Thursday, October 7, 2010


I am sleeping on Jim's side of the bed now. Or sometimes almost horizontally across the bed.

My side has reached a point where my back aches when I wake up. After a couple weeks of this I realized it must mean it is time to turn the mattress. We used to do this about once a year. Now it has been at least 3 years or maybe 4.

I tried doing this last week but was not able to barely move the mattress let alone lift and turn it. Ugh. And then I sat down and started getting emotional. Not a full crying jag, but one of those where I wonder when does it end. When do I learn how to do the stuff that other singles have done for years. Is it because I did have someone else to help me and learned to depend on them to help me that I feel lost.

It was a pity party, I know, but it brought out some thoughts I hadn't touched in awhile. Like how to get my life more in order. I keep trying and sometimes feel like I have succeeded but then get that set back that throws it all off.

Probably something that everyone goes thru though. Maybe it was just more intense because my back hurt.

In a conversation I had with another widow yesterday, we lamented about missing our husband's and slogging thru all the things life throws at us. She said "It's hard to handle the bills, the job, the decisions after 23 years of talking to and arguing with someone else about what we should do. I end up arguing with myself and I never win that fight."

I am pleased because I have made progress, I have made changes and I have dealt with a shitload of stuff. It's just little stuff that comes along like the mattress or changing a light bulb in a ceiling fan that hits me. But this is life and I am just venting here. Sometimes to stay positive you have to do that once in awhile.

On the plus side, so this post is not all whining. My friends came and helped me clean up the laundry/tool room. It looks nice now. I was able to put a shelf up in the kitchen that freed up a lot of counter space. I have this new rule - if you eat off of it, it gets washed as it is placed in the sink. This is an important rule because I am notorious for letting dishes pile up. It has been in effect for 6 days now and is still working. Hoorah!

Now I need to go clean up and put away the laundry in the bedroom so I can get some help to move the mattress.


Sharon said...


Yes, you have come a long way, and I commend you, not only for asking/accepting help....but also for trying to continually organize and/or improvise.

Having been single now for over 25 years, I still let areas of home "go" -- like replacing light fixture/covers after replacing light bulbs -- or the never-completed-painting project in my hallway...where the doors are still off the hinges. It's truly amazing what I learn to live with ;) and not notice most of the time.

Now, a fairy godmother with that magical wand....or Samantha and her twitching nose would really make my day ---- Hope you have a blessed weekend,

Ferree Bowman Hardy said...

Mattresses are a bear to flip! I hope you can get some friends over to help with it, and then go out for another steak dinner. I love your spa idea too--we all need a getaway, even if it's just a dream. :)