Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Wednesday morning

Starting the day waking to a dream that makes you really notice the empty side of the bed. Mainly because it wasn't empty in the dream.

This morning during my dream state I had a conversation with an old boyfriend. I can't remember what we talked about, but I remember his face very clearly. Dodge boy (his nickname) from my college years.

He and Jim, they walked up to me together. Dodge boy and I talked and Jim chuckled beside us at some of the witty things I said - I don't know now what they were, then as I watched he and Jim melded into one and we lay down. I closed my eyes - I guess I was going to sleep while I was already sleeping - and felt him behind me. In the dream I woke to know that his arms were around me and the weight was pushing on my ribs and annoying, like it used to be. I reached to move his arm down a little, again, a common over the years manuever, and that's when I woke up for real.

I woke with his heat still on my back and the very clear remeberance of moving the arm. It was an almost nightly ritual and I don't know if I have thought about it in months. And I could still in my mind see both Jim's and Dodge boy's faces.

As I got ready for work, I was overwhelmed with the need to write and just sat and let it flow. This is what came out.

His laugh is not to be heard again,
those loud joy filled gruffs,
The hands will not be touching
caressing the skin.
To lose the one that makes
you feel that living is worth
you are special to him
because of him, the aches come.
How to fold and pack and give away
moments of your lives
The strength you need to do it
In small steps one by one
To know that his hair will never tickle
your shoulder as he kisses the spot at
the nape of your neck
to think of the years gone by with a smile
and think of the years to come with emptiness.
They say that life goes on
and you learn that yes it does
but sometimes there are mornings
when you wake and feel so lost and alone.
Often it seems time stops
then you find the way
that he has come and let you know it's okay
Move along but don't forget
The love is near and still strong.


Sharon said...

LOVE your words and thoughts, Betsy. Thank you so much for sharing them. Although I haven't quite had the same kind of dream, I do wake up with a lightened heart after dreaming of a physical closeness -- sometimes with a man...sometimes holding a baby or playing with a child -- they're all so satifying, at least for awhile ;)

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful poem. I loved reading it. Your writing is wonderful.:)

Rach said...

How wonderful he was with you. I truly believe that. The poem was lovely as well. HUGS!