Friday, June 15, 2007

Almost a whole day

I got through most of a whole day at work without losing it.

Then I went to the bathroom. Who would think that sitting in a stall on a toilet in a ladies room would cause such pain. The 'we're nevers' hit.

We're never going to be able to go see The Simpson's movie. We're never going to go on a trip together again. We're not going to lay in bed reading comics and listening to Futurama again. We're never going to help each other bring the groceries in. We're never going to....

The we're nevers are bad. They can bring you down really fast and really hard.

I sat in the bathroom and cried a little and then got up and washed my face and looked at myself in the mirror. And chuckled a little.

Then the 'now I cans' hit.

Now I can cut my hair. Now I can have mint chocolate chip ice cream. Now I can stay up late. (there is a song out like this...) Now I can....

But I would gladly give up all my I cans, to get one of the Nevers back.

Jim and I had a really wonderful last day together. We didn't know it was a last day, but it couldn't have been better - unless it happened 50 years from now.

We had Memorial day. We were both off work, both relaxed and both enjoying each other. We woke up and said all the weird sexy things that couples say to each other and then we walked our dogs. I usually don't go, but I went that day. We went on to do some grocery shopping and because of Jim's just recent surgery I was the one that manhandled the dog food and heavy items. He was only allowed to lift the toilet paper.

We went to Trader Joes for the first time and that was fun. Jim looked like he worked there with the hawaiin shirt he had on. And then we came home. Relaxed and happy that we got so much done. Jim wanted to go to a movie, so we went to see Spiderman 3. I didn't really care, but I went for him.

Our first date was to a movie - Naked Gun. And funny, I put my hand in the popcorn box the same moment he did, and I was hit with lightening. Later that evening, our first kiss and I was hit even harder. We were married six months from that first date.

So we came home from the movie and relaxed on the couch with the dogs. We both love Columbo and a new dvd was out. So we watched Columbo, got ready for bed and Jim read some comics . "Good night Angel, Sweet dreams". He said that as I was falling asleep. He woke me up a short time later with chest pains, we called 911 and as we reached the hospital he went into a full arrest.

I still wonder if his brother Benny, who died just 2 months earlier, grabbed him so they could play some poker up there.

I am sorry that I will never be able to touch him, love him, laugh with him, but I am thankful for the memories I can share with him.

The Nevers are hard. To get them out helps, but the more you think of them, the more there are to think of....


Darth Marmalade said...

Thomas here. I wondered if you were back at work yet, but for some reason didn't get around to asking when we talked earlier. Like Don said, I can't imagine what you're going through either, and I've lost both parents and my only brother -- that's taught me that every loss is different, and each harder than the last.

But, like you said, there are the "now I can"s, and while every loss is worse, the good stuff gets better with time as well. We see with new appreciation all that we still have, and get a better perspective of what's really important.

Of course, I said that to Mike Elmore, and it didn't seem to help him, so don't pay too much attention to me. But remember that you do still have many who love you, and we want to be here for you.

Betts4 said...

Don and Thomas, thank you for the thoughts. The knowing that someone is out there thinking of me helps a lot. I have learned that as much as it was said in the past - it really is true - my family is more than just blood...I have family that I can touch thru the phone, thru the internet, thru a hug as they stop into see me...and they aren't all biological, but they are still family.

Anonymous said...


Your blog is amazing. It is such an excellent chronical of grief, sorrow, joy and laughter. All the emotions that make us human.

You are not only helping yourself but I know for a fact you will help other with your blog to realize that their grief is normal.

So many of your comments bring back memories of the grief I had when I lost my parents. I too remember thinking, I made it through the day only to break down in the bathroom. I remember it continued to build and I left the building because it was becoming overwhelming so I went to my car to get some privacy.

I also remember a day when I was so busy at work that I had forgotten about my loss and grief. It was actually a good day, until the phone rang and for a brief moment I forgot that my mother had died and believed that she would be at the other end of the phone. It was when I heard another persons voice on the other end of the phone that I came back to "my reality" and the grief that had been weighing so heavily on me was back.

It has been nearly 15 years since I lost my mom but reading your posts sometimes makes me feel like it was yesterday. I don't think the sorrow and loss ever completely goes away but time and fond memories do eventually help to ease it.

Many of us are thinking of you and Jim. Thank you for sharing your personal journey with us.

Your dalpal Donna ("mom to Maggie and Abbey)