Sunday, June 17, 2007

Overwhelmed. Sigh.

I am totally wiped out tonight and have no desire to go back to work tomorrow. I went to take a nap at about 5pm and ended up sleeping till 8:30pm. I guess I needed it.

I looked around the house after cleaning the cat litter box and just started crying. There is so much to do. I mean things like pull stuff out of the basement and sort thru boxes of stuff from years ago. But there are things I don't want to get rid of - things that we were keeping till we got a bigger place. Things that were important enough for us to keep.

I know people are going to say 'get rid of it' but I can't. I need to go thru and get rid of some stuff, yes. But there are things that are important to me that no one else will understand. No one else but Jim. I don't want to give those things up yet. I don't even want to be told to give them up, with all the logic behind it. How to make them understand. Jim and I were a team for 17 years and so these things mean something to me. Because they meant something to us.

The basement is a real mess. I mean we have stuff stacked up all over the place. I would like to clean it up but it is so dirty I want to move the stuff to do it. It;s a small basement, in a house in the city with 5 1/2 foot ceiling height and dirt from the ancient stone walls all over everything.

That is what got me crying. I looked around, felt overwhelmed and just knew that anyone besides me wouldn't see what I see. Jim and my life. That is down there. Not just plastic containers of stuff filled to the brim and with dirt and grime on it. Thats not all that is down there. WE are there. Jim and I. When we moved from the large farmhouse in Massachussetts into this small tiny city rowhouse, the plan was to be here a few years, fix it up and then move on.

I think I want to put the boxes of things that have no meaning to anyone but me and Jim in a storage space. So there is someplace that maybe I can go, and pull out a couple boxes a month and look thru them. I am a decent organizer of stuff when I sit down and work on it. I can throw things out. I can also keep things. Yet I know if I suggest this, I will get the quirked eyebrow. Mainly because it will mean asking someone to help me MOVE the stuff. I am not sure if anyone will do that but it won't hurt to ask. Yep, feeling a bit overwhelmed. Sigh.

I really wanted a grilled cheese sandwich tonight while I was crying, all I could think of was a grilled cheese sandwich. I started writing and now am not crying, but still hungry. Maybe its time for some grilled cheese, a glass of cold water and some Dal love.


horatiofrog said...

Packing up the things can be rough. Especially when each item holds so many memories...

CarolChretien said...

Betts...they say you go slow with this stuff...everthing doesn't have to be done right away...let it go...maybe it is not time to rush it.
It is also big decisions should be made in this grief period.
I don't know from experience but I know I would stand and be overwhelmed!
and then do nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is doing something.

Anonymous said...

Don't throw anything away NOW! It's way too soon, and don't let anyone tell you to "let it go". This is your life, his death and your loss. In Grief Therapy I was told you do things in your own time, don't be stampeded or shamed by anyone. Even if they have been through loss it's not your loss.