Sunday, November 30, 2008

Saturday was 18 months and Ohio

Saturday morning I woke up cold and crying. I knew it was because I was missing Jim, I just wasn't sure what set it off. It was my subconscious. In the excitement of Thanksgiving had forgotten that Saturday was the 29th. In fact, even as I was crying and not understanding why, I had forgotten the date.

Of course, crying and not knowing why is not uncommon anymore. I usually figure it is the release of the stress of the holiday. I usually figure it is a general why (missing Jim) and not a specific that I can put a finger on.

My sister in law gets lots of points from me for just coming out, helping me thru the meltdown by handing me tissues and rubbing my back a little. Support without saying the cliches.

Saturday was November 29th and 18 months since Jim died. I write that and realize that I have come a long way from June 14th when I started this blog. The blog has helped me to stay a viable member of society by allowing me to release thoughts that would otherwise have been trapped. Allowing me to say Jim's name, to write memories down and to talk about things that are past being talked about in the 'outside' world. I feel awkward sometimes when doing something with a friend and think "Jim and I always....fill in the blank" and then say it. There is sometimes a silence or it's like I said nothing at all and sometimes an agreement. I have often thought but not said and just nodded to myself in my head. Here on the blog I can say it out loud. Well, write it out loud. And that helps.

The world and my life have moved on, though I really didn't want it to, I had no choice.

Sunday I went to see a gorgeous movie. The film 'Australia'. I went with two friends and that was fun. What a beautiful movie and Hugh Jackman who starred in it was awesome. Good looking and good acting.

Then there was the movie. What a wonderful movie and it swept you up in the story. I was so into thru the whole three hours. Australia the movie reminded me of The Thorn Birds and of Gone with Wind and a little of any of the great sweeping western epics where man battles nature, and other men to win the land and triumph.

Then came one of those moments. It suddenly hits me - even after all this time - it hits me that Jim is gone. It was in a scene towards the end which had a character saying "You're alive!" and with those words I lost it inside. I sat there in the theatre and I all I could think was that I wish with all my heart I could say that. It was a tear jerking scene and my friend brought tissues and that helped, she was getting into it also, so my wet eyes weren't odd.

It was just those two words that I want so much to say. I was mad at some stupid movie character for being able to say. I know I won't ever be able to say them, but I that is why I write. So somewhere, he is not lost. Somewhere he is alive.

1 comment:

Lynnbug said...

Im sorry you have been sad. I am glad that you continue to write about it. I also want to go see the movie Australia. It just looks like a beautiful picture.