Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Three Months gone

I can't believe it is here.

Three months past. Three months passed.

I know I have been quiet here the last month, but things have been working themselves out in my head. I am going to just ramble for a bit now.

The bad.
I find instead of crying at night, I am crying in the middle of the day. I am not eating as much, and eating more take out. The cat looks a wreck and I am sad, but don't know what to do. He is old, he was Jims cat and he is sad. I am lonely. The house is a wreck - silverware in the sink, dirty clothes everywhere. I come home and put on the same pair of scrubs to lay around the house in. I don't have an desire to do anything but the bare minimum needed live. Spending too much time away from dogs and house out with friends. Looking at old ladies on the streets of Baltimore and wondering if that will be me. I am snarly and grouchy and want it my way. I had to let the Truck go.

The good.
I am walking the dogs more. I am trying to stay clean and dressed up - at least at work. Bills are getting paid and things sort of working out financially. Cleaned up the backyard. The cat came up and sat on the couch with me for the first time.Got a new shower curtain. Am not letting plants die - they are actually thriving. (don't ask me where I keep them) I am not crying over photos so much but more over trigger things that I see. Mercury got his teeth cleaned and feels better. He and Tigger are playing more. I have kept my job, even got a promotion. Support has come from friends in all directions and has been great.

The wonderous -
The big thing for my three month mark was my first dream of Jim talking to me, hearing his voice - it happened last night at about 3 or 4ish. Which is around his time of death.

He spoke to me.

I woke up from the dream and remembered that he talked to me. I could see his face and his smile, his eyes. It was something short, just a few sentences. But I can't remember what they were. I do know the words made me feel better, I smiled, could remember hearing his voice, I nodded my head, said to myself "it was Jim, he spoke". And went back to sleep feeling very good.

Three months. Bleh.

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