months been denying his death. I don't know why I had done that for the last few days. I kept thinking that he was just somewhere that he couldn't call and couldn't write. That burst yesterday. And released today.

There is a lot to do in our house and I don't have any inclination to do it. I can only hope that changes and maybe tomorrow night I can get some things done.

Sunday is our 18th wedding anniversary. We met in March and married in November.

I don't want to be without him. But I am.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Five months

Perhaps, they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy.

Five months.

Jim I miss you. Every second, minute and hour and every day.
Memories can give me the laughter that we had and yet,
memories will make me cry as I think of you,
but I am glad I have the memories.
And always, always I want to wrap my arms around you
and hold you again.
I love you honeybunny. I love you.


What is Death?
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without affect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.
All is well.

-- Henry Scott Holland1847-1918, Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral

Sunday, October 28, 2007


Halloween is just 3 days away.

Halloween was always a favorite in our house. Jim loved to create costumes and this surprised me because he didn't show this costuming creativity any other time of the year. The time he made a Green Lantern costume I was impressed that he could work a sewing machine and had never had any lessons.

The costume didn't come out as well he would have liked and I think he moved from sewing to hot glue, fabric glue and velcro. Velcro is a wonderful product. He didn't wear his Superman costume for Halloween but he did wear it for a friends independent movie short production. He did it in the traditional George Reeve black and white film style. A gray suit with black cape and white accents.

My cousin had an annual blow out Halloween party every year for about 10 or so years in a row. It was a great time and we trekked up to outside Philly to join the fun. Jim made a Batman costume for it one year. It was a great costume. He made it as a blend of the tv show Batman, the comic Batman and the movie Batman. The party wasn't till the weekend after Halloween and so I had a chance to find a rubber molded Batman mask for him at a ridiculously low price. It helped pull the whole look together. And to see him dancing like Adam West was priceless! (oh and I am poison ivy of course)Another year at this party that Jim and some other guys did a Chippendales number, there were some 40 yr old plus guys trying to be 20yr old studs. Oh and one year they had a black bat cake and we learned when you eat black icing you poop green. The crowd was always fun, it was usually all my cousins from that family and always good memories.

We didn't make there every year, but we looked forward to it when we could make it. It was usually held the weekend after Halloween. Our wedding anniversary is just a few days after Halloween. Which would mean sometimes it was that very same weekend. Of course we would want to do something fun and special for the anniversary. Most of the time we would go and have a good time because a good portion of the people there were at our wedding anyway so who better to celebrate with!

He also did costumes for the various Science fiction conventions and such. Dr. Jim was one and also Captain Kirk. He had a great time doing Shatner.

There was also the film club we belong to and their Halloween party. The only costume he did for that was Duffman. It was a hit. This is a picture of him in the costume at the local comic store that he visited.

Halloween on our street was never exciting. When we were in Boston we were so removed from the street we got no trick or treaters. I learned to work at the store in the mall to see the kids come around in their outfits. Jim and I would both dress up for Halloween at work.

Hold on Tight to Your Dreams

It is Sunday and this was the day that Jim and I would traditionally catch up on errands or visit friends or just do nothing. But it was a day that we did any of those things and we always did them together.

I woke up and put the dogs out and was wondering what to do today. Suddenly a song came to me. It is ELO - Hold on tight to your dreams. It was a Jim song. He would play this when we were driving up 83 on the way to home depot or walmart or a trip into PA to see foilage. He would play it a couple times and we would sing it together and hold hands and say "I love you". That was something I never doubted, was his love for me. He felt a connection to the song because he felt his dreams were always just out of reach, except for me. He said I was the one dream he caught. I would sing with him and hope with him, that he could, we could catch another dream.

Hold on tight to your dream
Hold on tight to your dream
When you see your ship go sailing
When you feel your heart is breaking
Hold tight to your dream.

Its a long time to be gone
Time just rolls on and on
When you need a shoulder to cry on
When you get so sick of trying
Just hold tight to your dream

Chorus:When you get so down that you cant get up
And you want so much but youre all out of luck
When you're so downhearted and misunderstood
Just over & over & over you could
Accroches-toi a ton reve
Accroches-toi a ton reve
Quand tu vois ton bateau partir
Quand tu sents -- ton coeur se briser
Accroches-toi a ton reve.

Repeat chorus:Hold on tight to your dream
Hold on tight to your dream
When you see the shadows falling
When you hear that cold wind calling
Hold on tight to your dream.

Oh, yeah
Hold on tight to your dream
Yeah, hold on tight...To your dream.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

There with you

Keep my memory with you,
For memories never die;
I will be there with you,

When you look across the sky.
I will be there in the clouds,
In the birds that fill the air;
In the beauty of a fragrant rose,
You will find my memory there.

You'll feel me in the tenderness,
Of a tiny baby's touch;
You will hear me if you listen,
In the twilight's gentle hush.

When your heart is heavy,
And you feel that you're alone;
Just reach down deep inside of you
For your heart is now my home.

I will always be with you,
I will never go away;
For I will live on in your heart,
Forever and a day.

~ author unknown

Sharing photos

I am sending Jim's sister some of the photos I have of him as a young man. Before I met him. Some I have shared here, some I haven't. He was a dapper fellow and her son Guy looks a lot like Jim did when he was young.

I wish I had known him then. He still had the same grin and twinkle in the eye and quirk to the eyebrow.

I find looking at these pictures I can both smile at what he had and cry at what is lost. Touching the photo and following the line of his face from forehead to chin and remembering what it felt like to touch him. A memory of his hair thru my fingers is just a wisp now. But it is a memory brought back by the photos.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Days are getting better? Are they?

I had someone ask me if the days were getting better. I told them that I got by.

That is about all I can do right now. Get by. Healing has begun, oh sure, but there are still things that happen each day that make me ache inside. I realized today at the grocery store that I had no desire to eat. Well, no desire to eat until I was really hungry and then I didn't care much for anything but waffles and the italian cold cut sub from the falls rd deli and maybe a dominos extra pepperoni pizza. I shrug when I think of most other food. Too much work, not worth the effort and not that tasy anymore. Standing in the grocery store realizing that, I started to tear up and think what a wasted soul I was. But even worse, I didn't much care. What did it matter without my soul mate to share. I know this emotional down passes because it has happened before.

I stressed about what I was going to do for Jim's birthday, how I would feel and then had a very nice day. The morning was filled with me getting a tattoo in his honor. A superman S symbol. Over my heart. There was almost no pain and they were able to mix some of his ashes with some of the pigment and that made it more special.

Coming home from that, I relaxed around the house and talked to the dogs telling them stories about Jim and how he helped rescue them and built a fence for them and didn't hesitate to help any dog in need and how much he loved having their attention. Dinner out with my dad and stepmom was very nice also. I think my dad realizes how much I am still hurting inside and he has been great at coming to my aid as needed.

It has been a hard time to get reorientated and used to not having someone you love around. To have had the goals and dreams smashed. To see things and hear his voice and see his smile. But know they are not there. On one level, the days are getting better. Functionality and progress is being made. On another level, it will take a lot longer.

For my man.

Found on Jim's birthday, in a box of papers, a card I gave to him in 1996 for his birthday. I opened it, read it and thought about how true it all was. He was this man.

To the Man in my Life

When I look into your eyes....
I see all the things that you are -
kindness, gentleness, compassion and love.
There's a twinkle that sometimes appears
when you are talking about
the beautiful things in this world
that are so important to you...

When I hear your voice...
I hear the sweetest sound
I have ever heard.
When you say "I love you"
it touches me in a way no other words
ever have or ever will touch me again...

When I see your face...
I see a man who has so much depth.
Your face reflects a bittersweet past
and holds so much hope for the future.
It's an honest and trusting face,
with a boyish quality
that is rare in a world that makes us
grow old before our time.

When you hold me...
you have a way like magic
of making me feel so peaceful, secure,
very content with my world
and everything that is around me.
Life is a wonderland in your arms -
a place I thought I would never find.

When you love me...
that is the greatest gift of all.
You give me an unselfish, undemanding,
uninhibited kind of love
that I thought only existed in my dreams.
You have filled an empty space inside me,
and now I feel I am complete.

Your love has given me life,
and now, with you, my life is full of love.


Saturday, October 20, 2007


Happy Birthday Jim!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

One of the moments

I had one of those moments today. I made a bus full of people laugh and cheer.

I was waiting for my bus to come home. It pulled up, a nice old man started to get off, found he couldn't and another younger guy helped him off.

As I got on the older man turned and said 'Thank you sweetie" and it was towards the female bus driver. I sat down and then the younger guy, who was flirting with the driver, said 'did you hear that? he called you sweetie", and 'whoa is he a regular to call you sweetie?".

Well, I could tell he was just joking with her so I spoke up and said "Actually sir, I think he was calling YOU sweetie"......

And the whole bus erupted in laughter, cheers and clapping. It was pretty funny. Just perfect timing and like a scene from a movie. Yep, one of those moments.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Dogs waiting for dinner

Keeping Busy

It's been a busy week and it is just Tuesday.

On Sunday I went to the Patuxent Sanctuary. A wildlife preserve nearby. I went with two friends and we had a great time. It was very relaxing to get out in the sun, the fresh air and see the geese and turtles and trees. Oh my.

I really liked the tour they gave, it was on a 'tram'. It moved about 4 mph and the guide was a hoot. Kept going on about how the geese would be great for Thanksgiving. I seem to feel he didn't like the geese. Maybe a bad childhood memory or something. We traveled along the trail and saw Beaver lodges and very dry lakes and the green/gold of fall coming on. That was worth it.

Monday was the beginning of the work week and I had to finish an annual summary of activities and make it look nice graphically. It is sort of like one of those christmas cards you get from a family that tells you everything they did all year. Monday night was a meeting for the neighborhood association. I am editor for the newsletter and we are a very positive influence - our goals are to green the neighborhood and to work on other projects to improve the area.

Today I am pretty busy at work again, but taking a moment here to reflect. The coming week will be crazy. I am going to the counseling group tonight, thursday is my tattoo date night, and friday going out with a fellow widow from the group to see a comedy show.

Then there is Saturday. Jim's birthday. He would have been 54. I got thru my birthday barely, without him, but for some reason his birthday is hitting harder. Maybe because he will never have another.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Reality vs dream vs ghost

Mercury's barking woke me up.

It was just before 6 am and he was barking these little low volume one barks. One bark, wait a bit, another one. I was just coming up out of a dream and rolled over. I heard him do this three times and decided it needed looking into.

I got up, peed and while pulling on my sweatpants I remembered the dream.

Jim was running towards me. I was leaning against our red truck and could see him down the street. Not a street I recognized, but there was a bank on the right of me. Or maybe a collaboration of several streets. Anyway I see him running towards me and I get excited. I can see the smile on his face, his jeans, he is in a tee shirt but I can't tell much more. As he gets close I step out to hug him. I am grabbing at nothing as he runs on past. I am surprised and look at him as he runs by, and notice his hair, it's longer than it ever has been before. I am upset and crying and get in the truck. I sit in the truck and then realize that he just got in next to me. Jim is sitting in the drivers seat.

He asks me "what is wrong?" and I tell him "I couldn't stop you. I just wanted to give you a hug."
He pulls me closer, up against his chest. "It's alright honey, it's alright".
"But Jim I wanted to touch you" and at that he strokes my hair, runs his hands up and down my arms and grips my hand. He pulls me so close to him and I can feel his body surrounding me. He is all around. I am leaning against him and he is whispering, I can hear his voice. "It's okay honey, it's alright". Jim is touching me, cuddling, just a feeling of yes, we are together, like we did in the early mornings.

The reality is that I woke up alone. The dog barks woke me up, but I am glad, otherwise this dream may have just been that. A dream forgotten as it passed thru the night. I wouldn't have been able to bring the dream to life. Not remember the truck, with Jim's arms encircling me, hearing his voice telling me it's alright, and not remembering the ghost that ran by me.

I am thinking as I write the dream out of the 'meaning' for it. The big one is, me letting go, yet knowing that Jim is with me and caring for me.

I am glad I could feel his arms again, and hear his voice. The ghost that ran by me was not the real Jim. Jim was in the truck waiting to hold me and care for me. That is a reality. And a dream.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Prayers and awareness

A catharsis.

I went to a dinner night at a local area church. A church that cares for homeless and needy and has a food bank and gives showers to the man on the street. I sat down to eat with people I had looked at and overlooked for years. The woman that talked as she walks. I mean, she walks, and walks, and walks. You see her walking all over the neighborhood, always moving. talking, cussing up a storm. She was quiet and seated tonight. I ate dinner with 8 people all in need. All in worse situations then myself. And all there with hope and sharing.

After dinner came prayers. There were sheets passed around with prayers written and all I could think of was Jim. Jim said prayers every night. I failed him in one way when we had his memorial service. He had written that he would like a small service at a church. We didn't find the will that told us this till a week afterwards. I wish I had known. We didn't belong to a particular faith but he had his faith. His faith in God was strong and he prayed each night for strength, for others in need and for family members.

Hearing Pastor Alice read the prayers broke me down. From the first words I thought of Jim and his faith and his love. I don't think I even heard the words but just thought of him. I could feel the tears rolling down my face as they prayed for the homeless man that had been murdered last week. He had been friends with several of the people here. He was that man with one leg that had the sign "homeless vet need food" and stood on the corner. Usually you drive by these guys and say 'unh hunh, I bet'. I learned that he was a homeless vet. Well, I also learned that some of these people knew Jim because he did stop. He did give them change. They knew Jim from the big red truck and the quarters he gave them.

I cried because there are others more in need then I am. Because these are people that are in my neighborhood and I have done nothing to help them. A bag of canned food, a crockpot full of meatballs or chili - ten dollars for me and a meal for 10 people in need.

Crying while others prayed. I found that I couldn't stay in the room. It was a room full of strangers. I had broken bread with them but didn't know any of them. I stepped outside and let it all out. And suddenly I was not alone. A lady named Joan came out and sat down next to me, rubbing my back and asking if I was okay. I told I missed Jim. She told me she missed her husband, gone 4 years now. We talked about the loneliness and the unfinished feeling. The 'wait, I'm not done with him yet'. I told her of Jim's prayers and she told me how though she prayed, she also yelled at God for the the load he gave her to carry. We both agreed, as tough as it is, we are not given a load that we can't handle and what it then becomes is a strength to continue.

I walked home thinking of how a little bit can go a long way.

And I wish. Well, I wish that 17 years didn't seem like such a little bit of time with Jim. To me, it is. A little bit and not enough. I am hungry for more, but now find that I must make what I had been given go a long way. Others have less.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Always a Never

The nevers hit last night. No more cards from Jim, just the ones I have.

I can't quite wrap my head around it. Don't want to.

Am I moving outward in my healing? No more hope of him walking in the door. No more phone calls hearing his voice. No more cards. I don't know if it is healing. I know that it is painful.

Am I a sad case because I can't quite get it? I find myself at odd times and odd places in house saying "what? you are not coming back? No way."

Jim and I had developed a relationship that took some time and some work and had its bumps and flaws, but for the most part was very very good for each of us. Is there hope of finding that again? Do I want to? Jim told me how he could not see me alone and wouldn't want me to be alone. He told me that he would want someone to love me. I just absolutely can't imagine anyone making me feel the oh god wonderful way that Jim did when he did something as easy as walk in a room.

From our first moments together, and I mean the very first, we clicked. It is not just my confidence level that I am not good enough for anyone, but there is that, there is also the feeling that there just wouldn't be that click. Jim and I had a sense of humor that was made for each other. Lots of others didn't get it. My favorite observation was from a very good friend. One night after listening to our 'bickering' which we both knew was in fun, he said "if I didn't know how much you loved each other, I would be worried.'

Jim and I laughed at that then and also later. I have to hang on to the cards for now and let the Jim that I know seep into me. Wearing his shirts and his wedding ring is another way to feel he is still touching me in some manner. This will change when I am ready for it but for now, it feels right.

The pain in my chest as I sit and write this hurts. The pain in my head that knows Jim will never again know how much I love him hurts more. I can only hope that he will always know that.

Monday, October 8, 2007


Found written in an anniversary card dated 11/4/03

Happy 14th Anniversary
You have my heart in your hands,
My soul is forever yours.
You are still so beautiful
after all this time. Inside and out
Love you always my wife

I Never Lost So Much

I never lost so much as when I lost you.
One day you were here and there were two.
Your name was called and you departed.
I thought our life together had only started.

Remembering when we were two hearts in love.
Our souls touched with guidance from above.
I remember your touch and gentle embrace,
And the shining smile always on your face.

You encouraged me to be all that I desired.
You cherished me and never grew tired.
You gave me your all in every way.
I think of you and miss you every single day.
We will be together again very soon.
We will be together again some wonderful day.

---------------- found on a grief website

New York State of Mind

Some folks like to get away
Take a holiday from the neighbourhood
Hop a flight to Miami BeachOr to Hollywood
But I'm taking a Greyhound
On the Hudson River Line
I'm in a New York state of mind
I've seen all the movie stars
In their fancy cars and their limousines
Been high in the Rockies under the evergreens
But I know what I'm needing
And I don't want to waste more time
I'm in a New York state of mind
It was so easy living day by day
Out of touch with the rhythm and blues
But now I need a little give and take
The New York Times, The Daily News
It comes down to reality
And it's fine with me 'cause I've let it slide
Don't care if it's Chinatown or on Riverside
I don't have any reasonsI've left them all behind
I'm in a New York state of mind
It was so easy living day by day
Out of touch with the rhythm and blues
But now I need a little give and take
The New York Times, The Daily News
It comes down to reality
And it's fine with me 'cause I've let it slide
Don't care if it's Chinatown or on Riverside
I don't have any reasons
I've left them all behind
I'm in a New York state of mind
I'm just taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River Line'
Cause I'm in a New York state of mind

Changes again


Talk of changing the house, finishing up some construction projects and making things better for me. It has me crying here in my mind. The vision that Jim and I had for the house will never be now. Sadness overwhelms me when I think of all the years we worked for a better life. We.

If I said I am almost adjusting to living in that house. The one I hate. Would anyone understand? It was a place where we were together. And happy. And working with each other. Laughing with each other. Making promises and working towards them. Together.

I am getting rid of things - not important things, but stuff in boxes that we haven't looked at in years. It feels good. I was sitting here thinking about how I could rearrange the living room and then started getting weepy at the thought of it. I want to but it hurts in my chest to think, why didn't we do that before? Why did we just keep pushing things off? And why do I feel like it more HOME than

Looking at my wall of half plaster, half exposed but not finished brick and half mint green panelling. Too many halves, but thats how it is. I look at it with the eyes of someone that may want to move and thus rent or sell - and I see the simple steps must be taken. Drywall and put the wall that Jim took down, back up. Easier than to keep on going. But I look at it with the eyes of someone that has lived there for 5 years and think the original plan should be finished.

Being told 'don't make any changes in the first year' doesn't mean that I don't need to. I am not being implusive and throwing caution to the wind, but I will grab an opportunity of my two brothers to come and help me if I can. There are things that Jim would be working on to get the house ready for winter and to make it easier for living. There are many things that won't be changed till I am ready. But all the changes hurt in some way because they tear little rips in the comfort zone and the scab that has been built up.

Healing hurts.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Pizza and Drills

Or maybe it should be Drills and Pizza.

I got a ride with a neighbor out to the Home Depot and picked up a cordless drill/screwdriver for my Dad for his birthday. He is 84 tomorrow and still plays tennis once a week and is working for the state. He actually retired from his federal job back in 1998 and got tired of being a homebody. He is an architect and his boss said once that Dad can't leave till he retires. (the boss). Of course his boss is only 40 something, so I don't think that will happen.

Anyway, I was plugging the cordless thing in to charge it up for Dad and pulled Jim's out. This is one that I got for him a few years ago for Fathers day. Actually, I got him a real fancy way more expensive one and he took it back and got a cheaper cordless and an electric one and a 100 ft of extension cord. Oh well. Whatever made him happy. So, I am looking over Jim's and trying the new screwdriver bits and drill bits that I got. I started having fun drilling holes in the wood in the laundry room where it wouldn't hurt anything. And the different sizes of the bits. I may get the handyman thing after all. Wheeeee.

Realized that I needed some food and ignored the stuff in the fridge that I had just bought today and ordered some pizza via online dominos. Simple and easy. Took a seat in the living room and watched some Dirty Jobs. That is a fun show. I took a long nap this afternoon and have a feeling I won't be going to sleep soon. I can catch up on Dr. Who and some other shows via the tivo.

And there is my saturday night all lined up for you.


I realized last night that I am not needing Jim to walk in the door. As much. I think I know that he is not going to be doing that. I don't need to see hin,,. but want desperately to hear his voice and to have him talk to me for a bit. To have him call me. And I would like to/love to see him, but the reality is hitting and I am starting to accept it.

In the acceptance comes the loss all over again. I have no desire to come home on friday afternoons because home is lonely, home is empty, home is where Jim was. However once I get home, I find that I cry and yell for a few minutes and get it out of my system. Then I am okay for most of the weekend. Sometimes.

I have talked of it before, but am thinking again of seeing a grief counselor. If I can find one that isn't too whacky. I feel the need to talk about what I am feeling. The blog is good, and it has helped. I don't know if more is needed or not. Only lady said she went to two sessions and was fine. One lady told me she is still going 2 years later.

What do you do when you still want him to call you? Or maybe to just be upstairs reading some comics and waiting for me to come up and snuggle with him.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Waiting for red to arrive

Silence weighs heavily on me
Lonliness is like a rock upon my chest
The light is dim, visions slim
waiting red to arrive.

I walk thru familiars
they are hard to the touch
straying from the center
waiting for red to arrive.

In a life of revolving people
constantly trading the emotions
changing with the season
waiting for red to arrive.

-----------Found in papers of Jim's, circa 1987

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Love Notes

We were always leaving each other 'love you' notes. Sometimes with an extra 'have a great day' or 'will be thinking of you' or other things. I always loved to put notes in his lunchbag and have him find them in the middle of the day when he may be stressed at work and he said it gave him a smile. This is the last note I got from Jim, he left it for me on the table to find when I went to work. He was going to work then staying at my brothers for a few days so the commute wouldn't be so tiring. I found it again later when going thru some papers. I miss his notes, but put this one in a frame and set it above the table where he would leave them.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Dream 4 month mark

So, I woke up this morning remembering the tail end of a dream I had. I am sorry I didn't have time to write it down then, but am going to try and remember it now.

Jim and I were carrying his box of ashes. Yep, see it starts odd.

Anyway, we were taking them somewhere and he was walking next to me and talking. I think we were in some sort of a park. We were walking around a sunken fountain/pool that was rectangular and heading for the rest room or sitting room.

I could see the green trees and Jim's body and face, I could hear his voice but not exactly what he was saying. We walked towards the doorway to the room and I realized I was moving thru water. I looked down and saw that the pool was overflowed and water was up to my ankles. Jim was a couple steps ahead of me by then and I realized that the pool was in sort of a basin and that we had come downhill to walk thru it and now going uphill. I had to get thru the water to get to the room. I was wearing some sort of tan leather ankle boots (which I don't own) and remember thinking the leather kept the water out and I am glad I don't have my danskos on, my feet would be wet.

Then we got into the room and put the ashes on the counter. We were taking some out for his siblings and daughter and using a teaspoon measurer. I was holding the bag and he was measuring. Then I realized in the bottom of the bag of ashes was a metal tube. I could feel the tube in the bag. I mean, I can still now remember the feel of it- the plastic, the way the ashes moved, the feel of the thing in the bag. All very real.

Jim said that it was a tube he had in his body and didn't get cremated. Maybe the tube they put in his heart. (i think that it was way to big for a 'stent', but hey, its a dream) We pulled it out and started to try and shake the ashes off of it and sort of laughing and then concerned and then I woke up. I am a little confused by this. But am glad I got to talk to Jim and see him again.

Anyone have any ideas?