I have been working this blog/journal for 8 months or so. I try to post something at least once a day or once every couple days. Sometimes they are rants but I have been trying since the beginning to post memories of Jim so I don't forget.
I was thinking of the ones I posted last night. The moving stuff, walking dog one. I realized how sometimes these memories start me off with a smile. Even this morning, when I was getting ready for work, I did something I haven't done before - I started talking to Jim about what was I going to wear and pausing as he answered me as he always did. I smile to myself as this was a warm memory I am glad to have remembered. Of course the sadness comes with the realization of 'never agains'. But the memory was/is soothing.
It feels like I have had these memories more and more. Or if not more, than at least in a more soothing fashion. I guess that is it. Don't get me wrong, there are still tears, and even some of the wild hysterical tears when the world is crumbling still and you wonder when this damn ride will end and still the 'when is he coming home' feeling, but well, I don't know, sometimes now the memories make me smile in a sad, sad happy way.
Confused you say? That's okay, just wait, in a day or two my mood will be totally differently. Hating the whole world and wondering why my head is screwed up. For now I will take the soothing and run with it.
I can do that, I'm a widow.
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4 comments:
Hi Betsy,
I am sitting here this morning reading this post and it warms my heart to see that the memories are becoming more frequently soothing and warm. Soothing is good, through the pain of all that you miss about him. I don't think you are confused at all in what you write. You are getting through each day and I admire this in you. Someday in the future, I pray that the balance will sway for you, more soothing and less painful, but only you will know when that day comes. I am praying for you as you work your way there each day. Your Jim is only a memory away in your heart.
Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.
Oh, I thought I had responded to this one.
I'm so happy you are experiencing pleasant memories and that they are bringing you comfort instead of pain.
I'm beginning to come to a point where i feel pleasure not pain at memories of Hannah. She makes me smile, if a little wistfully.
Have a wonderful evening, friend! :o)
Rach
I found myself, sitting here in the kitchen reading blogs, feeling peaceful for once. I'm trying to savor it and not mess with it.
Thinking of you.
As a widow of four years I can tell you it all takes time to move through this grief journey with its ups and downs. Time, patience, and a bit of fear of the unknown. But we all get through it and find what we need to find on the other side. May you be well. elaine
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