Monday, January 28, 2008

8 months

I am sorry for the non post tonight. I came home from work at about 2 in the afternoon. This was after lunch and in a pretty important meeting. I got up from the meeting and puked for about 5 minutes in the bathroom. It was pretty bad.

My boss sent me home and I went to bed. Some time later I woke up and vomited some more. Then started the diahearra. All afternoon. I slept and got up for the bathroom run about every 45 minutes or so.

About 7 pm I got up and had some water, ginger ale and a couple crackers. Watched The Time Machine - the 1960 version that has Rod Taylor in it. Slept thru some of it and had Tigger and Merc on the couch with me.

Eight Months ago, Jim died.

I am crawling to bed and going to try not to cry. It is just a half hour from now the we took Jim to the hospital. And just 3 1/2 hours from now that he died.

I don't know if I will be posting tomorrow. I think it will be a quiet day.

Jim, I miss you. I love you. I will always wish I rode in the back of the ambulance with you. I will always remember the last day we spent together. In the sun, on the road, visiting stores and watching the movie at the Rotunda. That was a special day, I am only sorry it was our last one.

I think/remember/touch you in all kinds of ways, all thru the day. You are a special man and the 17 1/2 years you gave me were the best of my life. I love you Honey bunny.

today tomorrow

I am not sure how to feel today and wonder how I will be feeling tomorrow.

It will be 8 months since Jim died. On Tuesday May 29th at 3:35 am.

I haven't kept track of how many days or hours or minutes. I know some that do.

I haven't kept track of the breaking of my soul. The things I have done for myself now. The bittersweet smile I get from a photo of Jim. The wishing and hoping it is all a dream, that Jim will call soon. The days of getting through, doing okay and the days of sheer total pain. The depression. The rip in my heart that is a huge aching hole and the day by day healing as the pain starts to scab over and make life possible.

I guess I do know how I feel today. I feel reflective.

A last photo

This is probably the most up to date photo of the two of us that I can find. It was taken on our visit to see Jim's brother and wife in Georgia. I can't even remember now if it was end of march or april. I just can't remember if there were any photos that I took of him after this trip. Our camera stolen from work the weekend of his viewing so any pics that were on there are gone. I can look at this picture and smile because it was a weekend that Jim enjoyed being with his siblings. They had just lost their brother to cancer less than a month earlier.

Jim had grown a goatee and when he died I had them shave it for the viewing. It just wasn't something he normally wore, but I knew he grew it for the new USPS job. We had just had brunch and were looking forward to a day out and about Athena GA. They hawaiin style shirt is a definate Jim thing and you can see them in many pictures of him. The possessive arm around my shoulder makes me smile.

Sunday, January 27, 2008


After the emotional outpouring from last night, I woke up this morning with a head ache and sore eyes.

I decided right then that it was going to be a 'sloth day'. Slothing is just staying in PJ's and slippers as you move about the house. Not going out and not expending too much energy. I did the slothing proud today.

Watching tv, reading and ordering out for pizza. A long afternoon nap. These are the things that make for a good relaxing sunday. At least at this time in my life. There were also a few chores done and the dogs were walked. I was out in my fleece pants and slippers and hoodie. Looking pretty grungie for a forty year old woman. The dogs didn't seem to mind too much and I didn't really care about anyone else watching.

I have realized that though I have become a little more relaxed about what people are thinking about me, I still have self confidence issues that are bubbling up. They are things that Jim used to keep check on for me. Telling me things that I needed to hear to make me not worry as much. I wish I could explain the aura of confidence that he was able to give me. That isn't worded right, but it was not so much telling me I was good, but more a believing in me and knowing I could be good - he saw something in me that I can't always see. I truely believe that we did this for each other.

One of the things I am proud of so to speak, is something that Jim told me recently. Well, recently before his death. God. I don't why I think it was recent, but it was...just last march or april. Anyway, he told me that my support of him thru the years helped him to grow stronger in his career and reach goals he hadn't thought to go for. He said there were times when he failed at what he was doing and yet, he found me waiting for him with a hug and a smile and an 'okay'. I told him that it was just what we did for each other. When he needed me, I was there. When I needed him, he was there.

Replay pain

I had a very painful moment tonight. Well, actually a couple of them.

The cinema club that Jim and I belonged to had their 9th anniversary. At the 5th anniversary they made a tape of members talking about the club. There was a segment of Jim and I. The club president told me about it and I was sort of prepared, or at least I thought I was.

I loved seeing Jim's face alive again. So different then just staring at a photo and trying to remember it. The arched eyebrows, the crinkle of the brow, the smile that just starts. I talked a lot in the segment and in watching it all I could think of was 'shut up betsy, let Jim talk.' I could feel the tear rolling down my face but couldn't leave till he was off the screen. Then I went outside and cried awhile.

Then I came home and went hunting for our copy of that tape. I wanted to see his face again. Instead I found the tape of our wedding.

Oh my god. I played it. I can't believe I did and the pain was incredible. To sit and hear the wedding vows from him and to see his face as he said them. To see the first kiss. Oh I am so stupid. But like before, I couldn't pull my eyes off the screen once I started watching it.

The hardest part of all was our first dance. It was to Annie's Song - which is why this blog is called what it is. I cried and cried thru the whole dance, but had to watch it. Crying as I watched and knowing that no matter what I wouldn't stop. I couldn't stop.

In fact I watched the whole video and I even laughed a couple times thru the tears. It showed us eating cake and not smearing it on each other, like others kept telling us to do. There was the toasts and Jim toasting our Moms for their help in the wedding and the songs my stepmom sang for us. Most of the tape was little kids dancing and god it was all out of focus and noisy and bad. I wish there was a way to get rid of all the noise of people talking and just hear the music. The video itself moved so much it was like the blair witch camera. But I didn't care, just to see it all again was so bittersweet. Oh god, it was a beautiful evening.

And it had Jim on it. Alive.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

5 senses

Since I don't have your scent or taste or sound
All that's left for me
is touch and sight of you to see.

I don't have a sense of smell so I can't get Jim's scent from the shirts like many can. I don't have his voice on tons of tapes to listen to. I eat the food that I like and don't taste his preferences anymore, so it's like I don't taste him. All I have left of my five senses of him is touch and sight.

I fill the sight with photos of him. The smile, the eyes, the mole on his forehead and the things I know so well. Touch is filled by feeling his shirts and then closing my eyes and seeing him in them. Remembering when I touched him while he wore this one. Rubbed his chest, straightened a tie or grabbed the shirt on both sides and pulled him to me for a hug. Touch is also running a finger over a photo and imagining the feel of his skin. Maybe creepier than wearing his shirts, but it still fulfills the need for a connection.

The sixth sense. I can't say I have that, but I can imagine it. The feeling that sometimes he is close by and I can close my eyes and feel him in the room.

I write this ten minutes after I crawled into bed. I was singing 'hang on tight to your dreams' in my head and I closed my eyes and touched his shirt which is a pillow case for me. And I realized I could only touch a remenent and only see an echo.

Friday, January 25, 2008


I posted that picture a few days ago of Jim and my hands together, on our wedding day.

Two hands, two rings, one heart.

Now, about the rings. I actually have three wedding rings. I have the original one he gave me on our wedding day, a second one from a few years ago and this one that I just got a year ago. My body got, well, heavier and I needed a larger size. Each one is special because of the symbolism they show.

Jim had two rings. His first one was lost in trash dumpster about 3 years into our marriage. He was in the beginning stages of diabetes and had lost a lot of weight. When tossing the trash bag in the dumpster at the apartment building, the ring flew off. His face when he came in and told me was a face of twisted 'oh god' pain. He was upset. He told me how he tossed the bag and could feel it fly off his finger. We both searched for an hour and had no luck. We went the next day to get a new one for him.

I am wearing both our rings together now. I didn't know what to do with Jim's ring when he died. I couldn't let it sit in a box. It meant too much. I wore it on my right hand for awhile, but then one day put it on my ring finger next to my ring. Combined it looks a big but it is nice to feel it. To be aware that Jim is with me.

Speaking to other widows about what they have done with their rings and when they finally stop wearing them has been interesting. My grandmother wore her wedding ring for over 40 years. My grandad died at 43 and she died at 92. One woman has her husbands on a chain. Maybe how I am wearing it is a little strange, but it is my way. I don't know why, but it feels better on my finger, where it can be touching me.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Bank

Another piece of Jim is gone from my life.

I went today to take his name off of our checking account and to close his savings account. I talked to several other widows and they said wait six months for bills and such to get settled and then do it. I waited almost 8 months and into a new year.

Things went fine till the bank lady asked me if I wanted the money from his savings put into my account. I mumbled something about I didn't care where it went. I looked at her and could feel the telescoping motion happening. That vision that you see in movies when everything around you is quiet and blurry - focusing on his name on the computer screen, blinking, blinking and then gone. My gut wrenched and I buried my head in my black scarf. This has to be a dream. It has to be.

The lady was very nice and gave me a minute of private time and a box of tissues. I was okay after a second and we went on from there. However, coming home and looking at the accounts, it is harsh to not see his savings account there. But it is one more step I have to take. One more bite of the elephant.

I'm sorry Jim. I love you. I don't want to have to do these things.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008



I am admitting a true hatred for the USPS. I spit and sneer and give the USPS trucks the finger every time I see one. Cuss at the local USPS. I have done this since the day Jim passed away. But especially felt it today.

I went to my usual place for lunch and the waitress there that knows me, well, she asked me how my husband was doing and how the job was working out for him.

Oh my. I haven't had to tell someone that Jim had died in awhile. The last time was in September. I think I was also surprised because I eat there all the time. This lady knows what I like to order and always starts me off with my drink of choice (ice tea). She is a very friendly lady and knows her regulars. It was just 'making conversation' question. I thought she knew. I motioned her over and told her. She sat down across from me, took my hand in hers and started to cry. So I started to cry. I told her it was a heart attack.

Her first words to me were "Was it that job? that postal job? I know you said it was stressful." I was crying because she was in pain for me. She had never met Jim, but knew him thru my stories about him. "That's why you have been so quiet this fall".

Was it the job? I am not sure. Was it his lifestyle...the one I couldn't change - like eating habits and such - maybe. I do know the job was both a blessing and a curse for him. A blessing because it was to be a career change and a job with a future and one that would give us a chance to reach a dream. A curse because of the energy it took from him and the long hours. I look back on the christmas photo card we sent out in 2006 and now see how tired he looks. I am mad and sad because I know he was working that job to make things better for us.

I blame the USPS for the long hours and the grueling, energy robbing workplace. I think back and remember the nights when he would be outside inspecting trucks and would call me to talk to him as he did this. He would ask how I was and I would tell him I loved him and some happy funny thing to get him to laugh. He would say thanks, I needed that and I love you too. It was good just to hear his voice change from angry frustrated guy to calmer loving husband. His ranting about work is not an uncommon thing, at any of the jobs he's had. I was his sounding board. Just as he was mine. We were support for each other.

I got him a Sirius radio for the truck so the 45min to 1 1/2 hour drive to work each way would not seem so bad. There was the night last February when it was snowing and he couldn't come home because the last mail carrier was still out in the snow. So at 10pm at night Jim went out to help the guy finish the route. The mail must go thru.

I curse the USPS for no other reason than because Jim would come home to me tired and beaten and worn out and his day should not end that way. The energy was sapped out of him. I curse USPS, mostly just because I want to be mad at someone so I am mad at them. He worked hard to succeed in that job and wanted to have it be the last job he would have. It was.

Telling Charlene about Jim's death was a sad moment today.

Monday, January 21, 2008



Photos strewn all over the kitchen table tonight. I finally pulled out the box of pics and started sorting them out again. Finding some I had not seen before and pulling the picture frames I have been buying for months in and putting pics in frames. (yea me!!)

So, guess what. I am posting pics.
My nieces and Jim and I at a local tourist trap. My nieces are now in college, but I love this shot of them looking over our shoulder and giving me bunny ears. The bunny ears is especially funny because it is a move that Jim would always do to someone else when getting a pic taken. Though I don't think he ever did it to me. Funny thing is, I remember the shirt he is wearing.
The large symbol Jim is standing in front in this pic was taken at Universal studios theme park and is the Fantastic Four logo. This was one of his favorite comic books. He really embraced life and enjoyed himself. . He also created a Superman costume and a Batman costume and of course Duffman.
See us on a motorcycle. Looks like fun eh?
Well, this photo was one found in our basement a couple of months ago as I was sorting things. There was a pile of them all stuck together. I got them seperated and when I saw this I was completely at a lost.
I have no idea when it was taken or what was going on. We never owned a motorcycle. I don't remember riding on one with him. Except for this one, I haven't found a picture that I didn't know when and where it was taken. None of the pictures it was stuck to helped any. Hmmm. A mystery memory.
Well, more pictures in a few days.

17 years


Soups On!

I am learning.

I am learning that not all memories need to be happy or sad. They can just be.

It is a gorgeous sunny clear day here and it is about 25 degrees outside. I got up this morning and pulled the ham bone out of the freezer and the beans out of the pantry and started some ham bone bean soup.

My recipe for this comes from Jim's Mom. I never really had it before I met her. I watched her make it a few times and did it myself for Jim and I a few times. He says I did her justice with my cooking. This delicious because of the mixture of beans and ham and perfect with some warm cornbread on a cold winter day. Letting it simmer all afternoon will fill the house with a great smell and will drive the dogs crazy. A little onion, a little seasoning and the beans and ham do all the work.

That means I get to walk the dogs, laze around the house and still have dinner ready at 7pm when some friends are coming over with their cornbread. I can handle that.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Out for Dinner

I went out to dinner tonight with my next door neighbors. They have been friends since they moved in 4 years ago. Alan and Jefferey and Jim and I just all got along really well. Jim was their 'handyman' when they had stuff around the house that needed doing.
We went out to celebrate Jefferey's birthday. It was a nice low key restaurant and we were talking about various things. I am glad to be out with them becuase they don't seem to be bothered when I bring Jim's name into the conversation. I do this because he and I were together for so many years that it is hard to say 'I did that', it is more like 'I remember when Jim and I did that'.

As we talked about the rodents in the neighborhood (4 legged ones) I was remembering something Jim did to our ceiling to push the poison up into the crawl space. It was a solution that only Jim would think of doing. And it worked. The whole memory flooded my brain and it was that day again as he talked the procedure out to me.
As Jefferey and Alan laughed about something I looked over at the fourth spot at the table- it was the spot Jim should be sitting in. I so wanted the empty chair to be filled.
It hurt.

Friday, January 18, 2008

To write

I am not sure what to write anymore. I want to write about the pain that still hits me. I want to write about the laughter Jim and I shared. I want to write about the lonliness inside. I want to write about the love two can have. I want to write about the vision in my head of Jim, in the hospital with a tube in his mouth and a grey pallor to his skin. I want to write about the excitement as he rubbed an ice cube on my body, in this same room in which I now write. I want to write about how I so much want him to be asleep in the other room, so I can wake him up with kisses and have him say 'good night angel sweet dreams' to me. I want to write about how much it hurts to know that won't happen.

I must write about good times and the way Jim touched my life.

I find myself writing about the sadness that I move thru as it envelops me.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Disney vs Marvel

Jim and Disney just didn't really mix.
We went down to Florida a few years ago to do Disney and ended up at the Universal studios theme park. Much more fun for us. Who would have thought, I mean everyone talks about Disney. Well, some of that trip to Florida I posted awhile ago under "beaches".

Our visit to Disney was with our friends and their son and it was a great week and even a great day, but just one day at Disney was all I needed there. We met Jim's brother Benny later that week and did the Universal park and again, it was one day and it satisfied us.

Universal had this ride that shoots you swirls you up and then drops you. I am not a good person for heights so I bowed out of that one, but Jim and Ben had a blast. Universal has the Marvel comics licensing so Jim was just enjoying himself. Talking to his favorite comic characters come to life rather than Mickey Mouse come to life was much more fun for him. I mean he got to shake hands with the Flash. I got to meet Doctor Doom.

The Back to the Future ride was still going and that was cool - the lobby much more so then the ride just because of the details on the walls. The Blues Brothers performance was...well...okay, but I have heard better from the Jake and Elwood that I know. (hi jake! hi elwood!). I remember just walking around the park with Jim and smiling, laughing and having a good time. Relaxed is what you call it. No pressure to get anywhere, do anything other than what we wanted and enjoy each other. That was what our vacations in Florida were all about. Relaxing. I must try and dig up the photo of Jim, Benny, myself and my niece on the log drop ride. You know the one that takes you thru a lot of water and then plunges you over the edge and you plummet and scream and laugh and get a little wet. The photo is a classic shot of four different reactions to this ride. Jim is laughing with his hands up, Benny is laughing and you see his hat flying off in mid air, I am hiding my face and holding my hat and my niece has these big eyes.

One day we went to cocoa beach, one had a morning at the local flea markets and an afternoon by the pool. We both got sunburned with my racerback suit making a bit X on my back. We went thru a time share sales pitch just to get some breakfast. We had alligator one night for dinner.
At some point in the week half the doorknob fell out of the door of our room - somehow locking me inside. The picture here of our friends son, Buster age 3 or 4, sitting on a chair outside my room playing the harmonica and singing the 'blues' for me. It looked like a scene from Alcatraz. We were sharing their timeshare apt in Orlando with them and it was a nice point of departure for other places we went. It was after the visit to Orlando that we went to see his brother a bit north and they went out and got Jim his Superman S tattoo. I also may be mixing the events of the two years together, but Florida is a blur sometimes.

Being Dalmatian owners we did do some searching out of 101 Dalmatian things on the Disney lot. I got some Dalmatian ears instead of Mouseketeer hat. But the most fun was the hotel area that was designed with 101 in mind. Paws and bones outlined along the railings of the stairs, characters from the movie sprinkled throughout, and best of all a large model of the Dals. Below is a photo taken in the 'play area'. The tv was set up so you could act things out and entertain both your children and the dog. Or maybe so the kids could act things out for the dog. Well, Jim being Jim, he sure had fun! During this shot he is using some weird Pee Wee Herman voice trying to do Cruella DeVille lines. He was a strange guy sometimes. But we laughed and that was what was really important.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Laundry crisis

Major laundry meltdown. I didn't know folding towels could do that. It was probably more the fact that it was friday and weekends suck. I was folding towels started crying and wondering why it happened and what was I to do and who would ever love me like he did and I miss him and miss knowing he was just a phone call away. Beating a pillow is safe, but not very satisfying.

Got up took some tylenol and started folding shirts. Then I hit the Stealth tee shirt. It was one of Jim's and while holding it I was reminded of the memory I didn't want to forget. It didn't make me cry, but it did make me smile.

Jim and I got free tickets to go see the movie Stealth. It starred a couple medium cute actors and involved a lot of intense flight scenes and a robotic plane that becomes self aware. And evil.

We go to the premiere in a theatre that is not very full but has a bunch of families with kids. There are two guys from the local radio station that had been giving tickets away for the last week. They are there to pass out Stealth stuff. Promo stuff that we have lots of at home and seem addicted to. Jim of course wants one of each. The DJ's ask a trivia question and then whoever knows the answer and gets to them up in the front first can get the prize. The first couple were easy and Jim got a poster one time, let the kids get a couple and thenthey held up the shirt. Both Jim and I are tee shirt-aholics so the gleam was in his eye.

The DJ's seemed to be in a dj sort of mode and I don't know if we were on the air or what, but they were funny. The question for the shirt prize was a harder one then those in the past. I can't remember what the question was, but movie geek that he is...was...he knew the answer.

Apparently so did a couple kids that were maybe 8 or so. We think their dad told them. Have you seen the stadium seating theatres where they have the nice seats and the stairs and a railing in front? Have you ever seen a 40 yr old man leaping chairs and a railing just to beat out an 8 year old for a tee shirt? Jim did it. He got there first, answered the question and to much the laughter of the DJ's, got the shirt. Done and done. Or so I thought.

He came back to the seat happy. A poster, a tee shirt and all is right with the world. A couple questions and some more tee shirts go to the kids. Jim is calm. Then the DJ's bring out the hats. Jim perks up. Yes, perks up. The question was a James Bond movie question and he knew the answer. He actually waited to see if the kids would know it. Then he made his move. He stood up and waved his arms. He said to the DJ, "Man, I am too old to leap chairs again, but I know the name of the golden girl". They came up the stairs to him, handed him the mike and he gave them the answer. They played it up a bit, going for laughs and they gave him the hat. Looked at me, who was smiling, said "ma'am you are brave" and gave me a shirt.

Jim wore those two shirts many times in the last couple years. He loved that they said Annapolis Navy and the insignia, because he was a Navy man. They were a deep dark blue and had Stealth on the back. He looked good in those shirts.

You know, I feel better after writing all that. The image of Jim leaping the railing will be something that will always make me smile.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Just a tired week.

Not sure why, but I have been really tired this week. I crash at night on the couch, watching TV and just feeling blue. Feeling tired. Not really a 'not motivated' feeling, just an all over body tired kind of thing. I think I may be fighting the cold that everyone else seems to have.

Well I tried tonight to do something. I pulled the papers, cards, letters, forms that have been cluttering the kitchen table and went thru them. Sorting and tossing and keeping. I found an old medical bill for Jim. Dated May 25, 2007 and I thought that at that point he only had 4 days left alive. That hit me. I kept going thru stuff and found a card for Mothers day that Jim had sent me and below it, one that I had sent him for Fathers day. On both of them we had signed the pet's names. I know this will all get sorted out little by little.

I watched a part of movie and there was a scene where an older man and older woman were in a backyard. He is drinking ice tea and sitting at the table. She is hanging laundry on the line. At one point she is near him, he reaches up, touches her, looks at her and they kiss. Then she smiles and goes back to the laundry. It hurt. I changed the channel.

I always wanted that. To be able to say we have been married for 47 years or such.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008


So there is Tigger. Our three legged Dalmatian. Waiting patiently for me to give her a treat. I caught that moment with the tongue out just by accident, but I think it is a perfect Tigger classic.Today was a pretty good day and one that Jim would have loved. For January it was awesome. 65 degrees and beautiful sunset with sky blue pink clouds.

I was thinking of Jim and the things we have experienced together. I was trying to put them in some order in my head. This was as I was walking to and from lunch. Then about 4 hours later, as I was leaving work there was a memory flash and that reminded me of Jim and it was a memory I had completely forgotten till that moment.

I find myself often realizing this. Memory is an interesting thing. My friend came over to help me make some curtains for the kitchen. Those corn ones from the Simpsons, remember? Well he is a sewing person, not me, so he is asking me for this and that and I kept telling him 'duct tape, I would use duct tape'. Then suddenly I remembered Jim's sewing kit and where I last saw it. It had not been moved in at least 7 months. I ran upstairs and got it. There on the lid was some tape that said "sewing kit". It was in Jim's handwriting. I had to sit down for a minute before taking it downstairs.

The curtains are finished. Way nicer than what I would have done.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

A new week

The day has moved quickly.

After Sam's club I took a long nap - nestled in Jim's clothing under a warm blanket in a dark room....I was in a cocoon that felt wonderful. I will remember that absolute feeling of comfort for a few moments of time. Nothing to do, the dogs were all settled, no concerns except just feeling no stress. It helped a lot.

I got up and my neighbor brought me some sheperd pie that he had made. His partner works some late hours so we share dinners sometimes. Then it was do some dishes, get the trash ready for the morning and relax again. I am glad that sunday is over.

These two pictures are from my trip. The one on the left is me in front of the Superman changing in the phonebooth that they had in front of the hotel. I thought it interesting since Jim is such a Superman fan to find that on my trip.

The one on the right is me on sunday morning with the worst case of bedhead that I have ever had. I think it is from the mousse that they lady put in my hair when I got it cut. I never use the stuff. Anyway, it was worth a laugh. And I am not so vain as to worry about posting a pic like this.

I don't want to

I spent the morning watching some LOST episodes, some Firefly and cleaning the kitchen. I also tossed a dvd across the kitchen and felt need. A need for Jim. It was a strong need. In fact without even thinking, I went to the basement pulled the tote box of his clothing out and cried into his favorite flannel shirt.

I am wearing it now. Over top a favorite tee shirt. In fact, I have his watch, underwear and socks on too. I am wearing my jeans and sneakers, but that's the only stuff that is mine. I don't understand the feelings but they are here, inside of me. Feeling his shirt and thinking of him in it and wanting to wake up from the dream, wanting to call him, to know that if he is not here at least he is at work or someplace...other than not here.

The crying is a release and the wearing of the clothes a comfort. I am on my way to sam's club to get dog food and water so an outside activity will help. I hate sundays. They were our day.

Saturday, January 5, 2008


How can an animated comedy - the Simpson's - hurt so much?

Finally after a month of owning it and 5 or so months of it being out in the theatres, I have watched The Simpson's Movie. Oh, it was funny and I laughed and at certain parts really wished that Jim was here to laugh also. But in the end, as Homer and Marge ride off into the sunset....I am crying.

They ride off and kiss. Marge says "Mmmm, best kiss of my life." Homer says "Best kiss of your life, so far. " They were happy as they rode away.

And all I could think of was the first time I kissed Jim. On our first date. When I knew from that first kiss, he was the one.

And then the last time-in the hospital after he died as I said good bye.

The Simpsons tv show came out the first year we were married. We both have quirky senses of humor and loved the show from the start. Jim taped it on vhs for years. Every week, every season. I still have years and years of the vhs tapes in a box in the basement. Long before it was on every night three times a night, we would watch it from the vhs tape. There was something about that family that touched us. I think part of it was that Homer and Marge loved each other so much. In a way that I could liken to how Jim and I loved each other. Unconditionally but with the bumps that come with real life.

This question of why do I love this other person when things go wrong or they hurt me or there are others that I could be with....well the answer is I love them because they are the one for me. That simple. Homer and Marge have the same sort of trials that we regular married couples have. And they survive it because they love each other. Because they know that the other part of their soul is found in that person. As Jim and I found each other.

So I cry and feel the big hole opening in my chest as I see two animated characters riding off together. As I think about how much Jim wanted to see this silly movie. As I think of how much I wanted to see him see this movie, to sit with him, to hold his hand, to share popcorn together.

Jim did the Duffman costume for halloween in 2006. He worked on it for weeks and tried to get everything just right. He looked dashing in the costume and it was a hit. The amusing part was listening to him practice the voice as he strode around the house in Duffman mode.

Like Homer, Jim was a husband with some faults. Like Homer, he tried to do what was right for the family and tried to make it all work out in the end. Like Homer, he was also a husband with unconditional love for his wife. I am glad to be Marge to his Homer. I wish for one more kiss.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Got it out

I hate ending the day sad. So, as per requested. Requested by me that is...some more Jim pics.

Piano Man

When you look into my eyes
And you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
It always comes as a surprise
When I feel my withered roots begin to grow
Well I never had a place that I could call my very own
That's all right, my love, 'cause you're my home

When you touch my weary head
And you tell me everything will be all right
You say, "Use my body for your bed
And my love will keep you warm throughout the night"
Well I'll never be a stranger and I'll never be alone
Whenever we're together, that's my home

Home can be the Pennsylvania Turnpike
Indiana's early morning dew
High up in the hills of California
Home is just another word for you

Well I never had a place that I could call my very own
That's all right, my love, 'cause you're my home

If I travel all my life
And I never get to stop and settle down
Long as I have you by my side
There's a roof above and good walls all around
You're my castle, you're my cabin and my instant pleasure dome
I need you in my house 'cause you're my home.

You're my home.

You're my home.

Billy Joel went straight to my heart with this song. I would hear this song and immediately know this was about Jim and I. I would cry when I heard it or sang it, it just was so perfect. He was. He is my home. As long as I had him by my side.

I thought Jan 2nd would bring some change, but it has gotten worse. I am not feeling much like writing, or thinking or feeling this week. I can't even remember if I already posted the lyrics to this song. For some reason I think I may have. Oh well. It played today on the radio and I couldn't get it out of my head. I really don't want to be without him at my side. Really really don't.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

A new year. A year over.

Memories hit me at 11:59 on Dec 31st. It was the end of a year. The end of the last year I could say that Jim lived. The end of the year that I could have lived without.

I went away over the weekend and tried to get away from the overwhelming memories that would be found in our home. Most of the new years eves Jim and I just stayed home and relaxed. Watching a movie and flipping thru channels at midnight. It was our time. A chance for us to talk about the year that had past and the year to come. Last year we went out with some friends and had a great time. From a wonderful dinner to trying to stuff 5 people in a taxi that would only hold 4 to watching the fireworks from a room with a view.

I wanted to be far away from these thoughts.

I went to a friends house, They were having a party and a lot of other friends would be there also. I was having a good time. Right up until the end. I heard the count down start and I lost it. All I could think of was Jim. I could feel my insides melting and burning and exploding. I am glad for one thing. That there was a bathroom close by. I locked myself in and cried. Cried for the man I wanted to be kissing at that moment. Cried because we weren't able to have our arms around each other. I cried because he will never see another new year. I sat on the floor in a dark bathroom and wanted to have him at my side.

I could hear the party and finally washed my face and went out. Almost immediately two of my friends came over and we went outside to sit on the deck. They helped me get my head together. Handing me tissues and talking.

I don't remember the first new years eve that we spent together, but I do remember several others. If we weren't at friends, we were home on the couch. Never did the downtown in the cold bit. We were happy on a couch. A memorable year was the one in 1999, when the world was going to end. Remember Y2K? We went to visit our friends in NH and knew that if bad things were to happen we would be far away from civilization. I actually packed a tote full of survival stuff, you know-tp, flashlights, food and such. Just in case you know. And Jim allowed it. He and I packed the truck, tossed the dogs in and went north. The new years after that we were in NH again and it was decided to watch 2001 at midnight. You know, it was 2001, we science fiction geeks had been waiting years for that.

We had 17 new years together. As I remember those years, I can only remember the absolute joy in havingJim to wrap my arms around and to welcome in the new year with. There is much more to say than that.