Sunday, January 6, 2008

I don't want to

I spent the morning watching some LOST episodes, some Firefly and cleaning the kitchen. I also tossed a dvd across the kitchen and felt need. A need for Jim. It was a strong need. In fact without even thinking, I went to the basement pulled the tote box of his clothing out and cried into his favorite flannel shirt.

I am wearing it now. Over top a favorite tee shirt. In fact, I have his watch, underwear and socks on too. I am wearing my jeans and sneakers, but that's the only stuff that is mine. I don't understand the feelings but they are here, inside of me. Feeling his shirt and thinking of him in it and wanting to wake up from the dream, wanting to call him, to know that if he is not here at least he is at work or someplace...other than not here.

The crying is a release and the wearing of the clothes a comfort. I am on my way to sam's club to get dog food and water so an outside activity will help. I hate sundays. They were our day.


Laura said...

Sundays...weekends are the very worst. I wore a shirt of Leonard's today too. It's just not enough. I'm thinking of you and we're almost to Monday. Lots of hugs for you.

rachd said...

Sundays are our worst day too. I too have been having one Hell of a day. If I could wear Hannah's clothes, I'd sure as heck be in 'em. Go for it, Betsy, do what you need to do to feel Jim.

I understood exactly what you meant about needing to know he was somewhere and just not here. I told Brien tonight I'm ready for Hannah to just come home. It's been six months, the joke is no longer funny, let her come home.

I've said it once (okay, much more than once) and I'll say it again, this death/dying/grief thing SUCKS!

Enjoy the cry, enjoy the flannel and curl up with the dog. HUGS to you. Many many HUGS.

Betts4 said...

Laura, I am glad you have some shirts to wear, Rachd, I am sorry you don't. It is a comfort. Maybe a blanket or pillowcase or favorite plush animal?

"It's been six months, the joke is no longer funny, let her come home. "


Hugs for us all!!!

Laurie said...

Love and Hugs for all three of you girls tonight. This time most definitely SUCKS for all of you. Wear their clothes, grab a comfort thing, and let the tears flow. I wish I could be there for each of you and just offer up a shoulder to cry on and not try to fix what I can't. I am praying for all three of you tonight to be able to release some of this cursed pain. I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

HUGS, HUGS, and MORE HUGS, and peace.