Sunday, January 27, 2008

Replay pain

I had a very painful moment tonight. Well, actually a couple of them.

The cinema club that Jim and I belonged to had their 9th anniversary. At the 5th anniversary they made a tape of members talking about the club. There was a segment of Jim and I. The club president told me about it and I was sort of prepared, or at least I thought I was.

I loved seeing Jim's face alive again. So different then just staring at a photo and trying to remember it. The arched eyebrows, the crinkle of the brow, the smile that just starts. I talked a lot in the segment and in watching it all I could think of was 'shut up betsy, let Jim talk.' I could feel the tear rolling down my face but couldn't leave till he was off the screen. Then I went outside and cried awhile.

Then I came home and went hunting for our copy of that tape. I wanted to see his face again. Instead I found the tape of our wedding.

Oh my god. I played it. I can't believe I did and the pain was incredible. To sit and hear the wedding vows from him and to see his face as he said them. To see the first kiss. Oh I am so stupid. But like before, I couldn't pull my eyes off the screen once I started watching it.

The hardest part of all was our first dance. It was to Annie's Song - which is why this blog is called what it is. I cried and cried thru the whole dance, but had to watch it. Crying as I watched and knowing that no matter what I wouldn't stop. I couldn't stop.

In fact I watched the whole video and I even laughed a couple times thru the tears. It showed us eating cake and not smearing it on each other, like others kept telling us to do. There was the toasts and Jim toasting our Moms for their help in the wedding and the songs my stepmom sang for us. Most of the tape was little kids dancing and god it was all out of focus and noisy and bad. I wish there was a way to get rid of all the noise of people talking and just hear the music. The video itself moved so much it was like the blair witch camera. But I didn't care, just to see it all again was so bittersweet. Oh god, it was a beautiful evening.

And it had Jim on it. Alive.


Laura said...

Oh dear, sweet baby, I am so sorry. And this isn't fair. And I wish like heck I could do something to make it better for us. I am not yet able to look at my husband's all too beautiful face and I sometimes fear that I will never again be able to. Thanks for reaching out tonight in your comment. You may just have saved my life.

Alicia said...

I'm crying with you. I know all too well that experience of watching and not being able to STOP watching. We love the story so much, but the ending, oh God the ending. We keep watching in the hope that maybe it will have a different ending.

I am crying with you. I am crying with you.

rachd said...

Wow! You were incredibly brave last night. I can barely make myself look at images of Hannah, let alone look at any of the movies we have of her. I think the reality of life without her versus the movies of her so, well, *alive*, it would make it all so much harder.

This is why I call you brave. MY heart is simply *aching* for you. I'm SO sorry you have to go through this. So sorry.

And, I wanted to let you know, I flipped off the USPS building in Jim's honor Friday. :oP

Donna said...

Bless your heart, little love...but there is a way to get rid of the background distortions and noises on the tape. Any worthwhile camera shop can take care of that for you, but you might not want to turn loose of the tape long enough for them to do it. Ask around first if you're really serious. That's a precious tape. I don't know if I could do it...All my love goes out to you sweetie...

Laurie said...

Hi Betsy,

I have had to think about this one a bit before commenting. I want to say what is on my heart right without it coming out wrong. I think you were meant to find your wedding video when you got home and not the other one.I truly believe in my heart that the grieving process is so unique and misunderstood thing in this world. I admire your courage in sitting there and watching it, even though it hurt so badly. I admire you for not running from it, letting it touch your soul, and realizing THIS is what the pain of grieving is about. This is what you miss and long for that is now lost, but never forgotten, it is recorded in your heart. Betsy, I see you face each and every new obstacle that comes in your path with inner courage, not running away as it knocks you to your knees. You always pick yourself back up, you make this choice for yourself, and you move forward. You did not have a choice of how you lost Jim, but you do have a choice in how you move forward as you keep him in your heart. You are doing so well in getting through, even if it does not feel this way to you. My heart hurts for you each time you post a heartbreaking time like this. You are a brave lady and I cry with you when I read how hard it is. I keep you in my prayers friend.

Love, Laurie in Ca.