Friday, June 22, 2007

Widows diet

I found out today that what I am on is the Widows diet.

The making of food, only to nibble at it. The not even wanting to make food. The going out to eat rather than make food. The eating of the same type of food over and over.

I am experiencing all those. I have had grilled cheese sandwiches three nights in a row and then ate the middle and not the crusts. I have gone out to the Papermoon diner (a really cool place just up the street from me) 3 times in the last two weeks. I have mixed up some trail mix with dried fruit and nuts beacuse I didn't want to cook and mess up some pans.

This is a weird sensation. The feeling of aloneness even in the kitchen. I loved to cook for Jim. And Jim could cook to. Well, he could make really good fried chicken. I did the cooking and he folded laundry. I can fold something to make it come out all neat and lines in the material..while his folding was perfect. Navy perfect.

I may not be eating as much, but I am drinking water and juice and keeping fluids coming in. I think that is because there are a lot going out. And food doesn't seem to have any taste to it. My brain is doing that splitting thing - the logical side says 'eat!', the other side says 'eh, eat.'

I was in Burger king and couldn't even talk myself into a burger or fries. I had an oreo milkshake and that was about it. Of course the milkshake melted so all I really got was some funky flavored mix that once wanted to be a shake.

The not wanting to eat is a common ailment with widows. One reason is the person they ate with for years was gone and thats forever. Another reason is just that there is no reason. When I start to eat I start to feel almost sick. I went shopping and bought things to make me happy and it hurt me to do this. And sad. So the widows diet will help me lose wieght, but not how I wanted it.

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