Friday, February 20, 2009

No milestones

I was reading a friends blog and was struck by something she wrote "No milestones today. I just have a missing/longing this evening; not a down, so much as a low-key sadness."

That is about how I have felt the last couple days. No major traumas or crying episodes, but just a missing/longing. The realization comes again that my life is moving on without Jim. That there are friends I have now, that have never met him and only know him from my accounts.

I realized while driving to the store that the pain has really become subdued. That feeling of my chest being ripped open. The That it is held back by alot of other daily and forward moving needs in my life. The needs of surviving. Of going
Last night, walking back from my car, with my hands full of groceries, I felt the cold wind that smacking me across the face and ripping across my chest. The sky was dark, the night quiet and all I wanted was to go home and find Jim on the couch with the dogs. It would have made the chill go away in an instant. I bowed my head and push onward, counting the steps till I got to my stairs. I went up them knowing there would be no Jim. Going up them a step at a time and getting the door open and being greeted by the three warm loving friends helped a lot.
Did I say three? Yep, that's right gang, the cat that wouldn't have a thing to do with me for 10 years and took months to complete his grieving is now a good friend. Figaro wants to be in on all the attention when it is handed out. It is an amusing and pleasant surprise.

So, gone are the dreams of two, replaced by the needs of one to survive. It seems the pain is subdued by the daily grind that the living must continue. Carry on. If I reach for it, I can feel the wound, the pain, the anguish that is my loss of Jim. Sometimes it bubbles to the surface with a phrase or photo to trigger it. More often the low key sadness and longing is there. Yes. And I am moving thru the days and doing that thing I never thought I would do. Living.


Lynnbug said...

What a great post. You are always so honest with how you feel and you express those feeling so well. Even though I didnt know Jim and I only know you from following your blog, I feel like Jim would be very proud of you and your acomplishments. He must be smiling down on you!

Rach said...

Yes, Betsy, that explains it perfectly. I couldn't quite find the words and you did. Thank you.

Betts4 said...

Thank you, I can bet that he is both smiling and shaking his head at me.
Gosh, I am rereading that and noting typos, but also I am making myself cry. If I said I don't want the pain to be gone because I don't want to lose the last part of Jim that I have to keep him real....the pain. To still feel for him keeps him alive within me and not just a memory on a shelf.