Painting the bunny

Jack is hunting for Easter eggs.

This Easter was spent at my older brothers home and with his family. It was a good weekend and a lot of fun. He has a couple of great daughters and his wife and he open the home up to extended family every weekend. I loved their tradition of Friday night/family night dinner and the big Sunday evening family dinner. It shows a wonderful spirit of what we had when we were growing up with my parents.

My great nephew is a little guy named Jack. In the photo below he is helping Nona (grandmom) to 'paint the bunny'. Painting is what he called it when they were putting the icing on the cake. After done icing it they put some jellybeans in for the ears. Well Jack decided that two jellybeans was not enough and proceeded to stick jellybeans wherever he could on that poor bunny.
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He is a very intelligent and quick learning two year old. He remembered me from my Thanksgiving visit and wasn't shy about interacting with me. He is also the first grandchild so he is surrounded by 7 adults ranging in age from 21- 81. Oh, yes, he has his melt downs but then what two year old doesn't?

One thing that was interesting - my brother and I talked about what I wanted to do in the future. I told him I never really felt like Baltimore was 'home' even after 20 years here. And I would like to be closer to family. It was okay when Jim was around and my Dad was nearby, but now, there is no family to lean on or visit with. He told me that even after 20 years where he is, it didn't feel like 'home'. We even briefly talked of my moving closer to them. I was happy that he didn't dissuade the idea. He even told me of a place to apply for a job. I left feeling good about life at the moment and it was definately a good visit.

Thursday

I will be in and out most of the weekend, so posting will be spotty (ha ha).

Mercury update - I went to the vets today and they want to keep him a little longer. They did let me sit in an exam room and see him. I talked to him for a bit, rubbed his ears and gave him hugs. He rubbed his slobber and bits of blood on me and then lay down and put his head on my lap while I lavished love on him. I talked to him about how his daddy was watching over him and making sure that things were okay. I told him the cancer sucks but maybe daddy is lonely and needs to have Merc because they were buddies. Gryphon our first Dal is hanging out with Jim but Gryph was more my dog than Jim's. Mercury bonded to Jim a lot more. So I told him that we would have a great summer together and we would see how things went along. There was a lot of wet food in his future and I know how much he enjoys that. At the word "food" he perked his head up and looked at me with those adorable brown eyes. I had to stop talking for a bit. I think in the end though, we both felt calmer afterwards.

The vet tech said she was happy to see how calm he was because sometimes seeing an owner gets them all riled up. But he has always been a pretty calm guy and I am sure the drugs he is on helped too. Well, and besides my calming personality (again, ha ha). I tried anyway. At one point when I was noticing how dusty it was and my eyes were getting leaky, I stopped and told myself that he shouldn't feel my agitation and I calmed down.

On another note, shopping for an Easter outfit is really tough. I couldn't find any pretty pastel colors to wear and I am not sure what I will do. All the suits with pants or skirts are for the fall and winter, so they are dark. I hate fashion. I am happy in a polo shirt and jeans and some crocs.

Extensive

So my last newsflash was a bit premature. I mean, it was good in that Mercury made it thru the surgery, but not good in that the report the vet gave me afterwards was bad.

The vet was able to remove only 60% of the tumor on his tongue. And he said it was extensive, more than he thought, and that being so, it will come back aggressively.

I may have the summer with Mercury. We are not sure what timeline to give it. 4, 6 or 8 months.

I will enjoy the time and let him know that he is loved.

Out in the field

Newsflash:
Mercury is okay at the moment. He had the surgery on his tongue to hopefully remove all or most of the cancerous cells. I called the vets and they said he is groggy and they may want to keep him overnight, and I should call back at 6pm to actually talk to the vet about it. I am happy because his coming out of the anathesia was a worry. What is next is a bigger worry.

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So now, you will get treated to a few more Mercury and Tigger pictures. These were taken just Saturday at my Dad's.
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They started the day off running -
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And they end the day in utter bliss and exhaustion!

Sunday

It was a very pretty Sunday. That sort of spring on the edge of summer day. I spent the morning making a list of all the things I needed to do around the house. Then, when it came to do them I opted for a couple hours in the backyard on the bench with a dog and a book. The time spent outside was calming and enjoyable in that I could rub Mercury's ears with one hand and hold my book with the other. I am reading a series known as the "southern vampires" that is about a southern woman and her vampire boyfriend. It came out before Twilight and there is a series of the books now. It is a murder mystery series that has the twist of vampire in it.

Sometimes you just need a day like that. It doesn't happen often, but that makes it all the more appreciated.

I went out this afternoon to get my hair trimmed. I am horrible at keeping it under control or 'in style'. When it grows out to a certain point I whack at it myself till I can't stand what I do to it and then I stalk off to the stylist. Today's stylist took a bit too much off. I guess it is good for the summer and it will grow back, but really it was at a length that I was liking and I only wanted a trim for god's sake. Sigh.

The search for what to wear on Easter Sunday to church is on. I am horrible at picking things like this out and am even worse at finding stuff that fits. In my mind, I think of myself about 4 sizes smaller than I really am. This makes it tough. I would love to go on one of those extreme makeover shows. Get the lipo for my belly and arms, the teeth reconstruction and a nose job. I guess I have to start trying on skirts and shoes to see which ones still fit. Another sigh there.

Today was an awakening more than ever before that the warm months are coming. I had windows and door open and was airing the house to get the winter smell out of the place. Out with the old, in with the new.

Dad's on a Saturday

These shots were taken in the previous years at my Dad's farm. I don't think any words can add to the photos. The last pic was taken on the dock where my Dad's ashes will be released in the pond on Easter. This is as per his wishes and I think very appropriate.

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The dogs and I are going out to my Dad's today. The weather is going to be nice, the sky sunny and they can run around and have some fun. I am going to take some photos and capture some memories.

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Technically the farm isn't Dad's but my stepmom's. She has always encouraged us to come out and it is a great escape from the city. A country place that is not really farmed, it is more a house on a hill with a yard - a huge yard - and a hill leading down to a picnic area and a pond.

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Readers will have to suffer through pics of the dynamic duo at Dad's. I know it will be painful to see unbashed cuteness, but people show off their children so I will show of my babies. : )

Jimbo

This was taken at my desk and Jim is reading his emails. It was taken in 12/06 and he had gotten home from work just a few minutes earlier. I was making dinner and I am not sure why I snuck upstairs to take his picture. But I am glad I did.



Jim and I went to Disney and we found the Dalmatian Hotel. This was in the courtyard.

This is one I hadn't seen in a long time, and it is perfect for how I am feeling right now.

One of my very favorites - Jim and I visiting a friend (and her children) and Jim got up to watch saturday morning tv with them. I love his 'bed head' hair. And that Iain was wearing the Superman pj's.

Cancer

The flashback was very intense. The setting was different but the words were the same.

"I am so sorry......" The doctor saying this was a veteranarian, but it is the same words the the doctor started with that told me Jim had died.

Mercury's biopsy came back with the results that we thought Squamous Cell carcinoma. The vet I spoke to is not the vet that will be treating him so we will see the new one on Saturday.

I hope some heavier pain meds can be gotten. Poor Mercury woke me at 3:30 this morning with a whimper that sounded like, well, like a human with a toothache. With every breath there was a little 'mmmph' that was high pitched. They sleep in the living room downstairs and usually I don't hear them. I am got up and gave him some pain meds. I let both dogs out and both peed so I was happy. Then it was snuggle time. I sat on the couch with a dog on either side and stroked ears and rubbed necks. Mercury settled down right away and yet, every time I stopped or slowed he would move his head and look up at me. Tigger on the other hand was excited that mommy came down to visit during sleepy time and refused to go back to sleep. She would lick my hand if I stopped petting. Of course, I stopped as I was falling asleep again so her licking would wake me up. After about an hour, I decided the drugs had kicked in and I went back up to my bed.

Mercury's demeanor is a split one. Some of the time Mercury is behaving normal. He is up beat and excited for food. He is ready for a walk or to go out back. Then I sometimes I come into the room and he is laying on the couch just looking miserable with his head on his paws and moving slow.

I am not sure if I have posted the story of Mercury and Tigger and how they came to be in our lives. Our first Dalmatian, Gryphon was a beauty with one blue eye and one brown and a fantastic personality. He passed at age 5 1/2 with renal failure. We went to the vet with him when his life was more pain then pleasure. Jim held him as the vet gave the shot and cried. We both cried. We sat in the truck and held each other. With no children, Gryphon was our baby. We bought him from a breeder at age 12 weeks. We trained him, had photos and fun stories.

We had been doing Dalmatian rescue work for a couple years and fostering Dals was a big part of it. We would take in a Dalmatian in need till a home could be found for him. After Gryphon, I told Jim no more rescues. I was grieving. Of course, we got a call a few weeks later. A Dal about to be put to sleep. Jim told me that he would handle the dog, I didn't have to do anything. He went down to the shelter and brought home this terror of a dog. No discipline and no social skills. Jim worked with him for 3 weeks and got him to the point of adoptablity. And we found him a home.

Then a few weeks later came the next call. Two puppies in NYC have 24 hours or less to live. I said okay because we had a family wanting to adopt a younger dog. This was a great rescue. It was a 'hand off' from one couple that got the dogs in NYC, to a family in CT, and they met us up in Providence. I sat in the back seat with a 6 month old and 4 month old puppies. The 6 month old pup was bouncing around and the 4 month settled at my side and looked at me with these big brown eyes.

I remember calling to Jim in the front seat that "This one is not going anywhere". Jim laughed and said that was fine with him. And Mercury was adopted by us (oh yes, the other puppy went that day to his new home too). Our other Dalmatian, Tigger is also a rescue, but her story will come later.

Tigger seems healthy as a horse, acts like she is 2 and will probably live to be 30. Dals have an age range of 12-15, and Mercury will be 10 in September. I have started taking photos. I will try to take some each day. If only I had known with Jim, I would have taken lots and lots more.

I also ask that any men in my life - friends or family, stay far away from me. I lost Jim, my Dad and now my male dog. Something emitting from me?

22 and still going.

I have been thinking of posting for a few days, but every time I sit down to look at the screen I am overwhelmed and tired.
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This week I learned that our dog, Mercury has tongue cancer. They called it squamous cell carcinoma. I have been spoon feeding him to make sure he gets enough water and food into his mouth. He can't chew. In fact that was what made me take him in the first place, he had gotten so slow in eating his food I thought he had a broken tooth or something like that. I never saw the things on his tongue. In fact the vet didn't even see them until Merc yawned in front of her. She didn't even look for something on his tongue.
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That was a ride this week. Last saturday, going in to the vets, the exam and them telling me there are lesions on the tongue and we need to biopsy them. Then Wednesday going in to drop him off, going in later to pick him up and the care and feeding. It was Thursday that the vet gave me 'the call'. Telling me that he has the squamous cell carcinoma and she started the 'so that means so many days to live' speech. I was in shock and ran thru those 5 grieving emotions really quick - shock, anger, denial, sadness, anger, shock, reorganization and anger (i listed more on purpose there).
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I spent the afternoon learning what I could about this cancer in dogs, and then making phone calls to specialty vets in the area. And then being shuffled from oncology vet to dentistry vet to surgical specialist vet...finally to learn that until the biopsy comes back nothing is definate. I called a regular vet in Baltimore, close to home and made an appt for him to look at Mercury. A second opinion and a way to establish a vet close by. We had been to him once before. They were able to see Mercury on Saturday morning. He gave me a much more positive feel to the situation then my other vet (which is another reason I was changing) and he offered some good advice on how to keep Mercury comfortable, still eating and some options to think about when the results come in. He didn't start with the "speech" he started with "we may be able to do some surgery and it may or may not help". Maybe that is unwarranted hope, I don't know. I will know later this week. I just left his office feeling calmer.
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I found the picture of "Professor Mercury" while looking for some others. The look on Mercury's face "mom help me" had me laughing. Jim loved to do things like this to the dogs and he always thought Mercury was near sighted because of how his eyes focused. He thought the reading glasses might help. He enjoyed these dogs and adored him.
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Lots of dreams about Jim this week. It has been very comforting and I like waking with his face in my head. I only wish he could come to me when I was doing my taxes and tell me where which numbers go.
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And to totally switch subjects, a thought I had last night and wrote here before writing all the Merucury stuff -
"Watching tv tonight I realized just how much I miss having Jim kissing me. I enjoyed his kisses and my kissing him. Any kind, from those deep romantic I love you ones to the light pass by think of you kisses and especially the super erotic ones that made my mind go blank. I also miss having someone to scratch my back. "
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Month 22 and I am thinking of what to do for the two year mark. I didn't really do anything really special for year one but I wanted to. I still want to plant a couple trees but I am just not sure where they could go and I would want them to be allowed to grow free and tall. I wish I could find the people that got his cornea's. The organ donation sociey said that each one went to a different person, so he was able to help them see again. As odd as it sounds, it would be nice to look at someone and know that Jim is still there.

Hello

I got a call from a friend tonight. I didn't get to the phone and she left a message on my voicemail. The start of her message was "man, you got me, I thought it was you that was saying hello...."

I laughed because Jim did this on his cellphone voicemail. It was a simple "Hello" but in the tone that you would speak as if you were answering the phone, not like you were about to say "hello, leave a message".

So often, people would leave him and message saying "hello Jim, how are you? Jim?" and then you would hear them on the voicemail maybe speaking to someone else saying "I thought he answered but I don't hear him, okay, Jim is this is a message, it's Uncle Benny, call me back....I guess that was his machine, I don't kno..." click.

I shut Jim's cellphone down just several days after he died and I am sorry I did. I wish I had kept it on for a little while longer. Long enough to get a copy of his voicemail (somehow).

The "hello" that I use is very much a copy of his, in honor of him. Most of my friends have heard it and even this friend knew it but said she forgot that it did that.

Ah, the little memories that make you smile.

Deli counter lady

Saturday mornings are always a fun time of the week. I get up to let the dogs out, have some sort of 'treat' for breakfast - eggs bendict or a donut or something to make the morning zing. Then there is the ritual of watching "The Practice" reruns and the walk with the dogs.

Today I gave a friend of mine a lift to work. Wait, let's stop a moment. What a great thing to say. I GAVE him a lift. I love being able to do that. After years of no car, and getting rides from him, it is nice to do him a favor.

So, I am dropping him off at work and I see that I am close to the grocery store - Shoppers - that I wrote about last week. The store that Jim and I would go to and was stacked to the roof with memories. I told myself that I could go in there now, now that I have done it once.

I went in and it was an odd feeling, a welcoming, a good warm feeling. I knew it was good that I had come.

I went to the deli counter where there used to be a nice woman that knew just what meats we wanted, joked with me about Jim waiting in the car and in general was like the oldtime neighborhood grocer. She wasn't there last time and I think that was good. It was rougher last time.

Today she was right there and smiling behind the counter. She looked at me and said "ohh! it's about time!" and I laughed. We were the only ones there so I told her about Jim passing and she said she remembered him well because he would sneak up behind me when I was intent on ordering and spook me. He did that, but honestly, I had forgotten it. Theres a memory reclaimed.

There were some other customers coming up so I moved on to continue shopping. I am in the milk section and feel these arms wrap around me and I turn and she is there giving me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She said she was sorry he is gone but to know he is with me. And to come back to see her. I told her thank you and I will. Then she left.

I stood in the milk section and had the stupidest grin on my face. Just a smile and some tearing in the eyes thinking about how wonderful people are. That she remembered us was one thing, but to search me out and give me a hug and some kind words just gave me such warmth. What a wonderful woman.

I thank her for the smile she gave me while I was in a place filled with the Jim and I memories that sometimes hurt. I thank her for the memory she shared that I had forgotten. I thank her for the openness to hug me in the middle of the milk section.

Wednesday morning

Starting the day waking to a dream that makes you really notice the empty side of the bed. Mainly because it wasn't empty in the dream.

This morning during my dream state I had a conversation with an old boyfriend. I can't remember what we talked about, but I remember his face very clearly. Dodge boy (his nickname) from my college years.

He and Jim, they walked up to me together. Dodge boy and I talked and Jim chuckled beside us at some of the witty things I said - I don't know now what they were, then as I watched he and Jim melded into one and we lay down. I closed my eyes - I guess I was going to sleep while I was already sleeping - and felt him behind me. In the dream I woke to know that his arms were around me and the weight was pushing on my ribs and annoying, like it used to be. I reached to move his arm down a little, again, a common over the years manuever, and that's when I woke up for real.

I woke with his heat still on my back and the very clear remeberance of moving the arm. It was an almost nightly ritual and I don't know if I have thought about it in months. And I could still in my mind see both Jim's and Dodge boy's faces.

As I got ready for work, I was overwhelmed with the need to write and just sat and let it flow. This is what came out.


His laugh is not to be heard again,
those loud joy filled gruffs,
The hands will not be touching
caressing the skin.
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To lose the one that makes
you feel that living is worth
you are special to him
because of him, the aches come.
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How to fold and pack and give away
moments of your lives
The strength you need to do it
In small steps one by one
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To know that his hair will never tickle
your shoulder as he kisses the spot at
the nape of your neck
to think of the years gone by with a smile
and think of the years to come with emptiness.
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They say that life goes on
and you learn that yes it does
but sometimes there are mornings
when you wake and feel so lost and alone.
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Often it seems time stops
then you find the way
that he has come and let you know it's okay
Move along but don't forget
The love is near and still strong.

Happy Pi Day!

Happy Pi Day. March 14. 3/14/ or pi = 3.14

I had lunch today with two of my neighbors. It was Debbie's birthday and our youngish male neighbor Keith (who helps her around the house) invited me to join them. He and I are LOST buddies - the wonderful tv show that is on wednesday nights.

The lunch was at Red Lobster and was very nice. Talking to Debbie, who has lived across the street from me for 8 years and getting to know Keith a little better. Debbie and I are neighborly, saying hi and sharing gossip when we see each other, but not really into each others lives. When we sat down at the table, she told me right away how much she missed Jim and his greeting her when he saw her on the street. She said he always took time to say hello. It was a good remembrance and a memory that I had forgotten. As she was telling me, right away I remembered him waving to her from the truck and as we came out of the house and she was going in or out of her house. He was like that with all our neighbors.

Keith had never met Jim so we moved on to other subjects. Mostly gossip about the other neighbors, comparing notes on the new ones and wondering about the ones that have moved away.

When we got home I took the dogs out for a walk before the rain came. The rain was actually just a sprinkle that lasted a few hours. The dogs hate to go out back to do their business when it is raining. But it is funny, if it was raining and I were to say 'walk', they would be up and ready with no problem.

I figured out using a dog age calculator that Mercury is 45 in human years and Tigger is 49 in human years. Figaro the cat is 77!! In real life, Mercury is acting like an 80 yr old and Tigger is acting like a 25 yr old.

Sound of Music

Think, Sound of Music. Julie Andrews.

Oh wait, not Julie Andrews but rather the oldest girl who is in love with the young man that becomes a member of Hitler's Nazi's and betrays them (Rowlf?). But this is before that - out in the yard, in the pagoda..."You are 16 going on 17, baby its time to think..." (humming, 'doo do doo da da do doo' ... I can't remember the rest of the words).

Now think. It's Wednesday. Tomorrow is Thursday.

And this came into my head "It is wednesday, going on thursday, oh what thiiings to do, pretty in pink and oh what to think, I better get back to work..." Of course, sung following the same tune as 16 going on 17. And I am in purple not pink, but that doesn't rhyme as well.

So that will be the song running thru my head today. Oh boy. Often that happens. A song I hear or even just reminded of, will start running thru and then never leave. I try to get it out by thinking of other songs and that works for awhile, but it comes back.

The real issue today is a post I read on a message board that I frequent. The OP (original poster) wrote -
"Love Is A Fallacy - Let's stop kidding ourselves. Love is nothing more than a result of the various serotonin and dopamine levels in our bodies. To suggest anything otherwise is a fool's errand."

Then followed 4 pages of other posters trying to get him to see that love is a great thing and can happen to anyone. It was good to see how many people believe in love and have found love. Many others that say they haven't found 'the right one' are still holding on to the idea that there is someone to share there life with, even if they haven't yet.

The first poster said in later posts that he hasn't found his 'perfect woman' and doesn't think she will show up. Many more posts about him getting up and going out, meeting people and even being more flexible in his standards or 'dream girl'.

I wrote a long post about meeting the 'right one' and how even if he wasn't my dream guy, he was the right one for me. As I wrote it I thought about what my dream guy is and realized that my dream has changed. What I wanted 20 years ago is not what I know I need or want now. Of course not, because I am not the same as I was then. I thought about how anyone could match the emotions I feel for Jim and realized also that of course they couldn't, but that doesn't mean new emotions won't come along. I can't say I could love someone else, at least not at this point, but I also realize from reading what others have written that it may be possible. Or, it may not, who knows. I did realize that I can be flexible in my expectations and that is something I see as important in a relationship.

I deleted the post I was going to send. Mainly because I don't think he would get it. I wasn't saying much different then what others had written and he was not understanding it. I feel sorry that he seems to have closed himself up so much. And I am happy to have found love with Jim, but also love with my friends.

Stronger

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Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.

~Emily Brontë ~

A coworker gave me a card that has this quote on the front. The inside was blank, just a note from her saying she thought of me when she saw this.
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I started looking through that vast dark hole of the internet search engine and found some quotes from others that touched that 'Jim' spot in my heart. Some of the authors were a surprise, and yet, right on with the sentiment and feeling they touched.
Love is stronger than death.
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Grief and tragedy and hatred are only for a time. Goodness, remembrance and love have no end. -- George W. Bush
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There are never enough "I Love You's".
-- Lenny Bruce
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There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.
-- Nicholas Sparks
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Love is like a friendship caught on fire.In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.
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As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable
-- Bruce Lee
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“Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

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Spring forward

It is the Spring Forward day. I like that better than the lose an hour description. Spring forward sounds happier. Glass half fullish. However, it does make tomorrow come a little quicker.

My plan tomorrow is to help a good friend unpack at the new apartment. She moved today and wanted some company as she set things up. She has helped me and Jim with our move from Boston to here so I am glad I can help back. It is what friends do for each other.

I have had help from many friends these past couple years and it is appreciated. There are times when just knowing that the friends are there has helped me get through painful moments when all was very bleak. Let alone, being able to call them if the painful moment gets too painful and hear another human voice.

Sharing some of the fun in life with friends has been very important too. I am happy when I hear the laughter from others and in turn I get to laugh. I especially like it when it is humor that I spread, a joke or comment that I made and that someone actually 'got'.

Today was one of those nice warm days that got me energized. It sounds like I have been doing nothing but cleaning, but if you look around the house you won't notice it. It is just that so much needed to be done, that doing what I have has made a difference to me. You know, when you find that laundry basket in the closet that has shirts in it you haven't seen in a couple months and don't remember how it got there, but when you wash them it is just great to have the shirts back.

Walking the dogs tonight was pleasant. They were revved up because it was still 60 degrees or so and they listened well when I was calling them. Just seeing them run across the field is a pleasure.

Going to bed calm and relaxed for a change.

Shoppers world

What a fantastic day it is going to be!

As I type it is actually 69 degrees outside!!! Wheeeee!!! After the lion of a storm that March brought to us last week, this is a nice way lambish day.

Much of the drudgery of laundry, dusting and such will be done with windows open and the music playing. Two loads of wash have already been done. Finding a home for the clothes may be the chore, but maybe as I type this, I will make up some bags for charity donations.

I must admit a minor indulgence. I now have a 'kitty litter changer'. A service that comes to the house, drops of new litter boxes with litter in them and picks up the old one. Oh, it sounds really really wasteful of money and I may not be able to do it for long, but for a mere $8.00 a week, it means I don't have to handle the job I hate most. Dog poop, I can deal with. Kitty litter for some reason is no fun and I avoided it to the point of a smelly basement. It made me happy to think that tomorrow I can go down and do some work in the basement without cleaning up the cat stuff first. It made me actually almost excited? to be doing the stuff I have been putting off. So, I guess it is worth it.

On a similiar note of getting past things I have been avoiding. The second half of the blog post is painful.

Last night I was bopping around to Sam's Club and then needed a grocery store. Close by was the one that Jim and I always, every sunday, went there. I actually have been avoiding that store because sometimes I would drive by thinking 'should I go there' and get the goosebumps that say 'no, not yet'. I went last night because it was later, I was in a rush, and I admit, I was trying to be brave and strong. I failed. I had my first big true meltdown, in awhile.

I should have turned around in the parking lot when I started wheeling the cart and felt the tightening in the chest. I went ahead, walked in and was immediately inundated with memories. Still pressing on, I went to the deli counter and I think if the deli lady that served us for years - long enough to know our names and that Jim liked spiced ham - if she had been there it would have been worse. Can one deli person make a difference. Yes. Anyway, she wasn't, I ordered my turkey and cheese and liverwurst. I turned to go and saw the spiced ham. I started crying. Tried to stop. Rolled over into the meat section and stood in the empty area and cried. Sounds pathetic. I didn't even have a tissue. I laugh as I type this - I used the receipt from Sam's club to blow my nose *it was not gentle) until I could get to over to the paper goods section and the tissue boxes and open one of them.

Just being assaulted on all levels, sight, sound, even touch of memories of being here with Jim. I have talked before about this, when I walk in someplace and he is there. The things we did, saw, ate, it is inescapable. Yet, in some way, they must be faced and handled. Well, I faced them but I sure didn't handle them right.

Jim and I would go to the store every sunday and the first part of our visit was him out in the parking lot calling his siblings. He had 3 brothers and a sister and he would call them to say hello, see how they were doing and just keep a tab on the family. The second part of our visit was him coming in to help me finish the shopping, which means: making suggestions as to what he wants to eat that week, even though I had a good list. Get his blood pressure checked at the pharmacy, make sure we had tastykakes and ice, and in general act like a husband.

So I moved to the bathroom, cried a little more and then washed my face. I really whizzed thru the rest of the store. The one thing I did remember as I was shopping was why we would drive 20 minutes out of our way when there were three other grocery's near us. The prices and the selection. I was buying stuff last night that was hard to find in other stores. Simple things like Bush's chili beans and frozen veggie mix of onion and peppers. I got lots of both of them so I will have them in stock for a bit.

Got to the check out and the memories exploded again. Jim, Jim, Jim. Standing at the end of the checkout and bagging stuff. He would always be joking with the cashier and talking about how this would be his retirement job. This is what he would do when he was old and gray. Ouch and ouch.

I am not sure if I can make it into that store again. I would like to say I am strong enough to make these good rememberances and not painful memories. For now, I am going to let it work thru me and go out and enjoy the sun. Writing has helped. It always does.

First fun for the sunny day? Oh, you guessed it.....cleaning up the dog poopie and planting some daffodil bulbs!

Me

Me, at variouis stages of childhood. Enjoy!

Dreamweaver

Today I received my "Award of Recognition" for the class in Dreamweaver web design that I took in the month of February. The class was at a local community college in the continueing education section. There were about 20 of us old timers trying to figure out what all this Html stuff means.

The instructor was great and very patient with our questions, problems and in my case, bad jokes. I found that I enjoyed the classroom environment. I am going to take the class that is next step up and keep going.

Dreamweaver is a web design style that I have been using for the last year or so. We had a website designer come in and set things up and give me a basic instruction and then leave. I was able to use that for awhile, but then the site needed revamping and changes had to be made. I found that I could do some of the changes just by hodge podging and copy/pasting a bit. That worked so far and now I need to step it up.

Learning from square one was interesting because some of the things I knew, some of the things I was already doing, but not in the right way so this showed me the better smarter way, and some things I would never have even thought to do and that made this class all the more worth it.

This is another item on that list of things that I can do since Jim is gone. I can take some night classes. Also on that list is eating mint chocolate chip ice cream (Jim hated mint). I don't mean that he would have minded me taking the class, but there was just never any time. No, Jim was a strong advocate of furthering our education and we even took an adult ed class together one time. One of the blog posts I talked about that class - sign language - and our adventure during the class. With Jim it was always some kind of adventure.

I am going to have fun as I start making changes to the website. Making some tweaks here and there, adding photos, rearranging text and creating links to new pages. Yep, that sounds like fun to me.

Rondo

A big part of my life has been spent in the world of science fiction, fantasy and 'what if'. Jim and I both embraced the genre's and the knowing that we both got the same enjoyment from it, made it extra special. He got a bigger kick out of horror films then I did, but then I like musicals more than he did. Though, I can say, there are some horror movies I like just as t here are some musicals he enjoyed.

Well, a good friend sent me a link to a site. It is a Rondo Award time he said. I had no idea what that meant but as I looked over the ballot, I realized it is a ballot ripe for other horror/science fiction lovers.
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http://www.rondoaward.com/

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It would be great if any of you would like to take this a step further and fill it out. If you do, I would like to suggest that for Category 18 - Best Horror Host of 2008 - you vote for my friends Gravely MacCabre and Grizelda. My friend Marty is part of their troupe so any votes are appreciated.

The awards and ballot is something that I haven't heard of before, but would not be surprised to learn that many of my friends do know about it. With this ballet you can select the best of Horror, Science fiction in all the formats - film, tv, magazine, books, conventions, even the best collectible figure. My vote is for "The Birds Barbie" seen to the right here. There is alot to view and choose from.

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The list is worth looking at even if you don't vote, just for the choices and information that is there. However, if you want to vote, it is easy. Just copy the ballot, paste it into an email and make your selections. I made my selections by cutting out everything else in that catagory that I didn't want to vote for. It made it easier for me to keep track.
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It is interesting sometimes what we find ourselves sharing.

Technically 21

It was a short February. Only 28 days. The 29th of the month is actually today. March 1st. Or I guess it isn't. So, 21 months since Jim died is not really a day.

At 21 months, looking back, seems like a longer trip than it sounds. The last month has been one that has just let me stop for more than a couple quick breaths and then on to try and grab the fast moving train that is life right now.

There is one thing I am doing now that I haven't before and that is talking out loud to Jim. I have talked to him in my head, but never really walked around the house speaking to him. I am now. Maybe that is just lonliness, but I am thinking it is more me still feeling his presence. And I like that.

TGIF who is knocking?

Wow. What a way to start the day.

I am almost all ready for work, just to the point of putting on clothes and running out the door. Oh, I do this last because of the dog hair that adheres to work clothing if I am in it as I have breakfast and such. Suddenly there is a loud knock on the door. The dogs are not barking. I run down in tee shirt and sweats and there is a volunteer from the church asking for my key to the parish house which I tell him I can't give or lend him. He left his cell phone there. He needs it. He will wait for me to get ready. I go GrrrrGrrrr a couple times, I run back upstairs, change and run back down. He drives me the three blocks to the church, I run in, get his phone and he drives me back home. I jump in the car and go to work. I am only five minutes late, so I am happy.

What a great way to start a Friday. Blood is pumping, stress and blood pressure up. The volunteer is an older man that does great work but has been known to lend his copy of the key out to others of less secure nature. The locks have been changed and he was not given a new key for this reason.

I called the Pastor Alice to let her know of this morning fun and she said thank you for sticking to your guns. The ironic twist was that I thought it was her knocking on the door because we had gone out for supplies for the church just last night and she said she would drop them off at my house today. She has also watched my dogs so I thought that may be why they weren't barking.
Well the volunteer event I thought of and organized is happening tomorrow. Say prayers that all goes well and without too many hitches. The church I volunteer at is not of my faith acclimation but is connected to my job (and the pastor is a neighbor and my dog sitter). I have been in the parish house many months doing Energy assistance applications for residents and assisting in affordable housing and utility turn off notices. It is paperwork, but it is dealing with people in need.

I have looked around and seen things that are in desperate need of repair for the church. A handicap ramp that is wood but the wood is rotting away, windows needing some winterization, a couple rooms in the parish house needing cleaning, the food pantry organized and new shelves constructed. I went to our neighborhood improvement group and suggested a 'give it back to the church' day. The church is a strong part of the neighborhood and gives much to both permanent residents and the homeless in need, but still also residents of our community. So it came together and we are going to be busy tomorrow. Hoorah!!

I will look at this morning as a glass half full and say the encounter got my blood fulling and mind working and that is a good thing on any day.

Movie watching cleaning

I am stalling here. Stalling because today I am going to try (again) to complete the one hour cleaning in a room. The theory is fifteen minutes, but I know my rooms won't handle that.

That said I am going to clean Jim style. With headphones on and music cranked so I can focus on the cleaning. It was a quirk of his. After a couple hours of that, I take the headphones off and pop in a movie. A long epic that I know well and can move through the house listening to if I am not in the same room as it is playing. He would do that also.

The movie watching- cleaning was amusing because he had some particular movies he would watch - Gone with the wind, Giant, Ben hur, Patton, Cleopatra, and The Ten Commandments, just to name a few. He would go thru a room cleaning and dusting and vacuuming while I was in another room cleaning. He would be reciting lines sometimes and sometimes it would get quiet and I would hear just the movie, stick my head in the room and see him watching a critical scene. Of course, these were movies he knew almost by heart, but he still would stop to watch. It always made me smile. Coming in to sit next to him and having him cuddle for a moment till the scene was over made it all worthwhile.

So I am going to start this cleaning thing now. And listen to some music and watch a movie.

No milestones

I was reading a friends blog and was struck by something she wrote "No milestones today. I just have a missing/longing this evening; not a down, so much as a low-key sadness."

That is about how I have felt the last couple days. No major traumas or crying episodes, but just a missing/longing. The realization comes again that my life is moving on without Jim. That there are friends I have now, that have never met him and only know him from my accounts.

I realized while driving to the store that the pain has really become subdued. That feeling of my chest being ripped open. The That it is held back by alot of other daily and forward moving needs in my life. The needs of surviving. Of going

Last night, walking back from my car, with my hands full of groceries, I felt the cold wind that smacking me across the face and ripping across my chest. The sky was dark, the night quiet and all I wanted was to go home and find Jim on the couch with the dogs. It would have made the chill go away in an instant. I bowed my head and push onward, counting the steps till I got to my stairs. I went up them knowing there would be no Jim. Going up them a step at a time and getting the door open and being greeted by the three warm loving friends helped a lot.

Did I say three? Yep, that's right gang, the cat that wouldn't have a thing to do with me for 10 years and took months to complete his grieving is now a good friend. Figaro wants to be in on all the attention when it is handed out. It is an amusing and pleasant surprise.

So, gone are the dreams of two, replaced by the needs of one to survive. It seems the pain is subdued by the daily grind that the living must continue. Carry on. If I reach for it, I can feel the wound, the pain, the anguish that is my loss of Jim. Sometimes it bubbles to the surface with a phrase or photo to trigger it. More often the low key sadness and longing is there. Yes. And I am moving thru the days and doing that thing I never thought I would do. Living.

Granddad and Dad and sons

I found some pics of my Grandfather and Dad and Dad and his sons (my older brother in the 3rd pic and my younger brother in the 4th pic).

I smile as I look at them because you can see the genes coming through. I now know why I have this big forehead - thanks Granddad! I have my Dad's eyebrows - the shape anyway, not the thickness thank god! Family's are fun to delve into.

A leaf on the wind

Me and the cute guy above, oh yeah. That is Alan Tudyk and he was a guest at the science fiction convention I was at this past weekend. I have a small 'brag'. On friday night there was a dinner banquet and afterwards he came around to some of the tables and was chatting with us.

As he reached our table I was trying to think of what to say. Well, he practically fed me the line. In a very natural voice, like he was talking to a long time friend, he said to me "oh man, Joss's new show is starting right now!" I chuckled, leaned towards him and asked why he didn't pull his iphone out and use that to program his direct tv from it. It was a great moment. His face lit up and he laughed and he is a lot cuter in real life than on screen.

The reason I said that particular line is because of this new commercial he is in for Direct tv, when during a bank robbery his friend is using the phone to make sure they don't miss a show. I saw the commercial a few times before I realized it was Alan (and the sidekick from Pysch too).

The next day when Alan was signing autographs, I got this picture taken with him. He was a wonderful guest star and very personable.

The Doppler effect

My friend Thomas came over tonight to help make a vision into a reality. I am going this weekend to a Star Trek convention. While there I will be guest hosting a panel that will discuss a new tv show. The Big Bang Theory. It is a fun show about guys that are smart and geeky. That collect comics and action figures and go to cons.
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In one episode they all attend a Halloween party. Sheldon is a super smart, yet bad in public social situations geek. His costume was The Doppler Effect. A series of white stripes on a black shirt and the impression of them getting wider and thus louder. No one at the party seems to get it and thinks he is a zebra. His persistance in the validity of his costume made it special because as a movie/convention going geek, I have worn many a costume that maybe only I got. But it didn't matter, the costumes were still appreciated by the fans around me.

Here is Sheldon and his Doppler Effect costume from the show.
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My version is just a shirt (I couldn't copy the pants) and not quite so many stripes, but I am very proud of it. I didn't do much more then think of it and get Thomas to help me. I baked him cookies while he put stripes on the shirt. It came out great. I will be interested to see if any recognizes me tomorrow....of if they all think I am a zebra.

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Matchstick legs and 9 red trucks

What a memory rush. I was going thru old emails and found some I wrote to a friend. This first one I sent to her on May 14, 2007. Just 15 days before Jim's death. There are three total and they go back in time newest to oldest. I read these and laughed and cried at the memory of that 'other life' I had.

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Hi,
I wanted to tell you the fun we had yesterday. You will get a kick out of this. Jim and I went up to Walmarts. Boy did they love us there. Spent about 300.00 and most of it was on clothes.

Jim has a new job and is stressed out to the max. He has been working at this US Postal station as a supervisor and as the newest of three, he is getting the butt end of the supervisors job. Soooo, we went to the Walmart to get kitty litter, fly traps and some dvd sleeves for the notebooks.

Ha ha. I tell you, he went wild and got a couple dress shirts for the summer, 2 dvd movies, some new sandals, some new around the house slippery type shoes, a new watch w/light so he can see it at night and most amazing....a pair of shorts. Shorts you say? well, Jim hasn't worn shorts in the summer since....um....since....yeah. I don't remember when. He wore them when he got home and looked very cute. Matchstick legs and white as a ghost. But he said he was comfortable so that is good.

I was very good at Walmart and only got a couple things - and they were on the clearance racks! I will say that for spending the money, Jim has worked for it. His job (as I was saying earlier before I got distracted with men in shorts) has been working him from 9am till 9 or 10 pm. 6 days a week for the last two weeks. That means almost 30 hours overtime. After his normal 40hrs. He is exhausted and wants to just lay down. But he keeps on going. He is a fighter. So, we went shopping for him.

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And another email to my friend this one dated october 30th 2006

Hi,
I saw that you called and I tried to call back but just got your voicemail.

Jim and I had our usual Sunday ride. We like to go for a ride out of the city about once a month, sometimes more - just to get away from it all.

We piled into the truck, hook up the iPod and drove up 83 north towards PA. You know as much as I loved being in NH with you, I really want to live in PA someday. Anyway we got to see some muted Fall leaves and enjoy the fall air. After a bit we turned off of 83 north and went onto the adventure of the smaller country roads. This is always the part I love. It's why visiting you is so much fun.

To look at the country houses, some very old, some from the 60 and 70's and some very new McMansions. To see the horses grazing in the fields and the lines of white fences. Maryland is a horse country state. We also had the fun of getting a little lost. I say a little because we knew from the where the sun was in the sky that we were heading in the right direction - just taking the long way to get there. It made it much more fun.

Jim was singing both BeeGees and Toby Keith and I was belting out Donna Summer and Footloose and some Meatloaf. Mostly off key, but still with enthusiasm.We did get to stop and pick up some pumpkins at a roadside stand. We saw within two miles of a group of houses no less than nine red trucks. Different brands and ages, but all red. Oh Sandy we laughed because we were in a red truck too. I guess red is a good truck color.

We went over two bridges, over the same river, only at different spots and going two different directions. Saw 17 scarecrows hanging in various parts of the yards and in various degrees of realism and decoration. Guess scarecrows are a natural Halloween decoration out in the countryland. Oh and ask Jim about the getting lost and not caring. We had fun with that today.

Came home, made some popcorn and watched Wrath of Khan. Hadn't seen that without commercials in awhile.All in all, it was a good day. I think the dogs were mad because they didn't go with us, but we took them for a long walk and they are collapsed at our feet.

Things are looking good for a drive up there maybe sometime in the summer. If you come down this way let us know.

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And just one more, this one was dated January 18th, 2006 - a lifetime ago.

Hi,
I am glad to hear you had a good week and that Michael and Jake are feeling better. I hate when everyone in the house is sick at once.

Last night here it was great. We sat cuddled up on the couch, with the dogs on either side of us. Jim and I were watching tv - Smallville then the 24 episode we had been saving to watch. Thank you for telling us about Tivo!

You know, all we needed was some hot chocolate and popcorn to make it really perfect - of course, neither hot chocolate or popcorn would last with mercury or tigger there. It would be spilled or have to be held way up high and then eaten a little at a time and they would be wagging tails and drooling and whining for some. And Jim would have given it to them.

So we enjoyed a couple hours of cuddling and warm bodies and our favorite tv characters in high tension situations and that was good enough. I know Michael watches Smallville, what does he think of it this season?

Well, it was a nice night. And as usual, the dishes didn't get done last night. Nope, the trash was not taken out. We just allieviated ourselves from the daily drudgerys. Wheeee! that was fun, but it wasn't fun this morning when I did them. Oh well. You have to pay the price.

At your place we could have been watching the fire and the tv. Here we were just staring at the tv - and it was right where the fireplace is. Only the fireplace doesnt work - all closed off. If we had the money and were going to redecorate, I would take the mantle out and build an entertainment center there instead - shelves for dvds and tape and components and tivos and recorders. I keep sitting there and imagining it. I just can't get Jim to take the plunge and take the mantle down.

Oh Mercury and Tigger were pretty happy. They got to lay up on the couch with mommy and daddy. They love that and each pick one of us to cuddle to and then they have to decide the other is having it better and switch. Like normal kids, just as the show got exciting they decided it was time to play tug of war right in front of the tv. I thought of Jake and his 'must have a juicy cup' routine and told it to Jim. What a hoot that kid is. He keeps you on your toes I know.

All the rest of our life is pretty about normal. Jim has a long commute, I have a short one. We both enjoy our jobs and I still want to move. Oh well. What will be will be.

Radiance

That though the radiance which was once so bright,
be now forever taken from my sight.
Though nothing can bring back the hour,
of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower.
We will grieve not, rather find,
strength in what remains behind.

by William Wordsworth

I had another post that I have been working on, but I heard this quote and just had to share it. The poem is called "Ode - Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood"

billy joel and william shatner

While talking with some friends next door we discussed singers and concerts we have seen. I was reminded of the concert to see Billy Joel in Boston back in '98 or '99 (?).

Jim got tickets as surprise, he knew how much both of us enjoyed Billy Joel and it was a great present. Neither of us are concert goers and as some different and something very we could appreciate it was a great choice.

Billy Joel was fantastic.

We went to the Fleet Center in Boston and had dinner before we got there. Some of the fun was found in going to the Center, getting settled in our seats and watching the preshow fun. Then to see Billy Joel come out on stage and to hear him perform all of our favorites, well, that was just amazing. We had no problem standing and cheering at the end.

Suprises like this were something that Jim was very good at. He loved to plan them out. When we were dating he took to see William Shatner speak. He didn't tell me where we were going. It was another one of those moments when things clicked in my head and I knew I didn't want to let him go.

There was the time I was training a new manager up in Boston (before we moved there) and was staying at a hotel for 3 weeks. Jim showed up for a surprise weekend visit. He arranged everything and it was very sweet. He said it was because he was tired of his own cooking. Ha. He told me that he made a huge bowl of tunafish and ate that for a week and then a huge bowl of spaghetti and ate that for a week. And I can see that. He would often have food binges. Not binges like over eating, but rather where he would eat the same thing for two or three days in a row.

There were the little surprises like the flowers he would come home with on friday afternoons. For no reason other then it was friday. On the flip side, I know there were things I did for him as pleasant surprises, but none come to mind right now. I guess he could remember some if he was asked.

thumbs

I have found myself kind of weepy the last couple days. I think it is the because I am experiencing some of the moving forward without Jim feeling.

Driving to my cinema club meeting the other night I got teary and couldn't put a finger on why. Other than, Jim should have been driving and me in the passenger seat.

Then there is the story of the sliver under my nail. I did dishes and was washing a wooden spoon and a small sliver went right up under my thumbnail. OW! that hurt and I can understand the use of it in torture now. I thought I got it out but wasn't sure. It got a bit swollen last night and throbbing so I went to the Patient First clinic near me. The guy had to numb my thumb, slice the nail down the center and clean it out. He said I had really hard nails and that there wasn't much of a sliver left, but there was a lot of pus and that was what made it swell.

Before he did the minor cut, I was in the room by myself. And I was feeling very lonely and kept looking over to the chair where Jim would be if he was with me. I closed my eyes and imagined his laugh and wanted to feel his grip in mine. I got weepy about him not being there. Damn it.

So I am home now and with antibiotics and vicodin for pain it has not been too bad. Typing is kind of weird, but I am learning to type with the side of my thumb, so it works.