Monday, November 12, 2007

Saturday Monday

It's Monday afternoon and depression is really hitting. I guess it may be an aftermath of the activity this weekend or maybe the weather, but all I want to do is go crawl up in a dark room for awhile. I guess last month I was thinking he may still be alive somewhere just where I can't see him or he can't call. Now there is more realization that he is gone. Even more than there was before. Every day is becoming harder.

My internet connection has been off at home so I was not able to access my blog till I got to work today. Thank you all for the comments and support. Every word I read in the comment section helps.

My two brothers, one older and one younger came on Saturday to do some work around the house and finish some things that have been hanging for a few months. My older brother Sam was very steady and went project by project to get things done. I was chuckling on Friday night when he was saying some words that were exactly what I said before. "damn you Jim for dying. damn it." This was as he looked at the work that was started by Jim. He looked at an unfinished dream. I am glad he was able to complete the stairwell and follow the design of what Jim had envisioned. That meant a lot to me.

Before any construction though, we hauled things from the basement and backyard out to the truck and then down to the dump. Things that had been in our basement waiting. Waiting for the bigger house Jim and I were going to move into. Things that were moved here from our other large house, and promised five years and then a larger place. Things that had been in the basement since before our time there and since Jim had been a kid living there. We just kept hauling stuff out. After the two trips to the dump there is now one side of the basement that is almost empty. It is amazing to go down there and see the space that is now found in a still very small cramped area. There is more sorting and tossing to do, and now there is better room to do it.

The trip to the dump was very very difficult. Throwing away things that were Jim's. Things that meant enough to him for him to keep all these years. And I will say not everything got randomly tossed. There was sorting and picking and even arguing with brothers on the reason I wanted to keep this item. No the sled doesn't go. Why? it was to be a Captain America shield for Jim and I found it on eBay last Christmas. A lot of work to find it. No, I don't care what you think. I am keeping it. And I did.

I had a moment when all the defenses fell and I saw Sam tossing some of Jim's dad's items. Things that Jim had wanted to refinish and keep as a tribute to his dad. I made the offer, but none of the other siblings were interested in anything still at the house, so I kept one thing as a memento but the rest got tossed. Feeling the wood on the fishing rods and bow, well that was when I lost my control and went to sit in the front seat of the truck and cried and waited till it was over. It seemed so sad at that moment that Jim was not able to honor his father the way he wanted to, but instead now is going to be a memory also. My brother was very good and just let me get it out, didn't ask any questions and offered me a couple tissues.

The construction that took place wasn't difficult and while they worked on that my Dad and I put the storm windows in the outside doors. That was amusing as the windows don't really have latches anymore so to hold them in we use the good old American Duct tape. I think it was Jim's tool of choice for most jobs. I won't forget the maleness that was in the living room when the two brothers and my dad all showed up with their tool stuff. And had to look at them all and compare and figure whose was better. I enjoyed being able to pull out the miter saw that none of them had and a few other of Jim's tools.

They left Saturday night and I spent Sunday doing laundry and cleaning and putting furniture back in place. And taking naps.

I am having a pretty yucky day today - down in the dumps and prone to tears at anything. I am glad I am in the office alone today. Heck, I read a passage in a book that triggered a flash, an
image of Jim - and I started crying over lunch. The image is of Jim in his brown leather bomber jacket and red baseball hat. He looks like Jeff Bridges in Starman. And in the book the character is wearing a bomber jacket. It hit me in the head. Is this a normal thing for five and a half months? I know there is not much that is normal, but I have been noticing a fluxation in emotions some on a daily up and down basis and some on a weekly curve.

I don't know if I mentioned this but it is hurting to look at photos of Jim and yet I can't not look at them. I am closing my eyes and imagining him as he strides up the sidewalk after a long day at work. He is grinning because he can see me out on the stoop waiting, in my slippers and sweats like a good bawltmaw hon. Giving him hugs on the steps and helping him inside with the dogs bouncing around him vying for attention and the cat winding itself around his legs. This image comes back to me over and over.


MrsGrumpy said...

Through your words I was there. I wish so much I could have you over for coffee or dinner or something. Today has been a sit at the breakfast bar and bawl kind of day. I hope it's the weather and not a harbinger of days to come. Big hugs to you.

Laurie said...

You amaze me at the amount of work you accomplished this weekend. It must feel so relieving but so hard at the same time. Five and a half months is such a short time compared to the years before with your honey.
Anything that you do at this time is normal for you and I am so sorry that it becomes harder with time. I pray it won't always hurt so much for you as I pray for Laura too. You both are on my heart.

Laurie in Ca.