Can you read my mind?

I think many times in the last two years, I have mentioned in my blogs that Jim was a Superman. He loved comic books and superheros. He was always helping those in need from a small thing like a ride somewhere to helping them have the wedding they could never afford by holding it in our house. It was just his way.

Superman was one of Jim's favorite movies. He watched the version with Christopher Reeve too many times to count. A kazillion or more. We have lots of Superman stuff in the house. Many of them are t-shirts. The backwards S symbol on the right is from one of his favorites. It's a purple Bizarro Superman shirt. If you don't know what that means, google it. I wore it to sleep in last night and it is like eating chocolate. The shirt is a comfort and gave me warm smiles and good memories of Jim because when he wore it he was in good spirits and happy. A friend sent me this song in an email this morning. It seemed a good thing to share.

Sometimes with Jim I did feel like his 'Lois' and wondered if he could read my mind because he would know what to say, when to give me a hug and just how to make me smile. I can only hope that Jim is reading my mind now. He is missed here.

Can You Read My Mind


Can you read my mind?
Do you know what it is you do to me?
Don't know who you are
Just a friend from another star

Here I am, like a kid at the school
Holding hands with a god or a fool
Will you look at me, quivering,
Like a little girl, shivering
You can see right through me.

Can you read my mind?
Can you picture the things I'm thinking of?
Wondering why you are
All the wonderful things you are.
You can fly - You belong to the sky
You and I could belong to each other.

If you need a friend,
I'm the one to fly to
If you need to be loved
Here I am
Read my mind!

Will you look at me, quivering,
Like a little girl, shivering
You can see right through me.

If you need a friend,
I'm the one to fly to
If you need to be loved
Here I am
Read my mind!

Read my mind.

Jim's remembered and growing

Last year I sent an email out asking friends and family to do Jim the honor by planting something. My Aunt and Uncle did this. There is a beautiful flowering bush in their front lawn that they call "Jim's Bush". They sent me a picture about a month ago when it was in bloom. I love it.

When I stayed at my brothers at Easter time I was able to plant a bush in his backyard in Jim's honor. I used my brother backyard because ours will not fit any kind of plant other then in a pot. Anyway, in my brothers yard now is a small shrub that has a very pretty blue/purple bloom and is said to attract butterflies. It is called the caryopteris Dark Knight. I knew as soon as I saw it, I had to have one. Jim being the Superhero Comic book hero that he was, it was perfect. I put a small stone near it that had "I Love You" etched on the side. I hope it grows big and bushy and flowery.

I especially liked the "attracts" butterflies part of this plant because one thing that has stuck in my head is the wives tale - when you see a white butterfly, it is a loved one watching over you. I saw many white butterflies last year and hope to see them again this year.

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Several other friends planted in Jim's honor. My friend Robin has a plants in the form of the Superman symbol in her backyard and another friend sent me a photo of the flowers she planted in her front yard.

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I have been very lucky in being able to not only keep green and alive but also to have thrive, three plants that were sent in an arrangement to the funeral home at Jim's viewing. I don't know who sent them. I wish I did so I could thank them. I have not had luck in the past with houseplants. One was a peace lily that lives in my bathtub. In a planter, but in the tub because it has the best light for the plant.

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The other two plants are at work and one is some vine that is amazing in it's growth. I smile as I see it because it is doing so well it makes me happy. Of course it is one of the 'easiest' houseplants to grow, but still, I used to have a black thumb. Now I feel more confident. This plant represents a love that someone had for Jim, and by them sending it, wanted me to know that he was special, not just to me but to others. The plant is a lot longer than this one in the photo, the vines reach down almost 3 feet. It has been fun to watch it grow over the last two years.

I am going to the nursery up the road tomorrow to look for another 'Jim' plant and try to see what I can find. I love the thought that plants are growing strong in honor of Jim.

More thoughts

Here is the one thing that has been on my mind on and off today.
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When Jim died I went into a pretty severe shock. There was all kinds of things with all kinds of people and no one really said 'okay betts here's what we need to do'. Looking back it seems things were figured out in a haphazard way. We were all in a bit of a shock. Some things were sort of done but others were forgotten. As I reflect maybe I should have done more. I created the photo board for his viewing and it was an all day project that taxed my emotions as I looked at our years in the pictures. His years.
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Anyway, what I am sad about and thinking about is that there was no 'wake'. No time after the viewing for all of us friends and family to be comfortable and have some food together and talk and remember him. It makes me sad now. I feel like it should have happened, but no one organized it. The viewing itself was very nice and lots and lots of people showed up and lots spoke about how Jim affected their lives. So I will hold those memories dear to me.
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I remember my father saying that Jim was like a son to him. This really struck deep in me because my dad is not one prone to say things like this. Many years ago I remember my Mom telling me how proud she was of Jim and I and that struck deep also.

Those days

For Jimbo

Thank you for the days,

Those endless days,

Those sacred days you gave me.

I'm thinking of the days,

I won't forget a single day,

Believe me

Betsy and Mercury and Tigger

Taken last week by a friend. I don't have many of me and the dogs because I am usually the one behind the camera. Which I don't mind, except sometimes, it is nice to see yourself. Then I grab at my hair and think 'oh my god why didn't he tell me it looked like that'. Mercury and I went out for a walk and the photographer followed. Then we came back and snuggled on the back porch with Tigger.

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As long as I live

As long as I can
I will look at this world
For both of us.

As long as I can
I will laugh with the birds,
I will sing with the flowers,
I will pray to the stars,
For both of us.

As long as I can
I will remember
How many things
On this earth
Were your joy,
and I will live
As well as you
Would want me to live
As long as I can.

Sascha
For Both of Us," Wintersun

Not much here

It's thursday and it's warm out and I am not sure where this will go but I wanted to write. So it will be a rambling blog.

My life right now is a creative mass of super stress and super brain exploding situations.

Super stress at work as the clock ticks down on the date of the Community Health fair that I am the organizer of and is being sponsored by the office. I am finding exibitors, making calls, emails and checking off lists. I didn't know it would be this difficult or that I would be doing it alone. Wow, doesn't that sound familiar.

Brain exploding situation is Mercury and what is happening with him. The vet said it was a matter of one or two months depending on his pain level. The cancer is back, the pain is still there when he eats sometimes. He is quiet and snuggly most of the time. Looking at me with those brown eyes that are melting my heart and making me cry for him. Then ten minutes later, if it involves getting up and going outside for a walk...he is ready, chipper and up.

It hurts just to know that he won't be around soon. But I am trying to do the best I can for him. I am afraid that I just won't know 'when' the time will come. I don't want him to be in pain, but I don't want to let him go yet either.

There is more stacked on top of both of these, but that's the big gist of it. Last week was the super stress, this week has been more 'get 'er done' type of mood. The health fair is sneaking up on me (June 20) and I have to get more people locked into coming.

I realized today at lunch with a friend that I have not eaten at home since Monday at lunch. Monday night I went to dinner with friends, same for Tuesday night and Wednesday night. Wednesday lunch I was out with our office to celebrate one woman getting her masters. I will be home eating left overs from the doggie bags tonight. It's been fun, different foods each night and different places to enjoy. Tuesday night was some really great Greek food, yesterday lunch was a fantastic turkey cheeseburger with sweet potato fries. Yummy.

Smiles

I Find Your Love

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I'll catch your smile on someone's face

Your whisper in the wind's embrace

Through diamond stars and songs and dreams

I find your love in everything

The sun, the sky, the rolling sea

All conspire to comfort me

From sorrow's edge life's beauty seems

To find your love in everything

I've come to trust the hope it brings

To find your love in everything

Even as I fall apart,

Even through my shattered heart

I'll catch your smile on someone's face.....amazing grace

The poem was found on a messageboard for those that have lost loved ones. I read it and thought of the smiles that Jim always had. And the special ones he had for me.

Drool and flowers

This past week has been a whirlwind of moments. At work, at home, out and about. Keeping up has been hard to do. And coordinating it has been tricky. My blog posts have been neglected.
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Mercury and I go to the vets tomorrow to see what is up. But I already know. He is showing the same symptoms with food that he was showing a few months ago. And the base of his tongue - what is left of it - is very red. I need to see how much he is suffering, if antibiotics and pain meds may help more and make decisions. I was hoping for more time.
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That is either the cancer coming back or irratation when he eats. I am trying to make the food up myself and feed him, but he wants to eat, to chew, to taste. He walks around looking for things to try and eat. He is trying so hard to make it work. Then it gets stuck in the front of his mouth and he doesn't have the tongue to push it loose. Then it just becomes a drooling mess.
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Home is a challenge because with Mercury sick keeping things clean is nigh impossible. Things like the couch, my pants, my shirt my arms, the kitchen floor - they all get drool in various stages of ickiness on them. I have him regulated to two rooms and outside. I sat down last night to watch Lost and he came up, rubbed his face on my shirt and looked up at me. My shirt was soaked but his eyes stopped me from saying anything. I took the shirt off, wiped the rest of his mouth and chest with it and tossed it in the wash. Then I cried a little for him and yes, for me too and gave him another pain pill.
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I have about a dozen or so pictures of the two dogs in the doorway to the house. They love to sit there and just smell the outside. To watch the neighbors up and down the street and enjoy the breeze. I am usually on the steps just below the doorway making sure that a) they don't run out and b) the cat doesn't run out. I was sitting there the other day when I thought "photo op" and came back out with the camera.
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The bright light this week was in the wonderful amass of colors in my backyard. I went back out and got some more flowers and potted them for various spots around the yard. I also got this great hose - it is a coil hose. I love it because of the small yard, but especially because of the nozzle. To be able to 'shower' the flowers or 'jet' the concrete where the dogs pee or just 'mist' in the early morning is really neat. It is a simple pleasure, a simple toy, for a simple mind.
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The picture to the right is the yard. And it ends just about at the end of the grill in the right corner. Small and cozy. The graffiti on the back wall is mine. I did that one afternoon when I was tired of just looking back there and seeing the fence. It is a larger version of a doodling design that I find myself doing whenever I have paper and a pen and am on the phone. It is different all the time and there is some pyschological things to be said about it, but I don't know what.
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I can't remember the name of the flowers in the hangling baskets. Purple bursts of Pleasure. Well, this picture doesn't do them justice, but I absolutely love the colors and find them uplifting when I look at them.
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To look out at once was grey cement, grey fence and bare dirt where there should be grass, and see all this is cool for me. I find that I shake my head up and down saying 'yep, you got it right this time'. That makes me smile.

2 hours

Aren't Saturdays great? It can be either a day of energy and ambition or a day of sloth. I decided to combine the two. Energy for two hours, sloth for two hours. It works.

I got up energized and did some cleaning. My cleaning has become straightening the areas that the public may walk in and see. The upstairs gets a once over and hanging of clothes. Not a great method. Every once in awhile I really attack the other areas - bedroom and office and ignore the downstairs.

Then it was sit hang out in the yard and pretend that I am gardening when really I am talking to the dogs and admiring the plants that are in bloom. Good choices this year and the yard really pops.

I have talked about the Sundays that Jim and I had - drives to no where and days spent together. Saturdays for most of the marriage either he or I or both of us had to work. That was one reason Sundays were so special. The last couple years before he died, I was working 9-5 and M-F, so my Saturdays were my own. I enjoyed this sort of 'personal space' day. I would do chores, run errands and yet still have the quiet house and ability to read or watch tv without worrying about coordinating things with Jim.

It is still strange to have 7 days a week like that now. I have to think about the dogs and cat, but not about the other human and what they might need. It has only been in the last six months that I have really come to realize this. Going to see my brother at Thanksgiving was a turning point in that I traveled, where I wanted and when I wanted. And I could do that again...if I wanted. It is interesting how things sometimes just 'click'. Oh I certainly would happily give up this freedom to have Jim back, but my brain is finally acknowledging that he isn't coming back. Unless I finally do wake up and find that it has been a life lesson for me (think wizard of oz or christmas carol). Though I wonder if it counts when I still talk to him.

So now my relaxing two hours is up and it is onward to errands.

couches

What an interesting month May is.

I never noticed it before, but there is a lot going on. May 1st is May day. May 2nd, well that's my brothers birthday, May 4th is May the Fourth be with You day, May 5th is Cinco de Mayo day. All that in just one week.

Coming up is Mothers Day, Memorial Day and Jim's memorial day. This is enough special days for 3 months.

I realized tonight that we are becoming our parents. They always said it would happen, but it is. My siblings and I got together this past saturday and we were comparing stories and sharing family events. 3 of the 4 of us talked about falling asleep on the couch around 9pm and then waking just as the news came on at eleven. I was one of those 3. I found myself doing it again tonight. Dinner and dishes done. Dogs walked. Settling down on the couch to watch some tv and finding myself falling asleep.

I thought about how my mom would do that and I would say "no way - if I ever get that tired I would go to bed". Silly young me didn't think that what she was doing was what I was trying to do tonight. Spend time with the kids. I feel like I never really spend time with the dogs except on the couch or on a walk. Mom may have been pushing herself to stay awake so she could be around us as kids. Ah, if we only knew.

23 and more

April 29th, 2007 and Jim was still alive. He was putting in a transfer to try and get a job in PA and maybe we could move. I had started a new job in January. His brother had passed a way from cancer just a few weeks earlier and he was struggling with that. It was all just 23 months ago.

I have been so busy at work that I didn't even realize the date till about 3 p.m. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and my brain froze. I was in almost a meltdown stage when I got home, let the dogs out and looked at the mail. There, in the mail, a card. I wasn't expecting a card, it's not my birthday or any holiday. I opened the card and found a note and a couple of photos of a bush with some pink flowers (forsythia?). The card was from my Uncle Ed and Aunt Audena. It was a thank you card but really it was a note to tell me that they were thinking of me and more, they were thinking of Jim. The bush in the photos had been planted in memory of Jim. I didn't even know they had done this. They said they think of him when they look at it. It made me realize, once again, how many people he had touched.

Visiting my Aunt and Uncle on some of the holidays after my Mom passed away was something Jim and I did and enjoyed. Maybe once or twice a year we would go up and hang out with the cousins and have some fun. Great Halloween and NYE parties were found there. The fun really came in the family togetherness and the way they adopted Jim into the family so easily. They live about an 90 minutes away so we would drive up and make it a day trip.

I really miss driving with Jim. Or rather, riding with Jim on the day trips we would take. It was like we would get in the truck and just shoot in different directions. One time it may be due north and we would stop and see the cemetary where my Mom and grandparents are buried. Or maybe head west and stop in Gettysburg for the weekend, or East and just travel till we found someplace good to have dinner and then head home.

The fun was in the traveling together, the talking and sharing our favorite music with each other. Until I played some Toby Keith for him, you wouldn't have guessed that Jim was a country music fan. Well, he wasn't. Just Toby Keith fan I guess. He loved singing those songs. I learned Beatles music from him. Oh, and a lot of Beatles trivia also. I wasn't a Beatles music lover till I was in the truck with Jim singing it. He would look over and sing it right to me. Those were special moments.

Unwilling Tourist

One of the things left to me from my Dad is a 30 page memoir of the time he spent in the Army during World War 2.
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My father never spoke about this time while we were growing up. That is common for the soldiers of that time and for the ones of today. He was a civilian soldier. That was what they were in WW2. Not drafted, didn't join to make it a career, they joined because their country needed them. The photo to the right is Dad just out of boot camp. On leave before going overseas.
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My father was in Company A, 301 Regiment, 94th infantry, Third Army. He volunteered to join the Special 1st Battalion Recon. The 94th infantry was under General George Patton. Something my father was very proud of, and yet as children it was not spoken about (though I remember him taking all of us to see the movie Patton when it came out, I was 9). Dad fought in France and was in several battles and then captured and was a POW for 9 months.
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The memoir gave a lot of information about not only the battles but what his state of mind was during that time. It was fascinating for me as a daughter to read this and get this insight into my father. To read of his bravery and his fear and his hunger and his hope. Well, it was amazing.
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I have attended several of the 94th infantry reunions that were held. They have had one a year for the past 59 years. My dad found out about them in 1986 and went to them every year since then. The photo on the right is him and my stepmom at the reunion in 2008. He died about a month and a half later. He seemed to know this and told us at the reunion that it would be his last one. He had all his children and several of Betty's kids and he paid the bill for all of us and our rooms. He wanted us all there.
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The hat he is wearing is now on mantel in a shadow box with a couple of his other 94th items. I have it next to Jim's flag given to me for his service in the Navy.
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At the reunions in the past I found myself listening to the men as they spoke of their time during the war. Some told stories about fallen comrades and some argued points of strategy from a battle 60 years ago. A few years ago I was at one of the reunions and Jim was not there. He came to most of them, so I am not sure why he missed this one. Work most likely.
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Anyway, as it got into the night, the men at our table seemed to forget I was there and they shared stories of a particularly bad battle that at least 3 of them were in. My dad was not. I started taking notes in dim light on paper napkin. One man was telling how he and his buddy went in to the battle and his buddy fell, dead, two shots in his chest. The man scooped him up and tried to carry him out of range. More shots rained down around him and he said, almost in tears, that he used his friends body as a shield so that he could get to safety.
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Dad was captured along with others on January 16. 1945. His memories of his time as a POW were both interesting and sad. He wrote about the hunger when they were prisoners and the red cross boxes that never made it to them. There was one potato a day for 12 men and how they would have to stretch that to make it thru till the next day. He was an artist and to do something while the days dragged on, he would draw using charcoal from the fire. He started doing this on walls of barns where they stayed and he wrote that many of the other POW's would ask him to draw on their jackets. He said the things most often requested were pictures of food. One interesting observation that my dad made was the division of black and white in the army. And yet, how that dissolved when they became prisoners.
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The 94th Infantry has a monument for their service down in Fort Benning, Geogia. My father designed it. He was very proud of this and worked on it for months. All four of his children attended the dedication ceremony in Georgia. This is a photo taken of him (on the left). The ceremony was wonderful and afterwards we visited a room just filled with war memorabilia - jackets, maps, guns, lots of photos and many more things that members had donated for the museum.
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I am going to create a pdf of his memoir and send it to my siblings. I would like them to share it with their children. I am very honored and proud of my dad and what he did for our country.

Big and Red

I am getting a Fire Truck!!!

The fax from the Fire Department came today and they said they will have a Fire Truck coming to the Health Fair for 2 hours. The Health Fair is an event that I am organizing and 98% has been with no help. That wasn't how it was supposed to be, but since I am the one committed to it, I am the one doing the work. I am feeling good about what I have gotten done and who is lined up to come. It has been a couple months of sending emails, calling offices and getting confirmations. I don't think I will ever do anything like this again, but this once taught me a lot.

Just doing the happy dance about the fire truck. Now, if I could get somebody to walk my dogs down there, I could get pics of them with the truck!!

The Sunny day and the Dark Knight

Yesterday was a simply gorgeous day. Bright sun, no humidity and warm temperatures. I decided to make it a backyard day.

First was to spend a couple hours helping my fellow neighbors to clean up our streets and alleys. There is a 'clean up day' twice a year when we go out in small groups and attack various parts of our neighborhood. We had both young and old helping and it was nice to see them together. Granted, the young male teens all gravitated towards the slightly older but still young pretty young grad students that were there, but no matter, because it got the job done.

I came home and took in the view from my bathroom of our yard. Yes, the bathroom has a huge window, much larger than is normal for a bathroom. It overlooks the backyard. I looked out there and thought of how things have been the same for 6 years. So I closed my eyes and thought of how to rearrange the yard and more specifically the things in the yard. I came up with a plan and started in on it.

First thing was to go get some color. It was off to Home Depot, Walmart and a local nursery. I got some hanging baskets of pansies, some tiger lily's and some pretty purple plants I am not sure what they are called.

Then it was move everything out of the yard, hose all the cement down and put things back the way I wanted. There are still modifications to be made, but I think it will work rather well. My table won't be sinking in the dirt (it's on the cement area) and the dogs space will be easier to clean. An encouraging note was when I found the small japanese maple that I put in a pot last year actually survived and seems to be growing. When I say small, I mean small. It's height is about 8 inches and it has some very miniature leaves. It did persevere the winter and I gave it some fresh dirt and some plant food. I got that as a freebie last year from our community garden. They advertised free trees. I went expecting something a couple feet tall and got a small sprout. I wanted to plant this in honor of Jim. Well, I guess I did, and hopefully it will keep on going.

Speaking of planting in honor of Jim. While visiting my brother I was able to see what a great garden and landscape area he had. They went out to the nursery as a family afternoon event and I went along. I just wandered the back area of the nursery looking at plants and trees and bushes. While there I stumbled across a bush/shrub called the caryopteris Dark Knight. It is a small shrub that has a very pretty blue/purple bloom and is said to attract butterflies. I knew as soon as I saw it, I had to have one. I talked with my brother and he agreed that I could plant them in his yard. I bought two. One in remembrance of my father and one in remembrance of Jim.

Now, here is what you must understand. Jim is a Batman fan. I mean, he has the comics, the model Batmobile, he can quote lines from the movie, he has Adam Wests autograph on a dvd of the Batman movie from the 60's. Hanging in a closet is the Batman costume that he made himself and wore for halloween one year. That is special because I helped, after seeing him struggle with the mask part, I found in a Halloween shop a latex mask at half price. It was the perfect touch to the costume.

Batman is even a part of what brought us together. I went to his store to apply for a job and had the Batman button on my coat, he noticed and mentioned it when I got the job application from him. I pinned it to the application so he would remember me. He did.

Finding this bush was a sign. I mean, Batman is the Dark Knight. Jim is Batman. This was the perfect choice for something to plant for him. Which amusing me because I struggled last year to have a tree planted at the one year mark and didn't make it (well, except for the small japanese maple in the pot out back). I knew that nothing I had seen to plant was right. Yet.

I asked my brother to plant these in his yard because he has the space and he will be in that house for many more years. I left a rock with "I love you" on it at the base of the plant.

At the nursery yesterday I learned that these plants can be kept in a large pot for the deck and will last a few years before they may outgrow it. I am going to pick one up next week and have it in the yard. A Dark Knight to watch over me.

Sunday and photos

A friend of mine was talking about memories of her lost one. Her daughter. It started me thinking this morning, early this morning about memories of my Jim.
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I started the blog to try and remember all the things I could about Jim and I and what we had together and to do this so he wouldn't be forgotten. So I wouldn't forget.
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I was reviewing my photo files in a hope to get them organized. I have tons of photos stored on my pc and external hard drive. Many are duplicates that have been put into two or three files - the same photo under "Jim" and "Family pics" and "Jim and Betsy". I am not sure of a good method to get them sorted out.
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However, I did pull up one of the last photos taken of Jim. We were visiting his brother and wife in Georgia and there is a great shot of Jim and I on a bench at the local market. I magnifyed the shot of Jim's head and sat here staring at it.
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I started to think about all the things I really loved about this man.
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The eyebrows, and the feel of them under my fingertips. He had bushy eyebrows that reminded me very much of my father's. Jim kept his trimmed and neat, my Dad let his grow wild. From there my eyes strayed to his eyes and looking at this picture I could almost feel myself touching his warm smooth skin. He was a good looking man for his age and though life had not been easy for him, his face didn't show it. .
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I smile as I look at the mole above the right eye on his forehead, just because it was a part of him. I smile more when I look at the small scar above the left eye. That's where he said his first wife hit him with an iron. Oh he was a charmer, he was. I smile and shake my head at the goatee he has in this picture. I wasn't crazy about it, and so when asked, I told the funeral home to shave it off. He would grow a goatee every few years and this last time was when he got his new job - he wanted a new look. He was very proud of his 1/16th or so American Indian blood he had in him. He claimed that was why he was not able to grow a full beard. He really had no facial hair along the side of his face and it was an interesting quirk.
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I look at his face overall and I see the love of life that he had. It is projected even though he isn't really smiling in the photo, there is a hint of one. But rather in the whole way he looks and how he is on the edge of a grin with the eyes twinkling and the slightly cocked head. Yep that was Jim. He really loved his laughter and to have others laughing.
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You can't see me in this cropped version, but beside him in this photo is me. I am sitting there and smiling. I have this look on my face which you see in many photos of Jim and I. It is a look of pride to be next to him. A friend said it is a look of happiness to be a part of this duo.

Dog food meatballs

Today was the first low stress day in a few. Getting in the groove with taking care of Mercury has been a strain but adding another dog that is jealous of the attention and shows me she is jealous by peeing as soon as I walk out the door or if I go upstairs. Yes, that is Tigger I am talking about.

Mercury's diet consists of dog food meatballs. I haven't gotten them perfected yet, but if I can make them small and sort of toss them at him they go deep down his throat and he doesn't have to struggle. They vet says that eventually he will learn a new way to eat, but for now this gets him his food. There is a bucket of water out back now with water for him. It is easier for him to drink that way then with the regular bowl. He sort of slurps it up.

I suggest to anyone who has a dog that has had 60% of his tongue removed to never ever look inside the mouth. I did it yesterday and I totally freaked. There was just this hole/space/nothingness where there used to be a big lappy drooly tongue. I sat and cried.

Dogs aside, I realized last night that I am catching myself forgetting things. Jim things. The feel of his hands on my hips or his kiss is more a memory of a memory. I long to hear his voice and may run the one where he is in a play. He is saying lines like a character (Clark Kent) but it will still be his voice.

Dog days

I picked up Mercury from the vet yesterday. He is off of pain meds and seems pretty chirpy. The vet said he is eating, but we have a special method to get around him having to chew too much and thus use the tongue. He is drinking a lot of water and I am not sure if that is because he is dehydrated from the kennel or if it eases his tongue. He snuggled on the couch with me last night and it was wonderful to have both dogs near me.

I know there is a limited time with him, but am unsure how limited. I guess the trick is one day at a time.

Painting the bunny

Jack is hunting for Easter eggs.

This Easter was spent at my older brothers home and with his family. It was a good weekend and a lot of fun. He has a couple of great daughters and his wife and he open the home up to extended family every weekend. I loved their tradition of Friday night/family night dinner and the big Sunday evening family dinner. It shows a wonderful spirit of what we had when we were growing up with my parents.

My great nephew is a little guy named Jack. In the photo below he is helping Nona (grandmom) to 'paint the bunny'. Painting is what he called it when they were putting the icing on the cake. After done icing it they put some jellybeans in for the ears. Well Jack decided that two jellybeans was not enough and proceeded to stick jellybeans wherever he could on that poor bunny.
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He is a very intelligent and quick learning two year old. He remembered me from my Thanksgiving visit and wasn't shy about interacting with me. He is also the first grandchild so he is surrounded by 7 adults ranging in age from 21- 81. Oh, yes, he has his melt downs but then what two year old doesn't?

One thing that was interesting - my brother and I talked about what I wanted to do in the future. I told him I never really felt like Baltimore was 'home' even after 20 years here. And I would like to be closer to family. It was okay when Jim was around and my Dad was nearby, but now, there is no family to lean on or visit with. He told me that even after 20 years where he is, it didn't feel like 'home'. We even briefly talked of my moving closer to them. I was happy that he didn't dissuade the idea. He even told me of a place to apply for a job. I left feeling good about life at the moment and it was definately a good visit.

Thursday

I will be in and out most of the weekend, so posting will be spotty (ha ha).

Mercury update - I went to the vets today and they want to keep him a little longer. They did let me sit in an exam room and see him. I talked to him for a bit, rubbed his ears and gave him hugs. He rubbed his slobber and bits of blood on me and then lay down and put his head on my lap while I lavished love on him. I talked to him about how his daddy was watching over him and making sure that things were okay. I told him the cancer sucks but maybe daddy is lonely and needs to have Merc because they were buddies. Gryphon our first Dal is hanging out with Jim but Gryph was more my dog than Jim's. Mercury bonded to Jim a lot more. So I told him that we would have a great summer together and we would see how things went along. There was a lot of wet food in his future and I know how much he enjoys that. At the word "food" he perked his head up and looked at me with those adorable brown eyes. I had to stop talking for a bit. I think in the end though, we both felt calmer afterwards.

The vet tech said she was happy to see how calm he was because sometimes seeing an owner gets them all riled up. But he has always been a pretty calm guy and I am sure the drugs he is on helped too. Well, and besides my calming personality (again, ha ha). I tried anyway. At one point when I was noticing how dusty it was and my eyes were getting leaky, I stopped and told myself that he shouldn't feel my agitation and I calmed down.

On another note, shopping for an Easter outfit is really tough. I couldn't find any pretty pastel colors to wear and I am not sure what I will do. All the suits with pants or skirts are for the fall and winter, so they are dark. I hate fashion. I am happy in a polo shirt and jeans and some crocs.

Extensive

So my last newsflash was a bit premature. I mean, it was good in that Mercury made it thru the surgery, but not good in that the report the vet gave me afterwards was bad.

The vet was able to remove only 60% of the tumor on his tongue. And he said it was extensive, more than he thought, and that being so, it will come back aggressively.

I may have the summer with Mercury. We are not sure what timeline to give it. 4, 6 or 8 months.

I will enjoy the time and let him know that he is loved.

Out in the field

Newsflash:
Mercury is okay at the moment. He had the surgery on his tongue to hopefully remove all or most of the cancerous cells. I called the vets and they said he is groggy and they may want to keep him overnight, and I should call back at 6pm to actually talk to the vet about it. I am happy because his coming out of the anathesia was a worry. What is next is a bigger worry.

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So now, you will get treated to a few more Mercury and Tigger pictures. These were taken just Saturday at my Dad's.
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They started the day off running -
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And they end the day in utter bliss and exhaustion!

Sunday

It was a very pretty Sunday. That sort of spring on the edge of summer day. I spent the morning making a list of all the things I needed to do around the house. Then, when it came to do them I opted for a couple hours in the backyard on the bench with a dog and a book. The time spent outside was calming and enjoyable in that I could rub Mercury's ears with one hand and hold my book with the other. I am reading a series known as the "southern vampires" that is about a southern woman and her vampire boyfriend. It came out before Twilight and there is a series of the books now. It is a murder mystery series that has the twist of vampire in it.

Sometimes you just need a day like that. It doesn't happen often, but that makes it all the more appreciated.

I went out this afternoon to get my hair trimmed. I am horrible at keeping it under control or 'in style'. When it grows out to a certain point I whack at it myself till I can't stand what I do to it and then I stalk off to the stylist. Today's stylist took a bit too much off. I guess it is good for the summer and it will grow back, but really it was at a length that I was liking and I only wanted a trim for god's sake. Sigh.

The search for what to wear on Easter Sunday to church is on. I am horrible at picking things like this out and am even worse at finding stuff that fits. In my mind, I think of myself about 4 sizes smaller than I really am. This makes it tough. I would love to go on one of those extreme makeover shows. Get the lipo for my belly and arms, the teeth reconstruction and a nose job. I guess I have to start trying on skirts and shoes to see which ones still fit. Another sigh there.

Today was an awakening more than ever before that the warm months are coming. I had windows and door open and was airing the house to get the winter smell out of the place. Out with the old, in with the new.

Dad's on a Saturday

These shots were taken in the previous years at my Dad's farm. I don't think any words can add to the photos. The last pic was taken on the dock where my Dad's ashes will be released in the pond on Easter. This is as per his wishes and I think very appropriate.

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The dogs and I are going out to my Dad's today. The weather is going to be nice, the sky sunny and they can run around and have some fun. I am going to take some photos and capture some memories.

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Technically the farm isn't Dad's but my stepmom's. She has always encouraged us to come out and it is a great escape from the city. A country place that is not really farmed, it is more a house on a hill with a yard - a huge yard - and a hill leading down to a picnic area and a pond.

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Readers will have to suffer through pics of the dynamic duo at Dad's. I know it will be painful to see unbashed cuteness, but people show off their children so I will show of my babies. : )

Jimbo

This was taken at my desk and Jim is reading his emails. It was taken in 12/06 and he had gotten home from work just a few minutes earlier. I was making dinner and I am not sure why I snuck upstairs to take his picture. But I am glad I did.



Jim and I went to Disney and we found the Dalmatian Hotel. This was in the courtyard.

This is one I hadn't seen in a long time, and it is perfect for how I am feeling right now.

One of my very favorites - Jim and I visiting a friend (and her children) and Jim got up to watch saturday morning tv with them. I love his 'bed head' hair. And that Iain was wearing the Superman pj's.

Cancer

The flashback was very intense. The setting was different but the words were the same.

"I am so sorry......" The doctor saying this was a veteranarian, but it is the same words the the doctor started with that told me Jim had died.

Mercury's biopsy came back with the results that we thought Squamous Cell carcinoma. The vet I spoke to is not the vet that will be treating him so we will see the new one on Saturday.

I hope some heavier pain meds can be gotten. Poor Mercury woke me at 3:30 this morning with a whimper that sounded like, well, like a human with a toothache. With every breath there was a little 'mmmph' that was high pitched. They sleep in the living room downstairs and usually I don't hear them. I am got up and gave him some pain meds. I let both dogs out and both peed so I was happy. Then it was snuggle time. I sat on the couch with a dog on either side and stroked ears and rubbed necks. Mercury settled down right away and yet, every time I stopped or slowed he would move his head and look up at me. Tigger on the other hand was excited that mommy came down to visit during sleepy time and refused to go back to sleep. She would lick my hand if I stopped petting. Of course, I stopped as I was falling asleep again so her licking would wake me up. After about an hour, I decided the drugs had kicked in and I went back up to my bed.

Mercury's demeanor is a split one. Some of the time Mercury is behaving normal. He is up beat and excited for food. He is ready for a walk or to go out back. Then I sometimes I come into the room and he is laying on the couch just looking miserable with his head on his paws and moving slow.

I am not sure if I have posted the story of Mercury and Tigger and how they came to be in our lives. Our first Dalmatian, Gryphon was a beauty with one blue eye and one brown and a fantastic personality. He passed at age 5 1/2 with renal failure. We went to the vet with him when his life was more pain then pleasure. Jim held him as the vet gave the shot and cried. We both cried. We sat in the truck and held each other. With no children, Gryphon was our baby. We bought him from a breeder at age 12 weeks. We trained him, had photos and fun stories.

We had been doing Dalmatian rescue work for a couple years and fostering Dals was a big part of it. We would take in a Dalmatian in need till a home could be found for him. After Gryphon, I told Jim no more rescues. I was grieving. Of course, we got a call a few weeks later. A Dal about to be put to sleep. Jim told me that he would handle the dog, I didn't have to do anything. He went down to the shelter and brought home this terror of a dog. No discipline and no social skills. Jim worked with him for 3 weeks and got him to the point of adoptablity. And we found him a home.

Then a few weeks later came the next call. Two puppies in NYC have 24 hours or less to live. I said okay because we had a family wanting to adopt a younger dog. This was a great rescue. It was a 'hand off' from one couple that got the dogs in NYC, to a family in CT, and they met us up in Providence. I sat in the back seat with a 6 month old and 4 month old puppies. The 6 month old pup was bouncing around and the 4 month settled at my side and looked at me with these big brown eyes.

I remember calling to Jim in the front seat that "This one is not going anywhere". Jim laughed and said that was fine with him. And Mercury was adopted by us (oh yes, the other puppy went that day to his new home too). Our other Dalmatian, Tigger is also a rescue, but her story will come later.

Tigger seems healthy as a horse, acts like she is 2 and will probably live to be 30. Dals have an age range of 12-15, and Mercury will be 10 in September. I have started taking photos. I will try to take some each day. If only I had known with Jim, I would have taken lots and lots more.

I also ask that any men in my life - friends or family, stay far away from me. I lost Jim, my Dad and now my male dog. Something emitting from me?

22 and still going.

I have been thinking of posting for a few days, but every time I sit down to look at the screen I am overwhelmed and tired.
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This week I learned that our dog, Mercury has tongue cancer. They called it squamous cell carcinoma. I have been spoon feeding him to make sure he gets enough water and food into his mouth. He can't chew. In fact that was what made me take him in the first place, he had gotten so slow in eating his food I thought he had a broken tooth or something like that. I never saw the things on his tongue. In fact the vet didn't even see them until Merc yawned in front of her. She didn't even look for something on his tongue.
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That was a ride this week. Last saturday, going in to the vets, the exam and them telling me there are lesions on the tongue and we need to biopsy them. Then Wednesday going in to drop him off, going in later to pick him up and the care and feeding. It was Thursday that the vet gave me 'the call'. Telling me that he has the squamous cell carcinoma and she started the 'so that means so many days to live' speech. I was in shock and ran thru those 5 grieving emotions really quick - shock, anger, denial, sadness, anger, shock, reorganization and anger (i listed more on purpose there).
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I spent the afternoon learning what I could about this cancer in dogs, and then making phone calls to specialty vets in the area. And then being shuffled from oncology vet to dentistry vet to surgical specialist vet...finally to learn that until the biopsy comes back nothing is definate. I called a regular vet in Baltimore, close to home and made an appt for him to look at Mercury. A second opinion and a way to establish a vet close by. We had been to him once before. They were able to see Mercury on Saturday morning. He gave me a much more positive feel to the situation then my other vet (which is another reason I was changing) and he offered some good advice on how to keep Mercury comfortable, still eating and some options to think about when the results come in. He didn't start with the "speech" he started with "we may be able to do some surgery and it may or may not help". Maybe that is unwarranted hope, I don't know. I will know later this week. I just left his office feeling calmer.
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I found the picture of "Professor Mercury" while looking for some others. The look on Mercury's face "mom help me" had me laughing. Jim loved to do things like this to the dogs and he always thought Mercury was near sighted because of how his eyes focused. He thought the reading glasses might help. He enjoyed these dogs and adored him.
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Lots of dreams about Jim this week. It has been very comforting and I like waking with his face in my head. I only wish he could come to me when I was doing my taxes and tell me where which numbers go.
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And to totally switch subjects, a thought I had last night and wrote here before writing all the Merucury stuff -
"Watching tv tonight I realized just how much I miss having Jim kissing me. I enjoyed his kisses and my kissing him. Any kind, from those deep romantic I love you ones to the light pass by think of you kisses and especially the super erotic ones that made my mind go blank. I also miss having someone to scratch my back. "
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Month 22 and I am thinking of what to do for the two year mark. I didn't really do anything really special for year one but I wanted to. I still want to plant a couple trees but I am just not sure where they could go and I would want them to be allowed to grow free and tall. I wish I could find the people that got his cornea's. The organ donation sociey said that each one went to a different person, so he was able to help them see again. As odd as it sounds, it would be nice to look at someone and know that Jim is still there.

Hello

I got a call from a friend tonight. I didn't get to the phone and she left a message on my voicemail. The start of her message was "man, you got me, I thought it was you that was saying hello...."

I laughed because Jim did this on his cellphone voicemail. It was a simple "Hello" but in the tone that you would speak as if you were answering the phone, not like you were about to say "hello, leave a message".

So often, people would leave him and message saying "hello Jim, how are you? Jim?" and then you would hear them on the voicemail maybe speaking to someone else saying "I thought he answered but I don't hear him, okay, Jim is this is a message, it's Uncle Benny, call me back....I guess that was his machine, I don't kno..." click.

I shut Jim's cellphone down just several days after he died and I am sorry I did. I wish I had kept it on for a little while longer. Long enough to get a copy of his voicemail (somehow).

The "hello" that I use is very much a copy of his, in honor of him. Most of my friends have heard it and even this friend knew it but said she forgot that it did that.

Ah, the little memories that make you smile.

Deli counter lady

Saturday mornings are always a fun time of the week. I get up to let the dogs out, have some sort of 'treat' for breakfast - eggs bendict or a donut or something to make the morning zing. Then there is the ritual of watching "The Practice" reruns and the walk with the dogs.

Today I gave a friend of mine a lift to work. Wait, let's stop a moment. What a great thing to say. I GAVE him a lift. I love being able to do that. After years of no car, and getting rides from him, it is nice to do him a favor.

So, I am dropping him off at work and I see that I am close to the grocery store - Shoppers - that I wrote about last week. The store that Jim and I would go to and was stacked to the roof with memories. I told myself that I could go in there now, now that I have done it once.

I went in and it was an odd feeling, a welcoming, a good warm feeling. I knew it was good that I had come.

I went to the deli counter where there used to be a nice woman that knew just what meats we wanted, joked with me about Jim waiting in the car and in general was like the oldtime neighborhood grocer. She wasn't there last time and I think that was good. It was rougher last time.

Today she was right there and smiling behind the counter. She looked at me and said "ohh! it's about time!" and I laughed. We were the only ones there so I told her about Jim passing and she said she remembered him well because he would sneak up behind me when I was intent on ordering and spook me. He did that, but honestly, I had forgotten it. Theres a memory reclaimed.

There were some other customers coming up so I moved on to continue shopping. I am in the milk section and feel these arms wrap around me and I turn and she is there giving me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She said she was sorry he is gone but to know he is with me. And to come back to see her. I told her thank you and I will. Then she left.

I stood in the milk section and had the stupidest grin on my face. Just a smile and some tearing in the eyes thinking about how wonderful people are. That she remembered us was one thing, but to search me out and give me a hug and some kind words just gave me such warmth. What a wonderful woman.

I thank her for the smile she gave me while I was in a place filled with the Jim and I memories that sometimes hurt. I thank her for the memory she shared that I had forgotten. I thank her for the openness to hug me in the middle of the milk section.

Wednesday morning

Starting the day waking to a dream that makes you really notice the empty side of the bed. Mainly because it wasn't empty in the dream.

This morning during my dream state I had a conversation with an old boyfriend. I can't remember what we talked about, but I remember his face very clearly. Dodge boy (his nickname) from my college years.

He and Jim, they walked up to me together. Dodge boy and I talked and Jim chuckled beside us at some of the witty things I said - I don't know now what they were, then as I watched he and Jim melded into one and we lay down. I closed my eyes - I guess I was going to sleep while I was already sleeping - and felt him behind me. In the dream I woke to know that his arms were around me and the weight was pushing on my ribs and annoying, like it used to be. I reached to move his arm down a little, again, a common over the years manuever, and that's when I woke up for real.

I woke with his heat still on my back and the very clear remeberance of moving the arm. It was an almost nightly ritual and I don't know if I have thought about it in months. And I could still in my mind see both Jim's and Dodge boy's faces.

As I got ready for work, I was overwhelmed with the need to write and just sat and let it flow. This is what came out.


His laugh is not to be heard again,
those loud joy filled gruffs,
The hands will not be touching
caressing the skin.
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To lose the one that makes
you feel that living is worth
you are special to him
because of him, the aches come.
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How to fold and pack and give away
moments of your lives
The strength you need to do it
In small steps one by one
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To know that his hair will never tickle
your shoulder as he kisses the spot at
the nape of your neck
to think of the years gone by with a smile
and think of the years to come with emptiness.
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They say that life goes on
and you learn that yes it does
but sometimes there are mornings
when you wake and feel so lost and alone.
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Often it seems time stops
then you find the way
that he has come and let you know it's okay
Move along but don't forget
The love is near and still strong.