Saturday night hits me

My first saturday home - with nothing to do - in a long long time. No phone calls, no visitors, not much to do.

I started this morning feeling sad. Missing the fun of telling Jim about my day. I must have decided then to have a very quiet day. I had breakfast, took a nap. Got up did a load of laundry and went grocery shopping with a friend. I came home and took a 3 hour nap.

I am seeing Jim in every corner and with lots of memories attached. I lay in bed and thought about different points in our life related to different places I looked in the room. I need to do this, to work thru it, and to feel him around me. He was my friend and my soulmate and such a part of my life that it is hard to remember it all. I find that I am scared because I don't want to forget Jim and the events in our life and yet remember that there are things that have happened to me in the past -before Jim- that I don't remember as well as I would like.

Not exactly a happy day, yet not truamatic in any particular way, just memories and thoughts. The memories aren't sad. There is just again, the realization that there will be no more.That is sad.