I think the depression is starting to hit. Sunday afternoon and evening was pretty hard. Slow and heavy feeling. Like why bother getting up, why eat, why, why, why. Why smile at people, why try to hold my head up. And the overall black cloud hanging over my head of Jim is Gone. Finally starting to realize it.
The sadness is what is slowing me down. I don't really want to go see people, but feel like I need to for a hold on sanity. To get out and see my friends. So, I go out and am interacting, I mean, the picnics have been fun, but it is a bit of a facade. I am trying, but wouldn't mind not trying either. This seems to just have hit in the last 24 or so hours. I realize more today why people that have lost their spouses/partners/soulmates, will hole up like a hermit. I didn't feel like that the first month. I do now.
I want to curl up on the bed. I want to hold his shirts to my face and feel him there. With my eyes shut and my mind seeing him again. I want to play some of his CD's, but I can't figure out how to make the darn thing play. There are some wires not connected right.
And again, one side of my nice brain says that this will pass. But the heart says no and my body feels like it is in the trash compactor from Star Wars. A slow push of pressue and emotions. Just another day in Betsy's world.
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The first month or so you're numb - in shock. Your life has taken a 180 degree turn - everything is upside down. Then the new reality of your life becomes more visible and your emotions are raw, like live wires snapping in an ice storm. You are still surrounded by the familiar - family, friends, your dogs, cat, your job, music, TV shows and your house, but they're all shaded differently because your core is gone - Jim. Do things get 'better'? I felt, personally, that things became 'different', and that allowed me to see a bit more clearly all the changes in my life that were happening. I then chose how to tackle something or shelve it till later. Since every widow's experience is so enormously personal, there's no concrete time lines on getting your marbles staight. And that's not meant to negate experts and advice, even from other widowers - but your shoes are your own and as painful as this is, dear Betsy, you're stumbling in the right direction.
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