Saturday, May 26, 2012

A five year long Memorial weekend

This weekend has been played and replayed in my head for five years now.

Jim passed on Tuesday morning, after a long Memorial day weekend. I have been reliving the moments and speeding ahead and slowing them down for the last couple days. I decided to go away for a few days and get out of the house and the memories. Not to forget, but to remember.

The chain of days sort of both blend into each other and then moments stand out. Sitting in an ER room waiting for a doctor and not an intern or nurse to look at test results. Hearing about the surgery for the stents to go in his heart arteries. Sitting in the hospital cafeteria at 5 am and reading while Jim slept upstairs for the first time all night. His blood sugar level dropping to below 30 later that day and the nurses that were idiots. Coming home with him and getting a chance for both of us to relax. Monday was him not wanting to be trapped in the house and had to go out. Yep, to a movie, to the grocery store with me. We went to bed that night with him reading comics and me reading some Heinlein. Woke up to him in severe pain and holding his chest. It was just two hours later that he died.

When I see a death happening on tv - like on Grey's anatomy or ER or the like. I wonder. I have these things that pop into my head. The big one is why the HELL didn't I sit in the back of the ambulance with him. Why couldn't I do that at least. It was only a few minutes after we pulled into the hospital that he went into a full arrest. Why did we do those things on monday and I know it would have been better not to, but he had to, wanted to and had already gotten lectured from his sister about changing his life.

I want to recall the fun times with Jim not the terrifying moments in the ER. I was put in a small room and told to wait. At one point a janitor came in, emptying the trash and offered me a prayer for my husband. I want to remember him laughing as he watched the movies we both love, the moments that we both shared as one, the times we helped each other.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

I read this and it touched a spot. Having lost Jim, and our dogs, and his cat.

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said " it's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Time passes

4 years, 10 months, 15 days

I haven't counted that out in awhile.

Life has been moving on forward and yet there are still things that happen every single day that I want to share with him.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Leap forward!

Missed all of Feb. and most of March. Life has been busy. Today I am wearing memory. I have one of Jim's million t-shirts on. It says "Stealth" on the back and something Naval Academy on the front. Jim won this at a movie viewing of the movie Stealth. Something about AI's in stealth war planes and of course the AI's take control of the ship.

Anyway, he got it a few years ago at the opening of the movie. We are at this theatre and it is not a large group of people but there is a radio dj there to promote the movie. He had some giveaways - t-shirts and hats and posters. He was talking up the movie on the air and then the DJ said, the first person to the front gets a hat and shirt. OH MAN. Jim was out of his seat and leaping over chairs like he was Superman. He beat out the 9 yr old that was there. Almost neutered himself on one of the leaps over - no just going down the aisle for him! He got the shirt and hat and then gave the hat to the kid. The DJ gave Jim another shirt and hat just for his enthusiasm.

Today a dear old friend of mine is coming to help me look over some of Jim's comic collection. I want help to put it in some order and judge what it may have in the way of worth on the market. I have already started sorting and made some great finds. I knew Jim had a lot of Fantastic Four comics, but not the series back to #16. He has a couple boxes of just FF's. But not just that, there are lots that he collected that I didn't know about but could see his dedication in making sure he had a whole story arc in the series.

With 16 long boxes of comics it comes to about 2500 or more of comics to sort so it will be a long day, week, month. I know I am going to keep some, but most will be finding a new home. I am wearing this t-shirt in honor of Jim's leaping into things no matter what the consequenes.

Friday, January 6, 2012

A BK breakfast ache

Went to breakfast at Burger King today. Yep, a fast food english muffini with cheese, egg and sausage for $1, and a cup of coffee. Not the best thing to start the day with, but I indulge once a week for that price. I sit and eat and read and relax for 15 minutes before going onward to work.

I am reading "Fallen Angels" on my Kindle as I eat. I feel the tears swelling in my eyes and the ache in my heart as I read one particular passage.

The story is basically about the downfall of America/the world. It is set in post downfall times. The "greenies" have taken over and stopped technology and what they think is messing up the Earth. The Ice Age cometh because global warming doesn't hold it back. By stopping technology they have also stopped the thinking of new technology and science fiction is outlawed. Oh, fairies and magic and fantasy is still okay, but no real science in the stories is allowed.

Up in space is an American/Russian space station. Humans living in a confined environment and trying to survive. Two of them go out to cull some much needed nitrogen for air and their ship ends crashing on Earth.

Now, if you are a science fiction fan, you will love the book. The fen (as the fans are called) learn of the crash and go to rescue the spacemen/Angels before the "greenies" or the military can get to them. The book is about their travels and the other fans in the country that help them out along the way.

At one point in their travels they come to stop overnight in St. Louis. They are greeted at the Arch and taken into an enclave of fen that are also a medevil reenactment group. The reenactment group gets by because they are more 'fantasy' orientated.

The scene happens that evening when the Angels are telling their story. One of them talks about his trip up in space when he was 6 yr's old with his mom and dad. It was the last trip up.

The last flight. Doesn't that sound familiar. I think something connected in my brain then and started the ache.

He talks about when they were loading the ship, there was a riot starting. People wanting to stop it. People defending it. How could people want to stop these flights or this program. An older man said he was there and described the fight when they tried to break into Mission Control and how the ground crew gave lives to give time for the ship to get into space and to stop the precious controls from being destroyed.

I did cry a little at this. The space program was closed soon after and the space station was on its own.

Could this happen in America now? Maybe not. In the future? maybe not either, but to think that this story, a fiction could come true - it made me sad to think about it. A vision? A prophecy? just someone thinking the worst that could happen to our country and hoping for better.

Now, don't take this as the tone for the whole book. The story has a great feeling of hope and a show of comaradrie as the Angels travel thru the country getting help and support from groups along the way.

It was just a somber moment in the book and because of what has happened recently, an equally somber moment.

2012 starts!

I missed the whole month of December. Whooosh. It went on by.

There wasn't much to talk about anyway. I really dislike the holidays. They remind me of how out of touch my siblings and I are. I refuse to whine and moan about it anymore. I have tortured others with my tales of woe. I am going to move on to something like a new year and hopefully force myself into a different path of thinking.

I am swimming laps and enjoying it and saw that I have lost some weight. I am very happy about that. It makes the effort worthwhile. Not the effort of the swimming, but the effort to get there, change, and then after swimming the showering and changing to go back out and drive home. The good is outweighing the bad so it's okay.

I cleaned the laundry room/pantry out and found that I must be stocking up for the end of the world on Dec. 12th. Way too many cans of soup, spaghetti sauce, veggies and pineapple slices. No Spam. Must buy some Spam.

With the help of others I rearranged the bedroom and cleared some old furniture out. I also went thru the books. I got rid of a lot of ones that I had read and weren't worth keeping. By getting rid of, I mean, donated to a local bookstore where the books are free. You drop them off, you pick some up. Looking at organized shelves for the first time in years is nice. Nice enough to try and keep them that way. So, two rooms down, three to go.