3 years

"It's not easy to be a superhero's heroine."

Remembering Jim on this third year of his passing.

One of my internet friends, a fellow widow, sent me this video and told me that she was thinking of Jim and I on this day. "What I want you to do today and often in the future when you're thinking about your personal superhero, Betts, is to realize the hero qualities you possess and have proven are inside you. If you never gave thought to you being Jim's super heroine, give it thought now, for no doubt Jim knows it's not been easy to be you, and is so proud of you in your silly red sheet as you've so courageously tried to find the better part of yourself these last three years. There are so many special things inside of you."

I have tried to be strong and to move forward with my life, as Jim would want me to do. Every day seems like a new adventure to test the limits of my bounds. Jim and I did this together and it made us a special team.

Jim, I love you still and miss you always.

Star Spangled America Remembers

This Memorial Day weekend has me remembering lots of things.

Jim's passing on Tuesday morning 5/29/2007 is one of those things, but others include the soldiers that have served for their country. My country. Our country. My father was one of them. He served in the Army under Patton, in WW2 and was a POW. My husband served during Vietnam and was in the Navy for 12 years. My friend Fred, served as a Marine during the Gulf War and just retired after 20 odd years serving and protecting our nation.

Thank You.

Iron Man

So there I was, at the movies, about to watch Iron Man 2. Iron Man was a favorite of Jim's. That was one of the things that I was sad about when it came out, was that he would be watching it with me. He had been looking forward to it since they announced it.

Anyway, there I am and there he is. No, not Jim but a cute older guy that was sitting alone. He was on the end of the row that myself and two of my gal friends were in. I got up to go do my last pee before the movie. He let me by and coming back I said "one more time past". He put his leg up and said "oh wait, toll to pay". I laughed, he moved his leg, chuckled and said Just Kidding. I then got promptly teased by my friends. What? are we back in high school? Geesh. Well, then I couldn't stop sneaking looks over at him. Did he have a wedding band on? I never could tell.

I am looking at other guys.

That was a rush in my head when I thought about it but then realized that I probably had too much baggage to be able to do more than flirt a bit. But, hey, I flirted a bit when Jim was around so that is nothing new.

Baggage? Well, not just mental. I thought about how I would really have to clean up my act a bit. Lose some more weight, take care of some other vanity issues and do something with the house, or maybe leave the house the way it is and rent an apartment and pretend I lived there. LOL.

As for the mental baggage, hey, I still miss my soulmate. I miss him always and sometimes with a deep deep ache and sometimes with just a sigh of sadness.

Things I try to imagine is putting my arms around another guy. Kissing. I mean really deep throat kissing. I don't know. It may be really tough and I don't know if there is a guy nice enough to stick with and work with me and get me thru it. It must be hard running up against a memory. And then of course, if I am smart I will get drunk enough so it won't matter or in a more predictable way, I will get drunk enough to try and then can see myself crying. Bleh.

All kinds of scenarios run thru my head and they basically end with me not being able to find a man that is patient, loving and willing to overlook all my flaws the way Jim did. And the way I did of his flaws, to see the beauty in ourselves. He boosted my confidence in my self image. That is self image I have of myself is part of the baggage that has to be dealt with.

I am not Iron Woman, I don't want to live alone. So, I will go to movies, share a laugh and think about what is coming next.

May Flowers

My Mom was always into gardening. I love to garden, but I am into the pots and flower boxes rather than in the ground planting. Probably because of my blackish green thumb that doesn't do well with setting up flower or vegatable gardens. Usually it all goes to waste because I don't maintain it. A flower pot or flower box in the backyard is a lot easier. If I have a few pots and one doesn't grow, I can take that one out of the mix and replant in the pot.

I am having fun with Morning Glories this year. I got a pot with five starter shoots and set it next to the fence where there is a lattice. I have been letting them grow and then wrapping the ends around the lattice to twist them and make it thicker.

I saw this in a magazine (see the pic on the right) and mine is not nearly as thick as this now, the way it is growing, it will be soon! I think that will be a wonderful dash of color to the side of the privacy fence that right now is worn down faded brown wood. I also contemplate painting the fence but haven't gotten the energy together for that.

We are having both May showers and May flowers around here. I like both.

Happy Mom!

It's Sunday, and Mother's day. I miss Mom.

Yesterday was the 9th anniversary of her passing and it was a tough day. I look around the house and see things the remind me of her - things I do now that I remember her doing.

There are little things like color and furniture styles and bigger things like the impulse to decide at breakfast that it would be a good day to go for a ride instead of doing the chores around the house. I will admit there is my Dad as an influence in my house also. That would be the packratedness of the rooms, though I am trying to squelch that and clean things up. My sister and I talked about this and she was saying that she feels her gardening is a trait she got from mom. We would have large vegatable gardens in the back every year. Mom would use the veggies for meals but also would do canning of the tomatoes and such for the rest of the year.

My sister went to visit my Mom's grave yesterday and put some flowers there. Mom is buried in the same cemetary as my grandfather and grandmother and several other generations from that side of the family. Today, while cleaning and going through some boxes that had never been sorted out from our move, I found a small tin that has some of my Mom's ashes in it. I looked at it and thought about taking them up to the Susquenhanna River near Harrisburg where she was born. She told me that it was on that river in a canoe on a sunday afternoon that my dad proposed to her. Then I thought about my tattoo with some of Jim's ashes in it and now am considering maybe a small tattoo in her honor with some of her ashes. I have to think about it for a bit to figure out just what would be right.

The photos I have looked at today of my Mom were fun. I pulled out an album that had some from her childhood - it is interesting to compare pictures of her with those of me, my sister and my nieces. There are family resemblances and that is comforting.

Happy Mother's Day!

When I close my eyes

So many songs touch my inner core when I hear them. This one gave me chills. There are so many things I didn't say. Each line was written as if I had written it and describes my missing Jim. To see him when I close my eyes, to hear his laugh and feel his touch again.

Embedding

Wheeee!!!!

I finally learned how to post a video from Youtube.

My world has just expanded! This is going to be fun.

New York and Breathing

Well I made it through the first week of May.

Barely.

I have been experiencing crazy allergy symptoms this year. It is new for me and dealing with the sinus headaches, congestion, runny nose and now sore eyes has been pretty stressful. I didn't know which way to turn. I have had a couple friends tell me that their spring allergies didn't hit them till they were older also. I am going to be really mad at my body if it makes me endur this every year. Bleh!!

I spent last weekend in Manhattan. That was fun. I went up to visit a friend and his wife who live on Long Island. We all walked around, saw some touristy stuff and some not so touristy, but still fun stuff. It was a nice weekend getaway. I even got an "I love New York" t-shirt.

It was in New York City that the allergy problems really hit me. It was a surprise.

2 plus 11

Yep. 2 years and 11 months since Jim has been gone.

I have said it before, and will say it again, but some days it feels like just yesterday and some days it feels like forever and sometimes I look up from the computer thinking I hear his step coming thru the front door and I wait, breathless for a second, to hear the 'hello' he always yelled out and then his 'oh hi boy' in a lower voice as he would pet Merc and Tigg and Fig while they greeted him, and it gave me a minute to run down the stairs. Then, wrapping my arms around his neck and ignoring bags and coats and anything else, just to let him know I missed him.

Yep, sometimes.

The house gets quiet and I don't mean to, but I do, I wait to hear him stirring downstairs. If I can think that then maybe I can think he isn't really gone. I catch myself doing this, then shaking my head, a little smile and feeling sad, silly and wondering why it still happens. Though, honestly, I don't know that I mind it.

Memory land

Hanging some photos in the office tonight was a nice trip thru memory lane. I put some up of Jim and I, but also of my family. I found a few of my siblings and me as kids from when I was putting together a memory board for my Dad's memorial service. I have them up and it is neat to see the years fade and remember my life back when I was a kid. Me with the funky hair style and the big 80's style glasses. My brother with his hockey gear on. Best of all was the christmas card photo from 1972 with my family all standing on the stairwell in our house holding garland. These blasts from the past are a fun time travel.

Sorting through some of my Dad's old things I found a card that I sent him with my high school graduation picture in it. Also there was maybe 8 more wallet size pictures of me, from first grade till high school. Not every year, but most of them. All I can say as I look at them is Oh my God. In two of them I have red bandannas around my neck, in 4 I have wire rim granny glasses and in 3 I have hair styles I shouldn't have walked out the door with.

I don't mind remembering. I love going back in my head to various times in my life. I have another wall in the office that will be for friends. My Blues Brothers, my Jedi Knight, the TCF peeps and Dalpals. It is a nice reminder of life.

One of those Saturdays, or maybe not

It could only get better you know. Saturday started with a list of things to do and I figure a run up to sam's club and go from there. Sam's club was a total clusterfuck. I am going to vent so you can skip ahead if you want.

I forgot my card so I had to get a temp. one. No big deal, it has happened before. I get in line for customer service and am waiting patiently, suddenly a lady walks in from the side and goes up the counter and she gets helped next. I sigh and think about saying something but then figure that will be a okay. Then the other CSR gets done and a man sidles in with a receipt from the tire place and she takes care of him......I am getting upset now. Internally. The wisps of steam from my ears may have scared the guy behind me off or maybe he just got tired of waiting. Finally get helped and I mention the two people ahead of me and the woman just looks at me like I have three heads. Okay, shopping goes well, I go to pay and am told the card number written down doesn't work. Argh. I lose it and push the cart into some water (nothing spilling) and go off to Customer Service. The same woman is there and doesn't understand what is wrong. All the numbers are right to her. A look at my driver's license and she says, oh, it should be okay now. I tell her great, she can check me out here. She starts to say no and I say yes. Yes, you can. She did.

On my way out I am asked if I would like to fill out a survey. I smile savagely and say sure...oh boy will that be fun!

Then the day starts to turn. I look down and see 2 gift cards in the parking lot. One for a local restaurant and one for Target. Must have dropped out of someones wallet when they put the sam's club card away. I scooped them up and then asked the different people in our parking row. No one was missing them. Well, finders keepers. Sorry there was NO WAY I was going back in sam's club.

I went on to get lunch and found my favorite bar-b-que was packed and I was too hungry to wait. It was off to find a fastfood place. Argh. I was looking forward to some pulled pork. Oh well. "Be flexible" I kept chanting to myself.

Then I saw a couple of tweens holding up signs for a free car wash at the gas station. I scooted in and got to watch the kids working on the car. I donated $10 bucks to their goal of getting to a summer church retreat.

Okay things were changing for the better. I went home, settled down outside with a book and a dog and relaxed. In the afternoon on saturdays the local Baptist church at the end of the block has a band or choir practice or something where you can hear the drums and sometimes the songs. I enjoy doing stuff in the yard so I can listen.

I found out this morning that the Target card has $5.24 on it and the card for the restaurant has $50.00. I guess a nice dinner will make up for the farce at Sam's club. Though, I wonder if I can call the restuarant and find out who bought it.

Weekends are so much fun and so short. I think a three day weekend should be the norm. A day to do errands and chores, a day for home repairs and one for just plain fun. Sounds good to me.

Basements

These stuff in the house, I need to go thru it and that is just so tough. The last week has been a slow pick thru of things to determined what to send to the trash or yard sale or what to keep. It is better this year than it was last year but there is still things of Jim's that I just don't want to lose yet.

I am learning to make decisions and choose 3 things and let the other 10 things go to the dump. This helps.

Talking to my neighbor, who is also a widow, told me that she can't bear to part with any of her husband items yet. It's only been one year and she says it is just too soon. I am approaching three years and it is getting easier to filter what to keep and what to let go.

My basement has quite a few boxes of knick knacks and such that I need to go thru....again. I went thru them all once and got rid of some stuff, but I think I need to make it smaller once again. I just have to tell myself that I really DON'T need those items. That is the tough part.

I want to run to you.....

The Bodyguard (1992)

I know that when you look at me
Theres so much that you just don´t see
But if you´d only take the time
I know in my heart you would find
Oh, a girl, who has scared sometimes
Who is not always strong
Can´t you see the hurt in me
I feel so all alone

CHORUS
I want to run to you
I want to run to you
Won´t ya hold me in your arms & keep me safe from harm
I want to run to you
But if I come to you
Tell me will you stay
Or will you run away

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home & turn the key
Theres nobody there, no one cares for me
Oh woah what´s the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share them with
Tell me what does it mean

CHORUS

Run away, no
I need you here I need you here to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
No if you only knew how much I want to run to you
Ya know I want to run to you
Won´t ya hold me in your arms & keep me safe from harm
I want to run to you
But if I come to you
Tell me will you stay
Or will you run away
-------------------------------------------

Irony is so much fun!!

I am spending the weekend rearranging furniture and pulling open bags that haven't been touched in a long time. One bag opened to reveal Jim's shoes. A pair of dress shoes, sandals, an awesome pair of boots he used for his costumes and sneakers. Yep. Sneakers that meant he could run. Run to me. Or me to him. To kiss away all my fears. And hold me in his arms.

One of my problems with just giving all his stuff to goodwill is not just that I am losing a part of him...but rather because it seems a waste. I would love to find one of my friends to help by giving him some new shoes. Then I would know in my head/heart that the things weren't just fading off into the mainstream world but rather helping someone I knew. I have given lots of his clothing to some homeless men in my neighborhood that were in need. That made me feel like it wasn't just a blanket 'giving it away' but rather to help, to know.

Anyone need some size 10 1/2 running shoes?

Dipping toes in the pool

Testing the water as it were.

In a couple days my niece and finacee are coming to help me rearrange my office and bedroom space. This may be the start of more reworking in the house. Things that have needed to be done and been put off for 3 years. If I can get thru this weekend with no major meltdowns, then there is a possiblity that the other things can get done too. I am going to try and with family and friends around it may not be an issue. It's usually the afterwards, after everyone has gone home, that is the problem.

I want to stand with you on a mountain

Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply

I'll be your dream,
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope,
I'll be your love
be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful
cause I'm counting on
A new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning.

I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me...

And when the stars are shining
brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven
then make you want to cry..
the tears of joy for all the pleasure
and the certainty
that we're surrounded by the comfort
and protection of..
the highest power.
In lonely hours.
The tears devour you..

I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me...

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
Cause it's standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come...

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
truly madly deeply do...

I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me...

I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me...

Heard this song on the radio this morning. I haven't heard it in years. It came out the summer that Jim and I met/started dating.

I started singing and got louder and louder. You know that singing you do in the shower or the car when no one is around to hear the missed notes. That was me this morning.

Today is 2 years and 10 months since Jim has been gone.

Eat for a dollar a day

Eating on just a dollar day?

I was reading this blog about a couple that decided to try and eat for a month on just one dollar each per day. Now this was interesting because they did a lot of home baking, some dumpster diving and visiting places like Costco that had hand out food. They said they did have some basic rules and one was not to ramen unless absolutely necessary.

They wanted to see if Americans could do it and as such let go of their processed, corn syrup filled, fast food. Each day they blogged and talked about what they ate and how much each meal cost.

The trick was.....they were able to afford to buy bulk of some basics like oatmeal, corn, rice, peanut butter, flour and beans. They started the experiment with a few gallons of each. So, at breakfast they would have .08 cents of oatmeal and some hot tea. A PBJ for lunch with homemade bread and maybe some burritos with refried beans and veggies for dinner. Even starting out with the bulk materials, being able to make healthy and tasty meals took some doing. If interested, here is there blog - http://onedollardietproject.wordpress.com/

I found the comments people gave to be more interesting then the blog itself.

Reading is fundemental

What kind of reader are you? For that matter, do you still read books or just kindle or just wait for it to come out as a movie?

I have been reading for about 40 or more years. As a young child my parents would read to me at night. My dad was great at doing the different voices of characters. This is a side that he wouldn't show to the real world but for us kids to entertain us as we went to sleep.

The small town I grew up in had a nice library on main street. We were in smalltown usa and main street had shops and the post office and library and movie theatre. Living about 4 blocks from the main street made it easy to grab a bike and ride down on a Saturday morning. The ritual was to start at one end of the street to work your way down to the library.

One end held the 5&10 store, with half being grown up stuff like material and yarn and some clothing and the other half being a plethora of small wood bins with things like army men and candy and children's bracelet and necklaces and little dolls and balls and cars and jacks and marbles and just about anything a kid in the 60's could need. And no I don't mean a flower child, but just your cut and dry 8 yr old. Next stop was the other store to get candy or toys. That was the drug store and it was more expensive, so usually it was a go in and look deal. Next could be the movie theatre and an afternoon of Disney fun. I saw lots of them there before they ever hit the tv or vhs or dvd. Finally the Library.

My brothers and sister were never into the library as much as I was. I grew tired of the kids books and worked my way in to the teen section of books and then later even the adult section (that sounds so perverted when I say adult section, but I don't mean the porn area (not that there was one) but rather novels, bios and non fiction). My mom guided me in this area. She and my Dad also loved to read and she always found some really interesting books that I would then see around the house and pick up to read. Taylor Caldwell, Asimov, Shirley Jackson (but not the horror, it was Life Among the Savages), Madeleine L'Engle and others. I had some favorites that thanks to the scholastic book service, I still own today - The Great Brain My side of the Mountain, The trolley car family, Light a Single Candle are ones I can see right now on the shelf.

One thing with me and books is that if I find a book I really love, I will keep it and reread it. Some of them at least once a year I will pull them off the shelf. Some not for five years. Unfortunately for my shelves, which are pretty full, some books I just want around in case I ever decide to reread them. Oh and to be fair, some do go to the used book store or to other friends when I finish them. There are some books I enjoy, I want to read again, know that I own them, can't find them ANYWHERE in the house....so I go buy another copy at the local used book store. And then of course, find the original copy. Also what has happened is that I have a series of a favorite author - Marion Zimmer Bradley for example, and I see a few of them at the thrift store, so I think "gee my nieces would love this" and I buy them. I am glad when my nieces come back to tell me how much they did enjoy the books.

I have had people tell me how strange it is that I can reread a book. Maybe it is my memory disability, but I like to think of it as finding something new in the book each time I read it, or reliving a story with old friends or maybe just enjoying the cadence of the words the author puts out. Oh and I do this with movies also. I like to rewatch my favorite movies much the same way.

I hit a lull in book buying a few years ago. I couldn't find any new authors that tweaked my interest, so I reread the ones on my shelves and waited for the Next in the Series of a couple of favorite authors. Last year I joined an online book club and they talked about some new books that I picked up. Some I read and said 'eh' , but a couple now I have been entranced by and have been scrabbling to get the next in the series (if there is one).

When I wake up, I will read for a few minutes. When I fall asleep, I read before the turning the light out. I can read in the car/bus/train/plane. I read while I am eating. Jim and I meshed in this way perfectly. He was not a book reader, but rather a comic reader. Which was fine. Sometimes he would have his comics at the table, and I would read my book. No big deal that we weren't talking - because we had talked before or would after - we were comfortable. We both would read in bed for a little while. It was a calming, end of the day way to relax.

I love to read in the backyard with the temperature at the perfect 70 and no humidity and just a summer breeze making it all perfect. I could do that one for hours. In fact, it is going to be like that today. I think I am going to grab my newest book and go for a read.

Community garden

Sunday morning and it is community service day. This is not imposed on me by any judge, but rather a commitment I made to myself a couple years ago.


The neighborhood association that I am a member of, actually on the Board of directors for, does a lot of neighborhood clean up. In the Urban community it is important to keep on top of that. We go out once a month or so and work on cleaning a few alleys or working in a community garden or planting some trees. The last is fun. It is called Guerilla Gardening. Not approved by the City, but done with the hopes to make the city a greener place.


Today we are attacking a section of land that right now is weeds and concrete. A house was there, it burned down, the city tore it down and has left the spot vacant for many years now. We are going in to break up the concrete, dig up some ground and put in some community garden boxes. These are large 5 x 10 wood frames that allow us to put in a good topsoil and then plant vegatables.


Our neighborhood has one community garden already and it is a succcess. Neighbors can pay $15.00 and plant what they want in some of the boxes and then reap the benefits from the 'community' ones that usually have basics like tomatoes and cucumbers and such.


We got some of my husbands fathers tools. He has this great rod that Jim called the concrete cracker. I think it is actually a railroad tie "Gandie" a rod that is round up top and then becomes square ending with a wedge. It was used by RR workers to wedge under a railroad tie and lever them into place. There were about 8 Frat boys there and they were sledgehammering the concrete. The rod helped and it was neat to see it being used. That may sound odd, but I was just glad to offer it to help out.

I went back in the evening and they made some real progress. We should have a garden in just a few weeks.

The snow is now brown

The almost 50 inches of snow we had here has dwindled down to a soggy brown in my backyard. Some of the brown in mud and some is dog poo that had been buried by the 50 inches.

Guess what I am doing this weekend. Oh boy. I am pulling out the gardening shovels now.

I also decided to rearrange the house a bit. Move some of the furniture that is upstairs and maybe paint the downstairs Kitchen and Living room. That may be my April/May projects. So in the two rooms upstairs the office/closet/library and the bedroom I have things split up. Some clothes are in dressers and rolling closets in both rooms and some books are in both rooms. I want to move all the clothes into one room and all the books into one room. But to be odd, I want the clothes in the front office room and all the books could be in the bedroom.

None of that may make sense without pictures or drawings, but I can see it all in my mind so that is all that really counts!!

I also want to find someone to help me put some brick down in the backyard where now there is just mud and sometimes there is grass. I would love to open the space up and make it like a patio.

I told myself back in 2007 when Jim died that I wanted to move. I still do. I am still trying to get rid of stuff but I guess I am also trying to make the place easier for me to live here.

Farpoint 2010

The Farpoint 2010 Science Fiction media convention was this past weekend.

This is the first convention when I was actually had official things to do - I was the Public Relations committee chair. Prior to the convention I tried to let as much of the fan world know about the convention coming up. Writing up press releases, visiting websites and contacting bloggers about promoting Farpoint. Once there I worked with the press on arranging interviews with our guest stars.

Oh the guest stars! We had Felicia Day from "Dr. Horrible's sing-along blog" and if you have no idea what that is - google it and then try to watch a copy. It is a wonderful movie/video/? that Joss Whedon wrote and produced and directed while there was a writer's strike in Hollywood. Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Finnan are also in it.

We also had Lee Arenberg from Pirates of the Caribbean and man was he a hoot!! That is a man that is great to listen to with his stories of growing up beside the 80's rat pack and working with Johnny Depp. He was a wonderful guest.

Best of all for me, was Mira Furlan. She played Danielle Roussou in my favorite tv show LOST. Her character was nicknamed Crazy French woman. Anyway, in person she was a wonderfully elegant woman with an incredibly sexy voice. And I got to sit in the same room with her. At the end of the session I asked the interviewer to take a pic with the two of us.

The whole convention went well even though I was in the throes of a cold (see previous blog entry) and blowing my nose a lot. The hotel was great to all of us and put up with Klingons at the bar, robots in the lobby, debates on who is geekier Sheldon or Leonard and general fun and pandamonium that ensues at a con.

And yes. I missed having a partner to enjoy the moments of the con with. I had fun, but it still is more fun to share. For someone else to see you jump up and down and squeal privately in your hotel room after actually meeting a LOST character. This is one more of the reasons I blog. To share.

Addiction

This has been the week of the cold. Not the cold weather but my cold - runny or stuffy nose kind of cold.

Not bad, but sometimes coughing, always blowing my nose and with my voice sounding a bit funny. I never went to see the doctor and just when I feel I am past it, like yesterday, it flares back up. I keep telling myself this is not me. I don't usually get sick. I mean, when it first started I went to my medicine cabinet and pulled out some dayquill. The expiration date on the side of the box was 3/2008 - that tells you 1) how long it has been since I checked in there and 2)how much even longer it has been since I needed it.

How much mucus can a human body create? I have gone thru a couple boxes of tissues. THANK YOU Mr. Kleenex for this invention. Or maybe it was Ms. Puff's. History is not quite sure about that.

Anyway, most of the fight with the cold has been nasal. Now many years ago I had something like this and my doctor suggested Nasal Spray before coming in to see him. That was back in the days when doctors talked to you without charging you. So I used the Nasal Spray and was able to breathe. I liked this. Then I stopped using it and my sinuses sort got stuffy again. I used it again. This was a repeat for many weeks. I realized at some point I was addicted to the spray and I weaned myself off of it. I am sure it has something to do with my nasal passages not being very well made and getting enough oxygation which has always been my main excuse for my mental incapacity. So, now, many years later I find myself in this loop again. I want to breathe. I use the spray and yesterday I realized that I had to use more to get it to work. Oh my. My need is becoming stronger. The addiction is back. Last night, I decided, that's it. I was going to wean myself off of it again, even if it meant blowing half my body fluid out my nose and losing the skin around my nostrils from chaffing.

I am going to fight this thing. I can do it.

Valentine's Day

Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name .
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake, with which i'll never part.
God has you now in Heaven, I have you in my heart.

Jim, I miss you. I am moving forward but still waiting to see you walk around the corner, home from a long day at work and yet, a smile on your face as the dogs greet you and the cat wraps himself around you and I give you a hug.

Grey's Anatomy

My mom watched Dr. Kildare and Medical Center. She started me on General Hospital, but E.R. was my medical show of choice.

My niece shared her love of Grey's Anatomy with me. I have watched a few episodes and was skimming thru TV.com and this caught my eye.

Surviving a Crisis - from Grey's Anatomy -

This quote came from Grey's Anatomy Season 5's Episode 19. It made me stop and think and it is about surviving a crisis.

The quote is part of what Derek tells Meredith when giving her reasons why he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

If there is a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward.
You get the rest of us to move forward, because you've seen worse.
You've survived worse and you know--we'll survive too.

This quote really hit home for me as it would for anyone who has survived a major loss. It is a beautiful testament to survivors. "You get the rest of us to move forward, because you've seen worse."

I can't help but think how many times in the past this would have inspired me to keep moving forward.

It happened in 2003. And again in 2009. And now once more in 2010.

Snow. Lots and lots of snow! We got hit with 28". Starting on Friday around noon and snowing non stop thru till sometime late Saturday afternoon. It felt like a week in just 24 hours. The change in our neighborhood was amazing. There was not just the snow that had fallen but also strong winds causing incredible drifts and Saturday morning around 3 am we heard thunder snowstorm. An anomaly that only occurs in very serious storms. I would have slept through it but Tigger gratiously woke me up by barking at each roll of thunder.

The city was pretty much shut down on Saturday. Planes, trains and buses were not moving, city plows were just barely out and they issued warnings to stay inside. I didn't go out but did watch it's progression on TV and shared photos and news with friends on the internet. Sometime late Saturday I looked out to see the what the snow accumulation was and saw instead blue sky.

Tigger loves the snow and wants to be out in it as much as possible. She will face the cold paws for the fun of dancing in the snow!

Friday night around 9 pm - it looks so peaceful. Just a few inches.

Saturday morning.

My backyard.

Our street had no city plow come thu and we were the only hope of getting cars out for Monday or Tuesday. The neighbors got together on Sunday and we all worked on digging out. We got a good portion of the street done but not all the cars were able to get out. We tried to be systematic and ask who absolutely needed to go out and who could stay for a day or so. The neigbhors were all cheerful, helpful and worked together. It was a nice afternoon even with all the digging!

Another widow speaks

I read this and needed to post.

"I can still feel his hand in mine"
Marc Royce

For the first time since her husband Patrick Swayze lost his battle with cancer, Lisa Niemi talks about their poignant last two years together and the amazing lifetime of love they shared.

I always knew Patrick was a tough guy, but I don't think I ever really saw the depth of his strength until he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He should have been dead after five weeks, but he fought for 22 months. He was still shooting his new TV series, The Beast, working 12- to 15-hour days 11 months into his illness. He was going through chemotherapy but refused to take any pain medication that would interfere with his performance. He was one tough critter, and the way he handled the illness and the discomfort from it was unbelievable and amazed even me.

I was a socially awkward 15-year-old when I first met Patrick at his mother's dance studio in Houston. I was a bit of a hippie, part of this outsider crowd. Patrick was the opposite, the quintessential all-American jock. He was the golden boy ? an acclaimed football player, gymnast, and dancer ? but I wasn't too impressed with that stuff. He always seemed like a show-off to me, a little too full of himself.

But the first time we danced together, it was like magic. And actually it was at that moment, when we looked into each other's eyes, that I knew he was special. I used to think I would get married in my 30s. But I was fresh out of high school when Patrick proposed to me ? I couldn't believe it. And he wouldn't take no for an answer. You have to know Patrick, but he is relentless with everything he does and goes after. And truthfully, there was a part of me that felt, Okay, I'll do this now, but if it doesn't work, I can get divorced later. But little did I know that even then, he knew me better than I knew myself, and it was only a short time later that I remember thanking him for making me marry him.

"We never gave up"

I have this wonderful memory from last year of being with Patrick in the apartment we were renting that overlooked the lake in Chicago, where The Beast was being shot. Patrick had just finished another round of chemo and a 15-hour workday. There was this beautiful music playing, and Patrick took me in his arms and we just started dancing. It was a simple, delicious moment of being in each other's arms and feeling how wonderful it was to be alive. It was one of the best dances I've ever had in my life with Patrick.

When The Beast finished shooting and we came back to Los Angeles, our primary focus became his treatments. I had schedules and doctor visits and chemo treatments and pills to administer several times a day. He occasionally had those "why me?" moments, but he never complained or felt sorry for himself. He was a very spiritual person and into Eastern philosophy, but it wasn't any of this, "I'm going to heaven to sing on a cloud." He's extremely willful and always has done that mind-over-matter thing. It's one of the reasons I believe he survived advanced cancer for as long as he did.

I never wanted to cry around him, but he caught me a few times. He knew how I was feeling. We didn't talk that much about dying or how I was feeling, because to acknowledge that was to acknowledge the end. I'm sure there was a part of Patrick that worried he was letting me down by leaving and that he wasn't going to be around to protect me. Patrick was fighting for his life and working so hard at it, and I just wanted the love I could give him to be perfect. I can look back at our whole relationship and wish I'd been perfect ? but I'm not. That doesn't stop me from wishing. But the beauty of our marriage was that it wasn't about being perfect; it was about the imperfections.

People have always asked me, "What's your secret to this long and happy Hollywood marriage?" which I know is unusual. Someone recently asked me why we even mentioned our separation in the book. [While Patrick worked to recover from alcohol addiction, he and Lisa separated briefly, which they talk about in their book, The Time of My Life .] And we did because it was real and that was part of our figuring things out and getting to a new place together. We worked very hard at our relationship. But the fact is, anyone can work hard at a relationship, but if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. I do think if two people really love each other, which we did, you can work things out. And even though we were different as individuals, we were also very much the same. We had a lot of common interests ? horses, flying, the ranch, and the lifestyle we led. We also were both the kind of people who never, ever gave up on anything we had set our minds on doing, and most important, we never gave up on each other.

"Healing will happen in time"

I thought I had been preparing those last 22 months for Patrick's passing, but looking back, all the sadness and grief that had come before he passed away now looks like an intellectual concept. Honestly, the kind of grief I experienced after Patrick was gone was literally on a cellular level. It's something deep inside your body that you have no control over. I can still feel the contour of his hand in mine. Sometimes when I'm driving on the freeway, I feel like I can just look over and see him sitting beside me like he did when I would take him to his chemo treatments. I'd put the pedal to the metal in our car and he'd break out into this big, mischievous grin. And I'd reach over and grab his hand and it was wonderful. Even though we'd be on our way to chemo, we both savored those moments.

What I would most like is to hear Patrick's voice again. I recently went to a birthday party for a dear friend, and it was my first outing alone. When I got home that night and Patrick wasn't there, I kept telling myself, He's on location; that's why he's not here to greet me. I wanted to pick up the phone, like I've done so many times before, and call him so I could hear his voice. Or I'll just be going about my life and want to tell him something, or I expect him to be in the stable and I realize he's not here. It's still very difficult.

There are a lot of firsts these days that I am experiencing without Patrick, and those make me miss him the most. The smallest things can trigger it ? coming home to the house for the first time alone, the first rain, the holidays, or just going onto a freeway entrance without him for the first time. It's going to take time to adjust to every one.

My friends have made all the difference in the world; they give me strength. One night recently, I was going into a full-blown panic attack in the middle of the night, and just dialing one friend's number helped calm me down. I can't imagine what it's like for people who have lost a loved one and have no one to talk to. People cannot just walk around with these types of feelings and not share them or they will implode. Sometimes I think the pain is beginning to pass, and I'll marvel at that and say, Wow, I'm really doing great, only to remember that two hours earlier I was dissolved in tears on the floor.

I would like to believe that if I were really, really courageous, I would find a way to go on and be better than before ? even without Patrick. That would take tremendous courage, because in a strange way, I feel like that would be a betrayal to him. When I've mentioned this to my friends, they've said, "Now, wait a minute. Do you really think that's what Patrick would want?" Patrick was always very proud of my strength, and I think he would want me to prove that he was right about me.

I'm a type A personality; I get things done and I put high expectations on myself, on an emotional level as well. But in this case, I've come to realize that the healing is going to happen in its own time. I've lowered my self-expectations for the time being. If I feel I should be doing something, I will try and do it, but if I run out of steam, it's okay to stop.

Life is not fair, death is not fair, but it's not personal in either case. I saw death coming a week away. It was just standing there waiting. I could rant and rave, but it doesn't matter. So I say we should do the things that will make our lives fuller and happier. We have to make our own ride.

I finally convinced myself to go to our New Mexico ranch recently, which has always been a very special place for the two of us, and I had a completely different reaction to it than I thought I would. The moment I set foot inside the house, it was like I was seeing it with new eyes. I realized it was still our home, and there was an unexpected comfort there for me. It felt so beautiful, serene and peaceful, and I remember sitting on our porch and saying to myself, See, there's nothing to be afraid of. I saw Patrick there in the most loving and positive way. And it was like he was sitting on my shoulder saying, "Look at what we built together here."

Isn't it ironic?

This will be an odd memory blog today. I got reminded of some things when a friend was talking to me and I don't think she understood just how much I miss Jim, even the things that used to drive me crazy. She was asked, "But aren't you pleased you don't have to put up with ___ any more?" and a question like that, well it made me feel worse, not better. She didn't mean in harm, I think it was more trying to understand why certain things affect me the way they do.

There were lots of things that Jim would do that would annoy me. Oh god I miss them. His arm over my ribs as we sleep and I would swear I couldn't breathe. I would push it off and then it would creep back. I would lay there and try to stand it as long as I could, knowing it was there in love and comfort...but I couldn't breathe...and now I laugh and cry at myself for ever thinking it was annoying.

He would do this really creepy voice from that evil guy in silence of the lambs "clareese..." with that inflection the actor had and it would freak me out and then he would laugh. And I would punch his shoulder. I miss punching his shoulder. /sigh/ My niece has taken over the role of freaking me out with this now. I called her the other day and she said it to me. I got both goose bumps and chills. And wet eyes thinking about Jim.

Jim had his own spot on the couch. If I sat there then he came in, well, I would have to move. Or if he sat somewhere else he would just be waiting for me to get up and he would jump in the spot. When I came back he would just look at me like "what?".

Then there was the butt crack deal. This is way too much information, but I am going to get it out anyway. So we are spooning in bed. He snuggles up to my back and things are pressed against my butt. Not in an erotic way, but more just a snuggle way. And, for some reason, this would make me need to fart. Just a quick one. I guess it was kind of like the arm over the ribs. My body wouldn't ignore it. Once I got the gas that I didn't even know was there out, it was fine. After I first lost Jim and even occasionally still when I am depressed I will push his pillow up against me. Not the same affect, but still a bit comforting.

And something I thought was annoying but now really miss, was his OCD'ing about clothes. Clean clothes and putting them away and ironing them and the like. It came from his time spent in the Navy and how they had to have everything neat and tidy. We learned very quickly that he was the ironer and such. My closet shows my lack of his tidiness now. Oh and the iron? I think it has been used once in the last 2 1/2 years. And that was by my friend Thomas to help me with a costume. As annoying as it was, if I could now, I would love to see Jim setting up the ironing board right now.

Isn't it ironic?

The things we take for granted. The things that even though they annoy us, they come with the package of the man. I know I have written about the things like this that I loved about Jim and endeared me to him. And god knows there are things that I did to annoy him. But we were a team. Together we filled what was missing in the other.

Once more

There with you

Keep my memory with you,
For memories never die;
I will be there with you,

When you look across the sky.
I will be there in the clouds,
In the birds that fill the air;
In the beauty of a fragrant rose,
You will find my memory there.

You'll feel me in the tenderness,
Of a tiny baby's touch;
You will hear me if you listen,
In the twilight's gentle hush.

When your heart is heavy,
And you feel that you're alone;
Just reach down deep inside of you
For your heart is now my home.

I will always be with you,
I will never go away;
For I will live on in your heart,
Forever and a day.

~ author unknown

Malcolm in the Middle

Everytime I watch Malcolm in the Middle I ache a lttle. You know that silly sitcom from a few years ago that you can watch 3 times in one day now. Well, Jim was Hal to my Lois. We didn't have the kids but we had the problems, the love, the fights and the resolutions.

I have a mini-crush on the Hal guy. I mean, it's because he reminds me of Jim. Older trying to be younger and recapture youth. He's a do it yourselfer that never quite does it right. Struggling with work and getting so caught up in the process of trying to pay bills and keep it together. Keeping his LP's instead of giving them up for the cd's or teaching his sons how to roller skate and getting into his old costume.

And his love for Lois. I love that whenever they can, they are wanting to make love. They look at each other and I get shivers. That is how it should be. Marriage I mean. A touch, a glance and you are tossing clothes off to merge as one. Sure there are arguments and disagreements on what to do with that piece of furniture or the shrubbery in the yard or even whether to pay the mortgage or the electric bills. But the love is there. As it was for us. I am happy without the added drama of 5 boys, the sitcom can keep them. But the love is worth it.

A Jim Thing

I have tried to do some particularly "Jim" things this week.

Simple things like giving some change to the guy at the redlight that has the 'homeless vet' cardboard sign, putting up the storm windows in the screen doors (and cussing as I did it), and eating some of his favorite foods.

One thing that I was happy to be able to do was help a friend - a friend from a messageboard online I visit everyday, but have only met her once, anyway she lives in georgia and her home got decimated by the floods a few weeks back. She was mentioning how she was computerless and using her sisters just sporatically. I have Jim's old laptop that I haven't used since he died. I decided to help someone else, like he would have, and sent it down to her.

It was something he would have done. He was always helping others in need. He would grumble about it but he never thought to not help. In little ways like giving some money, or finding clothes or furniture, or just helping someone move something and most importantly, he would help if someone was feeling down and just need a boost, a friend to talk to, or such. He helped others get jobs when he was able to hire them and often I don't think he even realized he was doing it, it was just his nature.

So my friend was basically clotheless, living in her sisters basement and had just started a new job. Some of the messageboard people (the ones that, like me are there all the time) well, we all helped her in various ways. I sent her my laptop, another friend sent her a camera to document damage and another sent her a box of clothing....little by little the whole message board helped her and one guy set up a paypal donation spot and in a month we had almost 2500.00 for her. Even nicer, several of them lived near enough to go visit. It made me feel good to be a part of it.

It is what friends do for each other. In real life and in the internet world.

And Jim would have liked it.

Sky blue and black

I watched a movie called Reign over Me. With Adam Sandler.

Omg. I spent a lot of time crying because I didn't know that the movie was about what it was about. Grief. Reconnecting. Friendship. Sorrow.

Sandlers characters wife and 2 daughters had been killed in the plane that flew into the Twin Towers on 9/11. They were on the plane. Sandler couldn't handle the grief and he slipped in to an earlier time. He became the person he was back in college before meeting his wife.

The movie went thru the process of him meeting an old college friend and little by little they reconnected. Sandler is brought back to reality. A reality that he really never escaped from, just tried to hide away in a corner.

One scene in particular struck me. Adam Sandler was facing his in laws. It was just after an emotional court room battle. For years they had been trying to get him to admit and talk about his families death.

They wanted him to admit his wife was dead and move on. He looked at them, and in a perfectly rational voice said "You don't understand. I am alone. I am ALONE." the camera cuts to the in laws and then back to Sandler. He continues. "Yes, you lost a daughter, but at least you have each other, at least you have each other."

I had to pause the movie while I cried because that is something that most people just don't understand. Unless they have lost a love, one never to be replaced, you don't get how truely lonely it is.

We have to know that if we need them, we can feel/reach/hear them.


Sky Blue and Black
Jackson Browne

In the calling out to one another
Of the lovers up and down the strand
In the sound of the waves and the cries
Of the seagulls circling the sand
In the fragments of the songs
Carried down the wind from some radio
In the murmuring of the city in the distance
Ominous and low

I hear the sound of the world where we played
And the far too simple beauty
Of the promises we made

If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, I'll see you through
Sky blue and black

Where the touch of the lover ends
And the soul of the friend begins
There's a need to be separate and a need to be one
And a struggle neither wins
Where you gave me the world I was in
And a place I could make a stand
I could never see how you doubted me
When I'd let go of your hand

Yeah, and I was much younger then
And I must have thought that I would know
If things were going to end

And the heavens were rolling
Like a wheel on a track
And our sky was unfolding
And it'll never fold back
Sky blue and black

And I'd have fought the world for you
If I thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If I'd known that's what you needed
What you needed me to do

But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow

If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, I'll see you through

You're the color of the sky
Reflected in each store-front window pane
You're the whispering and the sighing
Of my tires
in the rain
You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost
In everything I do
Yeah and I'll never stop looking for you
In the sunlight and the shadows
And the faces on the avenue
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
Sky blue and black

A new decade

Read this morning in my hometown paper:

And let us learn that the best way to remember is not by continually dwelling on tragedy, but by living our own lives to the fullest every day, as living memorials to those beautiful souls whose own lives were cut way, way too short.