22 and still going.

I have been thinking of posting for a few days, but every time I sit down to look at the screen I am overwhelmed and tired.
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This week I learned that our dog, Mercury has tongue cancer. They called it squamous cell carcinoma. I have been spoon feeding him to make sure he gets enough water and food into his mouth. He can't chew. In fact that was what made me take him in the first place, he had gotten so slow in eating his food I thought he had a broken tooth or something like that. I never saw the things on his tongue. In fact the vet didn't even see them until Merc yawned in front of her. She didn't even look for something on his tongue.
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That was a ride this week. Last saturday, going in to the vets, the exam and them telling me there are lesions on the tongue and we need to biopsy them. Then Wednesday going in to drop him off, going in later to pick him up and the care and feeding. It was Thursday that the vet gave me 'the call'. Telling me that he has the squamous cell carcinoma and she started the 'so that means so many days to live' speech. I was in shock and ran thru those 5 grieving emotions really quick - shock, anger, denial, sadness, anger, shock, reorganization and anger (i listed more on purpose there).
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I spent the afternoon learning what I could about this cancer in dogs, and then making phone calls to specialty vets in the area. And then being shuffled from oncology vet to dentistry vet to surgical specialist vet...finally to learn that until the biopsy comes back nothing is definate. I called a regular vet in Baltimore, close to home and made an appt for him to look at Mercury. A second opinion and a way to establish a vet close by. We had been to him once before. They were able to see Mercury on Saturday morning. He gave me a much more positive feel to the situation then my other vet (which is another reason I was changing) and he offered some good advice on how to keep Mercury comfortable, still eating and some options to think about when the results come in. He didn't start with the "speech" he started with "we may be able to do some surgery and it may or may not help". Maybe that is unwarranted hope, I don't know. I will know later this week. I just left his office feeling calmer.
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I found the picture of "Professor Mercury" while looking for some others. The look on Mercury's face "mom help me" had me laughing. Jim loved to do things like this to the dogs and he always thought Mercury was near sighted because of how his eyes focused. He thought the reading glasses might help. He enjoyed these dogs and adored him.
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Lots of dreams about Jim this week. It has been very comforting and I like waking with his face in my head. I only wish he could come to me when I was doing my taxes and tell me where which numbers go.
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And to totally switch subjects, a thought I had last night and wrote here before writing all the Merucury stuff -
"Watching tv tonight I realized just how much I miss having Jim kissing me. I enjoyed his kisses and my kissing him. Any kind, from those deep romantic I love you ones to the light pass by think of you kisses and especially the super erotic ones that made my mind go blank. I also miss having someone to scratch my back. "
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Month 22 and I am thinking of what to do for the two year mark. I didn't really do anything really special for year one but I wanted to. I still want to plant a couple trees but I am just not sure where they could go and I would want them to be allowed to grow free and tall. I wish I could find the people that got his cornea's. The organ donation sociey said that each one went to a different person, so he was able to help them see again. As odd as it sounds, it would be nice to look at someone and know that Jim is still there.