Friday, June 29, 2007

A Dream

I just woke up and am writing this down off the top of my head. Probably better than thinking it out.

I finally had a dream about Jim....sort of. I haven't had one in the month that he has been gone. In fact, I only had one dream that I could remember. And that bothers me. I like my dreams.

So, I went to bed thinking to myself "dream about Jim, dream about Jim, dream about Jim' and it worked....almost.

I was in a van with my friend Melissa from NH. We were on our way to a craft type show and she was takng some stuff. I remember the moments prior to getting in the car as sort of a run around and grab things - clocks and such.

We are coming up to an intersection in some city with buildings in it. On the corner is a building so close the doors are almost next to the street.

Jim crosses in front of the van and we are about to hit him. He is halfway past the van when I see him. The side of his face - sort of - and back of his head. I gasp and grab the door handle. Melissa slides to a stop and Jim just keeps walking. Red hawaiin shirt on, jeans, same body style and same hairstyle. Only as he gets to the curb I realize that it really isn't Jim. Just a guy that looks like him. Jim never owned an hawaiin shirt of that pattern. The guy walks into the building. I never do see his face.

I start sobbing and Melissa asks me why. When I tell her, it wasn't really Jim, she just starts handing me tissues.

I wake up and the dogs start barking and reality sets in.

On 5/29 at 3:35am Life Changed.

I will wear black today. In honor of Jim.

I wrote a blog a couple days ago about the last tuesday of the month being the day of death. However Jim's actual date on the death certificate (that's hell of a thing to write) is 5/29 at 3:35am. So in three hours, it will be the actual one month anniversary.

In this picture Jim on a mountain we climbed in Massachussetts. You could almost see all the way to Boston. A beautiful fall New England day. Jim is there at the top of the world, and looking forward - as he always did.

My friend Don said in a comment "Sorrow shared is sorrow lessened." You, my friends have been sharing my sorrow and my love for Jim, and believe me it has helped. I have found the writing and posting of photos and sharing of stories - both the sad and the happy - to be helpful in this journey that I travel.

The pain of the loss of Jim comes, and it comes in a wave that is unstoppable. It comes in a wave that just makes the heart beat faster, the teeth clench and my hair sweat. However, to counter that, I am thinking more clearly (sometimes) and trying to go slowly step by step. Jim would have wanted that.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Back to the Wedding

Found our Wedding Vows today while going thru papers. Boy did the tears flow for this. A folder with all our wedding notes. In Jim's handwriting - what songs to be played, what order people were to go down the aisle and where guests were to sit. Did I mention that he and my Mom put this together? I had very little input. I did come up with the vows we spoke to each other. I think these were drafts. I just can't remember which of these we actually said. I haven't gotten up the nerve to watch the wedding video - but got to get it on dvd soon. What a wonderful day of love that was and I am so glad it continued thru the years, with the last hours of Jim's day being with me and being happy together.

1 Corinthians 13 patient and kind; love is not jealous or conceited, or proud or provoked. Love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is pleased with the truth. Love never gives up, its faith, hope and patience never fail.

How Beautiful life can be when Touched by Love

Now we will feel no rain, for each of us will be shelter for the other.
Now we will feel no cold, for each of us will be warmth to the other.
Now we are two persons, but there is only one life between us.
Let us go now to enter into these days of our lives together.

This day I will marry my best friend, the one I will laugh with, live for and love always.

Two lives, two hearts joined together in friendship, united forever in love.

Forgetting things...important things

I can't remember the song. I can't even remember the singer, the band or what year it came out. I do remember - its a male singer, it is a love song, it has something to do with fire and walking in the sand? or walking on the beach at sunset and the color of her hair?

I am frustrated because this is one of those songs that Jim would play and sing to me in the car and say 'this reminds him of me'. And he would smile when he said that, he would cararess my cheek or touch my hair and I would feel his love.

Now I can't find the frigging song. David bowie? Bon jovi? Not one of the regulars that I listen to like Billy Joel or such.

So this is why I started this blog. To remember Jim and to force myself to remember the important things. Maybe this isn't a real important thing, but I don't want to not hear this song ever again.....

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Other side of Jim

I am rubbing my hands together here. Bwahahaahaa. We all have these shots of our partners. Those ones we hope no one will see. Well, these photos are Jim NOT at his best - that was his opinion. However, he is still awfully cute and adorable looking in them.

These next two are faves because they are all Jim. The first one is Jim up in NH at our friends. The two kids and Jim are stretched out on the couch watching Saturday morning cartoons. The kids are now in High School and Middle school. My how the years have passed.

Dr Jimbo was always a fun guy to have around. Doctor Childs could heal a wound with a kiss or melt your heart with his eyes.....

And once again we return to, the smiling Jim. Just can't get away from that grin.

This was taken in our first year of marriage. I think Jim had gone for a job interview (hence the jacket and red power tie).

And here is a great one of Jim and I on our way to go skiing with our NH friends. Boy don't we just look like a couple of snow hounds.
Jim never made it off the bunny slope. He had never been skiing before and I was smart, took a good book, some cash and stayed by the fireplace with a mudslide near me for most of the day.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The last Tuesday of the month

It came to me when I was at work and looking at a calender. It was the last Tuesday of last month. At 3:35 am. When Jim died.

And today, is the last Tuesday of the month.

So here I am.

Don't want to be here without Jim. Can't say much more than that.

Monday, June 25, 2007


This photo was taken when Jim was in the Navy back in the mid 70's. I saw it and felt it was an almost perfect 'Jim' shot.

He's smiling, feeling a little happy that someone wants to take his picture, even playing it up a little for the camera. That was a Jim thing to do.

I can just look at this pic and hear his chuckle, hear his voice saying 'I'm ready' and then he puts his arms behind his head - that was also a Jim thing to do when he was laying down. The grin is nice, but the laughter that you see in the eyes - even though they are closed - Yep that's Jim.

Rolling, rolling, rolling...

One of the purposes of this blog is to get down on paper (the special internet paper) some memories of Jim so they don't get lost in my swiss cheese brain.

This picture was taken on our last trip together. It was to Jim's brothers home. Some of the best times during our marriage was when we were taking trips. I come from a family that lived a fair distance from family so on holidays there would be the trek to visit Grandmother or Aunts and Uncles or such. An 8 hour drive with 4 kids is always an adventure. Oh and remember this was before DVD players and ipods and heck, FM radio or cassette players in the cars. Dad had to make up things to entertain us or he would go nuts.

So with Jim and I, the long drives were fun. I taught him the things that my Dad taught us kids. The Army songs, all the other military songs, musicals, word games, license plate games, road sign games and the best one, how to read in while a car is moving. I still have people amazed that I can do that. Oh, I almost forgot the 'crossing into a new state song'. You see the 'welcome to Pennsylvania' sign and have to sing "Pennsa, pennsa pennsylvaaaania, oh pennslyvane i a, ho ho!' and just insert any state in to that template.

Jim loved the alphabet sign game. We would play that on the long drives along the turnpikes. His farsight beat me all the time. He was a serious player, but would also try to say that a letter was actually a different one and I just read it wrong. You know "Delaware 34 miles' was actually 'Qelazare 34 miles'. He didn't realize that I had been playing this game for years and with siblings. No sliding Qelazare by me. There was fun in these trips because as we played the games his eyes would light up and the laughter would fill the car.

One of the fun trips was thru Pennsylvania and the Amish Country and some areas that I had travelled as a child but never seen thru adult eyes. My Mom was Pennsylvania dutch. And yes would say stuff like 'throw me down the stairs the coat'. We went to Paradise PA where my way distant relatives Adam and Eve Hocker are buried. We went to visit Roadside America, in Shartlesville, PA, the world's largest indoor minature village. I remember going there as an 8 or 9 yr old and be so fascinated by this warehouse sized building devoted to a train. Jim was equally fascinated and pleased.

We often went on Sunday drives. These were the best. If it was a nice fall, spring or summer day and the cows were fed, dogs walked and chores done, we would jump in the car and go for a couple hours of driving, north or west or east to see thing and to spend some time. Our travels often got us lost, often had us playing scissor, stone and paper about what CD to listen to next and often found us at restaurant to take a break and have some food. Quality time like that can't be beat.

There also seemed to be a 'ritual' to us going. First one of us had to suggest it, and that varied, then there was the getting the house ready - as I said, dogs fed and doors locked and such. Then, inevitably there would be some argument about something. It was always something really really stupid and yet the first ten minutes of most of our trips I remember as us sitting in silence, sort of sideways glaring at each other and not talking. It was a pattern that I recognized and even as I did, I couldn't seem to stop it from happening.

The travelling thru beautiful colors of leaves in the fall and the green of spring was very relaxing to both of us. We would listen to music, discuss events in our lives, where we were headed in them, goals we had and work out problems. I loved getting lost on back country roads with Jim.

I also loved listening to him sing along with the CD's. It may take some nudging and some cranking of the tunes, but he would eventually give in. The Bee Gees, the Village People, the Beatles, Toby Keith, Credence, Diana Ross or countless others were on his song list. Jim and I had Toby Keiths version of 'Mockingbird' down pat and would sing it together. Jim was nice and would even let me sing along to Footloose, Blues Brothers and Meatloaf on a occasion. I learned to like the Beatles thanks to Jim and listening to him sing the songs. There was one song that he always sang, and said that Paul McCartney wrote/sang? and said that our friend John always debated him about it and said no Lennon sang/wrote it? I can't remember which was the right answer.

So rolling along the highways with Jim. Good happy memories.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Weekend Warrior

It has been 27 days since Jim has been lost to us. I am still in a mode of 'waiting for him to call', but it becomes more real each day.

I am concerned about our dog Mercury. He has been more and more depressed as the days go on. I am not sure if he is picking it up from me or just not happy that Daddy's not home...and not home...and not home. He lays by the front door and just sighs. He won't sit up on the couch with me and the our other dog Tigger. He has had days when he hasn't eaten and it worries me.

I try to spend a couple hours on the couch or in the yard with the dogs just giving them one on one attention. They are our kids. So they need this to make things seem more normal. And to be honest, it helps me too.

The weekend had me emotionally moving in several directions. Saturday was fun because I went to the picnic of one of the clubs I belong to, to be with a group of people that I could relax with was nice. I guess I could relax a bit because this was my group, not OUR group. They knew Jim as my husband, but not really as a friend. They were concerned about how I was doing, and very caring, but also allowed me to have some space and laugh and wallow in the friendship that was there. Good people.

Then came today when I was tired and a little sunburned and cranky. It was Sunday and this is supposed to be 'our' day. Jim always made sure we had Sunday together. So I didn't like being here today. I had things around the house I had to do but doing them was just no fun and crying made them take a lot longer than they should.

Looking in the basement was a sort of sweet sour ordeal. My sister in law came over and we looked at some of the family heirlooms. Some fishing rods, fish netting, broken tennis rackets, 1975 wine and of course Peter Cottontail. This was just a first run through, who knows what is next. But these to me and to Jim represented his family, his father, his mother and his memories of home.

I am living in his house. It is in both are names, but it is his. He grew up here. I even know what corner he stood in when he was bad. His mother passed and he was able to buy the house from his siblings. He worked hard refinishing the place before we moved here. He used his weeks vacation from a job to refinish the kitchen. The kitchen had been original 1940's style and he brought it up to 2002 with new appliances and even cabinets and counters where there had been none. He did this all with no help and not much of a budget. It makes me proud of him to work in it. There are several other things that Jim alone did to improve the house. No, I guess it is in both our names and may not be worth much, but it is our home.

Well, anyway, the wine I was told vehemently to trash, along with the rods, netting and rackets. It was both amusing and sad. Now, Peter has a story. He is a very dusty ceramic rabbit that stands about 18 inches, has a broken ear and is holding a basket. Well, for several years for Easter, back in the 1950's or so, the kids didn't have their own Easter basket. Jim's mom would put the colored eggs in Peter's basket and the kids would get them from there. Jim being one of those kids.

We moved into the house and he found Peter back by the old furnace. He would not let Peter be tossed. He also didn't clean Peter up or even move him. He is still down there by the furnace. He can stay there for a little while yet, it's alright with me.

Friday, June 22, 2007

A wooden box & some tee shirts

So I started this blog so I could express some emotions that were inside and needed to be let out. Better to write then to stand in my bedroom and silently scream. Gave myself a headache doing that so I am going to write.

Why am I screaming? It didn't start out that way. I was just sorting out the pile of laundry that was clean and just getting dusty. I thought I could handle moving some tee shirts from one area to another area. Some tee's that were mine and some that were Jim's. Wrong! I couldn't handle it.
When my hands hit the one Superman tee shirt that he has had for almost 20 years, I lost it. It is the oldest shirt that I know of in his collection and he hasn't worn it in years. He had that shirt before he had even met me. I am not sure how it got out of a drawer, but there it was.

Forward to me with tears and screaming with mouth open and no sound. I don't remember the part in between. Why did I think I could straighten the house without anyone else here? or at all? I guess I was being brave. Jim and I have a large tee shirt collection and most are movie/superhero related. I stopped the crying, wiped my face and put the rest of his shirts in his drawer. The Superman was kept out on his nightstand with his homemade Duffman hat on top. I feel better just writing this out.

I opened my sock drawer to put stuff away (socks) and saw in the way back something I hadn't seen in awhile. A wooden heart box. It is a beautiful puzzle box. I remember this. Jim gave one to me and one to his daughter for Valentines day. What year?
Gosh. 2001? I am not sure.
On the inside is a little Simpsons valentine card and a lock of hair. Jim's hair.
On the box lid, in sharpie is a note - To Betsy, Love Always, Jim - p.s. keep for cloning only.

Oh god, did Jim have a quirky sense of humor!!!

For cloning only. (for cloning only? what else would I do with it?)
Thanks Jim, it is a touching thought and of course I will keep it.

Widows diet

I found out today that what I am on is the Widows diet.

The making of food, only to nibble at it. The not even wanting to make food. The going out to eat rather than make food. The eating of the same type of food over and over.

I am experiencing all those. I have had grilled cheese sandwiches three nights in a row and then ate the middle and not the crusts. I have gone out to the Papermoon diner (a really cool place just up the street from me) 3 times in the last two weeks. I have mixed up some trail mix with dried fruit and nuts beacuse I didn't want to cook and mess up some pans.

This is a weird sensation. The feeling of aloneness even in the kitchen. I loved to cook for Jim. And Jim could cook to. Well, he could make really good fried chicken. I did the cooking and he folded laundry. I can fold something to make it come out all neat and lines in the material..while his folding was perfect. Navy perfect.

I may not be eating as much, but I am drinking water and juice and keeping fluids coming in. I think that is because there are a lot going out. And food doesn't seem to have any taste to it. My brain is doing that splitting thing - the logical side says 'eat!', the other side says 'eh, eat.'

I was in Burger king and couldn't even talk myself into a burger or fries. I had an oreo milkshake and that was about it. Of course the milkshake melted so all I really got was some funky flavored mix that once wanted to be a shake.

The not wanting to eat is a common ailment with widows. One reason is the person they ate with for years was gone and thats forever. Another reason is just that there is no reason. When I start to eat I start to feel almost sick. I went shopping and bought things to make me happy and it hurt me to do this. And sad. So the widows diet will help me lose wieght, but not how I wanted it.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


Relaxing with Jim was always fun. He taught me how to do so many things that have helped to relieve tension and to make life a little nicer. I tried to teach him too. We leaned on each other and seeked each other out for support.

He taught me how to really pick the crabmeat from a steamed crab - to get the most of the meat. To pull the tab, get the guts out and then pull the legs to get the meat out before cracking the center. I learned to cut the body so the meat is easier to remove. Much better than the hammer method I was taught years ago.

And I taught him how to just sit outside on a nice spring day and enjoy the blue sky and dogs at your feet. We would sit out back and have some ice tea or a beer and watch the clouds roll by. We talked about our life and decisions to make and that we had made. He told me stories about his childhood in the neighborhood.

This is one shot of Jim at the computer. He was not a computer geek, would go to read emails on his "website" which is what he called his email address. But I thought he looked so serious here, I had to grab a shot. He was actually reading a joke that someone sent him and is in a fit of laughter after this. No, computer was not his way to relax. I guess it is mine. He would come up and listen to music while I was on the computer and that was good for both of us.

Now, Jim's family are Poker players. Not the new style of Texas hold em but the traditional style of 5 card draw or 7 card stud or some that are just traditional in their family like 3 card quarter in. It is played at every family gathering - thanksgiving, christmas and just sunday night after dinner. This was a tradition from way back with their father and their uncles gathering to do the same thing. Tradition lives on.

I knew how to play when I shuffled into this family, but have gotten really good since then. Jim and his sister always played a game at the end where they would push in their winnings and play high card. Shuffle the deck, spread it out and each pick just one card. Highest wins. Not sure how he did it, but Jim won almost every time with that one. Its a way for them to relax.

And I think this next pic was his most favorite way to relax. Laying around with the dogs. He would take them for a walk, think about all that is going on and work it all out. He would come home from a walk feeling refreshed and the dog would be exhausted. We would try to do that 'communication' thing and figure out what was happening in our lives. It was not all roses and sunshine, but we worked it thru. Not always quietly, but in the end, with each other at our sides.

So the dogs helped him to calm down to get to his center spot. He would be happy to just lay around with them on the couch in front of the tv. He always looked so comfortable with a couple dogs on either side and the cat on his lap. I would have to push my way thru, but believe me, I won out.

Tonight I sat on the couch with a dog on either side of me. And it was a myriad of feelings. Peace on one side, hurt on another, anger in the front and warmth in the back. Confusion hit my brain and I had to stand up, move around and work it out.

I think what I was feeling was all the emotions that have been on that couch. I know I was the cause of them over the last couple weeks. But I think the feeling of warmth and peace are coming from Jim. He always loved to relax there and thus made me relaxed. Oh I miss him.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Wedding Warmth

I think I want to try and talk about one good fun loving warm memory of Jim to counter the sadness found in other ones. I want this walk thru grief to also be a remembrance of the man I love. I want to look back at photos and thoughts and smile. He could always make me smile.

Our wedding picture. This was quite a quick wedding and still as beautiful a one as any bride could ask for. Jim proposed to me in the spring and we were married that fall. The proposal was while we lay in bed after a wonderful evening and he said 'would you marry me?". I looked into his eyes, saw that he was perfectly serious and got a little...well...scared. Marriage for me is forever. I knew that. So I said "Can I think about it?" and he laughed and said sure. He held me in his arms, told me how much he loved me and then kissed me. After the kiss he said "okay, so thats long enough for thinking...what do you say?" and I said Yes.

What a grand adventure planning a wedding was. My Mom jumped in and made the bridesmaid dresses. I found the wedding gown at a great second hand bridal shop and it was just perfect for me. Jim did not have a big wedding for his first marriage and wanted one for us. I would have been happy with a justice of the peace and a three day party with family and friends. He wanted it done traditionally. As in many other things, he was right. It was wonderful.

The wedding night needs some sharing. Well, not all of the wedding night...but as we were going into the hotel room Jim said he wanted to carry me over the threshold. He lifted me up, took two steps forward somehow caught the heel of his shoe, tripped, fumbled and we flew in one swoop onto the bed with him landing plop on top of me. We laughed and then looked at his shoe - ripped from one end to the other. Oh my. What a start!

He didn't tell me where our honeymoon would be. I just trusted him. I knew he would pick a place that would be special. It was. We went to the beach and had a grand suite. It was bigger than our apartment back home. I could have moved in easily. We went out and watched some movies, we had dinner in the suite more than out, so we could be together, a walk on the beach, awakening and seeing the gulls out on the balcony, laying in bed late to watch tv shows from the late 60's. Oh what fun. A week with nothing to do but hang out with Jim. Yep, nice.

This next picture is not from our honeymoon, but it is a great travelling Jim pic. The end of the week at the beach and after the flight home.

Water water everywhere

"Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink".

I am crying and my eyes hurt. I mean now they hurt even when I am not crying. I have been told to drink water. I am doing that. And I even have droppy things from when I had the lasik eye surgery to use and it doesn't seem to help. I hope I am not hurting something in my eyes, but I can't seem to stop today. I turn around and see something to remind me of Jim. His email address, the Tivo season pass for Smallville, the Bizarro Superman tee shirt he loved so much. Little things. Stupid things. But they are Jim.

It is a very intense feeling to have. This feeling of never. I was walking down the street and said 'oh its a dream'. And then I said, 'ha, its not a dream.' and then said 'ha ha, well see now you are understanding why people go nutso". To grasp that this is not a dream and that our loved one has actually been taken away - not left because of martial problems or not here because of a job or gone to visit someone - but taken. Taken and never to be returned. Oh. It makes my head hurt. And my throat and my chest and someplace further in then any of those places.

I am 45. I don't want to be alone. I really loved the life I had with Jim. I found that I was missing and wanted an arm around tonight watching Jeopardy. And someone else besides me to be yelling out "what is hobbit" "who is khan" "what is cinammon". I want someone else to say "do you think we should have chicken or burgers tonight for dinner?" Or even someone to yell at when the towels are all over the bathroom floor. This is a lot of I wants, to go with the never agains and the I cans. I feel selfish in this way, but I used to have someone that would balance me by saying 'well we can do this, but we can't do that". And then, I would counter him with a more logical way to proceed. See we were ying and yang. He was a very emotional and heart on a sleeve kind of guy. Always trying to help and not even realizing that he was offering to help when someone looked like they needed help - he jumped in. I was the one that sat back and said 'okay we have this much money, lets do this and this'. And then, well, I would jump in to help someone too. Not with money, but we helped with moral support, moving support, job support, food support. Whatever was needed. We were a team.

I have friends that live alone. I used to live alone. I will get used to it. But right now, I am missing my partner. I am going to climb into his flannel shirt and think about his arms around me. Yes, it is 90 degrees here. But its Jims flannel shirt.

Water, water, everywhere. And not a drop to drink.

Photos 2

A young Jim, early in our marriage. The pic on the left is my all time favorite of him. We were at my dad's farm, it was a warm sunny summer day and all was right with the world.

A pic off the balcony on our trip to the Virgin Islands.

monday night in front of the tv

on the couch, i half close my eyes
i feel your jeans and thigh beneath me
stroking with fingertips the spot you last sat

a whisper of your scent
a vision of your voice
the smile, the laugh, the joy

wishing to see you in my dreams
knowing you are not here anymore
learning to live in the emptiness

to live without you is to miss you
days go slow, time stands still
love, anger, hurt, sadness

seeing your face in the photos
i touch a cheek that is just paper
remembering your love
relishing in all that is around me of you

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Overwhelmed. Sigh.

I am totally wiped out tonight and have no desire to go back to work tomorrow. I went to take a nap at about 5pm and ended up sleeping till 8:30pm. I guess I needed it.

I looked around the house after cleaning the cat litter box and just started crying. There is so much to do. I mean things like pull stuff out of the basement and sort thru boxes of stuff from years ago. But there are things I don't want to get rid of - things that we were keeping till we got a bigger place. Things that were important enough for us to keep.

I know people are going to say 'get rid of it' but I can't. I need to go thru and get rid of some stuff, yes. But there are things that are important to me that no one else will understand. No one else but Jim. I don't want to give those things up yet. I don't even want to be told to give them up, with all the logic behind it. How to make them understand. Jim and I were a team for 17 years and so these things mean something to me. Because they meant something to us.

The basement is a real mess. I mean we have stuff stacked up all over the place. I would like to clean it up but it is so dirty I want to move the stuff to do it. It;s a small basement, in a house in the city with 5 1/2 foot ceiling height and dirt from the ancient stone walls all over everything.

That is what got me crying. I looked around, felt overwhelmed and just knew that anyone besides me wouldn't see what I see. Jim and my life. That is down there. Not just plastic containers of stuff filled to the brim and with dirt and grime on it. Thats not all that is down there. WE are there. Jim and I. When we moved from the large farmhouse in Massachussetts into this small tiny city rowhouse, the plan was to be here a few years, fix it up and then move on.

I think I want to put the boxes of things that have no meaning to anyone but me and Jim in a storage space. So there is someplace that maybe I can go, and pull out a couple boxes a month and look thru them. I am a decent organizer of stuff when I sit down and work on it. I can throw things out. I can also keep things. Yet I know if I suggest this, I will get the quirked eyebrow. Mainly because it will mean asking someone to help me MOVE the stuff. I am not sure if anyone will do that but it won't hurt to ask. Yep, feeling a bit overwhelmed. Sigh.

I really wanted a grilled cheese sandwich tonight while I was crying, all I could think of was a grilled cheese sandwich. I started writing and now am not crying, but still hungry. Maybe its time for some grilled cheese, a glass of cold water and some Dal love.

Bladder vs Snuggle

Oh lord. After a fairly good day yesterday, I woke up this morning dreaming of Jim and wanting to roll over and snuggle. To have his arm around me and wait for the morning to come. To fight the bladder and have a few more minutes under the covers.

That was our favorite Sunday morning hobby. To lay in bed, snuggle and then eventually wake up enough to watch some tv, talk about the previous week and our plans for the day. To make sure we were on the same page with what was happening in our lives. It was important to take that time and we always did.

So, of course, I cried a little - and letting myself cry helps.

Then I gave in to the bladder god and went on from there to let dogs out and have some breakfast. I ate some cinnamon rolls I bought to make for Jim. He loved laying in bed as I hummed around the kitchen making Sunday breakfast. I would call him when stuff was half ready and he would start moving. I would be yelling by the time the food was done, hot on the plate and waiting. He still was slow at the coming downstairs part. He usually had gotten hooked into watched some show upstairs and until I was hollering up the stairs, he didn't realize the time had past. He would come down, start doing his diabetes blood work and taking medicine and I would be huffing now because breakfast was getting cold. So I would sit down, eat my meal and then watch him eat. A Jim moment. Afterwards came the walking of the dog or working in the yard.

I always liked the first part of the morning best. The laying in bed. I remember back on our honeymoon how perfectly we were matched for each other. We had our wedding night and were waking up and snuggling. Then a little while later the tv went on. Oh wait, its "Land of the Lost" and then "Batman" (with Adam West) and we were both hooked - on each other. We lay together and watched and giggled and laughed and knew. That set the morning routine that 17 years later had not changed much.

I came upstairs after eating breakfast this morning and was working on some laundry. To try and be responsible and then the phone rang. I thought 'it's Jim callin....shit' and I couldn't even answer the phone then. I just let the answering machine get it. I just lay down and cried some more. I want to hear his voice again.

I know last week I was lookng at my watch and thinking he would be calling soon. It doesn't happen often, but now it seems the phone is triggering it. I am thinking about cancelling my landline and just using the cellphone.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Photographs and Memories

Ha ha!!! Now that I have realized that pictures can be posted here, the fun will start! I don't know why I didn't remember that I followed Don and Tom from MD to CA this past summer thru their blog and photos. D'oh is all I can say.
I really love to look at photos and remember the moments when they were taken and the things that went on before and after. I find a lot of therapy in looking at the images. So, ENJOY!!

King James and Jedi Thomas

And then there is King Kong James and helpless female (ha ah) Betsy (yes thats me in his hand)

And here is Classic Jim. Early in during his Navy time. He sent these home to let his Mom know he was around and still being Jim.

This last one of Jim with the little wave is great. What must his Mom have thought!

Okay, I could do this all night. Maybe some more in a day or two.

Just another Saturday

Tattoo thoughts. Yep, I want to get a tattoo. I want to get a small Superman S symbol. Like the one he had on his bicep, only way smaller. My friend Robin came over last night and we talked about it. Now I have Superman S's on various parts of my body. Left breast, left shoulder, inside the wrist, high on the right thigh....I look pretty funny. We were testing the spots to see which one do I like the best and which one works the best. I really wanted it over my heart, but because of age my breast is a bit...well....droopy. Not good. But maybe the tat artist will have an idea. I haven't even figured out where I am going yet.

A wonderful letter came in the mail today. From the National Eye donor Assoc. "Two people that were blind, can now see thanks to the donation Jim gave of his corneas for surgery".

I thought that was awesome. Jim would love it. I won't know who they are but I may see someone and say "hey you look familiar" - ala Warren Beatty and Heaven Can Wait or that older version I can't remember the title to....

Sigh. If only life was a movie.

I am wandering a bit here but I think that is good. Haven't hit any really low times today, but I haven't been by myself for long either.

Cleaned up the front office today. It had to be done. Things had just been piling up there and even though I have tons of clothes, they have to be washed eventually. Our friend Regina came over the assist in this. We went out to eat and sat and talked for a long time. I think it helped her as much as me.

I did find some of Jim's dress pants and that was rough. I really am okay until I see his clothes. I know that these things are things that touched his body and I just want to touch them. So, I am wearing his shirts and feeling calmer.

This artwork was done by a friend of mine. I have never met him, but he is a LOST fan and we share a messageboard. Johnlocke108. We have discussed LOST for a couple years now and it has been fun. He knew about Jim's love for Superman and created this.

Johnlocke108 - Thank you!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Almost a whole day

I got through most of a whole day at work without losing it.

Then I went to the bathroom. Who would think that sitting in a stall on a toilet in a ladies room would cause such pain. The 'we're nevers' hit.

We're never going to be able to go see The Simpson's movie. We're never going to go on a trip together again. We're not going to lay in bed reading comics and listening to Futurama again. We're never going to help each other bring the groceries in. We're never going to....

The we're nevers are bad. They can bring you down really fast and really hard.

I sat in the bathroom and cried a little and then got up and washed my face and looked at myself in the mirror. And chuckled a little.

Then the 'now I cans' hit.

Now I can cut my hair. Now I can have mint chocolate chip ice cream. Now I can stay up late. (there is a song out like this...) Now I can....

But I would gladly give up all my I cans, to get one of the Nevers back.

Jim and I had a really wonderful last day together. We didn't know it was a last day, but it couldn't have been better - unless it happened 50 years from now.

We had Memorial day. We were both off work, both relaxed and both enjoying each other. We woke up and said all the weird sexy things that couples say to each other and then we walked our dogs. I usually don't go, but I went that day. We went on to do some grocery shopping and because of Jim's just recent surgery I was the one that manhandled the dog food and heavy items. He was only allowed to lift the toilet paper.

We went to Trader Joes for the first time and that was fun. Jim looked like he worked there with the hawaiin shirt he had on. And then we came home. Relaxed and happy that we got so much done. Jim wanted to go to a movie, so we went to see Spiderman 3. I didn't really care, but I went for him.

Our first date was to a movie - Naked Gun. And funny, I put my hand in the popcorn box the same moment he did, and I was hit with lightening. Later that evening, our first kiss and I was hit even harder. We were married six months from that first date.

So we came home from the movie and relaxed on the couch with the dogs. We both love Columbo and a new dvd was out. So we watched Columbo, got ready for bed and Jim read some comics . "Good night Angel, Sweet dreams". He said that as I was falling asleep. He woke me up a short time later with chest pains, we called 911 and as we reached the hospital he went into a full arrest.

I still wonder if his brother Benny, who died just 2 months earlier, grabbed him so they could play some poker up there.

I am sorry that I will never be able to touch him, love him, laugh with him, but I am thankful for the memories I can share with him.

The Nevers are hard. To get them out helps, but the more you think of them, the more there are to think of....

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Losing a soulmate

My husband died May 29th.

My heart broke that day. When the doctor came in and sat next to me, all the visions of them doing this on the tv show ER became clear. I knew what he was going to say. I knew that Jim was gone, but I didn't 'feel' him go. I didn't want him to be gone.

It has been 15 days and I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he is gone. I still wait for him to walk in the door. I look at the spot where he last sat and want him to be there.

How do people get thru this? Well, someone suggested I write. I keep a journal. I let my emotions out and don't hide from them.

So I am going to blog my way thru it. I may be blogging for years or maybe just a few months. Anyone that reads this will be suffering the pain in my chest that I feel as I think about the emptiness in my bed and in my home. You will be hearing the stories that I have to get out about the laughter that filled our home when JW was around. He loved to make people laugh. He had a quirky sense of humor that never failed to make people either smile or grimace.

I am going to write every night - so these will also be short blogs. Not really interesting to anyone but me, but I hope by sharing my feelings, it may help someone else to get thru a tough time.

A Night in the Forest is a line from John Denvers 'Annies Song'. This was our wedding song and JW picked it out. I was not given any choice. He loved me and this said it all.