Sunday, December 16, 2007

All the years

I had nothing planned for the evening and spent last night watching Dr. Who dvd's and going thru photographs.

A couple months ago I went thru all my boxes of pics and sorted them out into some 'catagories' and scanned a few. I have found more pictures since then and just been piling them up. Well I decided to make frame some of them and give them to family members as a christmas present. In looking for those, I found others. Now there is a large pile of pics to be scanned. Some are of Jim and I, some of just Jim and then there are some of our family. I didn't know I took so many pictures of our pets!!!

Here is one picture I unearthed. I was happy to find it. I hadn't seen it in a few years. This is a portrait that Jim had taken in a studio before he met me. There are actually a few of these, with different expressions and lighting, but this is my favorite. They are great black and white professionally done photos. My neighbor saw one and thought Jim looked like a movie star. An actor from the 40's. Doesn't he look sexy. This one is going up on the mantel.

I had a discussion with a friend about the photographs and should I put them up or take them down. I am still keeping them up but they are wondering/asking me if that is 'healthy'. I just said that for now I want them, I need them, so they stay. They were good and didn't push - just respected my opinion. I am not going to live in the past, as much as I wouldn't mind going back in time, but neither am I going to just put Jim away and out of my sight. There are things of his that I can stand to see, like his photos, and things that hurt too much to see like some of his clothing. I am just taking it a step at a time and rearranging my life as I see fit. For now.

I was working on the photos and I found a few I had totally forgotten about, and that is always fun. Just to say it, I did cry last night looking at some. But also I did laugh and I did wonder why he had to be gone and just a photo/memory. I found one photo that I sat and spent five minutes talking and touching, it is a large 8x10 that I hadn't seen in years. I took the picture and I even think it is a crop and blow up of another pictures. But it is a head shot of Jim and his smile and eyes and his face is just the one I fell in love with. Just as I remember. To sit and stroke the eyebrow on a photo and remember the feeling of the hair that used to be under your fingers. To look at his smile and remember the little chip in that tooth. To talk to the picture and say 'why why why'. Maybe this is odd, but talking to the photos gets the questions and feelings out of my head. It is so difficult even after almost seven months. (next week) that he really is not ever coming back and that I won't see be able to touch or laugh or be with him again. How can this be?

The one to the right here is one taken of Jim and I at my younger brother's first wedding. I love Jim in the tux. He is so James Bond. And that dress was a favorite of mine for years. I even had the shoes dyed to match the dress color. It looks very 90's now. But then, well, it was the 90's back then so it didn't matter. There is another photo of us from there that is portrait photo taken by a professonial that was hired. It is one of my favorite shots of us as a couple because we both look so glamorous.

Pyscho Jim and Pyscho cat is what I call this one. Shadow is the cat, our first cat. I think I was taking some pics of Jim just sitting and petting Shadow when the goofy side of Jim stepped in and grabbed the poor cat and made that face. He loved to make faces and act, so I think me having the camera and taking photos was fine. I hate to have my pic taken so it worked well. And thankfully now I have hundreds of moments of our life.

So the photos got organized and this morning I am feeling like I had a good productive day yesterday. The afternoon was a long walk with the dog, and then digging and planting some daffodil bulbs for the spring. The planting is my first venture into real gardening. I have bought plants in containers for sitting on the porch, but never really digging in the ground and planting. I have a black thumb so we will see come next spring how the garden does grow.


Laurie said...

Hi Betsy,

I think you are doing a wonderful job of rearranging your life so that it works for you. I love that you keep Jims pictures up around the house and why not for heavens sake. I think it is so healthy, even if it hurts from time to time. Life hurts at times but we go on in hopes of better days. I think you are doing so good, going at a pace you can keep up with. It is the best that any of us can do. You have the greatest treasure of pictures you keep finding. Share them with yourself in your house.
Jim is too big to ever be "put away". Love lives forever in our hearts even if we share a different place.

Love and Hugs to you,
Laurie in Ca.

rachd said...

I love the photos! Thank you for sharing!

You know, it's interesting, no one would ever think to question if it was healthy for me to keep photos of Hannah up all over the house. Yet, because Jim was the love of your life, and not your child, people are worried you still have them up. The long and the short of it, as far as I'm concerned, is that grief is a very personal journey, and you have to do what you need to do to get through it.

I second what Laurie said. She is so wise and writes so well. :o)

Many HUGS to you this evening!

Cathy said...

Hey Betsy,
I was thinking of you yesterday and checked into your blog to see how you are doing, looks great. That b/w photo of Jim is beautiful, if that were mine I'd blow it up to an 18x24 and put a great frame around it. I think it's foolish to try and not remember, isn't that what we all fear?- leaving this earth and not being remmebered. So keep his images around for all your years and as your life changes decide then.
Have a restful week. are you getting enough sleep yet?
Happy Monday!

gd said...

You're not living in the past - you're living with the past. Keep on truckin', baby!