Sunday, June 29, 2008

13 months

First, a big round of applause and many thanks to my friend Kaszeta. He was able to save these pics from the flooring day. My camera's memory disk went bad and they wouldn't download to my computer. He worked some IT magic and retrieved the pics!

My brother Sam is at the saw.

My niece Jess is in the middle of the finished floor nailing in trim.

The dogs are enjoying the fruits of all this human labor.

This has been a busy week. My Dad went in the hospital because of an infection in his toe. He had this last year and they had to remove half a big toe. Friday they took the rest of the big toe off. Dealing with my Dad in the hospital has been tough because he doesn't like to be visited there. He wants to be left alone and my siblings and I want to see him and make sure he is at least okay. We will see how it goes over the next few days.

It seems like the last two weeks have been a spiral of depression for me. I am lethargic and forcing myself to get up and walk the dogs or do the chores. Taking a nap in the evening and going to bed early. I am wondering what the point of it all is. It being this existence. I am back to being a seesaw of emotional reactions vs numb to all around me. Watching a movie or tv show and I get tears. Listening to someone talk about a tragedy and I am numb. Maybe I am doing better because I can recognize the depression and am doing some things to work thru it, but it still can be very gripping sometimes. Usually late in the evening after all the chores and duties are done and I am left on the couch by myself with the animals and no one to cuddle with or talk to about the day. I am online more because of this feeling. Lonliness. Or rather All Alone.

I am not sure if this is even more of the grieving process or the new single life process or a combination of both.

Doing some laundry today I realized what I really wanted was to take everything in the house, dump it and start fresh. Okay, maybe keep a few things, but I am feeling overwhelmed with trying to not just keep up on chores but also to sort thru and get rid of things that are unused and taking up space.

Now that is all out of my system - positive things I did - the bookcase from the living room is now in the front room and it is great to finally have space for stuff there. Jim's Total Gym 1500 went to a friend and that leaves more space. I have done laundry for days and now everything I own is clean. Only about half of what was washed is put away. I need more drawers. Or maybe to get rid of some clothes. The wood pieces that were left from the flooring installation are bagged and can be in the trash on monday. Previously they were in bags and stuck thru the bags causing riips and holes. The trash men wouldn't take them like that. I spend some time this afternoon making little and littler pieces of wood.

This blog is ending at 12:05 am on June 29th. 13 months after we lost Jim.

I find the days are passing, but the memories are still with me. The hole in my chest has mostly healed, but sometimes the pain reaches out and touches all the nerves in my body.

I miss you Jim, each night as I touch your space in bed, in morning when I wake without you, each afternoon when I am walking the dogs, at 10 pm when Merc still lays down at the door waiting to hear your car keys rattling. I miss you my love.


Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Tender hugs for you my dear. I wish I could make it better.

Rach said...

The floor looks wonderful. :o)

I'm sorry the past two weeks have been so difficult for you. I'm here, I'm "listening". Big HUGS, friend.

Lynnbug said...

I just started reading your blog. I think you are doing a great thing by writing down all your feelings. I have depression and know what it feels like. I have never lost a mate through death, but I have lost many close friends and family. It is a terrible healing process. You never stop missing them but it does eventually get better. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You have a purpose!

And I love your dogs! They are beautiful!

Linda said...

I am so sorry that you have hit such a rough patch..
You are in my thoughts always.

Laurie said...

I am here to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying you through Betsy. I hope it does your heart good to get it out here where people who care about you will listen and send you love. I am sending you love and hugs tonight.

Laurie in Ca.