Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Water water everywhere

"Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink".

I am crying and my eyes hurt. I mean now they hurt even when I am not crying. I have been told to drink water. I am doing that. And I even have droppy things from when I had the lasik eye surgery to use and it doesn't seem to help. I hope I am not hurting something in my eyes, but I can't seem to stop today. I turn around and see something to remind me of Jim. His email address, the Tivo season pass for Smallville, the Bizarro Superman tee shirt he loved so much. Little things. Stupid things. But they are Jim.

It is a very intense feeling to have. This feeling of never. I was walking down the street and said 'oh its a dream'. And then I said, 'ha, its not a dream.' and then said 'ha ha, well see now you are understanding why people go nutso". To grasp that this is not a dream and that our loved one has actually been taken away - not left because of martial problems or not here because of a job or gone to visit someone - but taken. Taken and never to be returned. Oh. It makes my head hurt. And my throat and my chest and someplace further in then any of those places.

I am 45. I don't want to be alone. I really loved the life I had with Jim. I found that I was missing and wanted an arm around tonight watching Jeopardy. And someone else besides me to be yelling out "what is hobbit" "who is khan" "what is cinammon". I want someone else to say "do you think we should have chicken or burgers tonight for dinner?" Or even someone to yell at when the towels are all over the bathroom floor. This is a lot of I wants, to go with the never agains and the I cans. I feel selfish in this way, but I used to have someone that would balance me by saying 'well we can do this, but we can't do that". And then, I would counter him with a more logical way to proceed. See we were ying and yang. He was a very emotional and heart on a sleeve kind of guy. Always trying to help and not even realizing that he was offering to help when someone looked like they needed help - he jumped in. I was the one that sat back and said 'okay we have this much money, lets do this and this'. And then, well, I would jump in to help someone too. Not with money, but we helped with moral support, moving support, job support, food support. Whatever was needed. We were a team.

I have friends that live alone. I used to live alone. I will get used to it. But right now, I am missing my partner. I am going to climb into his flannel shirt and think about his arms around me. Yes, it is 90 degrees here. But its Jims flannel shirt.

Water, water, everywhere. And not a drop to drink.

1 comment:

Ginger D said...

Dear Betsy, I would walk through a grocery store and see old couples together and wonder angrily/sadly why they made it that long and I had only 5 years with my husband. I felt cheated, but couldn't put the blame on anyone or anything. I'm not one for Hallmark statements, but Lennon (no, not the Rusky!) - John Lennon - said, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." Boy, ain't that the truth! Your eyeballs are okay - your tear ducts are understandibly on overdrive. Let them flow.