Thursday, March 6, 2008

Sunlight on the couch

The weather the last couple days has been really nice. In the 50's and such for the beginning of March. I hope it stays like this.

Mercury is laying on the couch in the sunlight. He loves to lay in the sun. He looked very tranquil and relaxed, I couldn't resist a picture. The dogs when they are snuggled on the couch are very comforting. To feel the heat from their bodies and to know that there is someone depending on me. I wish I could take a photo of them some evening when they are bookends on either side of my legs and I have a black fur neck wrap that is called a cat.

Looking at the photos of Jim that I put up on the wall just a couple months ago is getting more painful. Maybe because by looking at the photo I have to acknowledge that he is gone. I keep looking though, I just can't bear to not see his smile. I can look at a picture and hear his voice, his laughter, his sigh.

I went to my regular wednesday lunch place and the waitress there sat down and asked how I was doing. She talked to me for a few minutes about Jim and it was nice. We talked about our two weddings. She is divorced now, but what was sweet was that she asked me to bring in a wedding photo. It touched me.

The fact that some people handle death differently than others is evident every day. I am pained by death seen on TV, in movies and even talked about in a conversation. I didn't use to be. I wonder now if the acceptance that every death is not Jim's will come to me. I see someone on tv with a intubator and have to quickly change the channel. I hear people in a restuarant discus deaths of their friends or relatives and I wonder how can they talk about it so calmly. However, I also remember that I used to be one of them.

Lately I am finding that sometimes it feels like I am making progress and sometimes I am plodding thru life and doing things to do them, because I am expected to do them. Work, eat, laugh, cry, go out and be with people or stay home alone. I wear this armour that is to fool everyone. Yes, I am okay. (sure right ha ha) The armour is on, the shield is up and the inside is still pretty gooey.


Laurie said...

Thinking about you today and checking in to see how your "gooey insides" are doing. I am praying for your struggles and am grateful you have three loyal companions there on the couch with you at night. They know and understand where you are, they are there too, missing the same Jim that you miss. And I am sorry for this.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

rachd said...

Our dogs are sun dogs too. Poor Waylen is sometimes conflicted as to whether he wants to be a sun dog or a fuzzy blanket dog.

Betsy, I'm so glad you have fuzzy friends to keep you company in the evenings.

I am far more empathetic about any and all deaths now, than I ever was before. It just hits me differently now. It leaves me momentarily breathless.

Your waitress is a wonderful person! How fabulous to have someone who is NOT afraid of death and who is NOT afraid to talk about Jim with you. That is a blessing and I hope you take that wedding photo with with you next Wednesday.

I pray for you daily and think of you SO often, Betsy. Big HUGS, friend! Enjoy your fuzzy pals tonight. :o)

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Laura said...

Beautiful puppy. Sunshine must be restorative for our fur babies as well. I think the lack of sun here is what is working so hard on me. I hope you have a peaceful weekend.