Sunday, July 1, 2007

Hoping, even while knowing

I seem to think I am faking myself out.

Sometimes I feel like I am just 'waiting' for him to call or come home. Hoping, even while knowing. He won't be calling, but I still have this off center feeling that he will. This thought that he is just outside the door. Sometimes as I think this and then I just feel such pain I can't even think straight.

This morning. It was Sunday morning and in the last year or so, that had become 'our time'. A time when we would snuggle then make breakfast and walk dogs and enjoy each other. This morning as I made myself breakfast I turned to yell up to him. I stopped and said 'he's not there.' And then I stood in the middle of the kitchen and listened. Listened to the quiet in the house. The quiet upstairs where there should be a tv on or a hairdryer or shower going or just the noise of someone there. And there wasn't.

I turned back to breakfast, couldn't eat and ended up giving it to the dogs.

It seems a strange mixture of emotions to go through. I think about the women that wore/wear black for a year and mourn for years. I try to wear a little something of Jim's somewhere - his watch, his Live Strong bracelet, his baseball hat or a Hawaiin shirt. Something to bring him closer to me.

I am also not mourning in a traditional manner. I am not staying at home. I am socializing with friends to gather support from them. To be out and about at picnics and dinners may not be the 'proper' thing to do, and it doesn't always seem to help, but it something that I need to do rather than sit at home and cry. I will cry when I am home, alone and at night. I do mourn the loss of Jim. I just also know that I need to be among others that knew him, loved him and also miss him. However, it seems more and more the dark feeling is creeping up on me.

I don't think I will ever not be grieving him, but I can't stop living. Day by day is all I can do right now.

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