Wednesday, January 2, 2008

A new year. A year over.

Memories hit me at 11:59 on Dec 31st. It was the end of a year. The end of the last year I could say that Jim lived. The end of the year that I could have lived without.

I went away over the weekend and tried to get away from the overwhelming memories that would be found in our home. Most of the new years eves Jim and I just stayed home and relaxed. Watching a movie and flipping thru channels at midnight. It was our time. A chance for us to talk about the year that had past and the year to come. Last year we went out with some friends and had a great time. From a wonderful dinner to trying to stuff 5 people in a taxi that would only hold 4 to watching the fireworks from a room with a view.

I wanted to be far away from these thoughts.

I went to a friends house, They were having a party and a lot of other friends would be there also. I was having a good time. Right up until the end. I heard the count down start and I lost it. All I could think of was Jim. I could feel my insides melting and burning and exploding. I am glad for one thing. That there was a bathroom close by. I locked myself in and cried. Cried for the man I wanted to be kissing at that moment. Cried because we weren't able to have our arms around each other. I cried because he will never see another new year. I sat on the floor in a dark bathroom and wanted to have him at my side.

I could hear the party and finally washed my face and went out. Almost immediately two of my friends came over and we went outside to sit on the deck. They helped me get my head together. Handing me tissues and talking.

I don't remember the first new years eve that we spent together, but I do remember several others. If we weren't at friends, we were home on the couch. Never did the downtown in the cold bit. We were happy on a couch. A memorable year was the one in 1999, when the world was going to end. Remember Y2K? We went to visit our friends in NH and knew that if bad things were to happen we would be far away from civilization. I actually packed a tote full of survival stuff, you know-tp, flashlights, food and such. Just in case you know. And Jim allowed it. He and I packed the truck, tossed the dogs in and went north. The new years after that we were in NH again and it was decided to watch 2001 at midnight. You know, it was 2001, we science fiction geeks had been waiting years for that.

We had 17 new years together. As I remember those years, I can only remember the absolute joy in havingJim to wrap my arms around and to welcome in the new year with. There is much more to say than that.


Laurie said...

Hi Betsy,

I have thought about you so much over the past few days and prayed that you would find the grace and strength to get through. My heart hurt for you as I read your feelings. How hard for you to deal with. I am so gratful you had friends there that helped you get your head back together. Sometimes you just need people to sit with and let you cry and not try to fix what cannot be fixed. It is a hard balance for most people. I am glad that you made it through and I pray that this year is one of new laughter, peace and love for you. I pray Jims memories are always fresh in your heart, just hoping the pain lessens and the warmth takes over for you. This will take time, I know, but it is my wish for you and I will walk with you in this new year and continue praying for you. You have a friend out here in California any time you need me.

Love and ((Hugs)) Betsy,

rachd said...

You know, I just LOVE Laurie--she always has the BEST things to say. Thank you Laurie!

Betsy, my heart hurts for you tonight. The curse of loving so deeply is missing so much. I continue to pray for you, that your pain will lessen and the memories won't hurt so much.


Betts4 said...

It has been a tough week. Thank you for the prayers and thoughts.