Tuesday, April 8, 2008

bleh night

It's quarter to three, there's nobody here, except you and me....

Well, it's not really quarter to three, and there is nobody here but me. The song doesn't quite make it.

Odd evening. I had a decent day, came home and was eating dinner when "King of Queens" came on tv and I heard the lyrics and lost all semblance of control. My dogs got my sandwich and I cried for awhile.

"My eyes are getting weary. My back is getting tight.
I’m sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough Bridge tonight.
But I don’t care 'cause all I want to do
Is cash my check and drive right home to you.

Cause Baby, all my life, I will be driving home to you."

Jim would drive home and call me as he was driving to tell me he was on his way. That he was driving home to me. He didn't say that because of the song, but just because. I have heard that song in the last few months and each time I can feel my chest start to clench. Jim was a Doug Heffernan kind of guy. Simple, wanting more and working hard.

From that moment at the table on the night spiraled downward. How do you explain the feeling that engulfs you as you think of what is lost and can't be touched anymore. I ended up going up to bed and sleeping for a few hours. Which is why I am up now.

I got up, took a dog for a short walk and sat with them and watched tv for a bit. MASH is my new sitcom of choice. A couple months ago it was Andy Griffith and I love lucy, but I guess I have moved up in decades. I ended the evening with a dog on either side of me and each giving me comfort. I needed it. Their simple action of laying their heads on my lap helped me get grounded again and settle down. I petted them and talked to them and watched Radar and Hawkeye and the gang.

The evening is ending better than it started. I just hope I can get up in the morning for work. It's times like this that I wish I had more sick days.


Linda said...

ebb and flow, Betsy. ebb and flow..

I wish that you had more sick days, too. Just because sometimes we need to just not have to do anything. On the other hand, a reason to get up...well-sometimes we need that,too.
Thinking of you...

Rach said...

Oh, Betsy. I'm sorry. There are no other words to offer. I'm just sorry.

It's amazing how a song, such a simple thing really, can trigger such unbelievably strong emotions. I understand.

How grateful I am you have two sweeties to keep you company on the long nights. HUGS!

Betts4 said...

Well just an update - I did get up. I did come into work. I did get thru the day.

I don't look forward to going home but am tired enough to skip the nap I want to take and just go to bed early this evening.

Ebb and flow is a good term.

Shari said...

I don't know what to say. I don't want to put my foot in my mouth or say something that will not come across the way I intended. Thank you for sharing your grief. I hope it helps to share.

BTW, thanks for sharing the lyrics to King of Queens. I don't watch it often, but I never knew what the lyrics said. Sometimes closed captioning doesn't always pick up the lyrics or maybe I just don't pay attention to it until the show is really on-doing errands of sorts before a show is on.

Rach said...

I'm glad you were able to make it into work, Betsy.

I hope you get good quality rest tonight.