Thursday, May 20, 2010

Iron Man

So there I was, at the movies, about to watch Iron Man 2. Iron Man was a favorite of Jim's. That was one of the things that I was sad about when it came out, was that he would be watching it with me. He had been looking forward to it since they announced it.

Anyway, there I am and there he is. No, not Jim but a cute older guy that was sitting alone. He was on the end of the row that myself and two of my gal friends were in. I got up to go do my last pee before the movie. He let me by and coming back I said "one more time past". He put his leg up and said "oh wait, toll to pay". I laughed, he moved his leg, chuckled and said Just Kidding. I then got promptly teased by my friends. What? are we back in high school? Geesh. Well, then I couldn't stop sneaking looks over at him. Did he have a wedding band on? I never could tell.

I am looking at other guys.

That was a rush in my head when I thought about it but then realized that I probably had too much baggage to be able to do more than flirt a bit. But, hey, I flirted a bit when Jim was around so that is nothing new.

Baggage? Well, not just mental. I thought about how I would really have to clean up my act a bit. Lose some more weight, take care of some other vanity issues and do something with the house, or maybe leave the house the way it is and rent an apartment and pretend I lived there. LOL.

As for the mental baggage, hey, I still miss my soulmate. I miss him always and sometimes with a deep deep ache and sometimes with just a sigh of sadness.

Things I try to imagine is putting my arms around another guy. Kissing. I mean really deep throat kissing. I don't know. It may be really tough and I don't know if there is a guy nice enough to stick with and work with me and get me thru it. It must be hard running up against a memory. And then of course, if I am smart I will get drunk enough so it won't matter or in a more predictable way, I will get drunk enough to try and then can see myself crying. Bleh.

All kinds of scenarios run thru my head and they basically end with me not being able to find a man that is patient, loving and willing to overlook all my flaws the way Jim did. And the way I did of his flaws, to see the beauty in ourselves. He boosted my confidence in my self image. That is self image I have of myself is part of the baggage that has to be dealt with.

I am not Iron Woman, I don't want to live alone. So, I will go to movies, share a laugh and think about what is coming next.


Rach said...

Oh, Betsy, I understand what you mean. I'm convinced if something were to happen to Brien I would remain single for the rest of my life. I'm a pain in the ass, I know it. And, I can't IMAGINE letting someone else see the body his children have done a number on. It took me forever to get comfortable with Brien, lol!

Time is such an interesting thing, no? It makes things easier and yet harder still.

- The Virgin Author! said...

The last line was a killer! =)