Monday, July 16, 2007

Now

Shore Leave was a lot of fun! I enjoyed seeing my friends and drinking a toast for some that weren't there. Including Jim. Hail the Tiki!

I did discover that something has been going on with me in the last few weeks. It was brought to a proper light on Sunday morning. I am apparently in very cranky mode. Grumpy. Bitchy. No patience level and saying things I shouldn't. Not biting my tongue as I may have before.

I am not sure why, but I swing between worrying about it and not worrying about it. starting of Menopause? a level of grief? stress? I don't know.

It came up yesterday when a friend told me to just let it go over something I was harping on. (bad waitress service - which I hate and have always hated) I did, but stewed in my head. I am running into issues where I have to be careful. I have to think ahead and sometimes others don't realize what I can and can't do. Jim used to help me on this and would watch out for me. I can't get overheated, body temperture I mean, because heat brings on my seizures. And I am the only one now that can worry about this. I have to watch my own back now. Because of this, I think I am a little shorter fused. Maybe this is my 'warning' post. Watch out.

I was talking to my friend at work and she said she noticed it, but off and on, not all the time. She told me she knew it was just me NOW. Not the way I have always been and she thought not the way I will be in the future. I hugged her for this.

I hope my other friends can understand this a bit. I am hanging onto the thought that I will get less grumpy as time goes on. I know my patience level has always been lower than other peoples, but I guess now its really low. I want to cry - I am actually mad at myself for the low patience level.

Maybe it is my situation that causes frustration and a basic human trait is to take out my grumpiness on something or someone. I believe it is worsened because I don't have Jim around to serve as our check and balance, he did notice my frustration and irritation and thusly, step up to the plate to help remove or reduce the source of frustration and irritation. I hope that now being aware of it will help me curb it.

I want to cry because there the person I have relied on to watch my back - to talk me down - to logic me out - to gently tell me that it will be better soon, as he holds my hand - he is not here anymore. So I have to remember to do these things.

Sounds weird, but with Jim I could always look at him before I said something and take a breathe....and not say it. Even as I write that I know it's not all true. I know I have a sharp tongue and laid it on the line while Jim was around - and reined myself in when he was around (all by myself). But right now, I am feeling like he helped me.

I guess some of that help also came after the fact when we would talk about events and interactions and get out to each other some of the thoughts. Being able to use each other as a release/sounding board -with complete privacy protection -about work, about the bad waitress or the crappy mechanic...that helped. And being able as we did this to give a different perspective to the other person.

I hope the crankiness passes. I don't really like it as a part of myself. Or as a part that others see, because I want to be liked. I hope Steph is right and it is just a NOW thing.

3 comments:

Don Sakers said...

Bety, of COURSE you're cranky sometimes. You're grieving. Your emotions are going to be all over the place, and you won't be able to control them.

Everyone should understand. When a friend has suffered a loss like yours, one must make allowences. The friend isn't going to be herself for a while. And anybody who gets offended at that should put themselves in your place and shut up.

In the olden days, people understood this and widows were not expected to carry on the usual social interactions for a year and a day. People who were grieving wore black, as a sign to the rest of society: "Caution, I am not myself and may behave irrationally at times."

Nowadays it's not possible to withdraw from society for a year, and if you wear black everyone just thinks you're in fashion (or a goth). But the point remains -- people suffering grief are going to have highly emotional bouts, and that's that.

Your true friends and family know what you're going through, and (hopefully) are adult enough to understand that if you're temporarily cranky or grumpy, you don't mean it. They would forgive you...except that there's nothing to forgive.

Hang in there, be as grumpy or cranky as you need to (or giddy, or weepy, or angry, or sentimental...), and know that your friends & family love you.

-Don

Betts4 said...

Thank you. That was like a big huge hug. I needed it.

Donna (Paige130) said...

Betsy,

Sounds like you might be entering the "mad at the world" phase. I remember that one very well. I was a total "witch" with a "b"! Mine lasted way to long and in retrospect I did not like the person I was during that time. I didn't know how my personality had changed so dramatically until someone finally confronted me about a year later. After each of my losses I became a different person...some good and some bad. I learned alot about myself. Hopefully I kept most of the good change and "learned" from the bad changes. Keep your chin up. There will come a day when you will actually hear yourself laugh again.