Even Tougher - reader beware

I am going to give in to the babbling, rambling, not much sense side of Betsy and get what I have been feeling today out. This is sort of two blogs in one because I don't know if I will be able to say much tomorrow.

I had my first melt down at work today.

I was actually out in the parking lot waiting for a taxi. It hit me that I was going home and the weekend loomed and I realized I didn't want to go home, but then I realized that home is the only place I wanted to be, but I didn't want to be there. I guess the loop started my brain to collapse and I sat down and just started crying. I was wearing dark glasses and you couldn't really tell. Well, I don't know, maybe you could. I just didn't worry too much.

I cried for awhile and then thought damn the cab isn't coming its been a half hour. So how can I get home? I went back in to the office and as I was walking I was crying, I sat in the stairwell and tried to get a hold of myself. I went up to my boss's office and asked for a ride home and then slid half down the doorway. As I write that I think 'wow what was i thinking' but I wasn't really thinking, just feeling at that point. I was so raw. He got me to move to a chair, handed me some tissues and talked to me a bit. I haven't lost it like that at work before. Well, not in front of anyone at work.

So I came home and laid down and then continued to cry. Not as hard, but could feel the tears streaming and all the while yelling a litany. "I just want to wake up. I want to wake up and find it was a dream. Oh, but its not a dream and I know it, I know it, I just want to wake up." Over and over till I realized I was not crying anymore and could sit up. I went to the bathroom found the xanex and looked at the bottle. Nope. Don't want it, I said. I got myself calmed down and breathing and drinking some water. Sitting in the back with the dogs on either side and actually getting a lick/kiss from Mercury the dog that doesn't give kisses.

I finally thought that I needed some snack or food or such. I had some beautiful filet mignons I had gotten. I did them up with crushed peppercorn and a touch of kosher salt and tossed them on the grill. Oh my. Melted in my mouth and just what I needed. An oasis I hadn't expected.

I am feeling better/calmer, but still very sad.

This will be my first birthday in 18 years without Jim and it is odd. He was always ready to give me my present a 12:01 am. He always listened patiently when I told him the story (at least 17 times) of my wonderful birth. He never hesitated when asked to make love in the morning instead of at night on my special day of birth.

One year he sent my Mom flowers as a thank you for having me. She found that sweet. There was always flowers and a sometimes a box of candy. The cards from not just him but the dogs and cat also. How he got them to sign them I don't know. We always allowed that we get one 'big' present on our days. This computer was his to me a few years back. I got him the laptop down in kitchen one year and an iPod last year.

Just as I remembered his Superhero love, he nodded to my Star Wars love and would often find something for me. On my 30th birthday there was a surprise party. On my 40th there was also a surprise party. His smile and touches and hugs and tender nibbles were wonderful presents. I miss them not just on my birthday but everyday.