Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Always a Never

The nevers hit last night. No more cards from Jim, just the ones I have.

I can't quite wrap my head around it. Don't want to.

Am I moving outward in my healing? No more hope of him walking in the door. No more phone calls hearing his voice. No more cards. I don't know if it is healing. I know that it is painful.

Am I a sad case because I can't quite get it? I find myself at odd times and odd places in house saying "what? you are not coming back? No way."

Jim and I had developed a relationship that took some time and some work and had its bumps and flaws, but for the most part was very very good for each of us. Is there hope of finding that again? Do I want to? Jim told me how he could not see me alone and wouldn't want me to be alone. He told me that he would want someone to love me. I just absolutely can't imagine anyone making me feel the oh god wonderful way that Jim did when he did something as easy as walk in a room.

From our first moments together, and I mean the very first, we clicked. It is not just my confidence level that I am not good enough for anyone, but there is that, there is also the feeling that there just wouldn't be that click. Jim and I had a sense of humor that was made for each other. Lots of others didn't get it. My favorite observation was from a very good friend. One night after listening to our 'bickering' which we both knew was in fun, he said "if I didn't know how much you loved each other, I would be worried.'

Jim and I laughed at that then and also later. I have to hang on to the cards for now and let the Jim that I know seep into me. Wearing his shirts and his wedding ring is another way to feel he is still touching me in some manner. This will change when I am ready for it but for now, it feels right.

The pain in my chest as I sit and write this hurts. The pain in my head that knows Jim will never again know how much I love him hurts more. I can only hope that he will always know that.

1 comment:

gd said...

Acceptance is a big part of the healing process. Balancing reality and the past together is a tough juggling act. You're doing better. I see you spinning plates in the future.