Monday, October 8, 2007

Changes again


Talk of changing the house, finishing up some construction projects and making things better for me. It has me crying here in my mind. The vision that Jim and I had for the house will never be now. Sadness overwhelms me when I think of all the years we worked for a better life. We.

If I said I am almost adjusting to living in that house. The one I hate. Would anyone understand? It was a place where we were together. And happy. And working with each other. Laughing with each other. Making promises and working towards them. Together.

I am getting rid of things - not important things, but stuff in boxes that we haven't looked at in years. It feels good. I was sitting here thinking about how I could rearrange the living room and then started getting weepy at the thought of it. I want to but it hurts in my chest to think, why didn't we do that before? Why did we just keep pushing things off? And why do I feel like it more HOME than

Looking at my wall of half plaster, half exposed but not finished brick and half mint green panelling. Too many halves, but thats how it is. I look at it with the eyes of someone that may want to move and thus rent or sell - and I see the simple steps must be taken. Drywall and put the wall that Jim took down, back up. Easier than to keep on going. But I look at it with the eyes of someone that has lived there for 5 years and think the original plan should be finished.

Being told 'don't make any changes in the first year' doesn't mean that I don't need to. I am not being implusive and throwing caution to the wind, but I will grab an opportunity of my two brothers to come and help me if I can. There are things that Jim would be working on to get the house ready for winter and to make it easier for living. There are many things that won't be changed till I am ready. But all the changes hurt in some way because they tear little rips in the comfort zone and the scab that has been built up.

Healing hurts.

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