Have I told you lately.....

This will be a rambling babbling blog, but I don't really care at this point.

It was an okay day. Till I got to the supermarket to get a couple things. Standing in the checkout line I hear "have I told you lately that I love you" by Rod Stewart but in a sort of muzak version.
I am getting a pain in my chest and remembering when that was sung to me.

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

I started crying in the line. I had my hands filled with banannas, bread, some pringles and a bag of halloween candy. I had no way to wipe the tears and the song went on.

For the morning sun and all its glory
Meets the day with hope and comfort too
You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better
Ease my troubles, that's what you do
There's a love that's defined
And it's yours and it's mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray to the one, to the one

Hearing the voice, then hearing Jim's voice in my head. I heard the words coming, was even sort of singing along and just missing that I used to have this sung to me.

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do
There's a love that's defined
And it's yours and it's mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray to the one, to the one

I was staring at the ceiling and saying 'that's what you do, ease my troubles, take away my sadness, and there is no one else like you.' It was like a moment in freeze frame. I had no idea what was happening around me, I could just see his face, his eyes and hear his voice.

And have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
You fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

Then, suddenly it was over, the line was moving and I was wiping my eyes. I checked out, grabbed my bags and went out to wait for the bus. I wanted to call someone, but there was no one to call. I thought about what I wanted to say, and just said it out loud. No one was there to hear but me. I stared at the sky and talked.

I told Jim that I missed him and that there was nothing in my heart or in my life that would fill the void. I felt totally broken sitting at the bus stop and not knowing if the sadness would ever be healed. I thought about the days that I got thru and the days coming up. It was a life that I wanted to share, that we were supposed to share, a life that should have had more days, months, years of us together.

I ached to have Jim's arms around me and his voice telling me it was all going to be okay. I got on the bus and came home. I got home and put the food down and the dogs out and looked around at the empty house and realized again, I was alone. I couldn't stand this feeling and just wanted a hole to swallow me up. I gathered all of Jim's shirts up and lay on the bed and tried to bury myself in him. The shirts were muffling the screams and soaking up the tears.

And then. It was over. I got up and moved around a bit and found that I had left the dogs outside. My face is swollen and my body is tired. I am not focusing well tonight. I had spent the last week telling myself that Jim was just away on a trip. I had after five months been denying his death. I don't know why I had done that for the last few days. I kept thinking that he was just somewhere that he couldn't call and couldn't write. That burst yesterday. And released today.

There is a lot to do in our house and I don't have any inclination to do it. I can only hope that changes and maybe tomorrow night I can get some things done.

Sunday is our 18th wedding anniversary. We met in March and married in November.

I don't want to be without him. But I am.