Sunday, October 21, 2007

Days are getting better? Are they?

I had someone ask me if the days were getting better. I told them that I got by.

That is about all I can do right now. Get by. Healing has begun, oh sure, but there are still things that happen each day that make me ache inside. I realized today at the grocery store that I had no desire to eat. Well, no desire to eat until I was really hungry and then I didn't care much for anything but waffles and the italian cold cut sub from the falls rd deli and maybe a dominos extra pepperoni pizza. I shrug when I think of most other food. Too much work, not worth the effort and not that tasy anymore. Standing in the grocery store realizing that, I started to tear up and think what a wasted soul I was. But even worse, I didn't much care. What did it matter without my soul mate to share. I know this emotional down passes because it has happened before.

I stressed about what I was going to do for Jim's birthday, how I would feel and then had a very nice day. The morning was filled with me getting a tattoo in his honor. A superman S symbol. Over my heart. There was almost no pain and they were able to mix some of his ashes with some of the pigment and that made it more special.

Coming home from that, I relaxed around the house and talked to the dogs telling them stories about Jim and how he helped rescue them and built a fence for them and didn't hesitate to help any dog in need and how much he loved having their attention. Dinner out with my dad and stepmom was very nice also. I think my dad realizes how much I am still hurting inside and he has been great at coming to my aid as needed.

It has been a hard time to get reorientated and used to not having someone you love around. To have had the goals and dreams smashed. To see things and hear his voice and see his smile. But know they are not there. On one level, the days are getting better. Functionality and progress is being made. On another level, it will take a lot longer.

1 comment:

MrsGrumpy said...

I am keeping you in my thoughts. I wonder if it will truly ever get better...or this is it...and we just try to get used to it? I don't think I can. Did the tattoo hurt? Many hugs,Laura