1431 days.
Tomorrow will be year 3 and 11 months. Talking to a friend the other day and she couldn't believe it had been that long. Me either.
Years, months, days, hours, minutes. How to measure, to mark, how long it has been since Jim died.
Still missed, every day. Every single day.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tell me it's okay!
I really want to get rid of some of the big furniture I have in the house. Mostly the big dresser that we never could get upstairs and has been in my living room for 10 years. It is gorgeous heavy solid wood and not a cheap piece. It's family is upstairs - an amoire, a bed, and 2 night stands. I think I have holes in my wall on the stairs from the amoire going up there when we moved in.
More and more I want to clear the house of stuff. Old stuff. I don't want to get rid of everything Jim and I owned, but some of it just isn't right for the house anymore. This makes me confused and sad.
I was at a friends house this past weekend and was loving how things were just so nicely put together. I mean, the house wasn't pin perfect neat, and it had lots of stuff that had been collected over the years, but it all sort of worked together. We had that in our house up north and it was great. I miss that. Now I feel very squashed and mishmashed. It is a lot of the same stuff, it's just not fitting into this house very well.
My dream. I have said it over and over and just can't find a way out. I wish, my ultimate dream, would be to sell this and get a place with a yard and just one story. A trailer, a ranch house, a shack. Just something other than this place. I just can't make the numbers crunch enough to do it.
So until then, I will continue to reshape the house I am in. Sometimes, for just a moment it feels like it is almost, trying hard to be, home.
More and more I want to clear the house of stuff. Old stuff. I don't want to get rid of everything Jim and I owned, but some of it just isn't right for the house anymore. This makes me confused and sad.
I was at a friends house this past weekend and was loving how things were just so nicely put together. I mean, the house wasn't pin perfect neat, and it had lots of stuff that had been collected over the years, but it all sort of worked together. We had that in our house up north and it was great. I miss that. Now I feel very squashed and mishmashed. It is a lot of the same stuff, it's just not fitting into this house very well.
My dream. I have said it over and over and just can't find a way out. I wish, my ultimate dream, would be to sell this and get a place with a yard and just one story. A trailer, a ranch house, a shack. Just something other than this place. I just can't make the numbers crunch enough to do it.
So until then, I will continue to reshape the house I am in. Sometimes, for just a moment it feels like it is almost, trying hard to be, home.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Too long
My friend told me she couldn't believe it has been almost 4 years since Jim died. Four years. Well, 3 years and 10 months and 348 days actually. But who is counting. Oh, I guess I am.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Clutter busters!
Today was Clutterbusters day!
I had a coupon from Groupon where this organizational company sends someone out to the house and they help me with an area that needs decluttering and such.
It was fun. My friend Elaine (who is really good at this stuff anyway) came out to help. It got me motivated and seeing one area that was clean, clear and crisp has made me want more. I went thru the worst area - the office. I had years of old papers, bills, things saved because of one reason or another. I tossed lots and lots of stuff. Some went right into a bag for shredding. That bag became three bags.
I found a community run free shredding event and took the bags to them. And it felt good!
Next up is the clothing.
I had a coupon from Groupon where this organizational company sends someone out to the house and they help me with an area that needs decluttering and such.
It was fun. My friend Elaine (who is really good at this stuff anyway) came out to help. It got me motivated and seeing one area that was clean, clear and crisp has made me want more. I went thru the worst area - the office. I had years of old papers, bills, things saved because of one reason or another. I tossed lots and lots of stuff. Some went right into a bag for shredding. That bag became three bags.
I found a community run free shredding event and took the bags to them. And it felt good!
Next up is the clothing.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Names on an Index card
One of my jobs here at work is to assist when people come in to find family in the cemetery. See, our offices are in a building that is attached to an old church. Very old. Next to the church is a large cemetery. In my office has a large fireproof file cabinet that weighs 1/2 ton or so. In that are all the index cards of the people that are buried there. So people doing their genealogy research come to me first to find out where in the cemetery they need to go. I got this honor by being the one to take over this room in our office. The person that has this room after me will have that honor.
I enjoy helping people in their search and we have a large map of the cemetery with names in the spots so it is easy to find. At least in theory. I even used technology and google mapped it and got a satelitte view to show people.
Speaking of technology...index cards? I mean really, we are in the 21st century. So for the past year I have been slowly moving the information from index cards into an Excel program so it would be easy to find names and areas.
This has been interesting even though I am not related to anyone buried here. To see the dates going back to the mid 1800's. To see family history - one last name and the number of people buried here from that lineage. Sometimes as many as 6 in one grave area.
Today I was inputting and ran into a card that had 3 boys names. They were infants buried at the foot of their fathers grave. They died all the same day and he died almost 40 years later. I imagine they were stillborn or something like that. They were buried in a spot and Dad joined them. No mention of Mom being buried there so who knows?
Some of it has been multi-generational. You can follow the family and see the different generations of great grandparents down to most recent family members. I look at them and wonder about things like "did she like that her name was Myrtle?" or "this family had 5 deaths all in the month of July and all in different years. July was not a good month for the Georgia family."
It is interesting how sometimes a whole life can come down to an index card, or a line in a bible or just...well...just a memory.
I enjoy helping people in their search and we have a large map of the cemetery with names in the spots so it is easy to find. At least in theory. I even used technology and google mapped it and got a satelitte view to show people.
Speaking of technology...index cards? I mean really, we are in the 21st century. So for the past year I have been slowly moving the information from index cards into an Excel program so it would be easy to find names and areas.
This has been interesting even though I am not related to anyone buried here. To see the dates going back to the mid 1800's. To see family history - one last name and the number of people buried here from that lineage. Sometimes as many as 6 in one grave area.
Today I was inputting and ran into a card that had 3 boys names. They were infants buried at the foot of their fathers grave. They died all the same day and he died almost 40 years later. I imagine they were stillborn or something like that. They were buried in a spot and Dad joined them. No mention of Mom being buried there so who knows?
Some of it has been multi-generational. You can follow the family and see the different generations of great grandparents down to most recent family members. I look at them and wonder about things like "did she like that her name was Myrtle?" or "this family had 5 deaths all in the month of July and all in different years. July was not a good month for the Georgia family."
It is interesting how sometimes a whole life can come down to an index card, or a line in a bible or just...well...just a memory.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Bamm
I was doing some gardening and wanted some background music. I struggled with trying to get the boom box to work. It needed C batteries. Oh well. Trying to figure something else out to use...what else did I have. I thought about the cd player/alarm/digital clock that was upstairs. I hadn't thought about it in a long while. Didn't know if I even could. It was the one that Jim and I used for years as our alarm clock. We would start the morning with Enya singing to us. It was too painful to listen to when he first passed away. I just unplugged it and moved it a couple feet over and boughta $12 alarm from Wal-mart.
I found it and dusted it off. A lot of dust had accumulated over the years. I saw under the dust was the label I made and stuck to it. Betsy loves Jim xoxoxo. I put that on it when I gave it to him. Touching that made me sad, yet I didn't want to be sad, I wanted to sit in the sun and plant flowers. Well, I couldn't get the radio to work but it would still play cd's. I couldn't bear Enya, however I did pull some Croce, Huey and Blues Brothers. An odd mix, but it was what I grabbed first. I was doing good singing along until BAMM Croce started singing "Photographs and Memories". A song about a love lost and what was left behind. His voice just rolled the lyrics out and his guitar melded it into a song that touched me in a deep place.
Yep, I lost it. I mean, with Jim gone that is basically what I have. Photographs of our life together. Memories of the times we shared. I sat in the backyard and cried for a bit as I listened to the song. I got up at the end and put Huey Lewis back in and started singing again.
I found it and dusted it off. A lot of dust had accumulated over the years. I saw under the dust was the label I made and stuck to it. Betsy loves Jim xoxoxo. I put that on it when I gave it to him. Touching that made me sad, yet I didn't want to be sad, I wanted to sit in the sun and plant flowers. Well, I couldn't get the radio to work but it would still play cd's. I couldn't bear Enya, however I did pull some Croce, Huey and Blues Brothers. An odd mix, but it was what I grabbed first. I was doing good singing along until BAMM Croce started singing "Photographs and Memories". A song about a love lost and what was left behind. His voice just rolled the lyrics out and his guitar melded it into a song that touched me in a deep place.
Yep, I lost it. I mean, with Jim gone that is basically what I have. Photographs of our life together. Memories of the times we shared. I sat in the backyard and cried for a bit as I listened to the song. I got up at the end and put Huey Lewis back in and started singing again.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Trying to get into the habit
I have been doing this really odd thing. Exercising. Thanks to the LivingSocial daily deals I am a member of an Athletic Swim club. I love to swim and never seem to have been able to do it often enough in the last few years. I used to be on a syncronized swim team when I was in my teens.
So I go and do some laps. Ha. I look around me and feel very intimidated. But I raise my chin and carry on. My progress is sort of - swim half way up the lane, stop, tread water and float on my back to practice synchro moves and then swim the rest of the way, and about half way back again, then swim on my back the rest of the way, then rest for a few minute practising kicking. Not near the relentless lap swimming that I saw myself doing when I joined, but it works.
My arms are very sore, but that is just unused muscles, suddenly being used! I went tonight and didn't swim but walked on the treadmill. I have never exercised on real equipment before so this is kinda cool. I set up my Kindle and was able to read as I walk. Awesome. My legs are protesting a bit, but again, they will get used to it.
I hope to keep my resolve up and have this become a habit, not a happenstance. I forced myself to go tonight...I was all set to relax in front of the tv. Well, I came home and did that. I know habits are hard to break, but they are also hard to form, but I am trying.
So I go and do some laps. Ha. I look around me and feel very intimidated. But I raise my chin and carry on. My progress is sort of - swim half way up the lane, stop, tread water and float on my back to practice synchro moves and then swim the rest of the way, and about half way back again, then swim on my back the rest of the way, then rest for a few minute practising kicking. Not near the relentless lap swimming that I saw myself doing when I joined, but it works.
My arms are very sore, but that is just unused muscles, suddenly being used! I went tonight and didn't swim but walked on the treadmill. I have never exercised on real equipment before so this is kinda cool. I set up my Kindle and was able to read as I walk. Awesome. My legs are protesting a bit, but again, they will get used to it.
I hope to keep my resolve up and have this become a habit, not a happenstance. I forced myself to go tonight...I was all set to relax in front of the tv. Well, I came home and did that. I know habits are hard to break, but they are also hard to form, but I am trying.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I told myself....
I told myself that March was going to be my rest and relaxation month. It seems I have had some big event or project each month for the last few months. A couple weeks ago I bought in on one of the daily special offers and got a pass to the local swimclub for $20 for 6 weeks. Normally around $150. So I am relaxing and swimming this month and into April.
I have though, already been planning the next two big projects. One is painting the living room and the other is the reworking the backyard. My neighbor has offered to assist in both these so that will be a big help. The yard was going to be the project last year but I got sidetracked with a knee injury. Now I am back up and things are planned out in my head.
Speaking of projects, I was going thru some old family pictures and sorting them out to give to my siblings. Somewhere in a pile was a bunch of pics I took of the house before Jim renovated it. It is in a half state of all the furniture out but nothing done yet. The pepto bismal pink walls were there and the nicotine stained window and door frames can be seen. It is nice to look around and see the changes that have been made and how far we have come and how much further I have been able to take it on my own - well - with my brothers and others help!
I have though, already been planning the next two big projects. One is painting the living room and the other is the reworking the backyard. My neighbor has offered to assist in both these so that will be a big help. The yard was going to be the project last year but I got sidetracked with a knee injury. Now I am back up and things are planned out in my head.
Speaking of projects, I was going thru some old family pictures and sorting them out to give to my siblings. Somewhere in a pile was a bunch of pics I took of the house before Jim renovated it. It is in a half state of all the furniture out but nothing done yet. The pepto bismal pink walls were there and the nicotine stained window and door frames can be seen. It is nice to look around and see the changes that have been made and how far we have come and how much further I have been able to take it on my own - well - with my brothers and others help!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
white hawaiian shirts
Jim Dream - haven't had one in awhile, but woke up this morning on the way to our wedding.
Well, it was a renewal wedding. The dream started the day before the actual wedding and my family was there, even people that are no longer with us. Trying to get the food organized and the wedding dress to fit. It was chaotic. The wedding was planned for the next day in the late afternoon. I snuggled up to Jim that night and we talked about our renewal vows. I told him how the dress wasn't fitting right. He said let's scrap all that. We talked about not going on a long second honeymoon but rather holing up in a local hotel just north of us, because they had an indoor/outdoor pool and a lot of good memories with us over the years from when we went to science fiction conventions.
Then we were waking up in the morning and going out shopping for Hawaiian shirts. White ones. We decided that we would both wear them. I am not a traditional gal anyway so this would be fun. We walked down the aisle hand in hand with these white hawaiian patterned shirts and smiling at each other.
The dream was happy and a good way to wake up.
Well, it was a renewal wedding. The dream started the day before the actual wedding and my family was there, even people that are no longer with us. Trying to get the food organized and the wedding dress to fit. It was chaotic. The wedding was planned for the next day in the late afternoon. I snuggled up to Jim that night and we talked about our renewal vows. I told him how the dress wasn't fitting right. He said let's scrap all that. We talked about not going on a long second honeymoon but rather holing up in a local hotel just north of us, because they had an indoor/outdoor pool and a lot of good memories with us over the years from when we went to science fiction conventions.
Then we were waking up in the morning and going out shopping for Hawaiian shirts. White ones. We decided that we would both wear them. I am not a traditional gal anyway so this would be fun. We walked down the aisle hand in hand with these white hawaiian patterned shirts and smiling at each other.
The dream was happy and a good way to wake up.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Happy Birthday Tigger!
Tigger, my Dalmatian, turns 13 today. In Human years that is 65 years old.
I will recant the story of how Tigger came to be in my life. She came as a rescue and she was almost one year old. Actually, 11 months, 28 days, when we got her. Jim and I were running a Dalmatian rescue service for dogs in need of placement. Usually that was dogs from a kill shelter, but we took on all needs.
We got a call in early February. A woman telling us about her dalmatian that got hit by a car and can we help? I spoke to her and learned it was just a female puppy and she was holding her leg up but not in pain. I tried to get them to bring the dog to me and then in learning where they lived, it was a 3 hour drive. A little out of the normal range for our rescues. I gave her some suggestions and told her to go to the vet to have the leg looked at and then get back to us.
A few days go by and she calls back. She said they can't afford to go to the vet and they have to get rid of the dog because " the smell is horrendous". I will never ever forget that phrase and how she said it. We talked some more and she said that the dog was a pure breed from her brother and she was born on valentines day the year before. They said she was outside most of the time and got loose and got hit by a car. Jim and I agreed to go see her. We contacted a local vet ER surgery office and let them know she would be coming in later that day.
Her name then was Digger and they brought her inside (she had been living outside in a kennel) and hooked her up in the basement. Apparently she got bored and chewed a couple toes off - not feeling them because of the nerve damage. The husband wrapped them in gauze and then in duct tape to keep her from chewing the gauze. She had 3 layers of duct tape wrapped around her leg when we got there. We met her and she was happy, jumping around and licking our faces. She was craving attention. Jim got to work and cut the duct tape off and yep, the smell was bad. Her leg was gangerous and these people didn't even know it.
We got them to sign release papers and we got her out of there. At the hospital the doc said it would have to be an amputation. He would perform the surgery and see how she did. He said she had a great attitude and was already used to walking on just the three legs for the last couple weeks so he was hopeful. I had posted on a dalmatian message board about this and members there sent in donations. Ove the next week they sent them directly to the doctor with her name attached. It was amazing to get that help from people I had only known via online. See, the internet was all very new back then, but the friendship you could find was real.
When we were driving her to the vets her name got changed. It went from Digger to TIGGER. She was a bouncy bouncy bouncy gal. Her happiness just made me think of the real Tigger and how he was always happy no matter what happened.
Tigger came to live with Jim and I and our other new rescue adoption - Mercury. At first we had to keep them seperated because of her stitches and drains and such. They touched noses through the baby gates and got used to each other. We kept her in a room designed just for her. A big old couch, food bowls and toys. Jim would go in there in the evenings and just sit with her. He would have some comics and read and snuggle with her. She had no problems with the collar she had to wear to keep her from scratching. It is called the cone of shame, but she had no shame, for her it was just one more thing to deal with and she dealt.
She has been a strong dog even with having just 3 legs. She will pull you down the street on the leash or push you out of the way when she wants outside. She is a wonderful couch snuggle dog friend and loves to play tug of war with the rope.
I can't imagine the last 12 years without having her and Mercury around. They were a great dynamic duo.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Me, myself and I
To be totally narcissistic today.
I have a new smart phone. A Mytouch that has a camera and it has a FRONT facing camera. So I can take pics of myself without holding my arm way out and not knowing what I am going to get. I started taking a picture a day of myself. Just for fun. I am sharing them so they can be saved somewhere and you all can have a good chuckle.
This may be the first pic with the camera on the phone. I love my expression here. I was just learning how to look at the camera and not at the phone itself. There must have been 15 pics taken before I got to this one. It took some practice.
At home, after taking a dozen pics of Tigger. Those will come in a later post. She is a very good dog model.
Haha! I got this hat when the snow it. I love it but it is not very flattering for me. It is great however when walking the dog late at night in the 19 degree weather.
I look at this picture and I see my mom. Never noticed it before, but I have had others tell me that. I think my hair always thru me off because we did not have the same hair styles.
Me at work. It was a good day. I like this pic. I wish we could take our favorites in to the DMV for use on our license.
Me at home, about to walk the dog. Notice the Super bowl champs THE PATRIOTS!!! hat. This pic is one that I see me as being very comfortable and relaxed.
At work again. This was one of the first pics with the camera. I can see the screen shot of my great nephew in the background and it was a few days after that they I changed it to one of the dogs in the snow. Our computer backgrounds and our phone wallpaper all tell a tale about us.
At work again. I think this was on 2.7.11. I got my hair cut over the weekend and it was still in shock. It is better today.
An interesting two weeks of Betsy.
I have a new smart phone. A Mytouch that has a camera and it has a FRONT facing camera. So I can take pics of myself without holding my arm way out and not knowing what I am going to get. I started taking a picture a day of myself. Just for fun. I am sharing them so they can be saved somewhere and you all can have a good chuckle.
This may be the first pic with the camera on the phone. I love my expression here. I was just learning how to look at the camera and not at the phone itself. There must have been 15 pics taken before I got to this one. It took some practice.
At home, after taking a dozen pics of Tigger. Those will come in a later post. She is a very good dog model.
Haha! I got this hat when the snow it. I love it but it is not very flattering for me. It is great however when walking the dog late at night in the 19 degree weather.
I look at this picture and I see my mom. Never noticed it before, but I have had others tell me that. I think my hair always thru me off because we did not have the same hair styles.
Me at work. It was a good day. I like this pic. I wish we could take our favorites in to the DMV for use on our license.
Me at home, about to walk the dog. Notice the Super bowl champs THE PATRIOTS!!! hat. This pic is one that I see me as being very comfortable and relaxed.
At work again. This was one of the first pics with the camera. I can see the screen shot of my great nephew in the background and it was a few days after that they I changed it to one of the dogs in the snow. Our computer backgrounds and our phone wallpaper all tell a tale about us.
At work again. I think this was on 2.7.11. I got my hair cut over the weekend and it was still in shock. It is better today.
An interesting two weeks of Betsy.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Hello, is it me you're looking for....
Heard this while playing "Glee" cd. Sometimes this stuff just happens. A trigger or a door opening to feelings and thoughts. Their presentation of the song is very nice, but it's the first few lines that get me.
I've been alone with you
Inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips
A thousand times
I sometimes see you
Pass outside my door
Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
'cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I love you
I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again
How much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello!
I've just got to let you know
'cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you
Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
'cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you
I've been alone with you
Inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips
A thousand times
I sometimes see you
Pass outside my door
Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
'cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I love you
I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again
How much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello!
I've just got to let you know
'cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you
Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
'cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you
Sunday = Good day
Don't you love these days when things flow together nicely. I wanted to get some chores done, and yet was faced with this gorgeous blue sky and sunny 45 degree day. I decided to rearrange my chores and I went out in the sun, walked the dog, got the car washed and my hair cut. This gave me some outside time and now I am devoting time to cleaning up a room in bad need of it. Mostly putting stuff away that has been sitting patiently waiting.
I like it when things turn out like this.
It started with my neighbor knocking on my door. He handed me my lost glove. It was great. I lost one of my favorite gloves last week in the big storm while I was walking Tigger. And, I have a neighbor that loves to walk, and well, finds stuff. He is always bringing home something that he found on the ground - dog balls, scarfs, odd stuff. Anyway, last week I told him that I lost my glove and he if saw it in his wanders to grab it. I never thought he would find it. What a great gift this was. Okay, so it was just a $5.00 pair from Walmart, but they were my favorites and it was odd to only have one. Not like when you lose a sock in the dryer. I hadn't gotten to the point of getting another set of gloves, but now I don't need to! Yay for good neighbors!
Well, it's only 5pm here so I don't want to jinx the rest of my day up, but so far so good. We all need these once in awhile.
I like it when things turn out like this.
It started with my neighbor knocking on my door. He handed me my lost glove. It was great. I lost one of my favorite gloves last week in the big storm while I was walking Tigger. And, I have a neighbor that loves to walk, and well, finds stuff. He is always bringing home something that he found on the ground - dog balls, scarfs, odd stuff. Anyway, last week I told him that I lost my glove and he if saw it in his wanders to grab it. I never thought he would find it. What a great gift this was. Okay, so it was just a $5.00 pair from Walmart, but they were my favorites and it was odd to only have one. Not like when you lose a sock in the dryer. I hadn't gotten to the point of getting another set of gloves, but now I don't need to! Yay for good neighbors!
Well, it's only 5pm here so I don't want to jinx the rest of my day up, but so far so good. We all need these once in awhile.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Maybe this will work after all
I may have figured out how to figure it out. Not exactly, but fudging it. I would still like to have it all coming from one source, but now I have learned how to transfer the pics into another picasa account and move them around that way. Those of you that follow the blog may have to resubscribe to follow it with the betts 4 name along with the betts4 one. Maybe.
Completely off the subject of that - I was looking my 2009 tax forms to help me fill out 2010's. I found a folder that had some things in it from a few years and then many many years ago. A photo of me as a newborn baby. And on the back of the pic was a little slip of paper with some times written down and a "start" and "finish" near them. I think it was my mom's contractions while she was in labor with me. It was definately my Dad's handwriting.
Then I found two sheets of paper that had both computer and hand written text on it, from my Mom. She wrote a few lines about each of us 4 children. My older sister, older brother, me and my younger brother. I remember her sending this to us all, but not exactly when. Well it must have been more than 11 years ago because it mentions my older siblings children but not my younger brothers boys. I read what she wrote about me and started crying. The second line - "When Betsy was born, I thought no one else had ever had a child, she was beautiful".
I was born natural childbirth and I was the only one of her children that was, she tried with my brother but he came early and had to be ceserean.
Interestingly enough, the last line my mom wrote on each of our info was "In her/his career she/he has managed people". And it is true, we all have/are. I cried a little when I read "they are all the joys of my life" in her own handwriting. I miss my mom. I wish I could call her on the phone to tell her how good a mom she was for us. This blog is the closest I can do.
She wrote about my artistic ability and things I did when I was younger with my drawing and photography. Reading it made me sad and feel bad that I never really got going with that and was stronger about doing it.
I am not sure if they still have their original copies or not, but I am going to copy and send this out to my siblings.
Completely off the subject of that - I was looking my 2009 tax forms to help me fill out 2010's. I found a folder that had some things in it from a few years and then many many years ago. A photo of me as a newborn baby. And on the back of the pic was a little slip of paper with some times written down and a "start" and "finish" near them. I think it was my mom's contractions while she was in labor with me. It was definately my Dad's handwriting.
Then I found two sheets of paper that had both computer and hand written text on it, from my Mom. She wrote a few lines about each of us 4 children. My older sister, older brother, me and my younger brother. I remember her sending this to us all, but not exactly when. Well it must have been more than 11 years ago because it mentions my older siblings children but not my younger brothers boys. I read what she wrote about me and started crying. The second line - "When Betsy was born, I thought no one else had ever had a child, she was beautiful".
I was born natural childbirth and I was the only one of her children that was, she tried with my brother but he came early and had to be ceserean.
Interestingly enough, the last line my mom wrote on each of our info was "In her/his career she/he has managed people". And it is true, we all have/are. I cried a little when I read "they are all the joys of my life" in her own handwriting. I miss my mom. I wish I could call her on the phone to tell her how good a mom she was for us. This blog is the closest I can do.
She wrote about my artistic ability and things I did when I was younger with my drawing and photography. Reading it made me sad and feel bad that I never really got going with that and was stronger about doing it.
I am not sure if they still have their original copies or not, but I am going to copy and send this out to my siblings.
Google, Blogger and Aol!!
You may see a change around here. Or maybe not. I am trying to change my username from the one I had with aol to this new one with gmail. However, it won't let me without losing out. We will see.
See, I have this blog set up with my aol account as a primary username and I want to switch it to a special gmail account I set up. I want to just close out the aol account completely. I get nothing but spam and emails from places with special offers. No real email anymore. I have closed out the other two aol accounts.
I can blog on here using the new gmail account but it changes things a bit and it is not the primary administrator so I can't do everything that I can do with this username - the original one. Are you confused yet? I sure am.
Taxes are done and with the return I am getting I want to do them all again to see where I made the mistake. Haha. Money back? I never get money back. Well, I guess I do this year. Oh, don't worry, I will take it and run. I am going to a Star Trek Media Convention in a few weeks and some of the refund will go towards some fun there. Some will go towards finishing my backyard off and some will go...gasp...in the bank!!!
See, I have this blog set up with my aol account as a primary username and I want to switch it to a special gmail account I set up. I want to just close out the aol account completely. I get nothing but spam and emails from places with special offers. No real email anymore. I have closed out the other two aol accounts.
I can blog on here using the new gmail account but it changes things a bit and it is not the primary administrator so I can't do everything that I can do with this username - the original one. Are you confused yet? I sure am.
Taxes are done and with the return I am getting I want to do them all again to see where I made the mistake. Haha. Money back? I never get money back. Well, I guess I do this year. Oh, don't worry, I will take it and run. I am going to a Star Trek Media Convention in a few weeks and some of the refund will go towards some fun there. Some will go towards finishing my backyard off and some will go...gasp...in the bank!!!
Friday, January 28, 2011
25 years ago
A moment of silence. We lost something 25 years ago.
Challenger.
Dick Scobee. Michael Smith. Ellison Onizuka. Judith Resnik. Ronald McNair. Christa McAuliffe. Gregory Jarvis. The first of the shuttle astronauts to die on the job.
The images of the exploding space shuttle still signify all that can go wrong with technology and the sharpest minds. The accident on Jan. 28, 1986 — a scant 73 seconds into flight, nine miles above the Atlantic for all to see — remains NASA's most visible failure.
I was at work that day, a new job doing some graphic art work and we had the radio playing. My coworker was very interested in this launch. As we listened and couldn't believe what we heard, he reached his hand out to grab mine. Today I would not be able to tell you his name, but I remember that death grip. We left work and went a half a block up to the local pub that had a tv. We watched the replay of the explosion.
One thing that was pointed out today that I hadn't thought of before, it was the world's first high-tech catastrophe to unfold on live TV. It was a new age for television.
Adding to the anguish was the young audience: School children everywhere tuned in that morning to watch the launch of the first schoolteacher and ordinary citizen bound for space, Christa McAuliffe.
She never made it.
McAuliffe and six others on board perished as the cameras rolled, victims of stiff O-ring seals and feeble bureaucratic decisions.
It was, as one grief and trauma expert recalls, "the beginning of the age when the whole world knew what happened as it happened."
Then came others, Waco, Oklahoma City, 9/11, Katrina, The DC killer, Virginia Tech. They are now all part of daily life on the tv news. We can get it as it happens.
Shuttle Columbia. I was watching a History channel show about the Challenger and the Columbia. It was seventeen years later, almost to the day, that seven more astronauts were killed, this time at the end of their mission. The similarities between Challenger and Columbia, are haunting. I can remember hearing about the Columbia explosion and not really believing that it could happen again.
Christa McAuliffe is personal to me in a unique way. I belong to a group made up of Star Trek fans, that formed a "ship". The ship is basically a club that meets and is part of a larger whole called Starfleet that has chapters across America. Our group named the ship the USS McAuliffe, in honor of Christa and her dream. The members have been together and been friends for more than 25 years.
25 years and I can still remember that hand reaching out to mine as we wondered if what had happened had really happened.
Challenger.
Dick Scobee. Michael Smith. Ellison Onizuka. Judith Resnik. Ronald McNair. Christa McAuliffe. Gregory Jarvis. The first of the shuttle astronauts to die on the job.
The images of the exploding space shuttle still signify all that can go wrong with technology and the sharpest minds. The accident on Jan. 28, 1986 — a scant 73 seconds into flight, nine miles above the Atlantic for all to see — remains NASA's most visible failure.
I was at work that day, a new job doing some graphic art work and we had the radio playing. My coworker was very interested in this launch. As we listened and couldn't believe what we heard, he reached his hand out to grab mine. Today I would not be able to tell you his name, but I remember that death grip. We left work and went a half a block up to the local pub that had a tv. We watched the replay of the explosion.
One thing that was pointed out today that I hadn't thought of before, it was the world's first high-tech catastrophe to unfold on live TV. It was a new age for television.
Adding to the anguish was the young audience: School children everywhere tuned in that morning to watch the launch of the first schoolteacher and ordinary citizen bound for space, Christa McAuliffe.
She never made it.
McAuliffe and six others on board perished as the cameras rolled, victims of stiff O-ring seals and feeble bureaucratic decisions.
It was, as one grief and trauma expert recalls, "the beginning of the age when the whole world knew what happened as it happened."
Then came others, Waco, Oklahoma City, 9/11, Katrina, The DC killer, Virginia Tech. They are now all part of daily life on the tv news. We can get it as it happens.
Shuttle Columbia. I was watching a History channel show about the Challenger and the Columbia. It was seventeen years later, almost to the day, that seven more astronauts were killed, this time at the end of their mission. The similarities between Challenger and Columbia, are haunting. I can remember hearing about the Columbia explosion and not really believing that it could happen again.
Christa McAuliffe is personal to me in a unique way. I belong to a group made up of Star Trek fans, that formed a "ship". The ship is basically a club that meets and is part of a larger whole called Starfleet that has chapters across America. Our group named the ship the USS McAuliffe, in honor of Christa and her dream. The members have been together and been friends for more than 25 years.
25 years and I can still remember that hand reaching out to mine as we wondered if what had happened had really happened.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Stumbling
I miss you.
Note- I stumbled across a folder of Jim pics while searching for a photo of Tigger. This one picture hit me hard tonight. Hard because of the look on Jim's face. Just very unposed and natural, like he really was in the next room. Some of it is because he is wearing the House of Blues shirt that I sleep in now, the sheets and comforter cover are still around and some because it was taken when we lived in MA and it was a happy time for us.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
That darn winter cold
The weather has been a bit colder than normal this winter. Somewhere along the way I picked up a head cold. That runny nose and coughing kind. Not a lot of sneezing but maybe a slight fever.
Blah.
It was me vs the cold. The cold won. I was cooped up in bed for all of MLK weekend. I stayed home from work the day after MLK day and tried to recover enough to go in the next day. On tuesday I got myself up and actually did this thing called a shower, and clean clothes were put on and I ventured out for a few minutes to get food. I went to work on wednesday, had a coughing fit about once every half hour - that was about as fast as I could suck down the throat longezes. My boss finally poked his head in and said "go home". So I did.
I picked up some cool stuff at the store. A smoothie from the juice section with all natural stuff and it claimed to be an "immunity booster" w/1000% vitamin C in it. I grabbed two and sucked one down right away.
I think it helped, or else the amoxicillin finally kicked in, or maybe it was just time for the darn cold to be gone, or a combination of all three plus the stars lining up right.
I hope as I write this that I am finally past it. It has been hours and hours since I last coughed. My nose is aching from the tissues and cream has been applied. I think I may be on the tail end of this beast.
It is interesting to reflect back and see how little it took for my body to give in. I always thought of myself as a strong person and a healthy person. I don't get normal colds like other people. I mean, I will get sick once and then it will be gone till next year. This cold wiped me out. I was just laying in bed or laying on the couch wrapped in blankets.
I am thankful for a couple neighbors that would text me and ask if I was okay or needed anything. One was also nice enough to take the dog out for a walk a couple times to let her stretch her legs. Yep, you can still find some nice people in the world.
Blah.
It was me vs the cold. The cold won. I was cooped up in bed for all of MLK weekend. I stayed home from work the day after MLK day and tried to recover enough to go in the next day. On tuesday I got myself up and actually did this thing called a shower, and clean clothes were put on and I ventured out for a few minutes to get food. I went to work on wednesday, had a coughing fit about once every half hour - that was about as fast as I could suck down the throat longezes. My boss finally poked his head in and said "go home". So I did.
I picked up some cool stuff at the store. A smoothie from the juice section with all natural stuff and it claimed to be an "immunity booster" w/1000% vitamin C in it. I grabbed two and sucked one down right away.
I think it helped, or else the amoxicillin finally kicked in, or maybe it was just time for the darn cold to be gone, or a combination of all three plus the stars lining up right.
I hope as I write this that I am finally past it. It has been hours and hours since I last coughed. My nose is aching from the tissues and cream has been applied. I think I may be on the tail end of this beast.
It is interesting to reflect back and see how little it took for my body to give in. I always thought of myself as a strong person and a healthy person. I don't get normal colds like other people. I mean, I will get sick once and then it will be gone till next year. This cold wiped me out. I was just laying in bed or laying on the couch wrapped in blankets.
I am thankful for a couple neighbors that would text me and ask if I was okay or needed anything. One was also nice enough to take the dog out for a walk a couple times to let her stretch her legs. Yep, you can still find some nice people in the world.
Monday, January 3, 2011
A New Year - 2011 starts
I stayed home this New Year's Eve.
I learned from the past two years and stayed home. Two years ago I went to a big party in another state and was okay until midnight. Then I stood among many people - some friends, some I just met, and I watched them kiss each other. I had no one to kiss to welcome in the new year. I freaked out and ran into the bathroom and turned the lights off and locked the door. And cried. I wanted Jim to kiss a welcome to the new year.
Well, last year I thought, okay, no big party, just a small gathering with some good good friends. Friends that knew Jim. Um. No. There I was at midnight looking around for Jim to hug and kiss and whoop and holler with. I went into another room and sat on the sofa alone and quiet while they all celebrated. One friend then another came in and sat with me and held my hand. That was nice.
However, this year I was smart and stayed home. I went to the store in the afternoon and bought some total junk food. I got chips and two kinds of dip - you know the regular ranch style and then that horseradish and bacon flavored. That is good...clears your sinuses. I bought some root beer, some veggies for the dip and some ice cream to make a root beer float later. I had a fun evening. It was me, the couch, the dog and Friday Night Lights. That tv show is my new addiction and I can't stop watching it. I have it on my netflix streaming and also bought myself the dvd's for christmas. Oh my I love it.
And when midnight came I didn't feel so alone. Strangely, I was alone in my house, but I wasn't alone in the crowd.
I learned from the past two years and stayed home. Two years ago I went to a big party in another state and was okay until midnight. Then I stood among many people - some friends, some I just met, and I watched them kiss each other. I had no one to kiss to welcome in the new year. I freaked out and ran into the bathroom and turned the lights off and locked the door. And cried. I wanted Jim to kiss a welcome to the new year.
Well, last year I thought, okay, no big party, just a small gathering with some good good friends. Friends that knew Jim. Um. No. There I was at midnight looking around for Jim to hug and kiss and whoop and holler with. I went into another room and sat on the sofa alone and quiet while they all celebrated. One friend then another came in and sat with me and held my hand. That was nice.
However, this year I was smart and stayed home. I went to the store in the afternoon and bought some total junk food. I got chips and two kinds of dip - you know the regular ranch style and then that horseradish and bacon flavored. That is good...clears your sinuses. I bought some root beer, some veggies for the dip and some ice cream to make a root beer float later. I had a fun evening. It was me, the couch, the dog and Friday Night Lights. That tv show is my new addiction and I can't stop watching it. I have it on my netflix streaming and also bought myself the dvd's for christmas. Oh my I love it.
And when midnight came I didn't feel so alone. Strangely, I was alone in my house, but I wasn't alone in the crowd.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
December descends
I took a break in November. It was actually interesting because I had things happen that I wanted to blog about but then ran into timing problems. Like NO TIME.
November started and ended as a pretty emotional month. Jim and I would have celebrated our 21st year wedding anniversary on November 4th. Instead I stayed home from work and had a day of total nothingness. No chores, errands, interaction with anyone.
On the 5th my brother came and spent the weekend. He worked on my bathroom which was in bad need of repair and updating. We had a good time interacting with each other and that was needed. He got the bathroom finished to the basics - new floor, new pedestal sink, medicine cabinet gone, walls painted and then left it for me to decorate. Now that is where the fun came in. Out with the old shower curtains, out with the old towels, out with the old toothbrush and toilet holder, out with the old wall cabinet. I got new everything and bed bath and beyond loves me! It looks very fresh and just what I needed.
One thing I learned while my brother was here was how to use the cordless drill/screwdriver. I didn't know that to put a screw in, you have to drill a hole first....I always wondered why it didn't work right for me. I felt very empowered after putting together the new cabinet and attaching it to the wall correctly. The cabinet took two nights (3 hours each) to actually build - and lots of cussing and dropping things and having things not fit right and putting them on backwards and such. But I got it done. All by myself!!!
Moving on to Thanksgiving. That was an interesting weekend. I had dinner at a friends and it was great. But all the neighbors were away and 3 of them asked me to watch their dogs and cats. It was fun bopping around to the houses and it broke up my day. I hadn't planned any trips or such. I just wanted to work in the house.
So novemeber is done. December descends upon us. I have holiday cards and cookies to bake and am going to see my brother at the end of the month.
November started and ended as a pretty emotional month. Jim and I would have celebrated our 21st year wedding anniversary on November 4th. Instead I stayed home from work and had a day of total nothingness. No chores, errands, interaction with anyone.
On the 5th my brother came and spent the weekend. He worked on my bathroom which was in bad need of repair and updating. We had a good time interacting with each other and that was needed. He got the bathroom finished to the basics - new floor, new pedestal sink, medicine cabinet gone, walls painted and then left it for me to decorate. Now that is where the fun came in. Out with the old shower curtains, out with the old towels, out with the old toothbrush and toilet holder, out with the old wall cabinet. I got new everything and bed bath and beyond loves me! It looks very fresh and just what I needed.
One thing I learned while my brother was here was how to use the cordless drill/screwdriver. I didn't know that to put a screw in, you have to drill a hole first....I always wondered why it didn't work right for me. I felt very empowered after putting together the new cabinet and attaching it to the wall correctly. The cabinet took two nights (3 hours each) to actually build - and lots of cussing and dropping things and having things not fit right and putting them on backwards and such. But I got it done. All by myself!!!
Moving on to Thanksgiving. That was an interesting weekend. I had dinner at a friends and it was great. But all the neighbors were away and 3 of them asked me to watch their dogs and cats. It was fun bopping around to the houses and it broke up my day. I hadn't planned any trips or such. I just wanted to work in the house.
So novemeber is done. December descends upon us. I have holiday cards and cookies to bake and am going to see my brother at the end of the month.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Mandolins
This may seem odd, but I am happy this morning because I may have found a home for two mandolins and a guitar that were my father in laws.
They have been in our basement forever wrapped in a couple of plastic bags. Jim kept them after finding them when going thru stuff after his mom died. They were his dad's and we didn't want to just toss them and no one else wanted them, so we kept them, intending someday to getting them cleaned up. So, after Jim died, my brothers told me to trash them. I couldn't do that and they have been in the basement rafters for years.
Well a neighbor moved in down the street and he plays in a band called The Bridge, which plays bluegrass and folk music. He was talking about his restoring one of his guitars and I thought of the instruments in the basement. I brought them up and he is going to look into restoring them and what needs to be done. If they can be fixed at all. it was nice to be able to give them to someone that can appreciate them. I mean, his face got all lit up when he saw them and he immediately started trying to tune them and strum them and such.
It was just a nice moment to see something that I have little emotional attachment to (I never met Jim's dad, he died long before I came along) could give someone a smile. I had kept them because I knew they shouldn't just be tossed in the trash and that they would find a home eventually. I will be interested to see what he can do with them.
They have been in our basement forever wrapped in a couple of plastic bags. Jim kept them after finding them when going thru stuff after his mom died. They were his dad's and we didn't want to just toss them and no one else wanted them, so we kept them, intending someday to getting them cleaned up. So, after Jim died, my brothers told me to trash them. I couldn't do that and they have been in the basement rafters for years.
Well a neighbor moved in down the street and he plays in a band called The Bridge, which plays bluegrass and folk music. He was talking about his restoring one of his guitars and I thought of the instruments in the basement. I brought them up and he is going to look into restoring them and what needs to be done. If they can be fixed at all. it was nice to be able to give them to someone that can appreciate them. I mean, his face got all lit up when he saw them and he immediately started trying to tune them and strum them and such.
It was just a nice moment to see something that I have little emotional attachment to (I never met Jim's dad, he died long before I came along) could give someone a smile. I had kept them because I knew they shouldn't just be tossed in the trash and that they would find a home eventually. I will be interested to see what he can do with them.
Friday, October 8, 2010
TV and Books
Watching TV was also a relaxing way to end the day. Jim and I both were TV addicts and could watch that little box for hours. We would curl up on the couch and end up with a dog on either side of us and watch a movie or a few tv shows we recorded when we couldn't watch them live. Gosh I love my TiVo's.
Being that we met in a movie rental store this is not surprising. Blockbuster Video. Remember vhs tapes guys? You know, you would go to buy one and they were 89.99 or maybe on sale for 69.99 for just one movie. Oh those were the days. Now they are 14.99 at Wal-Mart or you can just stream them direct from Netflix.
We were able to respect each others tastes and there were some things we loved to watch together and some shows that we went into seperate rooms to watch. I think I have told the Columbo story in an earlier blog, but a recap - we were married about 3 years and had moved into our first townhouse. I loved to watch Columbo (dating back to when I watched it with my mom when it was on the mystery movie night in the 70,s) and it was on one afternoon. Jim was watching something downstairs so I turned it on and lay out on the bed. About a half hour later I went downstairs to get a snack and there it is on the downstairs tv. Jim and Gryphon (our first Dal) were on the couch. We loved the fact that neither one of us knew the other was a Columbo fan and we went on to learn more about each others tastes.
I do love older classics - film noir and comedies from the 40's and horror movies from the 50's, so we were well suited in that manner.
One thing I have learned is that since Jim died I am binging a lot more on tv shows. Some of this is also thanks to Netflix and some because of the excess time and need to escape the bleh of the home. I am watching tv shows/series that people have been telling me for a few years to watch. Friday Night Lights is my new favorite, Robin Hood -the UK version, The Office and some others. I love watching these without commercials and with awesome picture quality.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up my first true love - books. I have taken it up a notch and moved into the 21st century. I bought a Kindle from Amazon. I am enjoying the ease of this and am searching out sites for free ebooks. I went shopping for ebooks on Amazon and felt like I was back in the video store where the movies were 89.99. One ebook for 9.99? no thanks. I wish there was a way to get used ebooks. I mean, I love books, but I rarely pay full price with all the used books stores and things like paperbackswap where they are free. I hope the ebook market goes down sometime soon.
One change that I have made, or maybe a habit I went back to, was to have no tv in the bedroom. I read to put myself to sleep. I have done that since I was a kid and sneaking under the covers with the flashlight to read "My side of the Mountain" or "The Black Stallion". Those are treasures I still have on my shelf.
Being that we met in a movie rental store this is not surprising. Blockbuster Video. Remember vhs tapes guys? You know, you would go to buy one and they were 89.99 or maybe on sale for 69.99 for just one movie. Oh those were the days. Now they are 14.99 at Wal-Mart or you can just stream them direct from Netflix.
We were able to respect each others tastes and there were some things we loved to watch together and some shows that we went into seperate rooms to watch. I think I have told the Columbo story in an earlier blog, but a recap - we were married about 3 years and had moved into our first townhouse. I loved to watch Columbo (dating back to when I watched it with my mom when it was on the mystery movie night in the 70,s) and it was on one afternoon. Jim was watching something downstairs so I turned it on and lay out on the bed. About a half hour later I went downstairs to get a snack and there it is on the downstairs tv. Jim and Gryphon (our first Dal) were on the couch. We loved the fact that neither one of us knew the other was a Columbo fan and we went on to learn more about each others tastes.
I do love older classics - film noir and comedies from the 40's and horror movies from the 50's, so we were well suited in that manner.
One thing I have learned is that since Jim died I am binging a lot more on tv shows. Some of this is also thanks to Netflix and some because of the excess time and need to escape the bleh of the home. I am watching tv shows/series that people have been telling me for a few years to watch. Friday Night Lights is my new favorite, Robin Hood -the UK version, The Office and some others. I love watching these without commercials and with awesome picture quality.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up my first true love - books. I have taken it up a notch and moved into the 21st century. I bought a Kindle from Amazon. I am enjoying the ease of this and am searching out sites for free ebooks. I went shopping for ebooks on Amazon and felt like I was back in the video store where the movies were 89.99. One ebook for 9.99? no thanks. I wish there was a way to get used ebooks. I mean, I love books, but I rarely pay full price with all the used books stores and things like paperbackswap where they are free. I hope the ebook market goes down sometime soon.
One change that I have made, or maybe a habit I went back to, was to have no tv in the bedroom. I read to put myself to sleep. I have done that since I was a kid and sneaking under the covers with the flashlight to read "My side of the Mountain" or "The Black Stallion". Those are treasures I still have on my shelf.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Mattresses
I am sleeping on Jim's side of the bed now. Or sometimes almost horizontally across the bed.
My side has reached a point where my back aches when I wake up. After a couple weeks of this I realized it must mean it is time to turn the mattress. We used to do this about once a year. Now it has been at least 3 years or maybe 4.
I tried doing this last week but was not able to barely move the mattress let alone lift and turn it. Ugh. And then I sat down and started getting emotional. Not a full crying jag, but one of those where I wonder when does it end. When do I learn how to do the stuff that other singles have done for years. Is it because I did have someone else to help me and learned to depend on them to help me that I feel lost.
It was a pity party, I know, but it brought out some thoughts I hadn't touched in awhile. Like how to get my life more in order. I keep trying and sometimes feel like I have succeeded but then get that set back that throws it all off.
Probably something that everyone goes thru though. Maybe it was just more intense because my back hurt.
In a conversation I had with another widow yesterday, we lamented about missing our husband's and slogging thru all the things life throws at us. She said "It's hard to handle the bills, the job, the decisions after 23 years of talking to and arguing with someone else about what we should do. I end up arguing with myself and I never win that fight."
I am pleased because I have made progress, I have made changes and I have dealt with a shitload of stuff. It's just little stuff that comes along like the mattress or changing a light bulb in a ceiling fan that hits me. But this is life and I am just venting here. Sometimes to stay positive you have to do that once in awhile.
On the plus side, so this post is not all whining. My friends came and helped me clean up the laundry/tool room. It looks nice now. I was able to put a shelf up in the kitchen that freed up a lot of counter space. I have this new rule - if you eat off of it, it gets washed as it is placed in the sink. This is an important rule because I am notorious for letting dishes pile up. It has been in effect for 6 days now and is still working. Hoorah!
Now I need to go clean up and put away the laundry in the bedroom so I can get some help to move the mattress.
My side has reached a point where my back aches when I wake up. After a couple weeks of this I realized it must mean it is time to turn the mattress. We used to do this about once a year. Now it has been at least 3 years or maybe 4.
I tried doing this last week but was not able to barely move the mattress let alone lift and turn it. Ugh. And then I sat down and started getting emotional. Not a full crying jag, but one of those where I wonder when does it end. When do I learn how to do the stuff that other singles have done for years. Is it because I did have someone else to help me and learned to depend on them to help me that I feel lost.
It was a pity party, I know, but it brought out some thoughts I hadn't touched in awhile. Like how to get my life more in order. I keep trying and sometimes feel like I have succeeded but then get that set back that throws it all off.
Probably something that everyone goes thru though. Maybe it was just more intense because my back hurt.
In a conversation I had with another widow yesterday, we lamented about missing our husband's and slogging thru all the things life throws at us. She said "It's hard to handle the bills, the job, the decisions after 23 years of talking to and arguing with someone else about what we should do. I end up arguing with myself and I never win that fight."
I am pleased because I have made progress, I have made changes and I have dealt with a shitload of stuff. It's just little stuff that comes along like the mattress or changing a light bulb in a ceiling fan that hits me. But this is life and I am just venting here. Sometimes to stay positive you have to do that once in awhile.
On the plus side, so this post is not all whining. My friends came and helped me clean up the laundry/tool room. It looks nice now. I was able to put a shelf up in the kitchen that freed up a lot of counter space. I have this new rule - if you eat off of it, it gets washed as it is placed in the sink. This is an important rule because I am notorious for letting dishes pile up. It has been in effect for 6 days now and is still working. Hoorah!
Now I need to go clean up and put away the laundry in the bedroom so I can get some help to move the mattress.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Singing in the Rain
It has been raining here for a couple days. I took the dogs out for a walk last night around 10 pm and I put on my new rain boots, my black trench coat, my fedora and grabbed an umbrella.
About halfway to the park I realized the dogs were fine on their own (they were tied to each other on a looong leash) and I let them go. They trotted on over to the park which is a half a block away from my house. And I twirled my umbrella sang a little Gene Kelly and splashed in the puddles!
Later, after we were all settled and asleep a bit, I woke from a dream where I was doing the same thing but looked up at the sky to see lightening flashing. I noticed (in the dream) that the lightening was exactly the same pattern over and over. It was odd that I was dreaming about the same thing I had just done that night.
I love my dreams. I love that I remember them for the most part. I had one dream a few years ago that was me but I looked different, had a different life but I know it was really me, experiencing the events, and in the end I found my true love as I did in this life. It was great and I wrote it down.
About halfway to the park I realized the dogs were fine on their own (they were tied to each other on a looong leash) and I let them go. They trotted on over to the park which is a half a block away from my house. And I twirled my umbrella sang a little Gene Kelly and splashed in the puddles!
Later, after we were all settled and asleep a bit, I woke from a dream where I was doing the same thing but looked up at the sky to see lightening flashing. I noticed (in the dream) that the lightening was exactly the same pattern over and over. It was odd that I was dreaming about the same thing I had just done that night.
I love my dreams. I love that I remember them for the most part. I had one dream a few years ago that was me but I looked different, had a different life but I know it was really me, experiencing the events, and in the end I found my true love as I did in this life. It was great and I wrote it down.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Hot tub dreams
I wish I had a hot tub in the basement. Not just a hot tub but a spa like room to go to and relax. No tv. No phone. Just some nice piped in music and my kindle to read some silly romantic novel. It would be all white and there would be a super thick bathrobe and some towel boys to rub me down at the end....okay, well even just a nice hot tub would be fun.
It was a good weekend for getting stuff done. Saturday friends came to help me straignten the back laundry room/tool storage area. My one friend is an organizing fiend and loves to do this kind of thing so I let her go nuts. We had a scrumptious steak house dinner afterwards and today I was just a total bag of do nothingness.
Every once in awhile I need one of those days. To have the spa room in the basement would make it easier as a get away. I wonder if I could make it a secret room. Maybe put a wall up and then paint that with some old boxes, tools, cobwebs, dust and assorted stuff you find in a basement and that would keep others from bothering me.
I am going to start working on this.
It was a good weekend for getting stuff done. Saturday friends came to help me straignten the back laundry room/tool storage area. My one friend is an organizing fiend and loves to do this kind of thing so I let her go nuts. We had a scrumptious steak house dinner afterwards and today I was just a total bag of do nothingness.
Every once in awhile I need one of those days. To have the spa room in the basement would make it easier as a get away. I wonder if I could make it a secret room. Maybe put a wall up and then paint that with some old boxes, tools, cobwebs, dust and assorted stuff you find in a basement and that would keep others from bothering me.
I am going to start working on this.
Friday, September 24, 2010
The last two weeks
The last two weeks have been crazy. No "down" time since the 6th. Every night has been a meeting of some kind. Every day has had some drama in it.
Locked myself out of my house.
Two days in a row.
I was able to get in with help from a neighbor who crawled thru my window and the second time by calling the woman that walks my dogs and getting my key.
I left to go to work without taking my morning medicine.
Two days (well, not in a row but in this week).
I volunteered at our Community Health Fair, took Tigger to the vet, got Zoey transported to the house, helped at the pot luck dinner for the neighborhood group, had a staff meeting at work, took Zoey to the vet, had a birthday dinner and then finally, finally was able to just crash at home for an evening.
That was a lot crammed into 2 weeks and I guess it makes up for all those days of Summer when it was too hot to do anything!
I had intended to blog every other day, but man, by the time I had a chance to stop and breathe, I was too darn tired to blog.
Hopefully things will slow down a bit.
Locked myself out of my house.
Two days in a row.
I was able to get in with help from a neighbor who crawled thru my window and the second time by calling the woman that walks my dogs and getting my key.
I left to go to work without taking my morning medicine.
Two days (well, not in a row but in this week).
I volunteered at our Community Health Fair, took Tigger to the vet, got Zoey transported to the house, helped at the pot luck dinner for the neighborhood group, had a staff meeting at work, took Zoey to the vet, had a birthday dinner and then finally, finally was able to just crash at home for an evening.
That was a lot crammed into 2 weeks and I guess it makes up for all those days of Summer when it was too hot to do anything!
I had intended to blog every other day, but man, by the time I had a chance to stop and breathe, I was too darn tired to blog.
Hopefully things will slow down a bit.
Zoey update
The roll I was on for Blogging in August didn't last into September. Why? well one word can explain it.
Zoey.
She is here and doing well but it has been a non-stop ride of things to do, people to meet and places to go with her.
Zoey and Tigger have settled into a nice style of living. Sort of like dorm mates or house mates. They each have their own sleeping space and they have their shared space and they have their spot on the couch with me, so we are all happy. I was not worried too much because Tigger had done this before - foster dogs in the house - but she hadn't done it in awhile and she hadn't done it without Mercury to back her up. But it is all working out.
Happily, Zoey is NOT pregnant. Or, at least, not pregnant enough to stop her from getting spayed. That will be happening next week. YAY!!! One bullet dodged.
Zoey.
She is here and doing well but it has been a non-stop ride of things to do, people to meet and places to go with her.
Zoey and Tigger have settled into a nice style of living. Sort of like dorm mates or house mates. They each have their own sleeping space and they have their shared space and they have their spot on the couch with me, so we are all happy. I was not worried too much because Tigger had done this before - foster dogs in the house - but she hadn't done it in awhile and she hadn't done it without Mercury to back her up. But it is all working out.
Happily, Zoey is NOT pregnant. Or, at least, not pregnant enough to stop her from getting spayed. That will be happening next week. YAY!!! One bullet dodged.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Zoey
Trying not to get too excited.
Trying not to go out and go crazy buying stuff.
Trying not to think to hard whether this was the right or wrong thing to do.
On Saturday night somewhere around midnight or maybe one a.m. I was cruising Facebook and saw this picture.
A Dalmatian in a kill shelter in NC. She is young, but not sure how young or old. She was to be put to sleep on wednesday. She needed help. A friend posted this and I took one look, debated with myself for a moment and then send him a note saying "I'll take her as a foster". She didn't even have a name. Just F5804. I told my friend her new name is Zoey.
Since then we have contacted a Dalmatian Dog Rescue group down there and they are getting her out on tuesday to go to the vets. She will stay there for check-up and shots and testing for various things like heartworm and such.
She will then be transported via friends from NC up here to me.
Jim and I did this sort of thing for over five years when we lived in the Boston area. I loved it and he always seemed ready for anything I threw at him. Once, driving home from here to Boston I called to tell him of a pick up. A Dal in a shelter in NJ (just off 95). He picked her up, brought her home and then told me that she sat almost on his lap the whole time she was so excited to be out of the shelter and around a human (or so he said).
My nervousness is that I am not sure how Tigger will take it and there is nthing really known about the dog and how she will react to another dog or if she is even housebroken or trained in anyway. I am thinking Tigger will be okay, she will want to be Queen Bee, but I also think she is lonely after losing Mercury and Figaro.
Updates will follow as I learn more!
Trying not to go out and go crazy buying stuff.
Trying not to think to hard whether this was the right or wrong thing to do.
On Saturday night somewhere around midnight or maybe one a.m. I was cruising Facebook and saw this picture.
A Dalmatian in a kill shelter in NC. She is young, but not sure how young or old. She was to be put to sleep on wednesday. She needed help. A friend posted this and I took one look, debated with myself for a moment and then send him a note saying "I'll take her as a foster". She didn't even have a name. Just F5804. I told my friend her new name is Zoey.
Since then we have contacted a Dalmatian Dog Rescue group down there and they are getting her out on tuesday to go to the vets. She will stay there for check-up and shots and testing for various things like heartworm and such.
She will then be transported via friends from NC up here to me.
Jim and I did this sort of thing for over five years when we lived in the Boston area. I loved it and he always seemed ready for anything I threw at him. Once, driving home from here to Boston I called to tell him of a pick up. A Dal in a shelter in NJ (just off 95). He picked her up, brought her home and then told me that she sat almost on his lap the whole time she was so excited to be out of the shelter and around a human (or so he said).
My nervousness is that I am not sure how Tigger will take it and there is nthing really known about the dog and how she will react to another dog or if she is even housebroken or trained in anyway. I am thinking Tigger will be okay, she will want to be Queen Bee, but I also think she is lonely after losing Mercury and Figaro.
Updates will follow as I learn more!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
September, oh Yes
September is here!
Yes. September is a fun month. The start of school, a few birthdays (mine included), the beginning of touches of fall and a nip in the air.
The pic is one taken from the front porch of our house in Randolph about 10 years ago. I loved sitting on that porch and watch the sun go down. Twilight hour was always a wonderful time.
A long day of work or fun was over, the night was settling in and there was almost like a changing of the guard. Certain sounds faded away and others came out.
This is sort of what the first few weeks of fall is. A changing of the guard from summer to winter. An easing into the cool nights, warmer clothes and falling leaves. One day would be a remembrance of the heat and the next could be a look forward to the cold to come. There is no way to know what Fall will do with the temperatures. A night worthy of a trip to the Drive In and the next day a blazing hot afternoon designed for a barbecue and pool party.
Somewhere the end of September will show us the settling in of Fall and the colors explode and the nights drop in temperature so there is no question about no more AC but just a wonder when to the heat on for the first time.
Yep, September.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Almost heaven
Monday morning of a mini vacation. I took Friday, Monday and Tuesday off of work and spent the weekend enjoying that time with some friends. Today is run around and do errands and such kind of day. However, it hasn't started yet. I have been very relaxed and not moving this morning. But that's okay, that's what a vacation is about...to relax a bit.
On Saturday the three of us drove down and along Skyline drive. It was beautiful. I loved seeing for miles and miles and miles across the Shenandoah Valley and across acres of beautiful trees and more mountains. The drive thru the National Park was spaced with "overlooks" where you could pull off and pull out the binoculars to take a look.
We stopped atone of the overlooks and it was filled with Butterflies. There was one guy sitting on the edge of the curb and I lowered my finger down and he stepped on it. Sort of like when you offer your finger to a bird. Anyway, I raised up very slowly and my friend took this pic. I hope you see the feeling of wonder at holding something so beautiful in my face. I tossed my hand up and he flew away. That feeling was with me for most of the trip. To feel the cool air on my face as we drove about 30 mph, to be so high up that there were clouds below us and to share this with friends was really nice. A good day was had by all.
Throughout the day John Denvers song "Almost Heaven West Virgina" kept playing through my head. Skyline drive is technically not in WVA, but we travelled through to get there and it just seemed a very appropriate song for the feeling of the day. I had wanted a day out of and away from the city.
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