Tuesday, July 29, 2008

14 months

Throughout the day yesterday it popped into my mind that tomorrow was tuesday and it was a 29th. I pretty much forgot last night and then it struck me again this morning as I drove past the fire station that houses the ambulances - one of which came out that night.

I have stopped counting days, hours, but can't stop the months. 14 months. I guess my forgetting about it till it was upon me may mean that the day doesn't matter so much. Well, it does, but it matters in a different way.

It matters not just once a month, but everyday and in many ways. Missing Jim's touch, voice, laughter and face with all his expressions. I won't go into missing his body. But I do. There are also even more subtle things that occur each day. Subtle things like not having someone to talk to at night, so you watch a movie or no one to bounce a 'what to do about..." and having to figure the solution out yourself. I don't find myself thinking it out like I just typed and I know I am a different person for having to do these things, but it still doesn't help the ache in the chest.

At 14 months I find it hurts to look at Jim's photos. I have them up on the walls and when I look I am captured by his eyes. His beautiful eyes. And all I can do is stand there and wonder why this happened to him. I stand there and say my thanks that he was brought into my life. I stand there and talk to him about what I will be doing for the next few years.

My brain has turned on the switch button for 'don't think about it'. I still do, but not as much because of either the veil of depression or the number of things on my to do list for that day. I look at the last picture ever taken of Jim and I and I think back to the words that were said at his service by his brother and I find both a comfort and an ache.


Laurie said...

Thinking about you today and want you to know I am praying for you Betsy. I am just so sorry for the things that you are missing, I can't imagine it. I do think that it is a good option to be able at this point to be able to turn the switch on and off so that when you do take the time to let your mind wander over all of past months, you can just let it come and take it in without being caught off guard. It still will hurt, no matter what, and I hope that getting through will become more gentle for you.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Lynnbug said...

As always thinking of you.