Grey's Anatomy

My mom watched Dr. Kildare and Medical Center. She started me on General Hospital, but E.R. was my medical show of choice.

My niece shared her love of Grey's Anatomy with me. I have watched a few episodes and was skimming thru TV.com and this caught my eye.

Surviving a Crisis - from Grey's Anatomy -

This quote came from Grey's Anatomy Season 5's Episode 19. It made me stop and think and it is about surviving a crisis.

The quote is part of what Derek tells Meredith when giving her reasons why he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

If there is a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward.
You get the rest of us to move forward, because you've seen worse.
You've survived worse and you know--we'll survive too.

This quote really hit home for me as it would for anyone who has survived a major loss. It is a beautiful testament to survivors. "You get the rest of us to move forward, because you've seen worse."

I can't help but think how many times in the past this would have inspired me to keep moving forward.

It happened in 2003. And again in 2009. And now once more in 2010.

Snow. Lots and lots of snow! We got hit with 28". Starting on Friday around noon and snowing non stop thru till sometime late Saturday afternoon. It felt like a week in just 24 hours. The change in our neighborhood was amazing. There was not just the snow that had fallen but also strong winds causing incredible drifts and Saturday morning around 3 am we heard thunder snowstorm. An anomaly that only occurs in very serious storms. I would have slept through it but Tigger gratiously woke me up by barking at each roll of thunder.

The city was pretty much shut down on Saturday. Planes, trains and buses were not moving, city plows were just barely out and they issued warnings to stay inside. I didn't go out but did watch it's progression on TV and shared photos and news with friends on the internet. Sometime late Saturday I looked out to see the what the snow accumulation was and saw instead blue sky.

Tigger loves the snow and wants to be out in it as much as possible. She will face the cold paws for the fun of dancing in the snow!

Friday night around 9 pm - it looks so peaceful. Just a few inches.

Saturday morning.

My backyard.

Our street had no city plow come thu and we were the only hope of getting cars out for Monday or Tuesday. The neighbors got together on Sunday and we all worked on digging out. We got a good portion of the street done but not all the cars were able to get out. We tried to be systematic and ask who absolutely needed to go out and who could stay for a day or so. The neigbhors were all cheerful, helpful and worked together. It was a nice afternoon even with all the digging!

Another widow speaks

I read this and needed to post.

"I can still feel his hand in mine"
Marc Royce

For the first time since her husband Patrick Swayze lost his battle with cancer, Lisa Niemi talks about their poignant last two years together and the amazing lifetime of love they shared.

I always knew Patrick was a tough guy, but I don't think I ever really saw the depth of his strength until he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He should have been dead after five weeks, but he fought for 22 months. He was still shooting his new TV series, The Beast, working 12- to 15-hour days 11 months into his illness. He was going through chemotherapy but refused to take any pain medication that would interfere with his performance. He was one tough critter, and the way he handled the illness and the discomfort from it was unbelievable and amazed even me.

I was a socially awkward 15-year-old when I first met Patrick at his mother's dance studio in Houston. I was a bit of a hippie, part of this outsider crowd. Patrick was the opposite, the quintessential all-American jock. He was the golden boy ? an acclaimed football player, gymnast, and dancer ? but I wasn't too impressed with that stuff. He always seemed like a show-off to me, a little too full of himself.

But the first time we danced together, it was like magic. And actually it was at that moment, when we looked into each other's eyes, that I knew he was special. I used to think I would get married in my 30s. But I was fresh out of high school when Patrick proposed to me ? I couldn't believe it. And he wouldn't take no for an answer. You have to know Patrick, but he is relentless with everything he does and goes after. And truthfully, there was a part of me that felt, Okay, I'll do this now, but if it doesn't work, I can get divorced later. But little did I know that even then, he knew me better than I knew myself, and it was only a short time later that I remember thanking him for making me marry him.

"We never gave up"

I have this wonderful memory from last year of being with Patrick in the apartment we were renting that overlooked the lake in Chicago, where The Beast was being shot. Patrick had just finished another round of chemo and a 15-hour workday. There was this beautiful music playing, and Patrick took me in his arms and we just started dancing. It was a simple, delicious moment of being in each other's arms and feeling how wonderful it was to be alive. It was one of the best dances I've ever had in my life with Patrick.

When The Beast finished shooting and we came back to Los Angeles, our primary focus became his treatments. I had schedules and doctor visits and chemo treatments and pills to administer several times a day. He occasionally had those "why me?" moments, but he never complained or felt sorry for himself. He was a very spiritual person and into Eastern philosophy, but it wasn't any of this, "I'm going to heaven to sing on a cloud." He's extremely willful and always has done that mind-over-matter thing. It's one of the reasons I believe he survived advanced cancer for as long as he did.

I never wanted to cry around him, but he caught me a few times. He knew how I was feeling. We didn't talk that much about dying or how I was feeling, because to acknowledge that was to acknowledge the end. I'm sure there was a part of Patrick that worried he was letting me down by leaving and that he wasn't going to be around to protect me. Patrick was fighting for his life and working so hard at it, and I just wanted the love I could give him to be perfect. I can look back at our whole relationship and wish I'd been perfect ? but I'm not. That doesn't stop me from wishing. But the beauty of our marriage was that it wasn't about being perfect; it was about the imperfections.

People have always asked me, "What's your secret to this long and happy Hollywood marriage?" which I know is unusual. Someone recently asked me why we even mentioned our separation in the book. [While Patrick worked to recover from alcohol addiction, he and Lisa separated briefly, which they talk about in their book, The Time of My Life .] And we did because it was real and that was part of our figuring things out and getting to a new place together. We worked very hard at our relationship. But the fact is, anyone can work hard at a relationship, but if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. I do think if two people really love each other, which we did, you can work things out. And even though we were different as individuals, we were also very much the same. We had a lot of common interests ? horses, flying, the ranch, and the lifestyle we led. We also were both the kind of people who never, ever gave up on anything we had set our minds on doing, and most important, we never gave up on each other.

"Healing will happen in time"

I thought I had been preparing those last 22 months for Patrick's passing, but looking back, all the sadness and grief that had come before he passed away now looks like an intellectual concept. Honestly, the kind of grief I experienced after Patrick was gone was literally on a cellular level. It's something deep inside your body that you have no control over. I can still feel the contour of his hand in mine. Sometimes when I'm driving on the freeway, I feel like I can just look over and see him sitting beside me like he did when I would take him to his chemo treatments. I'd put the pedal to the metal in our car and he'd break out into this big, mischievous grin. And I'd reach over and grab his hand and it was wonderful. Even though we'd be on our way to chemo, we both savored those moments.

What I would most like is to hear Patrick's voice again. I recently went to a birthday party for a dear friend, and it was my first outing alone. When I got home that night and Patrick wasn't there, I kept telling myself, He's on location; that's why he's not here to greet me. I wanted to pick up the phone, like I've done so many times before, and call him so I could hear his voice. Or I'll just be going about my life and want to tell him something, or I expect him to be in the stable and I realize he's not here. It's still very difficult.

There are a lot of firsts these days that I am experiencing without Patrick, and those make me miss him the most. The smallest things can trigger it ? coming home to the house for the first time alone, the first rain, the holidays, or just going onto a freeway entrance without him for the first time. It's going to take time to adjust to every one.

My friends have made all the difference in the world; they give me strength. One night recently, I was going into a full-blown panic attack in the middle of the night, and just dialing one friend's number helped calm me down. I can't imagine what it's like for people who have lost a loved one and have no one to talk to. People cannot just walk around with these types of feelings and not share them or they will implode. Sometimes I think the pain is beginning to pass, and I'll marvel at that and say, Wow, I'm really doing great, only to remember that two hours earlier I was dissolved in tears on the floor.

I would like to believe that if I were really, really courageous, I would find a way to go on and be better than before ? even without Patrick. That would take tremendous courage, because in a strange way, I feel like that would be a betrayal to him. When I've mentioned this to my friends, they've said, "Now, wait a minute. Do you really think that's what Patrick would want?" Patrick was always very proud of my strength, and I think he would want me to prove that he was right about me.

I'm a type A personality; I get things done and I put high expectations on myself, on an emotional level as well. But in this case, I've come to realize that the healing is going to happen in its own time. I've lowered my self-expectations for the time being. If I feel I should be doing something, I will try and do it, but if I run out of steam, it's okay to stop.

Life is not fair, death is not fair, but it's not personal in either case. I saw death coming a week away. It was just standing there waiting. I could rant and rave, but it doesn't matter. So I say we should do the things that will make our lives fuller and happier. We have to make our own ride.

I finally convinced myself to go to our New Mexico ranch recently, which has always been a very special place for the two of us, and I had a completely different reaction to it than I thought I would. The moment I set foot inside the house, it was like I was seeing it with new eyes. I realized it was still our home, and there was an unexpected comfort there for me. It felt so beautiful, serene and peaceful, and I remember sitting on our porch and saying to myself, See, there's nothing to be afraid of. I saw Patrick there in the most loving and positive way. And it was like he was sitting on my shoulder saying, "Look at what we built together here."

Isn't it ironic?

This will be an odd memory blog today. I got reminded of some things when a friend was talking to me and I don't think she understood just how much I miss Jim, even the things that used to drive me crazy. She was asked, "But aren't you pleased you don't have to put up with ___ any more?" and a question like that, well it made me feel worse, not better. She didn't mean in harm, I think it was more trying to understand why certain things affect me the way they do.

There were lots of things that Jim would do that would annoy me. Oh god I miss them. His arm over my ribs as we sleep and I would swear I couldn't breathe. I would push it off and then it would creep back. I would lay there and try to stand it as long as I could, knowing it was there in love and comfort...but I couldn't breathe...and now I laugh and cry at myself for ever thinking it was annoying.

He would do this really creepy voice from that evil guy in silence of the lambs "clareese..." with that inflection the actor had and it would freak me out and then he would laugh. And I would punch his shoulder. I miss punching his shoulder. /sigh/ My niece has taken over the role of freaking me out with this now. I called her the other day and she said it to me. I got both goose bumps and chills. And wet eyes thinking about Jim.

Jim had his own spot on the couch. If I sat there then he came in, well, I would have to move. Or if he sat somewhere else he would just be waiting for me to get up and he would jump in the spot. When I came back he would just look at me like "what?".

Then there was the butt crack deal. This is way too much information, but I am going to get it out anyway. So we are spooning in bed. He snuggles up to my back and things are pressed against my butt. Not in an erotic way, but more just a snuggle way. And, for some reason, this would make me need to fart. Just a quick one. I guess it was kind of like the arm over the ribs. My body wouldn't ignore it. Once I got the gas that I didn't even know was there out, it was fine. After I first lost Jim and even occasionally still when I am depressed I will push his pillow up against me. Not the same affect, but still a bit comforting.

And something I thought was annoying but now really miss, was his OCD'ing about clothes. Clean clothes and putting them away and ironing them and the like. It came from his time spent in the Navy and how they had to have everything neat and tidy. We learned very quickly that he was the ironer and such. My closet shows my lack of his tidiness now. Oh and the iron? I think it has been used once in the last 2 1/2 years. And that was by my friend Thomas to help me with a costume. As annoying as it was, if I could now, I would love to see Jim setting up the ironing board right now.

Isn't it ironic?

The things we take for granted. The things that even though they annoy us, they come with the package of the man. I know I have written about the things like this that I loved about Jim and endeared me to him. And god knows there are things that I did to annoy him. But we were a team. Together we filled what was missing in the other.

Once more

There with you

Keep my memory with you,
For memories never die;
I will be there with you,

When you look across the sky.
I will be there in the clouds,
In the birds that fill the air;
In the beauty of a fragrant rose,
You will find my memory there.

You'll feel me in the tenderness,
Of a tiny baby's touch;
You will hear me if you listen,
In the twilight's gentle hush.

When your heart is heavy,
And you feel that you're alone;
Just reach down deep inside of you
For your heart is now my home.

I will always be with you,
I will never go away;
For I will live on in your heart,
Forever and a day.

~ author unknown

Malcolm in the Middle

Everytime I watch Malcolm in the Middle I ache a lttle. You know that silly sitcom from a few years ago that you can watch 3 times in one day now. Well, Jim was Hal to my Lois. We didn't have the kids but we had the problems, the love, the fights and the resolutions.

I have a mini-crush on the Hal guy. I mean, it's because he reminds me of Jim. Older trying to be younger and recapture youth. He's a do it yourselfer that never quite does it right. Struggling with work and getting so caught up in the process of trying to pay bills and keep it together. Keeping his LP's instead of giving them up for the cd's or teaching his sons how to roller skate and getting into his old costume.

And his love for Lois. I love that whenever they can, they are wanting to make love. They look at each other and I get shivers. That is how it should be. Marriage I mean. A touch, a glance and you are tossing clothes off to merge as one. Sure there are arguments and disagreements on what to do with that piece of furniture or the shrubbery in the yard or even whether to pay the mortgage or the electric bills. But the love is there. As it was for us. I am happy without the added drama of 5 boys, the sitcom can keep them. But the love is worth it.

A Jim Thing

I have tried to do some particularly "Jim" things this week.

Simple things like giving some change to the guy at the redlight that has the 'homeless vet' cardboard sign, putting up the storm windows in the screen doors (and cussing as I did it), and eating some of his favorite foods.

One thing that I was happy to be able to do was help a friend - a friend from a messageboard online I visit everyday, but have only met her once, anyway she lives in georgia and her home got decimated by the floods a few weeks back. She was mentioning how she was computerless and using her sisters just sporatically. I have Jim's old laptop that I haven't used since he died. I decided to help someone else, like he would have, and sent it down to her.

It was something he would have done. He was always helping others in need. He would grumble about it but he never thought to not help. In little ways like giving some money, or finding clothes or furniture, or just helping someone move something and most importantly, he would help if someone was feeling down and just need a boost, a friend to talk to, or such. He helped others get jobs when he was able to hire them and often I don't think he even realized he was doing it, it was just his nature.

So my friend was basically clotheless, living in her sisters basement and had just started a new job. Some of the messageboard people (the ones that, like me are there all the time) well, we all helped her in various ways. I sent her my laptop, another friend sent her a camera to document damage and another sent her a box of clothing....little by little the whole message board helped her and one guy set up a paypal donation spot and in a month we had almost 2500.00 for her. Even nicer, several of them lived near enough to go visit. It made me feel good to be a part of it.

It is what friends do for each other. In real life and in the internet world.

And Jim would have liked it.

Sky blue and black

I watched a movie called Reign over Me. With Adam Sandler.

Omg. I spent a lot of time crying because I didn't know that the movie was about what it was about. Grief. Reconnecting. Friendship. Sorrow.

Sandlers characters wife and 2 daughters had been killed in the plane that flew into the Twin Towers on 9/11. They were on the plane. Sandler couldn't handle the grief and he slipped in to an earlier time. He became the person he was back in college before meeting his wife.

The movie went thru the process of him meeting an old college friend and little by little they reconnected. Sandler is brought back to reality. A reality that he really never escaped from, just tried to hide away in a corner.

One scene in particular struck me. Adam Sandler was facing his in laws. It was just after an emotional court room battle. For years they had been trying to get him to admit and talk about his families death.

They wanted him to admit his wife was dead and move on. He looked at them, and in a perfectly rational voice said "You don't understand. I am alone. I am ALONE." the camera cuts to the in laws and then back to Sandler. He continues. "Yes, you lost a daughter, but at least you have each other, at least you have each other."

I had to pause the movie while I cried because that is something that most people just don't understand. Unless they have lost a love, one never to be replaced, you don't get how truely lonely it is.

We have to know that if we need them, we can feel/reach/hear them.


Sky Blue and Black
Jackson Browne

In the calling out to one another
Of the lovers up and down the strand
In the sound of the waves and the cries
Of the seagulls circling the sand
In the fragments of the songs
Carried down the wind from some radio
In the murmuring of the city in the distance
Ominous and low

I hear the sound of the world where we played
And the far too simple beauty
Of the promises we made

If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, I'll see you through
Sky blue and black

Where the touch of the lover ends
And the soul of the friend begins
There's a need to be separate and a need to be one
And a struggle neither wins
Where you gave me the world I was in
And a place I could make a stand
I could never see how you doubted me
When I'd let go of your hand

Yeah, and I was much younger then
And I must have thought that I would know
If things were going to end

And the heavens were rolling
Like a wheel on a track
And our sky was unfolding
And it'll never fold back
Sky blue and black

And I'd have fought the world for you
If I thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If I'd known that's what you needed
What you needed me to do

But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow

If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, I'll see you through

You're the color of the sky
Reflected in each store-front window pane
You're the whispering and the sighing
Of my tires
in the rain
You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost
In everything I do
Yeah and I'll never stop looking for you
In the sunlight and the shadows
And the faces on the avenue
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
Sky blue and black

A new decade

Read this morning in my hometown paper:

And let us learn that the best way to remember is not by continually dwelling on tragedy, but by living our own lives to the fullest every day, as living memorials to those beautiful souls whose own lives were cut way, way too short.

2010

2010 - the new decade not the movie.

I will be one of those people that will be saying "twenty ten" and one of those other people that will call it "two thousand ten". It will depend on what pops out of my brain when I say it. I don't like the sound of "twenty eleven" so when it gets to be a year from now what will I say.

This has been a decade of craziness. In 2000/2001 Jim and I were visiting a friend in NH and seated in front of a fireplace and we had the vhs in the vcr playing the intro music 2001 as the clock turned to midnight. We had packed and gone up there because that was when the world was going to come crashing down around us. I had the tub of TP, water, canned stuff, blankets and such in the car. I don't know if I ever told my friends about it.

It was in 2001 that my mom passed away and in 2002 we moved back to Jim's mom's house where we stayed. I don't remember much of 2003 or 2004 (I probably will after I type this out) but 2005 is when I had my bad accident and had to stop driving. 2006 Jim got his job with the super stressful job at the USPS and I started a new job. 2007 we lost Jim's brother in March and Jim in May and the world crashed around me. 2008 Dad passed away and more of the world crashed. 2009 was when I lost my dog.

That all sounds so sad. Okay, lets try again. 2001 we had a Dal picnic and I got to see several of the Dalmatians Jim and I had rescued and fostered come to visit with their new owners. In 2002 we moved. That was both good and bad so I will list it twice. I have to go look at what we did in 2003 and 2004. I know one thing was to get back in touch with my siblings and get much closer to my father. That was the best thing about moving back here. Dad and I bonded. In 2005 I learned once again how much Jim loved me. He was so patient with me about the accident and getting me to and from work. 2006 brought us our TiVo - a new toy that was a lot of fun and let our tv watching addiction get fulfilled by our not missing shows.

2007. Well before Jim died we visited Jim's brother in Georgia and it was a wonderful trip. One of the things his brother said at the funeral has always stuck with me. He said he knew how much we loved each other when in one stolen moment that we were visiting Jim was not feeling well and stayed in the car while the others went out to the store. I stayed with him and we held hands in the backseat and Jim kissed my hand and put his head on my shoulder. He said it was a precious moment that he viewed.
2008 I got my license back and inherited my dad's car. In 2009 I traded it in for cash for clunkers and got my new beautiful I love it Versa.

For the next decade? I don't know. I can only hope.

December 29

It's another Tuesday morning. Another 29th.

I walked around remembering that horrid tuesday and still after 2 years and 7 months. It seems odd but the significance and thus memories it hit me at different times of this day.

The internet can find anything for you. Calculate time from one date to another.

945 days

81,648,000 seconds
1,360,800 minutes
22,680 hours
135 weeks

I am missing you Jimbo. Still and always missing you.

Sharing the need for gifts

Christmas is past and I am taking a deep breath. All the presents have been given out and received and the meal eaten and now is the time of momentary relaxation before the new year begins.

A friend of mine who is divorced and has no family was chatting with me about 'no surprise' christmases. I brought up that it is hard to have a christmas when you know what all the presents under the tree are. No surprises from the husband or children. We both have said that yes we buy a couple big gifts for ourselves but it is not the same as having a handful or so of little trinkets that you see and say "I know so and so would love this" and stick it under the tree. So we decided to exchange box full of presents with each other. We had a limit and the gifts had to be small, almost stocking stuffers, but not quite.

Well, shopping was fun. I got some whimisical and some practical things for her and in return got some of the same. But they were things that teased me all wrapped up and under the tree for almost two weeks before Christmas. Oh boy was it tough not to open them!

We have already decided to do this again next year.

thursday

Today has been a symphony of moments. A moment to get addresses for holiday cards and another moment to address and lick them. All done to the beat of the little drummer boy or the ho ho ho up on the rooftops. Another moment to grab something to eat echoed by the groan when I saw the parking ticket on the car after dinner. A rush here and a rush there and there a rush and everywhere a rush because it's beginning to look a lot like a holiday. The music is louder here where the wrapping paper is drowning out the sound of the cat leaping in and out of the boxes and the dog eyeing the christmas cookie. It all swirls and swooshes into a thursday the likes of which we have never seen.

End of the year

Last night I had this blog all written out in my head. I was lamenting (to myself) about how I hadn't kept up the writing and why.

Some of the reason was time. That is an issue. I find myself coming home from work, and not wanting to look at the computer screen. I had looked at one all day. I wanted to crash on the couch and not deal with dishes, clothes, food or anything. Just watch some tv and fall asleep there. Stumble up to bed when I wake myself to my own snoring and start again the next day.

Some of the reason was what was there to say that I hadn't already said. I have thought out what to write and then shook my head. I have thought I would just sit down and vent and then thought it would just sound like I was venting and whining and what was the point.

Mostly I think it is because if I start writing then I have to admit a few things to myself.

I have had a really rough fall. It crept up on me but somewhere this fall I started getting hit BAM with lonliness. Maybe because it is birthdays, anniversaries and holidays all crammed into three months. Bam bam bam. I am in a mind set that I hear a song and start to cry alittle. I see a cute thing in the store and think how cool that would be for Jim and then am sorry that he will never see it. Oh, I manage day by day and am okay. I still put on clothes and go to work and get things done there. But home is just a stasis cube. A place to be between work and sleep.

Maybe it is the early darkness. I can blame it on that anyway.

November 29th came and went without me mentioning that marked two and a half years without Jim. That made me sad. Almost every other day I think, I need to add to the blog. I am not sure where the motivation went. I hope to get it back.

Veteran's Day

A moment to remember the Military Veterans.

I like days like this, even though I try to remember and thank them when I see them, this day is makes a bigger imprint.

Remembering my father, Samuel, a WW2 Veteran, in the Army, and was a POW, awarded a Bronze star, and 2 Purple Hearts. He served under Patton in the 94th Infantry.

Remembering my husband, Jim, a Vietnam Veteran, in the Navy, serving at sea (some ship I can't remember) and on land in Guam.

Remembering several of my friends and my Uncle who have served in the Marines.

Thank you all.

Anniversary

It was 20 years ago today that I became Jim's wife.

The day was very melancholy and the evening pretty quiet. And full of memories.

I was remembering on our 15th wedding anniversary we went back to the visit the church we got married in and had dinner where we had our reception. At the church, believe it or not, the organist was there that played at our wedding. He actually remembered us, because of the music. I told him I didn't care what I walked down the aisle to - I wanted the Liberty bell march to be our recessional music. Liberty Bell march is the theme music for Monty Python Flying Circus. Which was a favorite of Jim and mine.

I was remembering all the special dinners we had for our anniversaries. Some were cooked by me, many were eaten out and one was done by my mom.

I was remembering how our anniversary came after halloween. My cousin often had a big halloween bash and we were known to take off work a few days before and after the party so we could combine the party with the anniversary.

Mostly I was remembering what it was like to run my hand up Jim's arm. To hold his hand and feel it tighten in mine and to kiss him with tender love.

A friend sent this to me -

All My Tomorrows
Kenny Lattimore

All my yesterdays, all so blue. Days spent waiting, waiting to find you.
Now those sad yesterdays, they're so far behind. Another lifetime.

Sign your name on my future
Write your name on my heart
Your the one that I need in my life and my arms.

All my tomorrows, they're all for you. All of my always, for all my whole life through babe. 'Cause you're the one I want, I want to give tomorrow too. You'll always have all my tomorrows. They're all for you.

All your everydays, I'll be there. You'll have no doubts how much that I can care.
There'll never be a day when I leave your side, not in this lifetime.

Write your name on my future,
Sign your name on my soul
You're the one that I'll hold for all time, and I'm never never letting you go, no no baby 'cause...

All my tomorrows (all my tomorrows), they're all for you. All my tomorrows (all my tomorrows).
All my heart and my soul, all I have, have it all. All I ever will need is you here with me, sharing with me...

29 on 29

Not much to say but I can't let the 29th month go by without something.

I find I am walking thru the house more and more saying "why do I need this, why do I have this, why am I keeping this?" Clutter. The house is cluttered and I would like to solve that by getting rid of things I haven't laid eyes on in years. Literally years.

When Jim and I moved to Boston from down here it was a fresh start. We moved from a large townhouse here into a small cramped apartment there...that luckily had a nice basement to store our boxes of stuff. We found a nice country house to move in to and it was rambling. Lots of space. We unpacked a lot of things, however there were still a few boxes that were left in the new basement awaiting their turn. Then we moved here. From lots of space to cramped space again. Those poor boxes of mostly books and memorablia that got moved from one home to another, three moves now and it has yet to be unpacked.

Guess what. I don't think I need them anymore. I have to get up the nerve to actually move them out the door, but I don't think I will miss them much. They haven't seen light of day in about 10 or more years.

I want to break the cycle of keeping things. Of keeping more than I need and maybe learn to live with what I have. It is an important lesson and intellectually I can achieve it but realistically I find myself ignoring it.

What to do with the pots and pans I almost never use, but have in the cabinet "just in case" I might need them. I may start in the kitchen to get rid of extra things. I have glass jars from speghetti under the sink. Clean and with lids. Why? Well, I am not sure, just because I hated the thought of throwing them away. Now, granted, they did help when I had a live mouse in the washing machine and needed some way to transport him outside. He ran right in that and I put the lid on and whisked him to the park and freedom. But for the most part the jars have sat there...waiting....for me to do something with them. I will. I will.

And my thoughts today turned to Jim many times. Replaying some of that terrible day in my head and wondering why and feeling like I have come so far and yet hardly far at all.

Milestone and memory

On a mountain/hillside outside of Boston, on Jim's birthday just 9 years ago.

Happy Birthday Jim!

Speaking

The summer is gone. The fall is gone. I mean, really there was no fall. Maybe a one week window. The shortest fall in history. Cold chills have set in and the heat is turned on.

This weekend comes the fun of packing summer and unpacking winter clothes and then taking screens off the doors and putting up the storm windows. This is the signs that winter is here.

Tomorrow is Jim's birthday. He would have been 56. Just throwing that out there.

I have noticed in the last couple months that I have changed a bit in how I speak of him. I mean, I do speak of him and what we have done. Instead of just sort of speaking to myself because I figured no one would want to be reminded of him, I am past worrying about that and now am bringing things up. And I may still be getting the same reaction, but it doesn't worry or bother me as it did.

One thing that many widows (or anyone that has lost someone) is the feeling that no one but you will want to know the little things about the person that died anymore. Like when you are in a conversation and bowling is brought up. The other person may talk about when her and her husband went bowling, and I used to stop myself from saying "oh yeah, Jim and I loved to bowl" because when I had done that the people would stop talking and change the subject or just sort of ignore what I said. It was very odd. Now, I can see it may be because they are uncomfortable with it and I thought before that I should stop doing it because of that. And I did stop for awhile, but not anymore. I am sorry if it makes someone uncomfortable, but it is a comfort to me to speak.

Jim was a part of my life for 17 years. Almost half my life. I have moved forward. I have made changes. I have conquered many things. I have learned many things and yet in doing all that, I miss having him at my side.

Oct 16

Chatting with a newly widowed friend the other day brought back a rush of memories that had been pushed back for awhile. I wanted to share with her that she was not alone and that what she was feeling was not wrong or strange but rather what every other widow has felt.

The memories of those first days after Jim died. The first hours. The first few minutes of seeing him laid out in the hospital and them letting me say my goodbyes.

My friend is going thru the long nights, the not wanting to get up and the taking naps to try and get thru the day. Hell I think they call it.

I look back at those days and wonder how I got thru it. I know some of keeping my sanity was due to this blog. To be able to write out what I remembered of my Jim and to write out what I was feeling.

Gosh I miss him. Still. It pounds on my chest. And yet, I try to say 'yes I miss him' and then go on with what I was doing. I can only do that. There is no other choice.

Jim's birthday is coming up. And our anniversary. And then all the rest of the seasonal holidays. Oh boy.

Random thoughts

When I first started this blog I was here almost everyday sharing memories and keeping the events in Jim's life fresh so he and the events would not be forgotten. I have been very lax the last couple months. Mainly because the memories are fading and they are becoming jumbled with the new memories. I went thru the whole day of Sept 29th with a feeling that there was something I was forgetting. I didn't realize it was the 29TH until Sept 30th.

Don't get me wrong, they are not being forgotten, but rather a memory that can be shared and not hurt so much. I am still talking about things that Jim and I did together and about our life together. I still say 'we will have to..." instead of "I will have to..."

But the urgency of the blog is not as critical as it was.

I did take the first year of the blog and print it out and put in a binder.

I am thinking of starting a new blog. A blog for betsy.

Weird dream time

I had a very vivid dream last night and Jim was in it. He was the focus of it.


We were at our friends Lance and Cindy's renewal of wedding vows and Jim was the 'minister' for them. Only he wasn't acting like a minister but more like a host for a Roast. Their was a long front table that the main group and he were at. He was making bad jokes and would start the ceremony and then stop to make a bad joke and Lance was glaring at him and I would say "Jimmmmm" in that voice I used when he was being bad and didn't GET that he was being inappropriate.

I was sitting next to John Weber at the table in front of the main one where Jim was so I would give him the 'evil eye' and get him to stop what he was doing, then he would go off on some other tangent. He even did some thing with a cigarette and pretending to have a trachetomy and held the cigarette up to his throat and the joke was that he couldn't get any air so he turned it around and burned a bigger hole....only he didn't really have a hole, he was acting it all out like a character.

He finally got the point that Lance and I were making and he settled down and finished the ceremony and it was very sweet. He came over to give me a hug and then I woke up.

1000 miles

Seems like songs and photos are sometimes my best way to express myself. I found Jim's old ipod nano,hooked it to my itunes library and reconfigured it. I then spent the evening singing as I hopped around the house and cleaned up what I should have cleaned yesterday or this morning. The last post was Shania Twain. This one is from The Proclaimers. Maybe this is a bit of romantic wishful thnking, or ego, but he made me feel like he would walk 1000 miles. So when I sing it, all I can think of is Jim singing it to me. That makes me love the song even more.


When I wake up, well I know i'm gonna be,
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next you
When I go out, yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
If I get drunk, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver up, Yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you


But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door


When I'm working, yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you
And when the money, comes in for the work I do
I'll pass almost every penny on to you
When I come home(When I come home), well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow-old,(When I grow-old) well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da

da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da

When I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
And when I'm dreaming, well I know I'm gonna dream
I'm gonna Dream about the time when I'm with you
When I go out(When I go out), well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
And when I come home(When I come home), yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home with you
I'm gonna be the man who's coming home with you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da

da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da

da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da

da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da

And I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

Looks like

Us thru the years.


Jim, I have been singing this one to you, for you, about us, for many years. I just heard it on your ipod that I am reconfiguring and when I sing it, know my love, that I will always be singing it to you.

As the song goes, we made it thru the ups and downs, the times we weren't sure we could last and we thought we had lost our way, but we came out together at the end. We always realized that we had each other. The strength of our love kept us together.

Oh my love, we had almost reached the dream that we had fought so hard for. Jim, we made it and you are still the one.


(When I first saw you, I saw love.
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after all this time, you're still the one I love.)

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

Bridge:
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

Chorus:
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby


---Shania Twain - You're Still The One

2 years 92 days

I am looking at this blog and can't believe it has been 20 days since I was here. August has been a balancing act of getting various things finalized and figured out. Often I find myself stopping to contemplate if I make this step (whatever step that is) it will take me one more step away from the dreams that Jim and I had for our life. The chest aches when I think this, but the reality is I have to take those steps.

And as I think about the pain in the chest. There really is one you know, a pain that feels like a punch. I think that there is nothing positive in holding on to the past. I do hold onto the love and the husband that I miss each day. That missing is not going away. No matter how it seems to fade, it is still there ever present in a mind that can not forget.

So I do that thing. That moving forward thing. I do things that I think are right for me. For my future. It is all I can do now. And it hurts aches burns my soul to say this.

I worked in the yard today and thought about where 27 months has gone. I think about the morning I came home from the hospital, leaving Jim there. The scenes flash thru my head. Our very small house filled with people - family and friends that had come for support. This line of thought leads me to think of the new friends I have made since then and how I wish Jim could meet them. Some have never been met other then via cyberspace.

There is still an ache when I find something in the house that was Jim's. An example would be the iPod. His iPod that he got for work and that had me ripping music to. His music. Donna Summers, BeeGees, Lennon, Beatles, ELO, and so on. I listened to it for a week, cried a little and then decided to make it my own. I am working my way thru our cd's and creating a new flavor to the iPod. Listening to Donna Summer and ELO made me cry because I could hear his voice singing along.

Jim was a multi faceted man. A jack of all trades and not afraid of a challenge.

The months pass but the ache doesn't really fade. It hides for the most part, but it doesn't go away. Jim and I had a friendship, partnership and love that lasted thru lots of trials and tribulations and joys and delights and surprises. We used each other to grow and embrace and live.

Missing my safety valve

I am missing my safety valve very much.

Jim was my safety valve. He was the one that stopped me from going off on tangents, he kept my red head temper in check, he would step in front of me and talk in the soothing voice.

My poor Vet. I just went off on her about a charge I wasn't expecting. I went to pick up Mercury's ashes and was charged for the office visit on top of the creamation and the shot to put him to sleep. I wasn't expecting the extra 40.00. Last week when I was leaving I was told 170 for the creamation and 40. I didn't know about the other 40. Well, I raised a fuss. Why? I don't know. I went in there all level headed and then boom, that extra amount triggered it.

They did surgery and had not charged me for three subsequent visits to check on him. So I was hit with a surprise. I just didn't have Jim to sooth me and remind me or even to send me to the car while he handled it so then later I could bitch at him and he would take the brunt for the vet.

I am mad at myself now and don't want to leave the vet with this bad feeling about me. I stormed. She took the charge off and I didn't even thank her for it....she said as I was leaving "your welcome" and I realized I hadn't. I did thank you but it came out all snotty and not good. I was outright rude.

I am using the blog here as a place to get this out. It is not pretty what I did and I am ashamed. I want to go back and pay and apologize. I want to be able to bring Tigger there for treatment. I am probably banned.

My thought is to take a card with a check in it. A thank you card for how well they treated Mercury while he was ill. They didn't deserve my grief anger. I am going to take it over just before they close for the day and apologize. I can't just mail it in, I need to look her in the eye and say it.

Jim I miss you. I know I have to learn how to handle these things. I know it. And I am trying. We were a good team and maybe he shouldn't have let me lean on him, but that was what made us good together....he leaned on me and I was his safety valve for some things too.

Mercury

I am not really ready to write this. But I guess it is time.

Our Dalmatian Mercury died on Saturday August 1st. He had been battling cancer in his lymph nodes and tongue and he had just deteriorated so much there wasn't anything to do. I held him in my arms as he got the shot and the doctor let me have some private time to say goodbye.

Mercury came to us a few months after we had to have our first Dalmatian baby Gryphon put to sleep due to renal failure. We weren't expecting to adopt another Dal for a little while, but he was a rescue from a kill shelter in NYC and while we were transporting him and another Dal pup, I fell in love. Merc was what they call a 'liver' spotted Dal. He had beautiful chocolate brown spots instead of the normal black ones.

Merc was with us about a month or so when we rescued Tigger and ended up adopting her also. We don't adopt all the dogs we rescue, most were just fosters being primed for their new homes but these two touched our hearts. They have grown up together. Tigger was just 11 months and Merc was 6 months when they came to our family. Now Merc was just shy of 10 and Tigger is 10 1/2.

He was a very mellow dog. A couch potato, well at least until you got the leash or the food bowl out. He had his priorities! He didn't lick faces or jump at you. He would sniff and decide you were okay. He loved being a lap dog and would lay on Jim's lap while they were both on the couch watching TV together.

Mercury bonded with both of us, but in different ways. I think he thought of Jim as more like a 'brother' but he knew me to be 'mom' and the one to listen to. Well being a Dalmatian he listened when he felt like it.

I am worried about how my gal Tigger is going to be. She doesn't seem upset at the moment, but Mercury has been gone for a few days at a time before - when he was at the vets for surgery. I hope she will be okay. Mercury was a little depressed for awhile after Jim died. He would lay on the couch with me and then right around 10pm he would get up and move to the front door, lay down along it and wait. About an hour later he would get up, come over to the couch and climb back up beside me. He was waiting for Jim to come home. That was the time that Jim usually came back from work in the evenings. I cried when Merc did this. It was like Lassie waiting for Timmy.

Mercury was a wonderful friend and a good dog. I was ready for his death, because of his illness, but it sure doesn't make it any easier.

I can only hope that somewhere, Jim has scooped Mercury up in his arms and is giving him hugs while Gryphon dances around to see who this new guy is.

Out of left field

I am going to blog tonight about the plumber that came to look and see about putting in a garbage disposal.

He is the son of a neighbor and he stood in the living room looking at Jim pics and said he still can't believe Jim was gone. He told me how he was at the memorial service (i never saw him).

He was about 15 years younger then Jim but they grew up on the same street. He stood and told me about how Jim would tease him and make him laugh and even stood up for him when a bully was around. He talked about how Jim came up to him when he had skipped school when he was 15 and went to the movies. Jim was working at the theatre and he didn't know it. So Jim sat right down next to him and started asking him why wasn't he in school and where was he going after this and does his mom know he was there....the guy said Jim had him worried and then at the last minute Jim offered him and his buddies a ride home and they laughed all the way.

This is the plumber that redid all the plumbing in this house back in 2002 when we moved in. He did a great job. He told me tonight that Jim and I helped his marriage. He said that when he was here and working on the plumbing he saw Jim and I do the 'rock, paper, scissors' thing to solve an argument. He said he talked to Jim about it and was told that was how we made sure we never go to bed mad at each other. And that is true. We did that for years and years, it was a great solution. Anyway, he told Jim that he started doing that with his wife and it has helped them. I had to chuckle at that one.

It was sort of out of left field all of this, but it made me feel good. Good that Jim is still remembered by others than just me.

Oh and I am not getting a garbage disposal. The electrical would cost more than the plumbing work. Oh well.

24 plus 2 and so much more

It is a hazy hot humid day and I am thankful once again for the inventor of A/C and Jim insisting that we have it installed in our home.

There has been a lot going on in my life. Jim is in my thoughts all day and through out the day and popping up in unusual ways. I was talking to a friend about tattoos and showed him the one I had done in Jim's honor. Mentioning of course, my having some of Jim's ashes mixed in the ink and now in my tattoo. My friend thought that was a very sweet thing to do and then he complained about the dust in the air and wiped his eyes.

The big news for this week is that I am now the proud owner of a brand new 2009 Nissan Versa. I used the 'cash for clunkers' deal and traded in my Dad's Caprice (sorry dad) and got a spankin' new car. Yes, there is a car payment, but I can handle that. I couldn't have done it without the clunkers program or my Dad's car. I had someone say that he would have wanted it and I know this to be true. Last year in May and June I was looking for a used car to put a couple grand into. I talked to Dad and he said to look at a couple that I knew were out of my price range. I told him that and he said "Don't worry, we will take care of that" and I knew he meant he would pay for it. I remember walking down the street talking on my cellphone to him and starting to get teary. See, I was trying to be independent and strong and there was Dad still helping and watching over me. I think he would be happy for me. I can only hope that both Jim and Dad are applauding me for the good business sense and choice and how I ran all the new car dealers around here ragged for a couple weeks. I got good at saying "no, I can't commit now but I will call you back". Boy did I get good at that.


So the Nissan Versa is a great little car - 4cyl and a lot more space on the inside then the outside. It's my Tardis car. I like it!

I had Jim in my dreams on Saturday night. I was exhausted from the car deal in the morning, driving home and then my niece and her fiance visited to help me do some things around the house, then there was my cinema club meeting. It was a busy, busy day. But I woke up on Sunday morning around 4ish and I had been seeing Jim's face and hearing his laughter. I don't remember why, but I know it was a good feeling and that he was with me. His support is important and it helps me get thru each day.

The Jim Wall

I spoke to Jim's brother tonight. Mostly to ask about some confusion with the property and things I hadn't known about when he sold it to Jim after their mom died. Amusingly the deed said "sold for the amount of: a brothers love and affection" and then under that, One dollar.

Speaking with Jim's brother after almost 18 months of not speaking was interesting. We fell right back nto the pleasantries of how are you doing and how is work and such other small talk. I asked him my questions and then he told me about Jim's wall.

They had some work done in their yard and had a support wall built around a perimeter area. He told me that when doing it, it reminded him of the stories Jim told about putting up the fence in Boston. Digging and finding more rocks under the first ones and such. So they decided that it would be 'Jim's wall'. A place where they can go and sit and relax and watch the dogs play in the yard. I know Jim would have liked that.

the Power of your kiss

I Miss My Friend
by Darryl Worley

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
Oh but baby most of all
I miss my friend

The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright
I miss my friend

The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss our silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks
I miss my friend

The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss my friend