Honeybunny

Dear Jim,

I thought of you this morning as I woke and touched your pillow. I miss the snuggle against your chest as we both enjoy that quiet moment before all hell breaks loose for the day. You always told me it was your favorite time to be with me - before the world crashes in on us with all the obligations and stress. It was just the two of us. It was a peaceful feeling to know that you were at my side and we shared that calmness.

I thought of you this morning when I saw my neighbors kiss as they left each other on their way to work. Jim, I miss not having you to kiss good bye and wish a good day to. I know as we would kiss good bye we were both thinking of the time ahead when we would be together again.

I think of you alot. I am trying to keep going on without you and sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it is hard to explain to others just how hard it is. The different levels that your death has touched. Not just in my mind, dealing with your being gone. But in day to day life chores in the house, handling finances and thinking things out more about repairs and what would Jim do. Sometimes I can solve them fine, sometimes I just let them go.

Jim, my love, my honeybunny, I ache. The ache comes because I won't be able to touch you again. To feel your lips on mine. To see into the eyes that love me.

I have a photo of you on the wall, it is a head shot and you are smiling. It is an 8x10 and is large. I talk to you and look at that photo. I can see you there. I watched a video and chuckled again at the eyebrows raising and the facial expressions you could create. Your humor is missed not just by me, but by our friends also.

Jim, I know you didn't want to leave me. Thinking of the long days ahead where there is this hole in my heart for you. I know, I know, what you are going to say is that I will get over you and that I must go on, but it is hard right now. I breathe in and feel the pain, right there, right in that spot that you touched with your lips.

Last night I heard some noise outside. I looked out my door and was caught up in a memory. A man walking down the street and from where you would park when there was no spaces near our house. It was eerie. I got goosebumps and a deja vu.

I looked again and said "yes, he would park there, he would climb wearily out of the car, he would turn to pull stuff out and I would see his butt and smile, then he would walk down the street smiling more and more as he got closer and would see me and the dogs with our heads out the door, I would sometimes run to greet him, in my pj's and slippers and who cares what the neighbors saw, I remember his lips on mine in greeting and the hug. The hug that told me how much he needed to come home to me." I said all that to myself, with just the dogs looking on.

Jim, I almost stopped the man to ask for a hug. I know you are laughing as I tell you this. I miss your hugs. You know how good the sex was? well Jim, the hugs we shared were better. Okay, well almost better. No, they were better and you know it too. Hugs and laughter and love.

Oh Jim. I can't stop the tears, but I can remember the smiles my love.