Wednesday, November 7, 2007

And the evening

So the evening started out nice. It was my non profit jobs annual dinner and they even introduced me and such. My dad and his wife were there and it was nice to have them see me get some kudos. I have been with the company for 11 months now and my boss has been very supportative of my needs after Jim died. To the point of offering me a full time position when I needed health insurance.

Anyway, that was fine but I come home and I am tired and I have so much to do to get ready for my brothers who are coming on friday night and saturday to do some work in the house. I am excited about this but also hyper because I know they will look around at the house and maybe not say anything to me but talk about it to themselves. My house is a mess. I mean it.

I was cleaning the fridge and got the old food out and then looked at the glass shelves....which I don't clean so they are filthy, but all I could think of is what would they think. I said yuck and cleaned them and then cleaned dishes (which i was going to do anyway) and thought about the upstairs rooms where all the clothes I haven't washed in a couple weeks are and gosh, just that everything is a mess.

Oh. I am tired. I feel about as low as I can and I really am going to miss Jim's arms around me tonight. and I know how crazy this is, but I just want it to be over. Not there visit but the deluge of emotions. I don't know if I can explain right to my brother sam whom I admire just how bad i have felt and that it is hard just to get up each morning. how I come home at night and look around and say 'eh. who cares'. I hope he can understand and not be shocked at how I have come to be living.

I have laundry that needs to be done, but the last time i did it, the wet clothes sat in the dryer for a week. I forgot to hit start. So i washed them again and dried t hem and it was okay, but i felt stupid. And others have said that it would be good to do stuff and make the place better. i know. i try. i get bursts of 'lets clean/fix/sort out stuff' and then it goes away. I can make lists. that is what I can do. and sometimes do one or two or three things on the list, but for every list I make there are 19 other things i could add to the list.

oh. I am just tired of the up and down and up and down feelings. this is just a rant, it will subside in a couple hours. I think these feelings also hit at certain times of the day. Like just before I am going to bed. Hmmm. I have to remember that.


Kristy said...

I wish I could come and do all your laundry for you - how dumb, I know - but I do. Something to help, to comfort you, to give you hope........your thinking "laundry = hope"?? Well, okay probably not..... anyway,hoping your weekend with family goes well.
(ps - thanks for the comment !)

Laurie said...

Hi, I am new here and found you out here in space. I hope you don't mind me coming and reading. This always seems so personal to me, to read other's hearts. Like Kristy above, I wish I could help in some way. A messy house, I can relate to and I have no excuse for mine. You sound so normal to me and the fridge, and the mice, and the why bother? Your heart is broken and the mess doesn't matter so much. I hope you let the anxiety slide off and not worry about what your brothers will think. They are only brothers:) I have two of them myself and they don't always think logical anyways.:) Your heart is in a hurtful mess right now, why would the house be any different? You are doing the best you can under the circumstances, and you are tired. It breaks my heart to read here, much less try to encourage you with a comment. I feel like an intruder if I read and do not let you know I was here, so here I am. I have been reading Laura's story also and I have to tell you, my heart aches for you both. I will promise you that I will pray for you and come back to visit you if this is alright. You are in my heart now and added to my list of prayers each morning. Please be gentle on yourself right now, this season is still so new to you and Jim's place in your heart is Huge. There is nothing crazy or stupid about how you are feeling and living right now. It is the best you can do, I understand this,

Peace and Blessings and Big Hugs to you.

Laurie in Ca.

sonya said...


I saw a quote somewhere that says something like:

"if you want to see me, come on over; if you want to see my house, call first"

I'm sure Sam won't mind the mess & who cares if he does :)

If it makes you feel any better (shhh...don't tell!), my fridge is pretty gross under the bottom drawers (the shelves are wire, so spills just go through) and I forget to hit start on the dryer quite frequently! I haven't had mice here, but I opened the "extra chew bones" drawer at work today & apparently mice like the non-sterilized natural bones as much as dogs do.

Anyway...if you want help tackling the upstairs, just call me.

Lynelle said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. I think you are doing great to get yourself out to work and to do things with friends and family. As long as you keep the dogs and cat (and yourself) fed and basic needs met, the rest is just stuff.

MrsGrumpy said...

A big hug for you...You are doing what you can to make it through each day, and that is all that matters right now. My house is a mess...pretty much to match my life these days. My heart hurts so much for you tonight. I hope the weekend with your brothers goes well.

Hugs, hugs, hugs