Saturday, March 7, 2009

Shoppers world

What a fantastic day it is going to be!

As I type it is actually 69 degrees outside!!! Wheeeee!!! After the lion of a storm that March brought to us last week, this is a nice way lambish day.

Much of the drudgery of laundry, dusting and such will be done with windows open and the music playing. Two loads of wash have already been done. Finding a home for the clothes may be the chore, but maybe as I type this, I will make up some bags for charity donations.

I must admit a minor indulgence. I now have a 'kitty litter changer'. A service that comes to the house, drops of new litter boxes with litter in them and picks up the old one. Oh, it sounds really really wasteful of money and I may not be able to do it for long, but for a mere $8.00 a week, it means I don't have to handle the job I hate most. Dog poop, I can deal with. Kitty litter for some reason is no fun and I avoided it to the point of a smelly basement. It made me happy to think that tomorrow I can go down and do some work in the basement without cleaning up the cat stuff first. It made me actually almost excited? to be doing the stuff I have been putting off. So, I guess it is worth it.

On a similiar note of getting past things I have been avoiding. The second half of the blog post is painful.

Last night I was bopping around to Sam's Club and then needed a grocery store. Close by was the one that Jim and I always, every sunday, went there. I actually have been avoiding that store because sometimes I would drive by thinking 'should I go there' and get the goosebumps that say 'no, not yet'. I went last night because it was later, I was in a rush, and I admit, I was trying to be brave and strong. I failed. I had my first big true meltdown, in awhile.

I should have turned around in the parking lot when I started wheeling the cart and felt the tightening in the chest. I went ahead, walked in and was immediately inundated with memories. Still pressing on, I went to the deli counter and I think if the deli lady that served us for years - long enough to know our names and that Jim liked spiced ham - if she had been there it would have been worse. Can one deli person make a difference. Yes. Anyway, she wasn't, I ordered my turkey and cheese and liverwurst. I turned to go and saw the spiced ham. I started crying. Tried to stop. Rolled over into the meat section and stood in the empty area and cried. Sounds pathetic. I didn't even have a tissue. I laugh as I type this - I used the receipt from Sam's club to blow my nose *it was not gentle) until I could get to over to the paper goods section and the tissue boxes and open one of them.

Just being assaulted on all levels, sight, sound, even touch of memories of being here with Jim. I have talked before about this, when I walk in someplace and he is there. The things we did, saw, ate, it is inescapable. Yet, in some way, they must be faced and handled. Well, I faced them but I sure didn't handle them right.

Jim and I would go to the store every sunday and the first part of our visit was him out in the parking lot calling his siblings. He had 3 brothers and a sister and he would call them to say hello, see how they were doing and just keep a tab on the family. The second part of our visit was him coming in to help me finish the shopping, which means: making suggestions as to what he wants to eat that week, even though I had a good list. Get his blood pressure checked at the pharmacy, make sure we had tastykakes and ice, and in general act like a husband.

So I moved to the bathroom, cried a little more and then washed my face. I really whizzed thru the rest of the store. The one thing I did remember as I was shopping was why we would drive 20 minutes out of our way when there were three other grocery's near us. The prices and the selection. I was buying stuff last night that was hard to find in other stores. Simple things like Bush's chili beans and frozen veggie mix of onion and peppers. I got lots of both of them so I will have them in stock for a bit.

Got to the check out and the memories exploded again. Jim, Jim, Jim. Standing at the end of the checkout and bagging stuff. He would always be joking with the cashier and talking about how this would be his retirement job. This is what he would do when he was old and gray. Ouch and ouch.

I am not sure if I can make it into that store again. I would like to say I am strong enough to make these good rememberances and not painful memories. For now, I am going to let it work thru me and go out and enjoy the sun. Writing has helped. It always does.

First fun for the sunny day? Oh, you guessed up the dog poopie and planting some daffodil bulbs!


Rach said...

Tackling those big milestones is SO hard. Big HUGS for that.

I'm reveling in the sunny spring even as I lie inside ill. :sigh: First nice day of the season and I'm sick--it figures. ;oP Enjoy your day, Betsy!

Oh, as for the kitty litter service, GO for it! If it's a job you really can't stand, it's worth the cost. :o)

Stella said...

I remember having to force myself to go into "our" store about four days after Andy died. I didn't want to at all, but the next nearest grocery was too far away to be practical for weekly shopping. I know what you mean about certain grocery items causing a meltdown. In my case it was Instant Breakfast.

Enjoy the spring and your garden. I need to get out into mine and do some planting.